Sunday, September 15, 2013

Finding hope in a narcissistic world.

I am infinitely aware of humans need  for self focus.  Try and start a conversation with someone and see where it ends up.  There is little give and take of information any longer - just try a little experiment with some one you 'sort of know' and see where it ends up.  I can nearly promise you it will end up on their story - their life, their worlds view.  Even if you started to tell them something important, or were a little upset.  We've become a generation of "Oh I have to tell you about me!!!"  And, "what was is again you were saying?"...  If that even enters their minds.  I don't think that I'm the only person on the universe that is burdened by these vampires.  That's what they do.  They suck the blood out of you and leave you bleeding.  I met a new one just recently.  I'd been hearing her details --- for a few weeks, and I needed someone to talk to badly, yesterday.  I did not get what I thought I'd get.  Or  I did get what I guess I usually do?  

Don't ever become a counselor and think that people will treat you like a regular friend.  It just won't happen.  They have alterer motives.   They're going to spill their guts, and hope you've got advice.  Even when you are in a t-shirt and raggedy shorts.  You are supposed to be on call 24-7.   I did not sign up for this --.  It seems it has altered every friendship I have but maybe, two.  However, people have always told me their whole life story, since I can remember.  I used to think it a incredible honor -- and at times it is.  Yet, there are times when I need a friend too, and most folks don't respect, nor care.  This makes me angry.  

It serves me no purpose to get angry, we live in a society that does not give a second thought to it's neighbor - probably  doesn't even know them.  And more than likely, doesn't want to.  This I find very disconcerting.  Simply, very, very, sad.  

The world has evolved so much that we think we don't need each other anymore.  I think it's mostly because of technology.  We have our phones, iPad, lap-tops, etc.  The machines have become what we depend upon.  It takes a tragedy for us to see that these things are temporal.    And it makes me wonder how God sees it.  If it, like so may other things that separate us, hurts Him?  He created us to work together.... and as our society has developed throughout time - we've managed to ease God out and machines in.  Are we better for it?  I think we like kids with new toys, fascinated, dumbfounded even - and driven further and further into ourselves.  Time is taken away from child rearing - friends don't meet face to face.  There's now "snap shot", where you take a photo of yourself that disappears in seconds, while you chat.... that has some parents highly concerned.  They talk to strangers, when there's a kid down the block that needs a friend. 

All of these things separate us and it makes me wonder, where is the Ark?  Or what ever means it is that is going to save this world.  I can help but think of it.  As we are driven farther and farther into ourselves and away from each other ... where does the God within us go?  It's certainly not producing any vines.  We no longer need Him as our Shepherd - there aren't any flocks.  Just single sheep.  An given, this is my world view.  

I just know that I'm a single person whom struggles with making any kind of new friend, for some reason.  I thought we were social animals (to coin a phrase) - but I'm not seeing it.  We're more like separate entities.  I don't understand it.  I guess I never will.  I don't see it changing much other than to just get worse.  This coming from a generally hope filled, inspired person - is not a good thing.

There is  no fellowship.  If you're not a part of a subculture, try and get in.  It's nearly impossible.  We've (well I did not, I have no children) raise a 'me' generation - and this is the result.  It's only going to get worse.  This makes me very sad.  And I don't have any answers.  I will rely on that which I know to be true, God.  It isn't what He intended, I will tell you that. 

It does however, make me ever so grateful for the people that are in my life, be them few.  I'm grateful that I am not the kind of person that is completely wrapped up in my own problems.  The most heart wrenching  factors in all of this is that we've stopped helping each other.  We've stopped being mankind.  There's a reason those two words are together!  Kindness, generosity, and altruism seems to be a thing of the past.  This is why when someone does something nice we hear it on the news, it happens so rarely.  Sure people open doors, and you'll get an occasional hello - but I'm talking deeper here.  Much deeper.  It's like you break a social norm when you're kind now a days.  I find that scary.  I would imagine, God does too.  

We are the only ones that can change this.  As hard as it might be -- learn to listen.  Learn to be comfortable with other people's pain. So what if you don't have the answers, none of us do. Know that we all are hurting- all of us in some way despite how we look on the outside, what we drive, where we live, and how many gadgets we have.  I'd say the more stuff, the greater the hurt.  You might just be surprised how badly some folks are hurting.  And you might just find out that you aren't alone in your suffering.  This is what God intended, why He gave us each other -  for us to help each other.  There's a little bit (or a BIG bit) of God in all of us.  He is there for a reason and if we yielded to His spirit of kindness, the world would be a better place.  

You are not alone, it just feels that way.  Reach to those you know you can find comfort, and treasure them with all of your heart.  Never let them go.  Tell them what they mean to you - and often.  People need, basic needs of 1) shelter.  2) food.  3) love and belonging.  Don't ever let anyone tell you that you are not whole because you have these needs.  I have a God that loves me more than I can ever fathom - it is that it is based in faith and I waiver at times.  I'm human.  I need other people, He designed us this way.  I'll get through this just like I've gotten through all the other difficult times in my life.  There is a reason I'm going through it.  I don't have to like it, but it would sure be nice to have someone to share it with - besides a machine.  But hey, I'm grateful for that too.  Maybe someone, will be enlightened, feel less alone, or inspired.   I can only hope.  

Saturday, September 7, 2013


I've been ill again.  I've had two UTI's and passed three or four kidney stones.  I thought for a moment that I was going to have to go to the hospital.  Most would have - but I have an extremely high pain tolerance.  It's either that or I'm just plain nuts.  I don't know which.  

I haven't figured out why I continue to become ill - I actually think I have a suppressed immune system.  I think, albeit the doctors cannot find, an autoimmune disease.  I suppose this is a good thing.  However, not knowing what is wrong, I continue to suffer from it.  It weakens (being sick all the time) the spirit, and wears on the mind.... tremendously.  It makes it very hard to stay on top of my studies.  I was able to finish a paper that is due, and I am grateful for that.  

After living life as a disabled person, where all that you have is time -- basically to do whatever you like; I'm finding study a hard application.  Most would say, "you've been ill Gina,"which is true, but life goes on...  Assignments are still due.  Reading must still be done.  I've found it difficult even when I've not felt ill.  This is more a matter of procrastination.  I've picked up some very bad habits in this life of leisure.  

I was reading my morning meditation books today, and having my time with God.  One of the things that I've greatly struggled with is in seeing God/Jesus as my Father.  I've since began to overcome this.  I have a note to self in the bathroom that says "Daughter."  It changes everything!  If one studies the bible, and understands the lineage of Christ - and what it means when we accept Him - we become a part of His family.  Our DNA is is changed.  What the bible says we are, we are - and what is says we have, we have.  If one believes.  I personally do.  This means that I am to conduct myself as such in the world.  This includes discipline.  It isn't just about faith anymore - although without faith it is impossible to please Him -- but it is now about character.  I've always aspired to have or be a person of integrity.  This was instilled in me as a child.  The one time I was punished, was for breaking a promise.  Obviously, it made its mark.  I hurt my Father, and I will never forget it.  I actually ended up having even worse consequences than the discipline - which is what I think my father knew would transpire.  He tried to protect me from this.  I was contumacious - willingly disobedient.  

I have been willingly disobedient quite a lot of my life.  It has brought great consequences.  I cannot say that my addiction problems were a matter of disobedience - for I know unequivocally that I had no choice while I was in the midst of that.  However, there were times, when I knew that I was doing the wrong thing.  It's an odd malady, to throw caution to the wind.  It's like a tornado.  Usually - all hell breaks loose.  I'm so grateful that I do not live that life today.  Yet, it has hindered my growth, and stunted my progress.  It brings on the "shoulds."

I still do not have the kind nor strength of faith that I'd like to have.  I'd like to have the kind that moves mountains.  That takes great discipline.  I am learning, growing, and discovering through God's wisdom - not my own.  For in all actuality my wisdom means little.  I want to be a woman with a heart of God - and with His understanding -- and I know that this is a tall order.  It will take me a lifetime.  Willingness is the key.  Willingness an discipline.  Self control and discernment.  It is actually not an easy endeavor.  Is there anything in life that is worth attaining, that means so much to us, that is?  No.  I believe all matters begin with our being honest with ourselves.  I think this a great truth.  

I have been considerably undisciplined.  This has to change.  Those of you that read my blog know that I view change as a gift.  Not everyone on this universe has the freedom to choose to change.  We do.  I consider it a privilege.  One of our many freedoms in this life.  I will overcome it, with faith, trust, and different behavior.  My Dad (God) would want me to....