Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Loneliness/Don't you need?

I know at this writing that there are others who understand how I feel at times.  That state of feeling completely, utterly alone in a world full of people.  The emptiness, the depression, the sadness of being that sinks to my soul.  The wondering, the searching -- the pain in the endless question, "will I be like this the rest of my life?"

I was lying in the tanning bed last night, it had been storming earlier, raining for the past few days two ... crying.  I know what I feel it a normal result of a lack of human contact - and a missing basic need.  Chances are, it's more than one.  Love and belonging.  It's a basic need.  Food, shelter,  I have those things, (praise God) however I lack people in my life.  I have no sisters, I'm not close (that's putting it nicely) with my brothers, and all other family is far away - and we don't interact much.  I have one or two very close friends, but they have full families, and busy schedules.  They don't know the life I lead.  Nor could they really ever relate, or imagine.

It's an emptiness despite my connection to God at times.  A longing for companionship even if it is just for conversation, and a cup of coffee.  It is so strong sometimes, it feels as if my soul splits in two.  I struggle with knowing if it is old pain surfacing, or the pain of being alone and the fear of it's continuing until death.  There are no promises anywhere that tell me I will partner, so the fear is real.

It's difficult.  It's devastating really.  Not only do I feel alone in reality - I feel alone in knowing my plight.  My friends don't understand my situation, and I wonder sometimes when two or more days go by and I don't hear from them, do they care?

Our experiences on this earth are our own.  I don't know if it's so much true that "we make our beds, now we have to lie in it," - this just seems rather harsh to me.  I didn't choose to have distant family - nor brothers that basically hate me.  I am not choosing to be alone.  Yet, I am.  I do believe that where ever we are in life, there's reason....  It's just that I've yet to discover what that is.  Why I feel like I'm dying inside sometimes, and the depression so vast - that I think the "other world," might be a better place.  Perhaps it would be more welcoming than this world.  This world is not welcoming.  At least, I've not found it to be - and I know as a christian, I'm not supposed to.

It isn't that I don't look inside for God at these times, but I hunger for human companionship.  Anyone would.  The hours I spend alone - seem endless.  I know that God is always there, I know this through my faith.  There just are those times, when I'm totally and fully human - despite who I am supposed to be in Christ.  I don't know what it is that I'm not doing ( and it isn't about that -- God doesn't need for me to do anything for my Salvation - Jesus did it all) or if I get into my head to much.  I just know that there is a need that I have, that's not being fulfilled.  One can't fix a loneliness need, alone.  I just don't see how.

I do make choices, I get busy, and I usually end up doing something -- but that feeling is still in my gut.  It's not the easiest in the world to explain either.  It propels me to do things to fill up that void.  People just don't understand the state of aloneness.  I know my friends don't.  How could they with children, husbands, and busy lives?  They don't have chronic pain, which disables me more some days than not - always grinding at my mind.  They don't have empty nests.  They aren't missing, well what 'seems' anything.  I realize that's how things look from the outside.  This is never a fair assumption.  However, depression - rides me like a merry-go-round.  It reminds me of what I don't have.  It reminds me of where my Dad is.  It tells me that this is a better place.  At least there would be people that love me there.  Not this round ball we live on, where people (most) could care less.

Forgive my negativity.  For depression has my breath.  People's singleness of  mind upsets my spirit.  I just think (and believe) that we are put on this earth to encourage each other.  Most are too busy.  Most can't be bothered.  I don't understand this.  I suppose it is just who I am.  I am the person who thinks about others.  This is why I blog my thoughts, just in case someone else might feel the things that I struggle with, and feel understood - or less alone.   It helps me clear out the cobwebs of my mind, granted - but my hope is that there is some universality in it.

So if you are alone, and depressed - know that what you feel is normal.  We're missing a need.  Don't allow other to tell you what you feel isn't valid.  Don't ever allow anyone to tell you, "you just need to get busy," - because that won't fix it.  Alone and busy - is still alone.  I shop -- and it isn't good.  I'm still trying to fill that hole in my gut.  The place where feeling like you belong lives.  The one my depression loves to eat me alive with.  It reminds me of all of my flaws, misgivings, and just how alone I really am.

I don't know what the solution is.  For once I don't actually know.  I've never claimed to know everything.  I know that when I draw nearer to God, I feel better - but I believe there's reason for these feelings.  I do believe that at some point, I won't always feel this way.  I've talked to  my pastor about this, and he tells me, it's quite human, what I feel.

Perhaps it's been the rain, or that I've been in more pain.  These days will pass, they usually do.  It's a full moon as well.  That moon will get me, every time.  The days will blend - I'll start school and meet some new people, maybe someone lonesome like me.  I know my Father (in Heaven) knows my need. I know when the time is right - His timing, this need will be met.  I just have to keep my faith, feel the feelings as they come, and keep going.  God is the supplier of our needs.  I know this.  I'm just human.  I have days where I feel like Eve without Adam.  I feel like there was no Adam created.  It's my doubting mind.  It's my depression.  I don't like that I feel this way - but I do.  There are people out there that care, they just have their limitations, and can't fix what is causing pain inside of me.  I have to do that.  Well, me and God.  My day will come - and what a glorious one it will be.  

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Closer to Divine

I adore this song.  I adore these women.  I saw them in Minneapolis in the 90's.  Listening to them brings back precious memories of times that were so fresh and free.  

As this song says, "The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine."  How true that is.  

I've been at such unrest lately.  Struggling to figure out the why's and where fore's.  I know that everything we go through in life has reason -- and lesson.  However, I also know that sometimes it just takes time and quiet for the answers to come.  It seems the harder I dig, the more disquiet I become.  I grow farther from God.  I cannot hear His voice, and it is His voice that I want to hear.  

I don't know what it is about the human mind, that relies upon itself.  Where we get that we have to do this life thing on our own.  It actually takes work, a steady practice to keep God in my life.  I don't admit that easily.  I guess that comes from an analytical mind.  A 'figure it out, fix it, and move on' type of being.  Independence, one might say -- but I don't want to rely on my own understanding -- for  my way of doing things usually gets me into trouble.  It has not been but for God that my life has dramatically turned around.  I pay complete homage to that. My Creator has intervened drastically and I am completely, utterly, grateful.  

People come, and people go - they leave marks upon our lives.  I don't loose people easily.  I'm just not made that way.  I am a very loyal person.  My friendships are forged usually for life.  It disquiets my soul to loose someone - even if they are toxic.  I give a person every benefit of doubt - until it harms me in some manner.  I must admit, it is still hard for me to let it go.  I guess I am just one of those few who believes we are to lay down our lives for our friends, and that people are basically good - despite their demons.  I see people's potential.  It's just inbred in me.  It causes me to second guess myself many times.  This is where I go astray from my intuition.  Besides that -- there is the fact that we are to treat others AS we would like to be treated -- not how they treat us.  My ego gets in the way of that one.  

Taking care of yourself is not easy.  Especially your emotionality.  The drive for self protection is there, but the mind can sometimes be weak, as well as the heart.  We can have feelings for the persons involved.  I vacillate between my head and heart for answers for what to do gracefully.  For being a creature of integrity, grace, and humility are things that I aspire greatly.  It makes choices in behavior difficult at times, depending upon how one is treated.  When I do choose to sever the relationship - it leaves a residue on my life.  

Coming home to God - we always have the ability to come back to the arms of our Savior.  Whether we've distanced ourselves via mind, body, or spirit, -- we've been the one that's distanced.  He was there all the time.  Nothing, absolutely nothing, can separate us from God's love --  much unlike what I'd been told in my youth.  How precious this information is to me. How safe it makes me feel, and how freeing.  

It took me a long time to understand that God already knows me.  He already knows what I'm going to do.  He is standing at the end of my life, and is waiting for me.  So the "cringing",  the 'oh my gosh,' that I do over my silly behavior, isn't necessary.  God already knew I was going to do it.  His embrace is so complete, so beyond my comprehension - that it allows me to not be so difficult with myself.  He made me the way that I am.... every hair, every mole, every freckle.  Nothing that I do surprises Him.  He is male and female - for he created both -- set the stars in the sky -- and brought forth life.  He loves like we cannot even Fathom.  While we were yet sinners, He loved us.  I'm not talking religion - but relationship with Him.  I don't do religion.  That's man's rules.  He loves us so much that He gave His only Son to us that we might have life- and have it more abundantly.  Abundance, peace, and love.  Not discord, disharmony - and disquiet.  That I bring on myself.  His love brings perfect peace.  Peace that is beyond comprehension.  Beyond circumstances.  I forget this sometimes -- until I begin to reach out to another.  It is through my kindness that I find God.  

Yesterday's blog was not kind.  My mind has been ablaze.  I've been searching for answers to questions that I cannot answer.  God touched my shoulder this morning.  He reminded me where true peace lies.  The searching has stopped.  I don't know where the obstacles come from, but it doesn't matter. I know what I need to do now.  Staying centered is a choice.  One that  must be made everyday.  Listening, discerning - and being in commune with God.  Much of what happened to me would not have happened if I had been centered.  Sometimes we just have to keep relearning lessons.  The teacher will keep returning until we do.   

Monday, July 22, 2013

Ramblings of an unquiet mind........

I've been trying to settle my mind enough to write for the last three days.  I have so much in my head.  I've not written in so long - several things have transpired - job loss, relationships, emotional turmoil, beginnings, and endings.  I've ran into toxic people.  You know the kind.  The ones that either make you want to cut you're own throat, or theirs.  I've done some things 'unbecoming' of myself.   Nothing drastic, but things that I wrestle with in my spirit today, and yesterday.

I struggle with relationships that are difficult.  I am a creature of peace.  I do NOT like discord.  I avoid it at all cost.  It is not because I cannot take proper care of myself, but because I do have a dark side, just like everyone else.  Buttons get pushed, things get said that cannot be taken back - and there's inappropriate behavior at times.  I'm one of those persons too - that things don't always 'hit' me right away -- it might take me a minute or two to process it.  I'll catch it, but it might not be immediate.  This is a result of massive work- inner work that I've done to stop being so reactionary.  I used to be so emotionally reactive.  I owe that to God - and much prayer.  The only negative in this is that people get away with saying things to me that I needed to respond to right away - and I've conditioned myself so, I don't catch it emotionally that quickly.  I think I owe it to the peace that I live in.  My body will begin to respond afterwards.... in a big way.  Many times, by then it is too late.  The damage has already been done.  The wound already scabbed.  The mind ablaze.  This is the kind of toxicity  I've dealt with as of late.

When a person comes into your life, professing positivity, projections of motivation, promising affirmation -- and placing demands upon you --- run for the hills.  Especially if this person talks excessively.  I was wined, dined, and manipulated.  I was told who I was, and what I needed to do.  I was told all that I was capable of.  From a stand point of what looked positive - the boosting, the affirmations "you're amazing!!!" --- which was being said to everyone -  so it was a lie.  I say this because this person knew nothing about me.  Nothing, nada.  It was all about what I projected.  To top it all off, I kept being told what I was capable of.  My head was in a whirlwind.  A whirlwind until, I tried to tell him how I felt -- and I got, "where did that come from," and "this exhausts me!"  Interesting.  What a narcissist!!!  I'd ran into my Mother again, damn it!  A much bigger and more gregarious one at that.  When I did try and share my life, I got "get over it"......  Nothing, nothing, enrages me more that those three words.

 I am and live to be a compassionate creature, and I will not have persons with that mentality in my life.  We are all the collection of experiences of our lives.  There is no such category as "get over it."  It is the fabric of the quilt of my life, my story.  How dare a person say something so unfeeling, cold, and selfish as this.  This is a mentor?  This is a  unfeeling robot.  An ignorant (meaning lack of knowledge) one at that.

So - I've been perplexed, angry, and the deal is everyone things this guy is the bomb.  He puts on a grandiose  show.  Most unfeeling, uncaring, emotionless  robots do.  People will think what they want, and that is expected.  The part that enrages me is what is being said about this behind my back.  I don't know.... it was mentioned one day that I was acting a "little crazy."  That my 'filter' was dirty -- I'm far from crazy - or emotionally taunted.  I'm very cohesive.  Sharper than most.  I have baggage, but I manage it well, or I'd have not managed this situation as well as I did - because I'm not sharing it all.

What I wish to accomplish in this writing is for people to know your worth.  Listen to your gut.  Listen to the what your second nature is telling you - what ever you may call it.  Your body knows when you'd been wronged.  It doesn't matter how fast a person talks, nor how they try and tell you how messed up you are - don't listen to them.  If a person tells you to get over it, tell them to "go to hell."   No one has a right to tell you how long your emotional process takes.  Grief is without a timeline.  Emotional trauma is without a timeline.  Abuse is abuse.  Statements like that are abusive, as far as I'm concerned.  A statement like that doesn't come out of someone's mouth that gives a rip about you, nor your life.  Take heed.  They haven't touched their own pain, lest they wouldn't be afraid of yours.

I'll be much more careful in the male arena next time.  I'm a bit naive and trusting, but I learned something this time - wolves come in sheep's clothing.  An sometimes they profess positivity and light - but they're toxic.  Many things can affront a predator - in this day and age, one cannot be too careful.  People aren't always what they appear to be......