Monday, December 31, 2012

Year-end thoughts and Hope.

This has been some year.  I've been through quite a bit.  God has gotten me through, despite what I thought.  I'd came off the heels of taking care of my Mom for a very intense eight months.  A woman who's got a very difficult, demanding personality.  Topple this with a touch of dementia - narcissism and plain resentful character - and you got my Momma.  I rarely had a moments peace - and three cats, plus my dog.  Oh, and I forgot to add the abusive brother.  Needless to say ~ anxiety was at an all time high.  I'd came back from Minnesota - and eight months of wonderful A.A. - time to myself, albeit a very lonely time... but with much introspection.  I was pushed to the  limit, mentally and physically.  I look back now and I do not know how I did it.  I drank a bit from time to time.  I talked quite a bit to friends.  Thank God for friends.  I ultimately rededicated my life back to God - and began the fight to restore my life.  I came home from St. Paul with nothing but my clothes and shoes - and my cooking knife.  Oh, and my flag box with the memento's of my dad.  It's really all I have left of him, everything else of his was either stolen, sold or burned.  Wiped off the face of the earth, as if he never existed.  And trust me, that will hurt me, the rest of my life.  No amount of grieving will ever do that justice.  Especially for the man that he was, not just to me, but to other people.  It is a grief so deep, I cannot describe it.  

So going back to that house, was quite the chore.  Facing one of the people that played a part in the destruction, was tremendous.  That forgiveness, was of God.  I'd prayed for miracles for months in a tiny bathroom in St. Paul - to forgive what had taken place - the courage to move on - from the devastation of my life.  I stepped back into that nightmare.  I still feel it in my gut - as I write.  These are the kinds of things that I speak of when I say, "walking wounded."  

God has propelled me through it all.  I nearly got beaten again merely for speaking my mind.  Momma was financially raped again - and has no possessions left.  My family is an horrendous lot.  I have one sibling that has no conscious.  This makes for havoc wreaking in one's family.  It is astounding what one family member can do in the ripping apart of the entire family unit.  The even more stupefying fact is that that family member can work so hard to deflect it's guilt and damages onto another.  He projects his handiwork, upon me.  According to him, I am the liar, I am the thief, I am the anti-christ.  I always have been.  It has never ceased to amaze me.  Being daddy's little girl has been a curse for me.  And my addiction - has fit right in...  Spectacular dynamics. Yet, God is walking me through it.     

I fought hard for years to attempt to try and get this individual to see me for who I really am.  It took most of my energy.  I no longer care.  That was a gift.  I'm resigned in my soul who I am, and it does not mater what he thinks.  All that I know is the events that took place have shaped me - moulded me into the woman that I am now.  I am kind, gentle and I try to be a humble person.  However, I have the strength of a warrior.  I have fought battles.  Battles of the soul, heart and mind.  Battles that I would not wish upon anyone.  However, upon retrospection -- I was never alone.  

Pain makes us feel alone.  It seems to single us out.  I heard on the christian radio yesterday morning before church that God always uses pain to teach us.  It is never wasted.  I guess I knew this, but it really hit home yesterday.  Pain equals growth.  This I know.  That is why when people avoid pain - they turn to something to numb - or become neurotic.  Pain does not just go away.  It settles into the body and it takes on a life of it's very own.  I believe if we endure enough of it and don't deal, it will eventually kill us.  I guess that's not very positive, but it's real.  It doesn't have to be this way.  Pain shared, is pain lessened.  It's like a pressure valve - when we talk to someone, and the greater the listener the more pressure is relieved.  The better we feel, the more connected, less vulnerable to the suffering, more able to cope.  God created man to have a partner - so he would not be alone.... and when He finished, He said, "It is very good."  We need each other in life.  It doesn't have to be a member of the opposite sex - but find someone that you know can listen and validate you.  

I am so very grateful for the people in my life.  The ones that validate me and my experiences.  The ones that hold me in high esteem in their hearts.  I hold them high in mine.  I believe, and God's word says that we are to be willing to lay down our lives for our friends.  That is a commitment.  One I do not take lightly.  Nor did my Father.  He was my mentor - and the very first human to teach me about Jesus.  For that and all of the other things, to numerable  to mention - I adored him.  Life without him still is very difficult.  But I'm making the link from my earthen Father to my heavenly Father for I know I need to on that level.  My Father died, and He (Christ) brought me to my church, my precious church, from which I've found heaven on earth.  Now, I adore it.  God always knows what He's doing.  There isn't anything, nor anyone that could have taken the place of my Pops.  However, my church has resurrected my faith in life, and my hope.  It's given me hope and faith like I've never had it.  Gratitude does not even begin to describe what I feel.  I knew that religion was not the answer for me, it is relationship - with Jesus.  Hope in Glory, and Grace.  Knowing who I am to God.  That revelation  has transformed my life.  Faith really means something now.  Everything that has happened has made me a strong christian woman - who has dreams again.  A christian woman who believes she has a purpose again, and that I have the courage to get out there and find it.  God speaks to me through the Holy Spirit - and it's amazing.  I have found peace like I'd never known - despite bobbles here and there.  I'm still learning, accepting God's love and grace.  What a blessing.  

It's going to be a great year.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Betrayal, expectation, and acceptance

How true that statement is.  How I struggle inwardly, attempting to accept the fact that people will betray.  No matter how much you love them, they will hurt you.  People say that one shouldn't let such things bother ~ but I think it is only because it did not happen to them.  

I am the kind of person, that when I love someone, it means something.  It means that I hold these people in high esteem.  I will try with everything in me, not to disappoint, hurt, damage, nor be incongruent in my behavior.  Those are the expectations I have of myself.  The lesson that I've been fighting most of my life is that, those are my expectations.  It does not mean that others are the same as I.  People throw the words "I love you," around  without giving it much thought.  Without giving much thought to the commitment that it actually means to love someone.  To me, it is much more - something much deeper, than just a feeling.  I suppose, this is my mistake?  I say this because life seems to show me, and has shown me, when it comes to friendship - people usually end up falling very short of what friendship is supposed to be.  

I've pondered at long intervals, am I wrong?  It causes me to question myself.  Some of the things that have happened in my life, I know intrinsically have been out of the realm of friendship.  Others, I have some relationships that I thought I knew who the person was, and found out differently.  One thing is for certain, I've remained the same.  I suppose this is another one of my difficulties as well,  I expect others to do the same - and most of the time, they just don't.  

I usually end up either having to accept situations or move on.  My query is: when does this end?  Alas, I guess it doesn't.  I wonder too - am I just an odd person to have the kind of need for qualities that I have?  Are my morals and standards so rare?  How many people do I have to loose because I want truth, honesty, and congruence?

There are lots of written works, and I have studies materials on acceptance.  I fully understand it's concepts.  Yet, this isn't a analytical matter.  It isn't as if I can just flip a switch and turn off the commitment that I made for these individuals.  I don't loose people easily.  It is a painful process.  I find it difficult to eradicate a person from my psyche...  

Walking wounded.  I believe this is what we are.  Our souls have holes.  We live numb.  We have to.  How else would we continue without taking the time, the proper time, to grieve everything that NEEDS to be grieved.  Just ask someone for advice.  See how quickly they tell you - to "just let it go!" I'm sorry, we live, we breathe, we feel.  This makes us human.  Not dealing with things does not mean they are not there.  Telling yourself that you're going to accept something - and swallowing hard -- doesn't make it go away.  It becomes a part of your feeling history.  It accumulates.  

I say, and I believe it to be a truth: Deal with grief, or grief will deal with you.  I've been through two major bouts of it, and it's been a life changing ordeal.  Not to count the heartbreaks - the loss of friends and major life changes.  It moulds us into who we are.  It's kind of like, if we don't bend with it, we will break.  I've been at breaking points.  Grief is a guttural language.  It cannot be resolved from the mind.  We must surrender to our feelings.  Thus, is real acceptance.  Not this Pollyanna version that most people think.  It takes attention, and vulnerability.  It takes courage.  All the strength you can muster, and it ain't over, till it's over.  

I don't like having to loose people.  I don't like pain.  I live in pain and having heartaches makes it hard for me to go on.  I do however, pay it homage.  I recognize that life is a series of hurts and healing.  I know when I ask, God will help me heal.  I understand that my honor of friendship is not always the same as my fellow man.  I will not let it demean my standards nor default my commitment to it.  I am a deep dweller - I don't take things lightly.  I have to take the time to allow myself to process emotions and circumstances.  It isn't as easy as skipping a step.  It isn't like "oops, lost another one!"

People will treat you how the feel about themselves.  It will rear it's ugly head.  The truth will come to light, whether or not you like it.  Acceptance is probably the answer - but it takes work.  It takes heart work.  I have expectations. I don't know how to get rid of them.  I have them of myself, and I dare say, I have them of others.  There comes a point - and I believe it's true of most people, we cannot just allow people to just do anything to us - we have to have some expectations.   I suppose it is a fine line, each individual has to draw.  

Faith is a beautiful thing.  It works in all situations.  My creator is there always.  I am learning, as I go to trust.  My Pastor says it's a process - just like anything else.  Faith holds me up when man lets me down.  Faith allows me to still believe there's good in the world when someone that I thought loved me, shows me their truth card.  It doesn't have to crush me.  I can still believe in truth and commitment.  I can still want the kinds of quality people in my life - and put forth the energy to draw them to me.  I forge on, a walking wounded -- and will grieve as time allows.  My prayer is that I don't take out my pain on others while I'm mending.  As this door closes, this chapter of my life draws to a close - new doors will be opened.  I will trust that my needs will be met.  As ugly as it sounds, I believe it true - God has a way of weeding out difficult people.  I can accept this.  He always knows what's best.  I love that about God.  That safety.  That surety.  It's humble, and warm.  Despite everything that happens in my life, I am always amazed by God.  Acknowledging His will.  That I can accept.     


Thursday, December 20, 2012

On the Verge of Forgiveness

Hope is trying to peak it's head out.  There are just emotions that need to be healed.  My addiction loves these kinds of times- when I am hurting and uncertain.  When I struggle for answers and I'm not resting in the love of God.  I hear the tapes in my head that me I'm a failure -- instead of I've had failures.... Thank my Lord I know the difference.  If I don't watch, I'll end up curled up into a ball, crying my eyes out - feeling very small and insignificant.  My addiction feeds off of this too.  The smaller it can make me feel, the greater it becomes, and the less I feel in touch with God, the less likely I am to be able to overcome it.  Having to take medication - this is very difficult.  I have a pit in my stomach.

Yesterday was a day of multiple feelings.  I was very anxious.  I went to see my Pastor crying all the way there and most of the time when I was there (sometimes on the inside).  I'm so sick of this battle.  I even told him it feels like there is a spiritual tug of war going on inside of me.  I'm grieving - and the process isn't going so well.  I've eased God out (E.G.O.) and am trying to do this alone.  I know that this is an impossibility - rationally, but tell that to my ego.  I am so stubborn at times.  It can feel as if I'm going insane if I over analyze it.  I've had the beauty of God's glorious peace - and I want it back.  Yet, I am not surrendering.  The hardest thing is I don't know why.  I don't like disharmony - so it's not like I want this internal drama.  It is just with me.  It mostly feels like "more will be revealed" - and thus - I tarry on.  I have not felt well physically and this does not help.

I am in a state of unforgiveness toward self.    If that is even a word.  I know that God has forgiven me. I know it is self-righteous, I know that it's self-centered - all of those things.  Egoic, and plain (I guess) stubborn.  Yet, I don't feel like, this time - I know how.  It's like I've forgotten the process - and if I don't get it right - I'll repeat the same mistakes.  That is the greatest fear.  Oh, how I'm coming to hate fear.  This is almost immobilizing me.  It's almost got me shut down.  There isn't enough depression medication out there to fix this, nor mend my heart.
I found this today.  I believe in Grace.  It is my faith.  I love it with all my heart.

I know it happened  little by little, and I just stopped taking care of myself.  I stopped paying attention to what I needed.  I gave everything that I had to everyone else.  I did not listen to my intuition - I shoved down my needs.  I started running on empty.  I suppose with any engine, if not properly maintained - it blew.  I fed it "feel better stuff" - to keep maintaining what I was doing.  It was when my physical pain started and I was in a bad relationship to top things off.

Please forgive me as I process through this.  Writing helps me.  I cry in between paragraphs- sentences. 
I've made mistakes.  I hurt myself.  I don't think I hurt anyone but myself.  I did eventually end up loosing my career - I was in so much denial.... all addicts get like this.  I feel asleep on one of my clients towards the end, and they let me go.  How shaming.  I had only myself to blame, and blame myself have I. I had to look at the records I was keeping and straighten them out before I left - and I saw first hand what a mess of things I was making.  I was a wreck, and so was my work.  

I did not do this on purpose.  I'm an addict - and I merely did what addicts do when they don't take proper care of themselves.  I think I thought helping other addicts would keep me sober - and I found out differently.  I thought that because someone loved me to death, that I had to stay with them.  I was choking to death in many area's of my life.  I did not love this person, and had not in a long time - if ever - but the abuse kept me there.  The threats of suicide if I left - the anger and rage.  The silence - all of the verbal and emotional abuse.  I'd have to go to work and pretend that everything in my life was fine and my recovery was top notch.  I was living a lie before I ever picked up a pill.  The pills just helped sooth a wounded soul.  I did not know how to stay where I was, an I'd never been in an abusive relationship - I didn't  know how to leave.  I suppose trying to stay healthy wasn't an option.  I became very depressed.  Then I quit my job and we moved to another state -- an I didn't even want to - I was then secluded.  I had no voice, and no choices.  So, I did the one thing that I did have control over -- I used.  If I couldn't leave, then I'd stay high.

I praise God that this is becoming clearer.  As the details come back, I can process it, and feel what I did not feel then - and learn from it.  These are the ruins of my life.  If I am to feel now, I must learn how to heal.  This is an arduous process.  I'm still glad I'm here at it's feet.  It's taken me ten years to deal with it.  If not longer.  I've been so full of shame over it.  It made me feel less than human - shame has a way of doing just that.  Subhuman, like some sort of a monster.  To have done the things that I did - and mind you I did not harm a client - other than I was not able to listen like I should have.  I harmed myself more than anyone.  But aren't we the ones that have the hardest time letting ourselves off the hook?  I know I am.  

I can feel the pain of this lessening.  Day after day - as I walk through the memories and the feelings.  The more I think and realize the Lord inside me.  All of my life experiences will be used for a greater purpose - I do believe this.  I will be called upon to either empathize with someone who's done far worse things, or who's shame is of same magnitude as  my own - and I'll know their cry.  I'll know the depths of their anguish.  Their self-condemnation.  When I've fully forgiven myself - I'll know how to gently help them with their own forgiveness.  Therein is the hope.  

I am a believer of pain shared, pain lessened - even if you don't know with whom your sharing with.  As I write, it relieves my burden.  Somewhere, someday, someone will be searching to know that inside themselves they aren't alone with the thoughts that I write about.  They aren't the only ones who's mind tells them they are a failure.  That there is hope, a process, and a reason for their pain.  Our minds lie to us.  Mine lies to me.  It tells me things that have been told to me that are untruths.  It takes great courage to combat this.  It is inside of you.  There is a God, and He is just waiting to enter into your heart - He is loving, and gentle and kind.  Not like you've been afraid of but full of mercy and grace.  He gave you life so that you might live it more abundantly.  If you seek answers, check here: Paulwhiteministries.org for more information about a loving God - that isn't mad at you, and never has been.  Jesus has transformed my life - not religion.  

Forgiveness is a gift.  It has to be a gift I give to myself.  I know I am in process.  I can feel it.  The load is getting lighter. I also know that Jesus can take this weight, when ever I let Him have it.  It is my fears that I'm combatting.  My humaness that is preventing me from the freedom that awaits. I'm just the kind of person that needs understanding in order to not make the same mistake over again.  I do things the hard way.  I also know that once I am past this my joy will be full.  This has been a huge stumbling block for me.  I don't give the devil much credit - but he knew this would be hard on me.  He may not know it yet, but he is defeated.  I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus.  I might get down, and struggle, but I will rise up a champion.  How could I not?  It isn't just me in this life deal.  My spirit has been shaken, but my foundation is strong.  I know who holds my future.  

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Crossing Over

I started rereading Marianne Williamson's book, "The Gift of Change," and it is totally preening my thought process.  I so can feel this woman.  Her words are so earthily true.  She is a soul speaker.  A heart writer like I've ever known.  Her answers are rich and deliciously palatable.  Her voice so warm and clear - yet profound like any I've ever read.  Her answers to our fear problems so universal.

"Crossing the bridge to a better world begins with crossing a bridge inside our minds, from the addictive mental patterns of fear and separation, to enlightened perceptions of unity and love.  We're in the habit of thinking fearfully, and it takes spiritual discipline to turn that around in a world where love is more suspect than fear.

To achieve a miraculous experience of life, we must embrace a more spiritual perspective.  Otherwise, we will die one day without ever having know the joy of living.  That  joy emerges from the experiences of our true being---when we detach from other people's projections onto us, when we allow ourselves permission to dream our greatest dreams, when we're willing to forgive ourselves and others, when we're willing to remember that we were born with one purpose:  to love and be loved."
Marianne Williamson.

I've been digging into my life.  I've been searching for answers.  I've been experiencing fear.  I have not known what the fear is.  It bristles up it's murky head - and all I want to do is run.  Not much unlike the stork - I'd really rather hide my head in the sand - and just not deal.  However, I know if I don't I'm not going to find true meaning in my life.

I once had it - but this is now.  I cannot relive my life over.  I must go forward and face these feelings -- and that is all that they are, feelings.  I'm not sure which comes first - the thought or the feeling -- but both stir up pain.  Pain from mistakes.  I've got to let it go.  This process, on this level - is eluding me.  I cannot seem to get to the core of what it really is.  What is the deepest part of it.  Where the true healing must come from so that I may find freedom from it.  Or perhaps it is because I am trying to do it without  God?  If I am, I am not fully aware.

I have a strong spirit and there are many times I try and take this stuff on alone.  I don't mean to, but I do it.  And there are times, when one cannot do this stuff, alone.  This is one of those times.  It is a great rift in my spirit, a tear in the fabric of my being.  I went against my own belief system -- and I am not certain how I get past this.  Some would say, "Ah, everybody does it at some point in their lives."  This person does not understand me.  I am my beliefs.  It is who Gina is.  The foundation of my soul.  If I am not a person of integrity - I don't know who I am.  I dishonored myself.  It was not the worse thing that anyone has ever done - in an addictive state -- mind you, but dishonorable yet and still.  I guess some people can get past things easier than I can.  It all boils down to forgiveness.  Forgiveness and the fear of failure again - if I don't embrace this truth.  I know it is also about loving myself - and on this level, therein lies the challenge.

My Father raised me to do the right thing.  Always do the right thing.  I was never much of a rule breaker.  I'm still not.  I play life pretty safe that way.  Stay within the confounds of right and wrong and life will be okay.  Don't talk about people behind their backs, be a good friend, and don't break your promises.  If you tell someone you'll do something, do it or die.  Your word has to mean something - if a man's word doesn't mean anything - neither does he.  Tell the truth.   Basic things to me.  These things are the make up of who I am.  Seems pretty simple, but it's not always.  Especially when you become an addict.  Try and hold these things true when your stealing, and lying an living a complete double life.  Then try and live with yourself.  See the dilemma ?

Try counseling people high.  People that think your sober.  People that think you've been sober for 12 years.  This is what I'm trying to get past.  I worked in the addictions field, high.  There are no excuses, there are no need to make any - it is merely the truth.  I got to where I got to - because I made choices.  I knew how to stay sober -- I told people how to do it everyday - but somehow on the way - I decided not to.  I was "different."  I didn't need meetings.  I didn't need a support system.

At any rate - this is what I'm trying to digest.  How I got to such a place.  How I can forgive myself.  How I can get to this place to let the fear subside.  How to rebuild my life and not make the same mistake again.  I know that I have to heal this wound.  I have to fully embrace it.  It still makes me anxious.  It makes me not want to try.  It makes me not want to finish anything  nor take on serious tasks.  Not to commit to anything real.  It seems it keeps me from feeling real.

But, I am real.  I have to find a way to overcome this mistake.  This perceived  failure.  The loss of my career.  I've called it several things.  Now it's time to deal with it for what it is - a life fact that I have to move on from.  I don't think, thinking is going to solve this one....  it's a hearts journey.  A hearts journey in which I'm going to have to ask for help.  I need insight into my inability to forgive myself, for it's been years since this took place.  I've wallowed in it long enough, it's controlled me as long as I'll let it.  I am an overcomer in this lifetime.  I've overcome more than most ever go through - put back the pieces of my life several times, and it's time once again.  Once I make the decision, and I am making the decision - the universe will back me up.  God will help me heal.  I broke my own heart, now it's up to me to heal it.  If I am to go onward an become who God would have me be - with a clear heart - I must come with an open one.  If my experience is to benefit others, I must do this work.

The crossing over begins with the commitment to myself.  To heal these broken places.  To become who God would have me be, not who I was, but who I am now - mended, awakened and whole.  

Friday, December 14, 2012

Soul voices. Ego rants.

Struggles.... That's what has had my writing voice.  I've been so deep inside my own head, I could not hear.  I could not see, and I could not write.  I do not know how I get in such a state as to where I just want to shut down.  I have to at times, it seems.  I have to close myself off from the outside world and attempt to figure this life deal out.  It's funny, because I never actually seem to find a solution - not the sum total anyway.  God does keep sending me angels  on this journey - to help me through.  

The ego battle is (excuse me) a bitch.  It fights me for control, seems like daily.  Why it wants to tell me I'm worthless - I don't know if I'll ever know.  The only thing that I've ever concluded is, that it wants me to give it something to numb me.  I dislike pain.  We all do.  I can handle physical pain, but I very much dislike emotional pain.  Especially the variety of which I've been experiencing as of late - the kind that seems to have no clear answers.  It asks me questions I cannot answer.  Questions no one could.

Why I search myself is what I'd like to know.  Is this NORMAL?  What is normal?  

Someone dear to me said something about redefining life at 50.  Perhaps this is what I'm going through.  Sort of like a midlife crisis?  It makes sense, and with my having to start over again, it really made sense.  I think I'm not sure how to see myself - in life and in the world.  It makes for an uncomfortable dwelling - all the way around.  It produces fear.  We all need to feel like we have a place.  I have not had one, and now I'm afraid to.  This does not mean I don't know who I am - for I do - I just don't know where I fit.  It affects the voices (all mine, by the way) in my head.   That same friend - said something too, that has resonated so deeply with me, "we forget who we are because of our pain."  I've had plenty of it, and I think I have forgotten who I am.  I think this  process I'm going through is the transformation of remembering.  It's painful - and odd.  How could it not be?  

I have days where all I want to do is run back to my apartment.  I guess it's like a child running back to Mommy.  The comfort zone.  The nothingness.  Where I don't have to think - but I do more thinking that a body has a right - or a mind really.  I drive myself crazy.  I'm pretty much figuring out it's simply fear. 

I've told others that fear is just an emotion.  Now I'm telling myself.  It's bizarre when you feel it, and don't recognize it as such.  For me, it can become camouflaged as something else merely because I don't do fear well.  Most of the time it makes me angry.  I found out yesterday - I've been lashing out, and I've been very intense.  I don't doubt I've been odd - I've felt completely out of sorts - and on this level, it's got to come out somewhere.  I feel badly, and of course I apologized for my behavior.  

Now to come out of this place.  It seems that I have to make a commitment - and this sort of freaks me out.  I don't think I can take more loss.  I know that is what is at the bottom of this.  I'm afraid I'll loose something else, and I just don't think I can take loosing one more thing in life.   I think the real deal here is commitment to myself.   To invest in Gina again.  There is fear there too.  Deep, unresolved fears.  I don't even know for certain how to get to this core.  The issues start flying out of my head - the stuff with my failures of the past.  The "what if's"...  but I cannot dwell there.  It's massive and designed to keep me from moving forward.  If feels like all the years of pain and defeat rolled into who I am - and I know it is not true.  It is my depression.  I'm tired of it's vastness - sucking me in like a vapor.  I am not some puff of smoke that can be so easily manipulated.  I have strength and substance.  I have vision!  

I've been subsuming to this pain and I'm tired of it.  I am bigger than this, this mental mirage.  For one thing, all I have to do is what is in front of me.  I've been living in the future or the past.  Today is the gift.  I have to just receive it as it comes, and trust God.  So I've failed in the past?  It did not kill me.  It made me stronger, wiser, and more compassionate.  When I stay in today - anything is possible.  

I just have to rethink this life deal.  Find my place in it.  I'm searching, this is true.  I suppose we all do it.  I just don't have to drive myself insane in it's pursuit.  I've been depressed.  This causes discord.  I don't like disharmony.  I just want to find my place in the world and help someone if I can.  I'm really pretty simple - with exception to times like these.  I suppose we all have redefining moments.  I do know that I'm where I'm supposed to be and I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.  I just have to hang on and process through.  I finally was able to finish a whole prayer last night.  Prayer changes things.  I know this.  I haven't been able to pray.  When I'm off spiritually - I'm off literally.  

My friend - my sweet, sweet friend.  She tells me how wonderful I am.  I thank God for her.  She knows me so well.  It is as if God speaks to me, through her.  This has been such a gift as of late.  Our conversations are so lovely.  I know we have reconnected so she can speak to my soul.  She does, speak to my soul.  There is no one else that can talk to me like she does.  It is almost like she has a direct link with God.  It is so wonderful when you hear someone describe you, and it's all the things that you aspire to be - and someone actually sees you that way.  It is beyond words at times.  She does not know how desperately I've needed to receive the blessings she is bestowing.  I have no doubt this is the handiwork of my Lord.  

He is always with me, even though I don't have enough sense to know it.  I struggle, and forget He is there.  This is when He has to get loud and show up in others for I'm to stubborn to see Him in myself.  I'm too fearful to feel his presence.  He sends me angels to prove to me He is what He says He is, He'll do what He's promised.  I am humbled, and aware.  I can quiet my ego.  I can stop scrambling for answers again, an trust.  Oh how I have difficulty with trust.  Thank goodness, He knows.  Thank goodness He doesn't judge me, He just finds another way to show me.  God amazes me like that.  The little "winks," that let me know, He's got my back.  He's got my back, even when I go out on a limb and fight for control.  Even when I loose sight of Him.  He knows me so well.  He speaks to my soul in whatever voice I need - and He even loves my ego.  That's huge.  Thank you Jesus ----




Monday, December 10, 2012

Love, forgiveness and friendship.


I heard from an old friend yesterday.  One I thought I'd not hear from again.  We'd had words... well, I'd said my piece. We'd both been struggling, and some things had been said that I didn't know how to deal with.  I did what I do, for sake of knowing what to do, I wrote her a letter and distanced myself.  

I get overwhelmed at times.  Overwhelmed with my own pain - physical, mental, and emotional.  I carry around a great deal from day to day - as most of us do - but there are days when I have a lot of stuff inside of me.  Somedays I'm just angry because I'm in pain all the time, and others, well it's just more like feelings of powerlessness.  I have a lot of side affects from the medicines that I take, and this brings on a whole new set of challenges - nausea, headaches, dizziness, and the like.  All of these types of circumstances that I deal with, make me feel well, in a word, small.  I choose small because all of it seems so large in my life.  I will not feel sorry for myself - it is just an emotion that I don't do - I'd rather be angry at the ordeal than throw a pity party.  I've been like this, or sick in some way for many years now - and you just learn how to deal.  

This affects my life in a myriad of ways.  If I'm not careful.  I have been known to listen to a lot of other people's pain.  Like it or not, when we do, we absorb part of it.  The kind of spirit that I have, wounded from life - I actually feel what the other person is talking  about.  It is beyond compassion.  I can't explain it, it is just part of who I am.  Sometimes I get overwhelmed and if I don't respond a certain way - it overtakes me.  I have to practice a certain kind of self-care with certain people.  People, really like me- that have intense issues.  People that I love dearly.  

This is someone that called me out of the blue last night.  Someone I love dearly.  Someone that I had - well, not dealt with very well.  The amazing thing about her is that she knows me perhaps better than anyone on this planet - an knows why I do what I do.  She will let months go by, let me have time to think, and then reconnect.  I must say, I'm grateful for this.  I needed her and have needed her these last few weeks.  

You ever have that kind of person that knows exactly what your saying before you finish?  The one that actually says, "I get that!"  The one human that makes you feel like your not in some Siberian winter all alone, freezing to death in life.  Well, she is that to me.  I've never quite met anyone like her - and doubt that I will again - for there is only one of her.  We're miles apart, but I feel so loved.  We always come back to our friendship, even after years at time, and right where we left off.  We share insights, ideas, and dreams with each other.  It is sort of odd, but if I've ever had a soul mate in a friend, she'd be it.  She just gets me.  She is always telling me how wonderful I am - and I can hear it.  Most of the time when others compliment me, it doesn't resonate in my heart like it does when she does it.  I know that she means it.  

We've had a lot of forgiving to do in this friendship at different times.  It's just been done.  There is an acceptance of our humanness and our infallibility.  Her and I both have gone through some difficult, trying times - together and apart.  We're survivors.  We're victors.  We've never been victims.  We age and we grow, and we grow and we grow.  

It is wonderful to know when you have a person whom you know has your best interest at heart.  It is so safe, and warm.  All possibility lies in this relationship.  There is no fear - and no limitations.  Just room for growth.  This is what forgiveness brings - a clear heart.  I don't know if there are people out there that feel this - I know that there must be, I feel it.  

I needed her essence in my life.  I had a rough time of it lately.  I've been inside my own head way too much.  Loneliness is well, in a word and in life hard to describe.  It can be so painful.  Especially to a communicator like me.  It can almost bring madness.  Being victim to your own thoughts over and over.  Without relief it is a living hell.   Somedays, I hate my own though patterns.  That is when I pray for relief.  I wonder does this make me somewhat insane.  I think it is just the pain of being alone day after day.  Most folks don't understand - it's like solitary confinement.  Except there is no jail.   

God gave me what I needed yesterday, and she forgave me for my distancing myself some months back.  It was what I needed to do, at the time.  I hope I've grown.  I always hope I grow.  I forge forward, everyday.  Someone said to me last week, "Be positive Gina!', I wanted to hit him.  Most people have no idea what I go through, the internal battle, just to get up and get out the door.  Some days everything in me tells me just to go back to bed.  I fight it, and forge on.  My legs hurt, my back hurts, and I don't want to move.  However, I know if I sit here, it's not going to change one aspect of my life and I will only focus on the pain - if I get up and get going, I have the chance to accomplish something.  However small - I did not let the pain defeat me.  I won for another day.  It may eat at me mentally - and it breaks through physically at times, but spiritually I can rise above it.  That's where I retain control.  

If your struggling with something in your life, know that it doesn't have to defeat you.  Reach for the people that really know you and your worth.  The soul feeders.  The ones that help you feel less lost in the world.  It can make all the difference in the world in your pursuit.  Forgiveness is the key to freedom.  Use it to unlock your life.  Resentment and anger are a fools mental preoccupation.  We use it to avoid the real pain about the situation.  Feel that pain and move forward.  The only way out is through the pain, trust me I've been through enough.  The gift is waiting on the other side.  The transformation, the illumination.  You will see things in a whole new light.  

I'm grateful my friend took the risk.  Risks are an awesome thing.  Frightening and sometimes tricky - but they're always worth it because you learn.  Even if it doesn't turn out like you think - you've gained something.  Stepping into the unknown is always like that.

Friendships are the connections of my life.  They mean everything to me.  They go deeper than my family (with exception to my Dad) really ever did.  They are on a completely different level.  These people choose to be around you.  What an amazing gift.  Do you know that Christ Himself calls us friend?  Yes, it is in the bible.  This is so heartwarming.   We are not alone.  We are not intended to be alone.  I thank God for forgiveness - both the ability to be forgiven, and the ability to forgive.  I see both sides of it.  I've been on both sides of it.  The healing that takes place is miraculous.  I'm a firm believer in miracles, both large and small.  Prayer changes things.  It just does.  I'm living proof.  I asked for an answer to this loneliness - and my friend picked up the phone.  If that isn't an answer, I don't know what is.  She forgave me, another gift.  When I view the world through eyes of love, love is what I get back.  When I view them through misery - misery is what I get.  It's all in the perception...  It's not always this simple, but sometimes it is.  The choice is always there.  We can start over at any given time, and interject new thought.  Being loving is a choice, it's an attitude.  In this world, I won't say it will be easy - but nothing worthwhile ever is.  If more of us chose, it would be a better place.  Choose love today - choose peace - choose to be compassionate and kind.  See how your day goes.  Just keep coming back to center and remembering your choices - and go out and do it.  I think you'll be quite surprised at the day you have.  We are the change we wish to see in the world - one person at a time.  

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Insight

I've had a light-bulb moment today.  I'm grateful.  

I've been struggling with my writing - difficulty with a sort of brain deadness!  I know what it is, but it has been frustrating.  So, I've been looking at this course at 'The daily Om.'  I've been wanting to sign up and take it for about two weeks now, and today I finally did it.  It is "healing your past through focused journalling"...  Well, any of you that read know I'm all for healing.  An I've been tossing and turning a bit in the mind as of late.  So, today I paid for it and began.  WOW.  As I had sensed, it is just what I needed - and right on time.  

Insight is a beautiful thing.  Perception or the change of our perception in our lives can actually be a miracle.  When we see something from a totally different perspective - it changes everything.  It changes our feelings, our attitude towards the situation, our reactions to it, and how we are likely to respond.  It makes the circumstance seem almost completely new.  Fresh thoughts rush in, new ideas, and completely new solutions.  Old patterns can be broken - or in my case, a whole new way of viewing a person can take place.  

I had something take place when I was small.  It was an event where I thought my Mother should have protected me. ( If you figure this out, that's okay, but for privacy's sake I'm not going to share this event completely. ) In my mind, my Mother, at that very moment proved to me I was worthless.  I suppose this is what my feelings/mind told me.  Based upon the situation and her lack of response, I did not have value.  Being that I continued to have to be in proximity to this individual over and over again - continued to validate my belief.  It was at this time when my memory began to get sketchy.  There is much of my childhood that is blank.  Now albeit, I did not have the healthiest of families.  There was drug activity, and alcohol use.  I knew what drugs were what by about age 10.  My middle brother would tell me what this and that was -- and I had consumed alcohol by age 11 and marijuana by 6th grade.  It was the latter part of the 60's - and I had two older brothers.  I grew up fast.  But I digress.

My feelings towards myself as with any child - came from my relationship with my parents.  Now I'm not totally blaming - not at all - but these are the major relationships in our lives.  They are the main mirrors from which we form all of our bonds.  Believe that or not.  I believe it because I've spent a lifetime trying to undo the past - and heal from it.  I perceived that day that my Mom did not care about me.  I had a difficult Mother anyway.  She was not loving, matter of fact she was pretty angry a lot of the time.  She was very self-centered.  She seemed to have time and love for my brothers, but with  me - I was more of something she seemed to want to 'show off'.  I was very almost painfully shy.  I was a pretty little girl.  Or that is what I was told.  Mom always seemed more concerned with how I looked than she ever did about how I was.  I don't think that was ever taken into account.  I was dressed to the nines and paraded all over.  Weddings, fashion shows, pageants - you name it - I was made to do it.  I can remember crying and pleading with her not to make me, and she'd say, "if you love me, you'll do it."  That was nice.  That gave me little, well, no choice.  I was I know now, an extension of my Mother - and not really her child.  She did not treat me like a daughter.  She never has.  I was more like a doll.  What I thought, felt, needed, wanted (emotionally), dreamed, hoped, feared -- didn't matter to her.  It wasn't about me -- it was all about her.  This is how narcissists are.  I know that now.  

Some of you will cringe.  Oh how could you talk about your mother that way?!  Well, I lived it.  Believe it or not, there are many women that have been through the very same experience.  There is a very good book out there than changed my life called "Will I Ever be Good Enough?" - and I don't have it right here - so I don't have the authors name.  If interested... comment and I'll get back to you.  I thought I was the only one.  We're never the only ones in life, there is always someone that has had or experienced what we have.  If you're thinking it, someone else has thought it too..  I've had therapists shame me over my feelings at one time with my mom.  I changed therapists.  I had to heal.  

One can easily see how I might have a duality in my mind when it comes to relationships.  Or hell, life itself.  My lightbulb moment today was -- even though she didn't protect me all those years ago - did not mean that I didn't deserve protecting.  Perhaps she just did not know what to do.  Mom was doing the best she knew how to do in life.  If I'd had her life, man.  The thing is, this event propelled a lot of feelings of self-worth or the lack thereof.  I really am at 50, tired of the old tapes that play in my head - the duality that I endure.  I'm tired of being afraid of love.  Being afraid that love is going to hurt me.  Mostly because of my beliefs.  Beliefs are like weeds in the brain.  It isn't that they cannot be changed, but trying to find the weed killer.  That one thing, or number of things that it takes to remove the faulty truths from your memory banks.  The quest of quests.  

I sit here now and I cry.  It is the only way I know how to heal.  I've never allowed myself to have feelings about this other than anger at my mom.  The fact of the matter is that I had every right to have expected her to protect me.  She should have.  I deserved it.  I've deserved it all my life.  I release the anger and just feel the hurt - and the disappointment.  It's okay for me to feel.  Just because she couldn't handle it does not mean I don't have permission.  I do, I can, and I will.  The things that have bound me all of these years will not bind me anymore - the denying of self and of experience.  I can accept her and  myself.  I'm going to learn how to live without this hanging over my head - and ache in my heart.  I'm going to learn how to stop being so distrusting.  

I'm excited about this course.  If the beginning is giving me this much - wow.  It was worth every penny.  I'm all for enlightenment and transformation.  I wonder sometimes, often times why I'm alone - but most of the time I know - this journey of mind is not over.  This solitude is a healing's way.  I'd not be able to grieve if I were in relationship, not like I can now.  This part of the path is not finished.  The transformation is not done.  If I got into a relationship I'd probably just mess it up anyway with the fears and blunders I'd make.  I do believe insight is a miracle.  To be able to see something from an entirely different perspective is priceless.  I look forward to unblocking patterns and shattering old beliefs.  These insights will be worth their weight in gold.    

Friday, December 7, 2012

Addiction

I'm up and without cigarettes - but I'll write about addiction as a whole for I know it well.  I live with it everyday.  Some would think it odd, but it is a voice inside our heads - an entity that one lives with.  Mine is still alive because I smoke and I still have to take pain medication.  It isn't the battle it once was - although it still lives.

Most people think addiction and alcoholism a crutch.  They do not realize that it is something that per it's beholden, in it's height is hated.  I hated mine, for it was never satisfied.  Can you imagine never getting enough food, or sex, or sleep?  Now magnify this by say, a thousand.  It propels you like nothing you've ever known.  It's all you can think about, your keeping high, or getting there.  It is your first thought upon waking, and your last thought at lights out.  How your going to acquire it the next day.  It's called preoccupation and it's a mother of a job.

Addiction is by nature a dis-ease of the brain.  All illnesses are called DIS-EASE.  The body is not at ease. It's really that simple.  I remember the first time I thought that I was an addict.  I'd stolen pills again, and knew I was going to get caught.  See, consequences hardly matter -- all that matter is the high to the brain.  Once the cycle has started - there is no stopping it with out intervention, of some kind.  I was a mere 18 when I knew it and I continued in mine until I went to treatment at 24.   I was very fortunate, I was helped.  I wanted help, I knew I was not normal.  I knew my behavior was sick.  I wanted help which is where the addict has to be - or can get to.  I was at bottom, and willing.

How does a person become an addict?  Well, this is a matter of debate.  Nurture or nature is the query.  I believe it is a little of both and I've seen hundreds.  I believe that my brain reacts to chemicals differently that most.  There is evidence of this.  I think when I take a pill, it feels differently to me that it does to the average person.  As with alcohol.  It is about receptor sites in the brain and how they react.  However, anyone who gets ahold of some of these drugs today - Meth and the like - can become addicted if the do enough of it and the conditions are ripe.  What I mean by this is - if a person has issues, person pain that they are not either capable of dealing with and they resort to chemicals; anyone can become chemically dependent if they use a substance to mask emotional wounds.  Particularly in the case of grief that is unresolved, if a person is not willing to feel their emotions and resorts to alcohol on a long term basis.  Most chemically dependent persons have some sort of emotional scars - statistics show almost 90% have childhood abuse of some sort.

So why do we blame these people?  That has always been my question?  What is the need for judgment here?  Would we have handled their pain any better?  Ah, we're a people of judgment.  We like to look down our noses at others and believe how well we'd have done if we were in their shoes.  Except we aren't.  Except we rarely even think about their circumstances.  We just want to place ourselves higher and know we'd have done a better job.  It makes everyone 'feel' better.  I really dislike this demeanor.  Not only because of what I've been through, but because of the supremacist attitude.  I've worked with all kinds of people and I don't feel the need to feel better than any of them.  Even when someone does the nose lifting -- it does not make that person any better -- really is just makes them uncompassionate (if this is a word).  As far as I'm concerned- they are the ones with the issues.

I wish the world understood addiction better - and I think it is getting better.  There is less association with skid row bums.  I was far from that.  Shoot, I've worked with Priests.  It is not a respecter of persons - it is sort of like a host in a living body.  I know one thing, it is the only disease that tells you that you don't have one.  An then there is denial - it works 24-7 telling everyone else you don't have a problem either and it's damn good at it.  It's the world's fault, it's your Mom's fault, etc.  This, another mechanism of the brain - it protects the disease.  Denial is one of the hardest parts to deal with because it clings so tightly to the belief that it's a thousand other things in the addicts life that's wrong.  This is why interventions work, the addict is bombarded with truth.  That is the only thing that will work.

I'm grateful for shows like Intervention.  It's introduced the world, into true addiction.  It's edgy, gritty and pretty real.  One just knows the life isn't pretty, and that it takes a village to get an addict to stop sometimes.

Perhaps the next time you go for that bite of ice cream that you know you shouldn't have, or that second helping of whatever - think what it would be like if you couldn't stop yourself.  Think what it would be like if that's all you thought about, morning, noon and night.  There are those that are addicted to food, and sex.  We are an odd lot, humans.  We adapt in some peculiar ways sometimes.  I don't know if any of us are "normal" - whatever this means.  I tend to think that we're all colored like the rainbow.  There is just some of us that are more vibrant that others.  I believe this way, there is no need to judge our fellow man.

Addicts struggle, and struggle greatly.  The mental anguish alone would drive (for sake of knowing what else to call it) the average person, mad.  Totally bonkers.   It is a horrible internal struggle between right, wrong and getting high.  It cannot be seen -- but trust me, it's there.  It isn't as if we don't have souls.  Perhaps this is what's thought.  This is far from reality - once sober - their some of the kindest people, creative and thoughtful.  Most just have major hurts.  Addiction fuels this fire, and they hurt themselves more - and everyone around them.  This is what makes recovery so hard.  I did not say impossible.  It is a rebirth.  A transformation.  One has to start over from a place many times, they've never been.  How do you do this?  That's a whole different blog.  However it begins with the surrender.  Surrender for an addict that's been fighting to get high for years is no easy feat.  It is very, very frightening.  However if they follow this tract, thus begins the change.  Many do not continue to surrender because that is just the beginning.  One almost has to die daily to the will of the addiction in order to stay sober - and some just never get this or cannot do it -- some never figure out how - but many do.  I loved being a part of this.  Watching people get well was like watching flowers bloom right before your very eyes.  It's almost magical.  I guess really it is.  When you take someone in the trows of addiction and watch them stop, begin to rebuild their lives, their relationships, and most of all begin the heal - it's pretty magical.  I guess you really could say - it's a miracle.  I say this because, when the addiction is at it's height - it just keeps telling you to get higher.  That's it's job.  It doesn't know stopping.  It just knows it wants more, and it isn't rational.  So recovery?  Yeah.  It's pretty miraculous.


Wednesday, December 5, 2012

The difference a day can make.

I had an awesome day yesterday.  There is the possibility that I might get to do something I've wanted to do all my life.  It sprang out of no where... as wonders do.  I left where I volunteer so high on life - and filled with renewal I cried.  God does know the desires of my heart and wants them for me.  It isn't as if I don't believe it, I guess it just took me a bit by surprise with the mindset I've had these last few days.  

I've seriously been battling my mind and I've concluded I'm in a depressive mood.  Thinking the kinds of thoughts that I have are not normal.  I've had such negative feelings, thinking people don't want me around, and that certain ones are angry with me.  None of this is true you see, it is all in my mind.  My mind has been betraying me because of this med.  My perception of the world is off.  My perception of Gina has been askew.  Lessening the dose has seemed to help a bit - I don't feel as if I want to rip my skin off -- but I've still got to deal with the unwelcome thoughts.  I'll process my way out of it, thank God I know what it is.  There are those in the throws of it that don't know it isn't reality.  

If I get the opportunity to do what's being proposed, it will greatly alter my life.  It will be a grand transformation, and one that I have been waiting for.  It will get me out of these apartments, and working with addicts again.  I dare to dream.  

I'm so grateful, that those that I've been working with believe in me.  I presented my resume last week.  It is old mind you, because I have not worked in 12 years as I've been disabled.  It does not mean that I cannot still do what I know I am meant to do - for now it looks like it might come to fruition.  I'm kind of in awe.  I'm not going to put all my eggs in one basket however... it  might now pan out.  I will still be happy I was considered for the position, and perhaps a little disappointed if it doesn't work out.  I've always, since my second internship, wanted to oversee a halfway house.  I understand that the house itself is beautiful.  

I feel much clearer in my thinking, and I'm getting better.  I'm starting to feel like the old me.  I find out today how long I have to keep taking this med and at what dose.  I shall ascribe to less is more from now on.  Leave well enough alone.  If it ain't broke, don't fix it.  If I have to I'll carry notebooks to remember, this is what I have to do.  

I feel the  power of God in my life again.  It feels wonderful.  I'd lost touch with this too.  I need His guiding strength.  I don't see how anyone gets by in this world without it.  I came home after getting the news and cried joyful tears.  I humbly prayed that if this proposition is God's will, then for Him to let me have it.  I only want what is God's will in my life, for all other things are chaos.  I live for His peace.  I strive to live my life as humbly, earnestly, and gracefully as I can.  The greatest of these is to live in love.  It is sometimes the hardest, especially when it is someone that we don't even like.  Love your neighbor - most of us don't even know our neighbors.  Life has gotten so far from what it was meant to be...  

I know that I say it over and over, but I'm so grateful.  For so many things.  I'm not a person that has anywhere near having everything circumstance wrapped up.  However gratitude has nothing to do with this.  It is a spirit of thankfulness.  I don't know but I believe it begets positive energy.  I believe it draws people to us.  People want to be near someone with a bright spirit.  I have a picture on my old iPhone and I have a purple aura.  I think that is awesome.  It is a double aura.  Whatever that may mean.  I know that there are just times when I burst with brightness.  Like yesterday and now.  I can literally feel changes on the horizon.  Change is such a gift.  Our lives are such gift.  If only we could share the wealth with others, let our spirits touch others.  Brighten someone else's day.  Be the beauty you want to see in the world, lest it not happen!  It must originate from somewhere.  Let your kindness be the difference in someones day.  Simple gestures mean a lot.   You be the propelling force behind someone going home and thinking - today was different.   

Monday, December 3, 2012

A difficult Day.....an then some.


I had one today.  I made a discovery since yesterday - last night actually.  I had gone to see my Mom in the nursing home.  When I head that way, I usually go and see my best friend right afterwards.  Now, I've been struggling these past few weeks.  I did not know what was wrong, I just knew internally I had not been feeling like myself.  My motivation has been greatly lacking, and my attitude has been really headed south.  I've felt sad one moment and rather void of feeling another.  I'm usually very bubbly, and full of energy.  I get more done that most, especially with having chronic pain.  People are amazed that I handle my medicine (pain) and my pain as well as I do.  I just figure we got one stab at this life deal, and I had better do with it, what I can - pain or not.  However, these last few weeks - I've been  on an emotional roller-coaster that's headed to la la land.  

I've been having problems with memory.  I think my brain is actually either really messed up from all of the drugs that I've done, or there is seriously something wrong.  I had told my psychiatrist - that I just cannot remember things, and things that I need to remember.  It is extremely frustrating and it was making me very upset.  Well, after several months of complaining, she put me on a new med to help with cognition.  

At first all seemed a go.  I was remembering things and doing well.  I had a few side affects, but it seemed to be getting better.  I had a few angry moments and took it out on my dog - (no I was not abusive to my dog) mostly just cranky about going out so much.  This seemed to subside about week three.  Then however, I started the, "who am I", tract.  Those that do read, have read.  I really thought I was doing better --- so much for  my thinking!!  

My friends last night asked me what was wrong with me.  I did not realize it was 'visible'.  I guess I looked different, and my demeanor was off.  When you've known people for 30+ years, it's kind of hard to be someone other than who you're supposed to be... thank God.  All I knew was I'd really been having a hard time.  I had not actually put two and two together.  I had been pleased that I could remember things, and was more focused - but I knew that I'd not been wanting to do certain things that I normally do.  I'd not been addressing issues that I normally take care of right away, and I'd been letting things go around here.  I have unopened mail, and my apartment is in disarray.  My mood is pretty awful when I think about it and I actually flipped someone off this morning -- and this isn't me.  I had a very difficult internal battle with myself this morning about going in to volunteer and I love going there.  Then when I got there, I got angry.  Further proof that this med's gotta go.  I'm not an angry person.

I've not been praying like I usually do - nor reading my bible.  I don't feel connected spiritually - at ALL.  I tried to pray yesterday on the way to see my Mom - and it was like I was talking to a door knob.  It isn't Jesus that has changed, by the way - it's Gina.  

So, I drove out to the psych office and made an appointment and I cut the dose in half tonight.  I'll be my bubbly self again in no time.  These things take time, but at least I know what is going on now.  The headache will go away (side-affect) - and I'll feel better soon.  I just will have to adjust to taking note pads with me, and using my Evernote application on my phone.  I guess my mind or the lack there of -- the memory is a consequence of my addiction?  I don't know.  I don't know what is the cause of my memory loss.  Sometimes we have to surrender to not  knowing why or what's the cause and just deal with it.  I don't think I'll be trying anymore medications any time soon after this fiasco.  

I was thinking today after putting in a long day of volunteering - sometimes less is more.  Sometimes leaving things alone is better than trying to fix them, and acceptance is the key.  I couldn't get my mind around not being able to remember my past, but perhaps there's a reason in God's world for it.  I have tempted fate now, and I have the consequences for it.  I have to wade through what this med has put me through because I did not accept my life as it is.  I've even had feelings like people didn't want me around - those old feeling of depression - that I really dislike.  The one's where you know that it's you an your magical magnifying mind... but you still have the feeling.  There is no reason for it, but it still exists.  

I can't wait to feel better.  However, I have to wait.  I have to wade through these next few weeks, and deal with what I go through.  At least, I am aware.  Awareness is the beginning of everything.  We cannot deal with anything if we aren't even aware.  My friends gave me that last night.  I knew something was off - but I wasn't certain what.  Now I know.  What a gift.  Friendship is always a gift.  Awareness is a gift.  Life is a gift.  May we all live it to our fullest potential.  I had a difficult few days, and a bumpy day today.  Hey, I'm on the upswing now.  I got a lot done today.  Productivity, marked by positivity and attitude is priceless.  Pair all of these things with gratitude and you've got a really good life.  It is all in how we see it, what pair of glasses we put on.  Our primary perspective.  If one chooses to look for miracles, there everywhere.  Just like stars at night.  Difficulties become opportunities to grow.      

Sunday, December 2, 2012

The only way out

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sAdSKK9lUEY&feature=share&list=PLtLO2NaPK96ltyqF6RVMg7mLtlb9htyyy

I made a video yesterday.  My first - because there wasn't one of it on youtube.  It's the song 'Revolutionize Your Soul' that I wrote about prior.  I am a little proud of myself, my very first iMovie.  I am not a movie maker!  Right.  But I set out to do something and actually accomplished it, so what the heck, accolades.  It isn't great, the order of the images isn't right, but they're there.  I love this song.  I'm a soul person.  To the bone.

I had a difficult day yesterday.  I was hit with something I had to digest.  Thus is why I did not write.  I'd like to say that I handled it perfectly, but I did not.  I may have a few answers inside of me, but my circumstances right now are less than perfect.  It was a family matter - what little I have, and it hurt me. There was little that I could do about it, other than I did, and even when I did respond, I got no response.  So I did what I have done in the past, I went shopping.  I know that this is not the answer -- however it was 8 p.m. and I'd been alone all day - two phone calls but no access to people.  I still have few (very few) friends here.  I have colleagues, but not what one would call friends.  My friends live away from here.  An I'm sorry, but even though we can explain our circumstances to others, no one knows our experiences like ourselves.  I'm very aware that I need people.  I just don't know where to get them.  It isn't as if one goes to the store and picks out a few.  If that were the case, I would not be alone.

It's interesting to watch my behavior, to know what I shouldn't do - and do it anyway.  I knew full well when I went into my savings and peeled off that hundred - and headed to shop - that I was trying to fix what had happened today.  I knew it was an attempt to cure the loneliness.  The thing is too, that I know it won't work, not in the long run.  I know that the shopping is a temporary fix.  However, it worked for about two hours.  I wanted to go to a bar.  I knew this was not an option.  So, I picked the lesser of two evils.  I suppose in the long run of what could have transpired, I did the right thing.  I'm still not real happy with myself.

I know from past experience and as a clinician that emotional turmoil needs to be worked through.  The only way out of it, is through.  Now here I sit with a new outfit, and earrings and a mind that knows I could have handled it better.  I went with my lesser mind.  I waited, but I still 'reacted' to my feelings earlier in the day.  I reacted instead of responding to the circumstances.  I know better than this.

Even when we know we don't alway do the right thing.  I wonder if this is what makes us human?  I full well know that I am motivated purely by feelings sometimes.  I have tried and work on staying in control of them daily.  I am tremendously more in control of my feelings than I used to be.  I guess with most things, it is work in progress.  If I'd have had a friend to say, go to a movie with - or even just a cup of coffee - perhaps this wouldn't have happened.  Yet, it isn't the end of the world mind you, and I know it.  I just know that repeating this behavior isn't good for me.  I don't like repeating mistakes yet I do it.  Loneliness is awful. I'm not certain what is the cure.  When I venture outside, I end up shopping. It is, what seems like and endless cycle.

I know that God has plans for me.  I know that things are going to get better an that this circumstance is just temporary.  I have to believe this.  I've had times when people were blowing up my phone, but most just wanted to tell me their problems.  I since stopped this.  I'm not the world's therapist.  When it came time for me to share, no one had time.  I'd rather be alone that hear everyone's problems.  If this sounds harsh, I'm sorry.  Life is just too short.  I'm compassionate, but this is just not how friendship is supposed to work.  I will not just be people's sounding board, people's sponge.  This is not healthy for me.  Then I have to walk around with all of their junk.  I've had to leave behind a few like this.

What I encountered yesterday is a small matter to what I've gotten caught up in before.  I've spent thousands.  I did it then and did not care.  Well, I did, but it didn't matter.  So I know that there is progress.  I was an ill person then.  I was trying to fix a huge emotional wound at that time.  The problem is that I know how to fix this stuff.  I know what I need, it just is not available to me at this time.  I need people.  I don't know if I am supposed to (and I'm really answering my own question here) be leaning more upon God that people - is this the answer?  I suppose it is.  If it is the circumstance, then it is the reality.  Hmmm.  Light bulb moment there.  I need to seek God for the answers.  He is the ultimate authority.

I've known for sometime and have written that nothing from the outside will fix the inside.  God isn't an outside job.  I know that the only way out of emotional turmoil is through it.  I'm still in this identity crisis.  I'm still becoming.  I guess as long as we're breathing, we're becoming.  I had a friend from Minnesota tell me yesterday, "you're not alone", and I believe him.  I know if anyone will be there for me, he will.  Even at that distance.  He was my little saving grace yesterday.  He is so sweet - he is my Mr. fixit.

I've been all over the place this morning - when in all actuality I wanted to write about trusting your process.  I'm not trusting my own.  I suppose this is why I'm so scattered and uncomfortable.  I have days when I'm uncomfortable in my skin.  I think it's shedding.  I'm becoming.  It feels uncomfortable.  It is forcing me to trust what I don't know.  Believe what I cannot see.  The woman that I was, is no more and who I'm becoming isn't clear yet.  It is propelling me to trust God in a entirely new way.  I can do it, I just have to remember to breathe.  I have to remember that it doesn't have to be fixed..... by me.  I'm so independent.  It is almost a curse.  It causes me to force God out at times.  I don't like that part of myself.  I am not sure how to surrender this.  I'm going to have to think, and pray.

Excuse my ponderings.  My blog is usually much more focused.  I am in a flux.  I will arrive.  I do know that I can't buy the ending, I can't eat my way there, I can't sleep my way, nor drive to it.  It is going to have to be derived by the emotional variety - just like everything else.  I've somehow have to let go of 'who' I was, to become all that I can be.  This will include parts of the old me for she is still alive in me.  Her strength, her dignity, her fortitude, her integrity, and her grace.  The confidence is what I'm lacking.  The difficult part for me is where it is going to come from.  This source yet, I do not know.  Inner strength, perhaps.  I just have to get up and keep going, and pray.  Believe it possible.  Envision it.  Propel it into being.  The one thing that I am sure of is that the only way I'm going to get there is through this time.  One day I'll look back and think, 'wow, I remember that', and know I can add it to my arsenal of experiences.  I'll have become, that which I now do not know how.  I will know that the only way out of it was through it.  Through the pain, the struggle, the not knowing.  As my friend says, "more will be revealed."  And as A.A. says, "There is one that has all power, that one is God - may you find Him now."

Saturday, December 1, 2012

quote





Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, 
worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience
of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude. 
- Denis Waitley