Monday, March 24, 2014

Addiction, character defects, life.

Life is interesting at best.  Managing all the things that need managing is quite the chore.  If a person is able, or willing to admit the difficulty of the process.  And granted I realize that there's folks out there that don't even "get" that life is a process.  I can't really relate to that -but that's just me.  I have multiple levels of awareness going on at different times, and some tell me I'm eccentric.  Heck, I can catch that...  I know that the almighty mind has much more power over me than I really prefer - albeit I am a heart creature.  Balance that one out, it's a challenge personally - truly.

I've run into some defects of character since partnering.  It was inevitable - but disconcerting none the less.  It runs along the vein that I was sharing about a few days ago of there only being things that can be worked out when in relationship.  It wasn't as if I didn't know that I had defects.  Trust me, I've seen many an A.A. meeting and lengthy sobriety talks - and 5 5th steps... and so on.  I'm a deep dweller folks, I cannot help it.  I for the most part, know Gina.

I've however in the last few weeks, surprised myself a little.  I've been living alone so long that I've become so almost robotic.  I'm so used to things being the way I've done them, leaving things like I left it - expectations..... yuck.  The thing about it is it isn't really over anything that matters that much.  It's the things that I've made important to me, personal things.  This makes it harder - and when I ask for them, it's more emotional.  It is just so very interesting (for lack of a better word) how intricate relationships are -- and how deeply things are felt at times, and how different our perspectives can be.  We bring all of our past with us, and neither side has a clean slate to work with or almost a chance to be whom he or she is.  It's sort of sad.  How we do this to each other and don't even recognize that we do it.  Awareness is the key however.  This is where it has to begin!  Man this is all hard work, but it is work that is a hearts journey.

I've been accused of being brutal with the truth in my lifetime.  I know that I have the capacity to do this.  I know that I'm set in my ways and that I expect too much of others mostly because I expect a great deal out of myself.  Hey - I'm a lot better than I used to be... trust me.  I lack the ability to stay in the moment sometimes, and my brain goes haywire --- which I guess makes me the equivalent of a goofball at times.  Quirks.  I got um.  They really get bad under stress too.  Man have we had the stress.  Even good stress is just that to the body --- stress.  An then we got sick.  Of course.

Hopefully all is on the upswing now, if I could just sleep.  No such luck last night.  It's okay, it breeds thought.  Life is good, stressful at times, but good.

Character defects, I don't know anyone that likes theirs.  Mine are truly pretty nasty.  Getting in touch with our inner negative voices usually is not a task that most take on gleefully.  It takes courage and fortitude.  One must have a belief in something greater than they are that they believe in to see them through.  If one truly does face introspection with the negative characteristics of themselves, one needs gentle support and strong foundation - personal strength.  It is not an easy endeavor.  It is however, extremely rewarding - this I tell you from personal experience.  On cannot but come out a changed being, when facing one's darkness.  One needs to but introduce the light into the dark.  Find the positive in the negative, and turn the defect into an asset.  Derive the source of the pain/motive behind the defect and walk through the pain.  Defects are always about pain.  Ironically - most things that impact us in life are about pain.  It's a game changer.

I don't think true change can come without pain.  We have to loose something in order to gain, truly.  It is only through the loss that opens the space for acceptance to the new.  It's that balance in life.  Acceptance, surrender, birth, death..... all of the emotional shifts that take place between the head and the heart, the wonder of our lives if we but allow.  Some choose not to feel because of the dread of pain...but man what they are missing in the long run.  An entire orchestra of emotions....  some so beautiful one cannot even describe.  Life.  How blessed we are, how abundant our lives are without one single possession.

I've kind of been all over in this blog.  I just went where my head and heart took me.  I write the best (I guess) when I do this.  Yes, I have quirks, and yes I do search myself for answers.  Most of the time when I look I find answers.  I guess I'm just an answer finding kind of gal.  I like that about myself.   I fight for the most part, most of my days to stay up and keep going.  Some days I succeed - some I don't.  I try to let life flow... and find a balance.  It really is all about balance.  Peace is always about balance.  This will always be what I seek, regardless of what kind of issues are going on, is peace.

One needs to have peace as their goal when doing emotional work.  Make time for it - in the intricacies of the work, take pause for a peaceful reprieve.  Emotional work is never easy - I avoided it for years with anything and everything inside and outside myself.  Mostly things that I ingested, bought or sought after in my addiction.  I did not want to feel, didn't like it and avoided it at all cost.  My life was like a run away train - headed for disaster.  I hit bottom three different times avoiding life.  That and all the insane behavior of a typical drug induced maniac.  Life was horrible... but the fight becomes the life.  It took for me to loose my dad to really get a grip on my life.  I finally woke up - denial is a horrible malady.  It is so thick a veil... to the alcoholic/addict.  People don't even realize.  Oh, they realize but it seems so impossible that a person so transparent can be so deluded!  But we are!!!! What most people cannot see is that this is the brain's way of protecting it's supply of it's favorite serotonin boosting chemical!  Whatever the chemical may be - even alcohol - the brain gets a pay off.  Denial is there for a reason.  It's a protection mechanism for the disease.  Plain and simple.  The addict/alcoholic isn't just being stubborn or stupid - they actually believe what they are telling you.

I guess I kind of got off the beaten path there... oh well.  I suppose on some level for someone, that needed to be said.  I've let my mind take me in this one.  I hope that in some of what I write about my addiction history that it will help someone.  So often I've heard from spouses of alcoholics/addicts, "If you loved me, you would stop!" This just has nothing to do with the disease.  It has nothing to do with a choice -- and that is what you're asking.  It has nothing to do with love and that's what you're comparing it to.  Addiction is a compulsion - if it were merely a thought before an action - which provides choice - it would not be an addiction.  Do addicts choose sometimes?  Sure - but sometimes we can't.   This is what most people don't understand.  Freedom of choice -- chemicals just do different things to us then they do the average person.  I believe they feel better to us.  We get higher, if you will.  I believe the receptor sites in my brain are different than a non-addict.  I believe that I'm "hardwired" to loose control.  That's just my silly belief - but mine none the less.

Hopefully this will speak to someone.  Do the emotional work.  Find somewhere inside that there is peace and cherish it -- hold on for dear life to it.  Love who you love, and love them big as you know how.  Most addicts are highly creative beings, we've had to be to obtain our drugs.  We do selfish things, and we're short sighed at times... some of us get well.  Don't allow anyone to hurt you on purpose... always remove yourself from that persons path.  What works best with a person that is addicted?  Intervention... of some kind.  They have to be removed from the environment.  I suggest professional help if the person is willing.  Willingness is the key to recovery.  Even the tinniest bit.  Recovery is hard - don't let anyone tell you different - it takes guts and glory.  It is as I say, difficult but not impossible.  Find something that you believe in and believe in it with all your heart.  It's all uphill from there.  I say that because it's a spiritual solution, always is.  Heart needs mending.  The mind has to be healed as well.  Rerouted - away from believing it's only solution is a way out -- which means more drugs.  Coping skills.  Most addicts are adept at manipulation, dishonesty, and aversion -- but being brutally honest?  Forget it.  They have to be taught how to be honest, and some of them, how to begin to be honest with themselves.  It's no simple feat.

I could go on but I won't -- I'm sure I lost several people by now.  I've been all over the place -- but have written as it's tumbled out of me.  I'm still working on myself, I do it everyday - and I stay conscious.  It's not the easiest way to live but it's rewarding.  Life is rich.  I'd much rather be alive and feel the bumps.....

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Love's strength & stretch.....

Love stretches us.  It can't but not.  There are just things, aspects of ourselves that can only be irradiated when we are in relationship with another person.  Nasty aspects of ourselves at that - bits of our personalities that we didn't even knew would rear their ugly heads...  They pop up while under stress, fatigue, and duress.  Something gets said, or crankiness sets in, and someone's feelings get hurt.  One or the other of you have let something leak our of the old stream of consciousness that just didn't need to be said -- you're filter didn't function properly.  You've said one of the things that you'd even get on to yourself for thinking... and holy moly - it actually came out of your mouth.  Ah crap, now you've done it.  You've hurt someone that you love.

Heidi and I both have illnesses.  This makes it difficult to be or have the ability to have a consistent life.  When I feel okay - she might not.  I have chronic pain and assorted oddities.... Heidi has Lupus and problems with both knee's.  We have our hands full... but one thing that we have is compassion for each others malady.  I however am a pusher -- with the pain I've just had to learn to keep going despite it and if I absolutely cannot - then I can't.  Heidi on the other hand, has to reserve her energy as to not become or stay ill.  We're different people in this aspect.  She can't push, pushing makes her sick.

When we encounter anything that is totally different from our everyday reality - we reject it.  Right off the bat.  "Don't like that."  "That's not how it's supposed to be done."  A denial of sorts sets in as we attempt to deal with the new, to assimilate it into our reality.  Sometimes if the change is too severe, we will have a cognitive response that is called 'cognitive dissonance.'  This is when the mind just totally cannot deal with the reality (consciousness) of the new information.... and flat rejects it.  It's sort of like (on a small scale) if you were to be on your merry way to work and encounter a new stop sign.  It would be totally out of place, and cause you to question it's purpose in this world.  If there wasn't need for it the last time that you drove through - what is it doing here now?  Sometimes things, new things just don't make sense.  To our programed minds anyway.  It can be this way with many things in life, on multiple scales if enough change is introduced into an individuals life.

Now, none of these things are negative, they just are.  Our minds are very peculiar things.  We like to think we're on autopilot and that we got it all covered, but there are times when the mind will have moments when it just will not process  new information.

Despite human frailty - despite flaws, cutting remarks - love prevails.  One has to look to the person and the circumstance.  We are a compilation of our past - even though we don't have to live in it.  Things take time - give yourselves time.  Know that if your partner has said something hurtful - if he or she is a good person - chances are they didn't mean it - and try and work through it.

There are going to be things that you are only going to workout with another person.  Aspects of your self that will only arise in relationships.  Know yourself enough to have a clue what those issues are.  Then when they rear their ugly heads, you won't be devastated.  You can give your partner a heads up.   It can get kind of hairy sometimes.... but love bears all things.  That isn't just a saying on a pillow.  I was raised with parents that stayed together for 50 years.... I don't commit easily nor on a whim.  Things need to be talked about with dignity and respect - like you love each other.  Be a person of word and deed.  Is it hard work?  Oh yeah.... you bet.  Has anything in your life that you really endeavored to attain easy?

Love expands us.  It's beautiful really.  Life looks different, feels different, is different.  Honor it - protect it, cherish it.  Fight for what you know and have passion in your heart for.  Never give up when you know beyond reason that the fire is alive, do everything that you can to keep it stoked.  Speak gently - love boldly.

Keep it and life Precious........................

Friday, March 7, 2014

Loving Humans.

It's been a long time since I've written.  Copious amounts of things have happened - unreal really - but then again, not to me.  When my journey hit the world, did it surprise or shock?  Those who knew me weren't blown over but still taken back a bit.

Life is about change, new possibilities, and opportunities.  I'd been in the state of mind that I'd been in for quite some time - and then added school.  That was okay -- hard sometimes but a risk, and an challenge that I needed.  Then fate hit my life.  It shook my foundation a bit, but also got me back face to face with another part of me too.  People don't understand same sex relationships -- and don't even try.  Their minds go immediately to what a person does sexually - and they personalize it, and don't even think - THINK that our relationships might (just might) be pretty damn normal, stable.......UH the same as heterosexual relationships.  It's sad, but hey that is what one has to deal with in the same sex community - and you live with all sorts of things... Judgement, damnation, hate, loss of friendships..... and I merely happen to love a human.  She just happens to be a woman.  I'm sorry if this upsets you - but I in no means, shape nor form am asking anyone else to love her..... I said that I did.

I've digressed, I apologize.  I've fallen in love.  I've fallen in love with Heidi Hunt.  A terrific, beautiful lady - that just dropped into  my life.  Nothing, absolutely - has been the same.  My friends are sort of freaked, but okay as long as I'm happy ---  and happy I am.  We've not been apart with exception of perhaps a few mere hours, since we laid eyes on each other.  That's a good thing.

Now I know that there are going to be those that will say - are you a christian?  Yes, Virginia - I still love, adore, the Lord Jesus Christ.  Some will take issue with this.  I tell you it's about love.  I love a human being.  Not a sin.  I still love the Lord God with all of  my heart, mind, and soul.  This will never change.  If you think I'm deluded, keep it to yourself - my beliefs are my beliefs.  I don't do religion - I do relationship and so does Heidi.  I do not, and absolutely refuse to believe that God loves me any less because I love Heidi.  That to me just does not make any kind of sense.

We are going to live life and see good and enjoy God's creation.  We both love Midland - and will continue to go.  I hope and pray that we're embraced, because Lord knows my heart is in that church.  I owe so much to the grace of God - and the freedom that I've gained, in heart - soul - and peace of mind.  I don't have to be a little christian solder any longer....... Jesus paid it all.  Letting Christ shine through me - being who I say that I am (in Christ) means the world to me.

We truly never know in this life from one moment to the next what life will bring.  I say be strong and of good courage anyway and wait patiently.  God knows the desires of your heart........ be of good cheer!  Help folks along with way - and take no credit.  Live your life from with that which sings from your heart.  Life will be filled with gratitude and you won't even be able to stop it.... as if you'd want to.  Life, soak it up.  This isn't a dressed rehearsal.  We got one shot at this deal, make it your own, and do it up good.  I've finally found my companion that I've been searching for - well for what seems forever.  That is about as close to a miracle as I've enjoyed in quite some time.

Heidi Hunt........................ I've met a lot of someone's  ~  But I've never met someone like you.....
Love you to the moon and back..........G.