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Showing posts from May, 2014

Anger/emotional pain

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I've allowed circumstances and people to escalate my emotions as of late.  I'm not proud of this - and every time that this happens, I'm remorseful.  I don't like that out of control feeling, it does not serve me well.  I have a temper.  I have a very bad temper.  I'm not proud of this either, nor the way that I react when under it's influence.  It is as if I become another person entirely.  The totality of my past hurts, devastations, and the like - rear their ugly heads.  All of the things that I have done everything in my power to heal my whole adult life, rages out of me.  And it is rage.  Anger on this level is powerful, and dangerous.  Dangerous because at a certain point - I no longer know what I'm going to do.  There is a fine line in which things get completely out of control.  

It's going to stop.  I'm not longer going to engage.  It's just that simple.  It's ungodly.  I think that people like to bring you to this place - and enjoy …

Painful Awakenings

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I love people.  I've loved people.  My friends have been my life - mostly because my family is broken.  That is the best way that I know how to put it.  It nearly broke me.  Some how I survived - and now I wonder to what end.... and I fully know that is just my emotional pain talking.  I am so hurt, devastated really - that I cannot full express myself.  
What I'm going through now is horrendous.  I don't want to get into the details, because I did that in my last blog.  The part that has broken my heart is my "so called" friends.  With exception of a few - it seems people can't be bothered.  I knew that people were mostly (and I'm putting that mildly) self consumed - but never in my  life would I have imagined to what end.  Thus, I realize the answer to all of this is acceptance - it isn't as if I don't understand the antidote.  I do - but what does one do with the pain that goes along with the process?  
We need each other.  That's just a fact…

Chaos living with lies....

This has been what my life has been for the last few weeks.  I made a huge mistake in trusting someone - and it's been a living nightmare.  I've been living with a liar.  I'm not sure why this happened, nor why this person has been  placed in my life - but it has been as challenging a time (with exception to my father passing) as I've ever been through.  The hard part being, I once thought that this person cared about me.  Man was I ever wrong.  It could not be more evident now - and the fact remains, that these types of individuals don't care about anyone, but themselves.  There isn't even any chance of communication, because everything is focused on the other person's needs.  When someone gets involved in a manner of two days after a break-up.... something is VERY wrong with this individual.  There is another agenda at play.  I would offer a guess -- but I don't want to be rude, nor sink to other's level.

I've had my character trashed, due to…

Reality...

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I think sleep must come for special people.  I've not been able to really sleep in years now.  I'm not certain if it's pain, an aging bladder, or what.  I just simply cannot sleep for more than two hours it seems at a time.  This makes functioning hard, on any level.  It's hard on memory - clarity and vision. It just makes everything take a little harder "push" to accomplish because it seems I'm always tired on some level, be it physically or mentally.  Lord help if it's both and I'm emotionally exhausted.  Usually the body will allow me to shut down then.

As per my last blog - loads of change in my life.  Today things are on an upswing.... all is not great, but options are opening up for me that weren't there prior.  As with anything else, these changes will create other problems - and I foresee them.  I accept the challenge and commit to overcoming the obstacles.  Really, what choice do I have?  And I realize that those reading have no ide…

Pebble Mine Project Endangers Bristol Bay, Alaska | Save BioGems

Pebble Mine Project Endangers Bristol Bay, Alaska | Save BioGems





This is tragic!  Please read... and do what your heart leans you to do.  Thanks.

Change, change and more change.....

Humans do odd things when faced with multiple changes.  Change produces stress in the body - both good and bad changes.  It affects the mind, the body and the spirit.  Trying to stay at peace while all of this is going on, is not easy.  The best way that I know how to stay centered is to take things slowly - one obstacle at a time.  Until three hit you.  Sometimes you have no choice but to deal with multiplicity - one then has to prioritize.  It's very intense at times.  I've had to teach myself how to respond to situations, verses react to them.  It took me many years and much prayer to do this.  I used to be very reactionary.  I made a lot of mistakes during that time, but I learned - and this is the key.  A mistake is not a mistake if we but learn from the experience.  Learning from the experience requires willingness - a willingness to look at our part in it, our behavior - thoughts and motivations.  

I guess my cathartic moment the other day was when I almost threw up.  …