Showing posts from December, 2012

Year-end thoughts and Hope.

This has been some year.  I've been through quite a bit.  God has gotten me through, despite what I thought.  I'd came off the heels of taking care of my Mom for a very intense eight months.  A woman who's got a very difficult, demanding personality.  Topple this with a touch of dementia - narcissism and plain resentful character - and you got my Momma.  I rarely had a moments peace - and three cats, plus my dog.  Oh, and I forgot to add the abusive brother.  Needless to say ~ anxiety was at an all time high.  I'd came back from Minnesota - and eight months of wonderful A.A. - time to myself, albeit a very lonely time... but with much introspection.  I was pushed to the  limit, mentally and physically.  I look back now and I do not know how I did it.  I drank a bit from time to time.  I talked quite a bit to friends.  Thank God for friends.  I ultimately rededicated my life back to God - and began the fight to restore my life.  I came home from St. Paul with nothing bu…

Betrayal, expectation, and acceptance

How true that statement is.  How I struggle inwardly, attempting to accept the fact that people will betray.  No matter how much you love them, they will hurt you.  People say that one shouldn't let such things bother ~ but I think it is only because it did not happen to them.  
I am the kind of person, that when I love someone, it means something.  It means that I hold these people in high esteem.  I will try with everything in me, not to disappoint, hurt, damage, nor be incongruent in my behavior.  Those are the expectations I have of myself.  The lesson that I've been fighting most of my life is that, those are my expectations.  It does not mean that others are the same as I.  People throw the words "I love you," around  without giving it much thought.  Without giving much thought to the commitment that it actually means to love someone.  To me, it is much more - something much deeper, than just a feeling.  I suppose, this is my mistake?  I say this because life se…

On the Verge of Forgiveness

Hope is trying to peak it's head out.  There are just emotions that need to be healed.  My addiction loves these kinds of times- when I am hurting and uncertain.  When I struggle for answers and I'm not resting in the love of God.  I hear the tapes in my head that me I'm a failure -- instead of I've had failures.... Thank my Lord I know the difference.  If I don't watch, I'll end up curled up into a ball, crying my eyes out - feeling very small and insignificant.  My addiction feeds off of this too.  The smaller it can make me feel, the greater it becomes, and the less I feel in touch with God, the less likely I am to be able to overcome it.  Having to take medication - this is very difficult.  I have a pit in my stomach.

Yesterday was a day of multiple feelings.  I was very anxious.  I went to see my Pastor crying all the way there and most of the time when I was there (sometimes on the inside).  I'm so sick of this battle.  I even told him it feels like th…

Crossing Over

I started rereading Marianne Williamson's book, "The Gift of Change," and it is totally preening my thought process.  I so can feel this woman.  Her words are so earthily true.  She is a soul speaker.  A heart writer like I've ever known.  Her answers are rich and deliciously palatable.  Her voice so warm and clear - yet profound like any I've ever read.  Her answers to our fear problems so universal.

"Crossing the bridge to a better world begins with crossing a bridge inside our minds, from the addictive mental patterns of fear and separation, to enlightened perceptions of unity and love.  We're in the habit of thinking fearfully, and it takes spiritual discipline to turn that around in a world where love is more suspect than fear.

To achieve a miraculous experience of life, we must embrace a more spiritual perspective.  Otherwise, we will die one day without ever having know the joy of living.  That  joy emerges from the experiences of our true being-…

Soul voices. Ego rants.

Struggles.... That's what has had my writing voice.  I've been so deep inside my own head, I could not hear.  I could not see, and I could not write.  I do not know how I get in such a state as to where I just want to shut down.  I have to at times, it seems.  I have to close myself off from the outside world and attempt to figure this life deal out.  It's funny, because I never actually seem to find a solution - not the sum total anyway.  God does keep sending me angels  on this journey - to help me through.  

The ego battle is (excuse me) a bitch.  It fights me for control, seems like daily.  Why it wants to tell me I'm worthless - I don't know if I'll ever know.  The only thing that I've ever concluded is, that it wants me to give it something to numb me.  I dislike pain.  We all do.  I can handle physical pain, but I very much dislike emotional pain.  Especially the variety of which I've been experiencing as of late - the kind that seems to have no c…

Love, forgiveness and friendship.

I heard from an old friend yesterday.  One I thought I'd not hear from again.  We'd had words... well, I'd said my piece. We'd both been struggling, and some things had been said that I didn't know how to deal with.  I did what I do, for sake of knowing what to do, I wrote her a letter and distanced myself.  

I get overwhelmed at times.  Overwhelmed with my own pain - physical, mental, and emotional.  I carry around a great deal from day to day - as most of us do - but there are days when I have a lot of stuff inside of me.  Somedays I'm just angry because I'm in pain all the time, and others, well it's just more like feelings of powerlessness.  I have a lot of side affects from the medicines that I take, and this brings on a whole new set of challenges - nausea, headaches, dizziness, and the like.  All of these types of circumstances that I deal with, make me feel well, in a word, small.  I choose small because all of it seems so large in my life.  I wi…


I've had a light-bulb moment today.  I'm grateful.  

I've been struggling with my writing - difficulty with a sort of brain deadness!  I know what it is, but it has been frustrating.  So, I've been looking at this course at 'The daily Om.'  I've been wanting to sign up and take it for about two weeks now, and today I finally did it.  It is "healing your past through focused journalling"...  Well, any of you that read know I'm all for healing.  An I've been tossing and turning a bit in the mind as of late.  So, today I paid for it and began.  WOW.  As I had sensed, it is just what I needed - and right on time.  

Insight is a beautiful thing.  Perception or the change of our perception in our lives can actually be a miracle.  When we see something from a totally different perspective - it changes everything.  It changes our feelings, our attitude towards the situation, our reactions to it, and how we are likely to respond.  It makes the circum…


I'm up and without cigarettes - but I'll write about addiction as a whole for I know it well.  I live with it everyday.  Some would think it odd, but it is a voice inside our heads - an entity that one lives with.  Mine is still alive because I smoke and I still have to take pain medication.  It isn't the battle it once was - although it still lives.

Most people think addiction and alcoholism a crutch.  They do not realize that it is something that per it's beholden, in it's height is hated.  I hated mine, for it was never satisfied.  Can you imagine never getting enough food, or sex, or sleep?  Now magnify this by say, a thousand.  It propels you like nothing you've ever known.  It's all you can think about, your keeping high, or getting there.  It is your first thought upon waking, and your last thought at lights out.  How your going to acquire it the next day.  It's called preoccupation and it's a mother of a job.

Addiction is by nature a dis-e…

The difference a day can make.

I had an awesome day yesterday.  There is the possibility that I might get to do something I've wanted to do all my life.  It sprang out of no where... as wonders do.  I left where I volunteer so high on life - and filled with renewal I cried.  God does know the desires of my heart and wants them for me.  It isn't as if I don't believe it, I guess it just took me a bit by surprise with the mindset I've had these last few days.  

I've seriously been battling my mind and I've concluded I'm in a depressive mood.  Thinking the kinds of thoughts that I have are not normal.  I've had such negative feelings, thinking people don't want me around, and that certain ones are angry with me.  None of this is true you see, it is all in my mind.  My mind has been betraying me because of this med.  My perception of the world is off.  My perception of Gina has been askew.  Lessening the dose has seemed to help a bit - I don't feel as if I want to rip my skin off …

A difficult then some.

I had one today.  I made a discovery since yesterday - last night actually.  I had gone to see my Mom in the nursing home.  When I head that way, I usually go and see my best friend right afterwards.  Now, I've been struggling these past few weeks.  I did not know what was wrong, I just knew internally I had not been feeling like myself.  My motivation has been greatly lacking, and my attitude has been really headed south.  I've felt sad one moment and rather void of feeling another.  I'm usually very bubbly, and full of energy.  I get more done that most, especially with having chronic pain.  People are amazed that I handle my medicine (pain) and my pain as well as I do.  I just figure we got one stab at this life deal, and I had better do with it, what I can - pain or not.  However, these last few weeks - I've been  on an emotional roller-coaster that's headed to la la land.  

I've been having problems with memory.  I think my brain is actually either really m…

The only way out

I made a video yesterday.  My first - because there wasn't one of it on youtube.  It's the song 'Revolutionize Your Soul' that I wrote about prior.  I am a little proud of myself, my very first iMovie.  I am not a movie maker!  Right.  But I set out to do something and actually accomplished it, so what the heck, accolades.  It isn't great, the order of the images isn't right, but they're there.  I love this song.  I'm a soul person.  To the bone.

I had a difficult day yesterday.  I was hit with something I had to digest.  Thus is why I did not write.  I'd like to say that I handled it perfectly, but I did not.  I may have a few answers inside of me, but my circumstances right now are less than perfect.  It was a family matter - what little I have, and it hurt me. There was little that I could do about it, other than I did, and even when I did re…


Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned,
worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience
of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude.
- Denis Waitley