I was lying in the tanning bed last night, it had been storming earlier, raining for the past few days two ... crying. I know what I feel it a normal result of a lack of human contact - and a missing basic need. Chances are, it's more than one. Love and belonging. It's a basic need. Food, shelter, I have those things, (praise God) however I lack people in my life. I have no sisters, I'm not close (that's putting it nicely) with my brothers, and all other family is far away - and we don't interact much. I have one or two very close friends, but they have full families, and busy schedules. They don't know the life I lead. Nor could they really ever relate, or imagine.
It's an emptiness despite my connection to God at times. A longing for companionship even if it is just for conversation, and a cup of coffee. It is so strong sometimes, it feels as if my soul splits in two. I struggle with knowing if it is old pain surfacing, or the pain of being alone and the fear of it's continuing until death. There are no promises anywhere that tell me I will partner, so the fear is real.
It's difficult. It's devastating really. Not only do I feel alone in reality - I feel alone in knowing my plight. My friends don't understand my situation, and I wonder sometimes when two or more days go by and I don't hear from them, do they care?
Our experiences on this earth are our own. I don't know if it's so much true that "we make our beds, now we have to lie in it," - this just seems rather harsh to me. I didn't choose to have distant family - nor brothers that basically hate me. I am not choosing to be alone. Yet, I am. I do believe that where ever we are in life, there's reason.... It's just that I've yet to discover what that is. Why I feel like I'm dying inside sometimes, and the depression so vast - that I think the "other world," might be a better place. Perhaps it would be more welcoming than this world. This world is not welcoming. At least, I've not found it to be - and I know as a christian, I'm not supposed to.
It isn't that I don't look inside for God at these times, but I hunger for human companionship. Anyone would. The hours I spend alone - seem endless. I know that God is always there, I know this through my faith. There just are those times, when I'm totally and fully human - despite who I am supposed to be in Christ. I don't know what it is that I'm not doing ( and it isn't about that -- God doesn't need for me to do anything for my Salvation - Jesus did it all) or if I get into my head to much. I just know that there is a need that I have, that's not being fulfilled. One can't fix a loneliness need, alone. I just don't see how.
I do make choices, I get busy, and I usually end up doing something -- but that feeling is still in my gut. It's not the easiest in the world to explain either. It propels me to do things to fill up that void. People just don't understand the state of aloneness. I know my friends don't. How could they with children, husbands, and busy lives? They don't have chronic pain, which disables me more some days than not - always grinding at my mind. They don't have empty nests. They aren't missing, well what 'seems' anything. I realize that's how things look from the outside. This is never a fair assumption. However, depression - rides me like a merry-go-round. It reminds me of what I don't have. It reminds me of where my Dad is. It tells me that this is a better place. At least there would be people that love me there. Not this round ball we live on, where people (most) could care less.
Forgive my negativity. For depression has my breath. People's singleness of mind upsets my spirit. I just think (and believe) that we are put on this earth to encourage each other. Most are too busy. Most can't be bothered. I don't understand this. I suppose it is just who I am. I am the person who thinks about others. This is why I blog my thoughts, just in case someone else might feel the things that I struggle with, and feel understood - or less alone. It helps me clear out the cobwebs of my mind, granted - but my hope is that there is some universality in it.
So if you are alone, and depressed - know that what you feel is normal. We're missing a need. Don't allow other to tell you what you feel isn't valid. Don't ever allow anyone to tell you, "you just need to get busy," - because that won't fix it. Alone and busy - is still alone. I shop -- and it isn't good. I'm still trying to fill that hole in my gut. The place where feeling like you belong lives. The one my depression loves to eat me alive with. It reminds me of all of my flaws, misgivings, and just how alone I really am.
I don't know what the solution is. For once I don't actually know. I've never claimed to know everything. I know that when I draw nearer to God, I feel better - but I believe there's reason for these feelings. I do believe that at some point, I won't always feel this way. I've talked to my pastor about this, and he tells me, it's quite human, what I feel.
Perhaps it's been the rain, or that I've been in more pain. These days will pass, they usually do. It's a full moon as well. That moon will get me, every time. The days will blend - I'll start school and meet some new people, maybe someone lonesome like me. I know my Father (in Heaven) knows my need. I know when the time is right - His timing, this need will be met. I just have to keep my faith, feel the feelings as they come, and keep going. God is the supplier of our needs. I know this. I'm just human. I have days where I feel like Eve without Adam. I feel like there was no Adam created. It's my doubting mind. It's my depression. I don't like that I feel this way - but I do. There are people out there that care, they just have their limitations, and can't fix what is causing pain inside of me. I have to do that. Well, me and God. My day will come - and what a glorious one it will be.
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