I actually wonder how many of us do this? Are we aware that we have resistance to our forward thinking thoughts, our positive energy motivating behaviors, the new intentions that form in our minds? We do! It's that nagging voice that pops up and tells you why you can't or shouldn't do what you've just so wonderfully welcomed doing. It's a instant lash of negative, a knife blade of death to the creative voice in your head. Do you hear yourself thinking? Do or have you ever even thought about it?
There are so many times that I just wish I could stop the thoughts that run through my head. I can intercede upon them, but I've yet to conquer them. Of course with anything, the first step is awareness... we have to stop and think about our thinking... we have to examine it. Most people aren't comfortable with this. It takes guts sometimes. It really takes an enlightened person, one that can stand outside there own mind. Yes there can be judgement, it's difficult not to, but eventually (it's taken me years) there becomes an understanding that our thought patterns just are. It is within my power to correct and modify them, but I don't know that I can ever completely change the ebb of the original flow. This has led me now to Buddhism. I'm very interested in the culture, and the mindset. I like the compassionate way. I like the peaceful way. I realize that at 53 this might not be the easiest thing to try to incorporate into my life, but I've ordered a book called, "The Mind and The Way". I am very tired of living life vulnerable to life's little bumps and bruises, and being attached to this and that. It is not that I do not want to care. It is not this, at all. I want to care at a deep level, but I want to make the best of possible decisions for everyone involved. I want to be in my higher mind. I believe this is possible in great moments of peace.
Being attached to things emotionally is pretty much how we are wired. This is how we 'take things personally' - and have adverse reactions to events that happen in our lives, only to wish we'd responded differently later on. We just care about stuff. It's perfectly normal. However there is a state of being that removes that gut reaction. It doesn't come over night, and it takes practice as well as much thought. It will come natural after practice. I'm talking meditation and mindfulness. I used to meditate, I did so for three years. It changed my life. I don't know to this day why I stopped. Life is strange that way - and how we can just quit doing something that is producing excellent results in our lives. It completely transformed me from the inside out. I no longer reacted to things the same way in life, and evidentially I even looked a bit differently on the outside, according to friends. Attachments are like burdens, they weigh us down. We aren't really aware of it, until something happens. Then we get all bent out of shape. This is one of the single most telling ways to know that our attachments are out of sink.
I know that this is not going to be easy. I have new ideas all the time that I don't follow through with. I am very curious about this however and I have been most of my life. As my life gets more stressful and I'm handling is less productively -- this seems to be the best possible answer for me. As much as I detest becoming angry and blasting people, and as opposite as it is of who I earnestly am, this feels like more of a way of life for me. I am a very calm, collected, and at peace individual -- and it is up to me to make my insides mirror my outsides. I'm so tremendously tired of wearing the weight of my past, and I want to live in the present. At least as much as I can. I am in hopes that this discipline will hone the edges off my sometimes jagged life. This is my hope.
This doesn't intercede upon my relationship with Jesus Christ, in any size, shape, nor form. It for me is just a manner of living. I still and always will be a Christian first and foremost. Buddhism is for me a way to be a better Christian. A better human.
I am an avid watcher of Super Soul Sunday of the OWN channel of Oprah Winfrey's station. I love it. It is one of the most thought provoking programs on television. I soak it up like a little child on Sunday mornings. I watched reruns last Sunday and Thich Nhat Hanh was on her program. He is a very well know Buddhist monk, and he's written several books. I have one called, "Living Buddha, Living Christ". I'm just becoming familiar with it. It is inspiring, and quite deep. One has to think about their thinking, literally.
I think I've turned a corner with my depression, it feels that way. I so hope so and that my creative intelligence has returned. I hope that I once again can be captain of this ship instead of being a captive. It is so much more refreshing. It feels much less like being stuck in a mire of incidental life, where you have very little control over what happens to you because you don't have the creative energy nor the energy period. My fibro is bad enough and what it does to my brain. Being a prisoner to the depression is hell on earth. It is a gift to be able to write, even if no one reads it. It is a passion that I have, that allows me to indulge my higher thought life through a larger vision. If that makes any sort of sense for anyone. I get to think about my thinking. I hope I'm on a shift change here.... one with truly lasting value. I know that it will challenge me. Everything worth having really does -- if it's worth anything of value in your life. I guess as most of us do I'm still searching for meaning at 50+. There is nothing wrong with this. Being the kind of person with few personal relationships, no real family-- I have to work harder than most to feel alive. It's either that or be busy feeling alone. I don't want to feel alone. I've done plenty of that. It's time to get busy with the business of life.
God bless, and constant grace..... may you find your way of peace and internal bliss in everyday life.
Friday, September 18, 2015
It's been some time since I've written. Even though I'm on meds, depression has my creative voice. I'm attempting to manage some unmanageable things -- go to therapy and emotionally deal with life the best way that I know how at this time. Most days it seems that I don't feel, despite the fact that I try. I detest this about medication, it makes life really seem like it's not worth living, especially when your a feelings based person such as I am. Most of what I do feel is surrounded by negative self-worth and berating myself. I know that this is the depression talking - and the voices of my past. The "old-tapes" if you will. That triggers more depreciation because I wonder to myself if I'll ever break free of my past with my mother. I suppose after 25+ years of therapy -- the answer might just be, uh, no. It's okay - I know that I'm a much different person today than I've ever been, and I do catch myself when the negative beatings erupt. I do stop myself, I do the best I can to feel the emotion that spurred it on, and move on from it. This is my way of moving beyond it. I honestly do not know if our core issues every completely heal over. That's just me, others may differ --- no bonding with your mother is a pretty serious issue ... and I know that it marred me.
I have been muddling along. I tried to help someone out of the kindness of my heart. Despite the hesitancy of my mind - I took someone in. I couldn't bare thinking of this person sleeping in an abandoned house. This is a female for goodness sake. Now this is her bed that she's made, a bed made from gambling, addiction, and reoccurring homelessness because of her behavior. She has the canny ability to get money -- but when she does she gambles it away quicker than she can get it again. Yes I believe that gambling is an addiction. However, there is help. Just like with anything else. People either choose help, or they don't. They want to get well, or they're busy staying sick. Yes, that sounds cruel, but I believe that one either makes up their mind or they don't. Anyway ...
I let her stay with me for a few days. She was supposedly sober for a few weeks, but alas, all she did was sleep... for hours on end. No looking for a job, no different behavior, just irresponsibility. Basically, same shit, different day. She left one evening (for the second time) to be with a man that I know is still using -- and I'd had enough. She stayed out all night, did not communicate with me, and I put her out. Oh but I'm the one talking to her crazy. The truth is crazy. Funny how people who aren't living life by life's rules think the truth is crazy. But I know that she is a Queen of manipulation. It's what she does. It's how she gets her money... and she is very good at it. The tough part is that I do care for and about her. I know that she is possibly facing four years in jail. She has a great deal of pain inside of her. I don't know exactly how long it's been since she's drawn a sober breath. Not a real one. Not where she is dealing mentally, emotionally, and physically with her real emotions? She may have never! Perhaps I was expecting too much... particularly where this man is concerned. She is as addicted to him as she is the drugs, and gambling. At the very least she is people dependent. At any rate, I did what I felt I had to do. There was one thing ...she had access to my home. Yeah, that was stupid on my part. So I had to act fast.... and I did...
Live and learn. The hard part for me is the fall out. The emotions that I had that spilled over from doing what I had to do and the dealings with her. She did everything in her power to try and make me "feel" like I was a horrible person. I was the one that had the problems, not her. Now I know that the is what addicts do -- well because I am one, however let me tell you when the tables are turned and the focus or the brunt of the emotion is at you, it's a different story. It does make you (make being the operative word here) wonder if you've made the right decision, ultimately questioning yourself. I knew this was coming. Yet and still, I experienced the emotions. I know now (being past it) that I felt this because I've put people through it. It's not fun being on the other side of the coin.
Life has an uncanny way of showing us things. Sometimes it's simple things, and sometimes much more complicated. A few things that I know - I am a caring and kind human. I often reach my hand out to help, and draw back a stump. But this is okay with me. At the very least, I tried. Nothing ever worth having came without a price. We never know. I'd not want to live my life in a bubble of super heavy duty wrap that no one could penetrate. I'd rather be open to hope, Jesus and His healing powers, and the potential for change. Some might call me stupid, vulnerable, and risky - but that's okay. For me to live is to give. It's just who I am. Yes at times there's consequences - but for the most part, if chosen wisely, they're's joy. That's what I'm seeking are those times, when joy is involved. I know that my faith will lead me there one of these days. I cannot quit believing. Unfortunately this usually involves other people, and it subjects me to being hurt at times. Suffering behind it is .......optional. I don't have to suffer, I just give it right back to God. She is in His more than capable hands, once again. I still took the risk, no matter that it didn't turn out as I'd liked for it too. She's got a long way to go yet I think to reach bottom, and I hate this for her. Deep bottoms are hard to come up out of, I know, I've been there.
The really difficult part is lying to ourselves about who and what we really are. Herein lies the challenge, the task of being brutally honest with self. Some people run from it their entire lives, while others relish in who they are. It's a major part of who society is. Vastly divergent we all are, especially those that are ego driven. I can't say that I am not at all, however I do try and keep mine in check. It takes attention, focus, and practice. Most folks don't even bother. It's pretty much what makes life worthwhile for me... my clarity of mind, motivation, and purpose in life. I realize that there are plenty others that could care less. For me, however it is my life force. It's been brought about by multiple trips to ground zero (if you will allow me) and starting over with nothing, time, and time again. It humbles you - tremendously. A person takes very little for granted when facing those kind of new starts. I'm not here to say that I'm perfect by any means, but I try and stay aware, and focused - and alive to life. I think used very lightly it's called: BEING PRESENT. It's such a much more focused way to live as an anxiety driven sufferer, and very grounding. It's for me all the way back to the word... Grace. The grace of a new day, a new experience, a new hope. As we live "expectantly" - anything is possible in this wonderland that we call life. If I can do it with these pain levels, and my demons -- anyone can. All you have to do is start where you are. Watch for miracles - they happen everyday, only if we're open to them. Be open.
This is a new day filled with new adventures! Get out there and see what Jesus has in store for you!!!