Showing posts from 2015

Faith and Trust -- the transformation.

I'm at a presuppose in my life.  I'm completely at the jumping off juncture to either leap and fly or stand an stay.  Simply everything comes down to trust at this particular period of time in my life.  As those of you that read my blog know -- with my history - trust isn't the easiest thing in the world for me to harness.

It's very interesting that even when things go well in our lives, we wonder.  We wonder when the next shoe is going to drop.  Perhaps it is only I that feels this way - but when everything seems to line up just beautifully -- I sort of gasp.  Being the kind of person who's used to having been punished for doing the "right" thing -- I'm a bit uneasy even during good times.  There, I said it.  I know that isn't always the greatest thing to have to admit -- but I'm sorry with my background, lets face it - life has been very unstable.  However, I am actively learning to trust, to believe in people again, and the one thing that …

Faith and Fear

Life is so interesting.  How things evolve and change.  It never ceases to amaze me.  We hold on to ideals and concepts so tightly until life beats us to a pulp, teaching us that what we believed in so solidly was completely the opposite of what we believed.  However, it takes an earth shattering experience to change our thinking.  Do we have to be so hard pressed in our thinking?  I'm learning that no, no we don't.  Change doesn't have to be that hard.  And being open to new ideas and ways of thinking can be applied by a much easier method.

I have this problem with control.  I've had so much powerlessness in my life -- or at least this is what it seems like.  I've had things, events that have happened in life that I really didn't choose, but I did put myself in the environment.  So I had part to play.  I'm not totally innocent.  I try and own what's mine.  Nonetheless, I didn't know what happened was going to happen.  I'm no fortuneteller.  I …

Thinking about thinking.....

I actually wonder how many of us do this?  Are we aware that we have resistance to our forward thinking thoughts, our positive energy motivating behaviors, the new intentions that form in our minds?  We do!  It's that nagging voice that pops up and tells you why you can't or shouldn't do what you've just so wonderfully welcomed doing.  It's a instant lash of negative, a knife blade of death to the creative voice in your head.  Do you hear yourself thinking?  Do or have you ever even thought about it?

There are so many times that I just wish I could stop the thoughts that run through my head.  I can intercede upon them, but I've yet to conquer them.  Of course with anything, the first step is awareness... we have to stop and think about our thinking... we have to examine it.  Most people aren't comfortable with this.  It takes guts sometimes.  It really takes an enlightened person, one that can stand outside there own mind.  Yes there can be judgement, it&#…

Honesty with Self and a giving heart.

It's been some time since I've written.  Even though I'm on meds, depression has my creative voice.  I'm attempting to manage some unmanageable things -- go to therapy and emotionally deal with life the best way that I know how at this time.  Most days it seems that I don't feel, despite the fact that I try.  I detest this about medication, it makes life really seem like it's not worth living, especially when your a feelings based person such as I am.  Most of what I do feel is surrounded by negative self-worth and berating myself.  I know that this is the depression talking - and the voices of my past.  The  "old-tapes" if you will.  That triggers more depreciation because I wonder to myself if I'll ever break free of my past with my mother.  I suppose after 25+ years of therapy -- the answer might just be, uh, no.   It's okay - I know that I'm a much different person today than I've ever been, and I do catch myself when the negative…

The Pain of Becoming.

It seems like that no matter what age I reach I continue to run head on in to these precipices.  I cross these paths where I have to move forward yet I'm not quite sure how.  Some days I curse the fact that I'm such a deep dweller and the things that propel my mind.  What I'd give sometimes just to be able to shut it off, unplug, and take a respite from it.  Yet I cannot, or at least do not know how.  I suppose I really wouldn't have it another way in truth.  It is very taxing.  If only my head and my heart could converge.  Perhaps then my behavior would be in congruence.

I had my yearly evaluation yesterday and it's had me in a tailspin every since.  I've been up for hours after only sleeping a few.  The man that did the eval was very good and hit on some very valid points, things that I'd not considered -- but true of my life.  It boggles my mind that strangers can see things that we cannot even when we're willing.

I've written of my distant, c…

Pain, separation, grief, and grace.

I'm not the type of person that looses people well.  I just don't.  I guess none of us do, depending upon the relationship.  There's varying degrees of loss and it's affect on us.  We loose people in life, I suppose it just happens.  This does not make it any less painful, or easier to overcome.

As with anything it's in the perception.  As I was writing I thought to myself, unless it's a death, you don't really "loose" people, they are just in different places - and the relationship just changes or alters... but we still have to psychologically adapt.  This is where I've been, trying to adapt to such changes and it has been one devil of a road.  I thought I could handle it better, "thought" being the operative word here -- than what I actually did.  Sometimes people have such an impact upon us - that we do not actually realize the depth until they are no longer in our lives.  That has been the case with me.  It is so painful now that…

Medication madness.

I firmly consider myself to be a spiritual person.  If you've read my blog - you know that at one time in my life, I was very deeply into the grace movement.  Since my pastor moved, I've been struggling greatly and this doesn't say much for my faith.  Although I've had to learn the hard way that faith isn't about feelings --- I don't know if everyone gets that.  Faith is about believing, and living your life in accordance to that.  I'm not sure that this was how I was raised though.  But I digress.

I've been on three different medication changes in the last three months for depression and anxiety.  It makes for quite the difficulty in balance in one's life - emotionally, mentally, and physically.  If anyone had any doubt about whether or not these are serious issues, depression alone has cost me sleep (years of lost sleep) physical changes, mental stability, ability to eat food, vomiting, and uncharacteristic aggressiveness.  One feels like a slave…


People blow my mind.  The older that I get, and the longer that I live it seems as I let people into my life - they tear a path right through it.  They seems to have no qualms about ripping my emotions or my heart into screeds.  Perhaps it's the type of people that I meet, but I cannot figure out how it is that someone is to know a person is destructive prior to getting to know them.  Oh, of course there's little inclinations along the way - and this is my fault for not taking heed.  Perhaps this is why the world is so tightly nit, and shut down.  It's dangerous out there.

Let me back up.  When my pastor left for California - I was (putting it mildly) devastated.  After having been fed weekly and bi-weekly by one of the most beautiful grace preachers in all of my life, and to have that just taken away - I was not prepared.  I thought I could handle it.  'Thought' being the operative word.  I have not handled it well AT ALL.  I've had a deep sense of abandonmen…


Image  This link is to a color test that will give you an emotional and psychological assessment.  It was spot on for me.  Give it a shot!  It was very detailed  and quite interesting.   

Power.  It's an interesting concept.  It can spring from all kinds of sources.  I guess I don't feel like I've had much in my life ~ awe, at one time I suppose.  I've had to, being a person that has chronic pain, fibromyalgia  assorted oddities, addiction, childhood trauma, I suppose one could say my life has been mostly about recognizing my powerlessness verses finding power in my life.  Not to come off as some weak, sniffling, victim - because I'm far, far- from that.  I suppose what I'm attempting to communicate is that I've never been a person that's been power hungry.  I do know that type.  I've just been one to be mindful of the soul.  I'm a heart person.  I'm a spirit and a hope junkie.  My life has been about ge…

I miss friends

It's hard for me to admit when I struggle.  I'm not sure why.  Everyone struggles.

For me it is loneliness.  It is nearly impossible to make friends nowadays.  People are so distanced by phones, iPads, whatever the latest device.  It's like a coat of armor.  People carry them around like an impenetrable shield that protects them from real life.  At least this is how I see it and how it feels trying to get close to someone.  I've had the opportunity in the last few months to get somewhat close to a few people to only be disappointed once again.  I think these devices are mostly to blame.  They give us a false sense of security.  I mean it's a damn machine.... for crying out loud.

I feel much like a person so alone in this world, that I must be the only one.  Yet I know that this cannot be true.  I know that if I'm going through this, there must be others.  It's just how life works.  I see other people with all these people, family, and friends in their liv…

I am not alone.

I'm struggling still.  It is difficult too because it makes the pain that I have harder to manage -- and my anxiety has been through the roof.  As I attempt to learn and function at this new job, it feels impossible some days.  I vacillate between feeling like I'm going to get fired one day - to "maybe I got this", the next.  I'm just damned unstable at this particular time in my life -- and I abhor it.  The effects of the depression make everything harder --- EVERYTHING.  I'd just as soon give up - but it's just not in me.  Besides the fact that I'm no quitter.  I mean we don't really have that option, now do we?  I've never seen it listed!

                                                              1.  Keep going
                                                              2.  Give up

Thank God I haven't lost (completely) my sense of humor.....

I have many that wonder (or will) where my faith is at a time like this.  All I know to say…

Trials of this Life

I've been in a deep depression.  There's multiple factors - changing some medication and life events - the loss of my pastor and the month of May itself.  I don't attribute depressions ebb and flow to events, it is a condition one has alas, events can certainly affect it.  This has been the longest time that I've been unable to write.  I'm still not 100% however I feel the need to express myself.

Today is my Father's birthday.  He would have been 80.  I miss that man with every fiber of my being.  Having been his caregiver for eight years, we grew to be the strongest of confidants.  That period of time in my life is today, one of the most precious.  I treasure it like few know.  It afforded us time and opportunity to do and express everything that a father and daughter ever dream.  This time was also difficult for when I lost him, I lost a part of myself.  I never felt so vulnerable in the world for so long as I did when I lost my Dad.  It has taken me years t…

Dying light of the ego unveiling the presence of God.

I met Jesus again today.  I meet Him quite often these days.  It is a glorious, inexplicable encounter --- first brought on by deep feelings of separation and loneliness.  I actually had the thought today - 'who does God have to talk to?'

I ponder lots of things as I spend hours in my own mind.  I battle with this thought and that --- fighting off the ones that are negative and don't serve me.  I'm going through another preening process amidst some other changes, and man do I ever feel it.  Lots of tears today.  Tears are so healing.  The Holy Spirit revealed much to me this morning, as I made the gamut.

I began in that desolate place, that empty place that is so familiar ... where there is no one.  There is no one out there who knows what I go through, what I feel, how I ache, to be known.  A dark vast place that always comes up empty.  However today -  TODAY - I realized I don't belong in this place.  I never did.  It was the voices, that voice, my voice that p…

Boundless Hope

I watched a moving last night that has struck me so hard.  It is as if I can't move past the feeling that has resonated.  Nor do I want to.  It is an excellent feeling that I have - one of beauty and awe.  I have not felt like this I don't believe ever after watching a film.  I am deeply moved.  
I realize it was a motion picture.  Yet I cannot move past it.  It's shaken me that hard.  The movie is 'Seven Pounds', with Will Smith.  Smith is a man that seems to be fairly normal, an internal revenue man -- a daunting task by any means necessary.  He tracks down people that are behind (seriously) on there taxes.  At least this is what it seems. I'll not spoil it for you....  
What I am actually struck by is what this has driven up in my spirit.  It's awakened something inside my spirit man.  I've awakened to a urgency for what I don't know.  All I know is that I feel incredibly grateful for my life.  All of my experiences that have brought me to where I …

Through It All

Lots of idle time give one loads to think about.  I've battled a lot.  More than most (and I mean MOST).  Many tell me to write my story, but alas, I wouldn't even know where to begin.  I don't even remember my childhood.  I have huge gaps of time that I can't recall.

Pain has no memory.  Praise God.  Can you imagine what that would be like if it did?  We'd have horrific memories of such painful times.  I would, anyway.

My addiction has taken me down many roads.  I had many, many regrets.  Before I completely understood the Finished work of Jesus, I was full of shame and anguish over some of the places that my life had taken me in my use.  Now that isn't to say that I was a horrible person, because I was not - but for me, it was excruciatingly painful what I'd done to my family - my friends and the people that love me.  An then there is myself.  The times that I'd gone against my own values and honor.  I'm a very altruistic person, and a person o…