I'm ever aware that life, and myself, are a work in progress. I know too, that things take time. My Pastor teaches us that everything has a season, and that "my time has not yet come." I take these things to heart when I think of life, and my growth - and try and give myself a break. I make mistakes, and I hope that I learn from them, lest the just be mistakes.
Learning is something that I love. I love it even when it is hard, and it hurts. Most people don't, and I understand this, yet sometimes I push. I am not certain why I am this way. I explore my need for "rightness", my ego needs and the like. The best answer that I can attain is my inner thrust for need of truth. God has planted this inside of me, for God is Truth. Yet and still, He didn't place it inside of me, to hurt others with it. At this, I fail Him.
If I am anything, I am kind. Yet there is a brutal side to me. I detest this entity. This duality. It is akin to an evil twin. I think it comes from my childhood abuse, and that anger that is still inside me. I know that when we hurt, and don't have an outlet, we will hurt others. Especially when we see or sense injustice - we bewail. Or at least I do. I seem to be unable to let it lie. It eats at me like some lesion. Yet I know that what I cannot stand in another, I must face in myself. I do not particularly like this --- but it is in itself, truth. We project our hatred of self onto others. I don't necessarily know why this is true... but for me, I've found that is really is. It saddens me, and I find myself out of control with it. Ah, control, that nasty, nasty, bedevil of a tendency to want others to do what we want. How ridiculous is that? When we know (or should) that we all live in our own little dreams and visions... in our own self-centered manifestations of what life is. To think that we can get another person the see things the way we'd like, little alone be able to sway their behavior. Yet, we THINK... if we but try hard enough, it just might work. I'm as guilty as the next person.
Thinking. It isn't reality. It's just our thoughts. Just because we think it doesn't make it right. It doesn't make it part of the grand design. It reminds me of one of my favorite authors, Don Miguel Ruiz... He speaks of everyone having their own private dream. We all have them, whether or not they be of marriage, or career or of saving the world, but we all have them. We all walk around consumed with them. We share them with other people, and hope they have like minds. When they do, we declare, we have some things "in common." But the point being we all a self-centered lot.
I've been pretty self-centered lately. I really don't like it much. The beauty in the way that I think however is that I can do better. I know this. I know too, that all that I have to do is start where I am. I've been mean to a point trying to prove a point, and it's just not me. Well, I suppose if I've done it, it is me.
When a person really makes you mad, there is something to be learned from that person. There are aspects there that are true in the foundation of what is going on that are of yourself. Look underneath whatever it is that is bothering you about this person. We all have defects. We all have assets. We are a marvelous blending of the two. This is where grace and mercy come in. Give a little grace to that person, and have a little mercy. Realize that what is bothering you in that person is an aspect of an inner part of yourself, lest we forget we're all human.
I watched a Ted talk this morning about giving. It was all about a man that started a home for the developmentally disabled. It was entitled "living is giving." It was really good. It is true, the more you give, the more alive you feel. My work as a caregiver makes me feel good. It pushes me to be the best that I can be, and to really give of myself. It forces me to stretch myself in ways I never thought it would, and I grow in it everyday. One really has to become self-less to be a caregiver. It is good practice for me, and good growth. It helps me keep my ego in check most of the time, or at least it keeps it's needs right on the surface. As with anything, awareness is the foundation to change. If you cannot identify it, you cannot do a thing with it.
I've been angry with someone for their actions. Yet I've done some of the same things. It's not fair for me to keep judging their behavior. Again, we only see inside others what's already present inside ourselves. I call it "if you spot it, you got it", syndrome. So I need to stop, and start over. So what if what this person is doing isn't fair in my eyes? Who am I? Where do I come off thinking I wrote some kind of rule book? We all fall short of the Glory of God.
The awesome beauty of this life is we have the amazing grace of starting over each and everyday. We can change our minds and hearts, in an instant. It's just that simple. A shift in perception, and wham, a miracle happens. We see things, only differently. With new eyes. We don't have to grovel in yesterdays woes, or tomorrows what if's -- we can just be made new. It's often just a prayer away. Being present in the moment sometimes is all that it takes, and showing up for yourself. Be braver than you thought yourself capable. Be truer to you. Be honest and forthright - and let the newness soak in. Let it engulf you like sunshine on a cloudless day. Forgive yourself, make a commitment to begin again, all over again ...
and just start here.