Monday, October 10, 2016

A matter of faith

This is today's reading from Sarah Young's "Jesus Calling."  In my current state of mind, it resonated with me deeply.  In doing so, I then realize that I cannot be alone.

Intellect, logic, ego - all the mindsets that we use to solve (and devise) and or problem solve, are ways in which I know for myself, that I ease God out.  'I got this one God' - I'll ask for help for the really heavy stuff...  This is oft times my line of thinking.  Yet - I want to tell myself I'm at peace, trusting the Father.  In truth, I'm only allowing Him to have access to certain parts of my life.  Then I wonder why I end up in some of the scrapes like I do.  I have more trust in my car than I'm allowing God.  That's scary and extremely hard to admit --- to myself and out loud.  Oh it's not a conscious thing, most of the time, it's more of an automatic thing.  More often than not, I'm not even aware that I'm doing it until I take the time to commune with God.  It is only through  prayer and a reading such as this that I realize  what I'm doing.  This is why this struck me so this morning.

I think in truth I'm living a "halfway" life. Halfway committed and halfway not.  Oh I love the Lord, don't get me wrong -- but I'm still doing it my way.  There is a level of surrender that isn't taking place here.  A degree of depth that I've not accepted.  I allow myself to be around people that say and do things that aren't in agreement with my values, and I blow it off.  I internalize it, because that stuff goes somewhere - it doesn't just vanish.  It affects us physically, I believe as a stressor.  I make excuses for lots of things merely because it's what I want, verses what I need.  I believe many of us do it.  Most of the things that I do and accept that are out of character for me are because of loneliness.  I accept people's behavior and especially their speech- to be around someone.  I am in such need of human contact that I compromise myself.  Here again -- another manifestation of the "I don't matter"..... syndrome.

I never expected this reading to bring so much thought this morning - yet I love it.  How earnestly I need the stimulation and quest.  I am displeased however to be hit with so much.

I truly want to depend upon God fully.  I once was much more focused and disciplined.  I was closer to God.  I have veered because of the loss of my beloved pastor.  I had great grief.  I can analysis this and know that this should not have had anything to do with my relationship to the Father - however, unfortunately it did.  I'm not proud of this - but grief does different things to different  people.  I'd never felt as close to God as I did with my previous pastor because I did not understand the heart of the Father like I do know.  However, this should not have changed.  I question myself, and as I already know - therein the truth lies in my trust issues once again.

I love God.  This is indisputable.  I am strong willed.  This is not a good combination.  I'm sure someone can relate.  Changing, transforming, is a process.  I came from the camp that was preached to that you have to do it yourself.... the psychology camp.  Two treatments and a Counseling background.  Lovers of Christ give believe that this is the work (completely) of God.  I get confused in this being that I'm such a child of growth.  It's a difficult transition.  It would be for anyone who's studied psychology.  Yet, I do have faith.  I do pray for change, especially wholeness.

If your throughly confused by now - don't feel alone.  I know that I need to merge my intellect and my will with what God wants for me.  I pray for God's will and not my own.  I always have since I've been a christian.  My problem is I don't always do different even though I want something different.... and I know all of us can relate to this.  We are not a perfect people.   I believe for the most part we have good hearts.

If you are like me and struggle with surrendering all, and what I mean by "all" is letting everything go to God.  I still get a tad anxious about the future, and try to manage some things on my own, don't despair.  God still loves us just the same.  Having complete faith in all things I think comes with experience.  He knows our hearts.  He knows with me the bottom-line is that I do trust Him, as best I can with my life experiences.  Our problems lie in our humanizing God.  We limit His ability to see past our frailty.  Our humanness.  The issues that I've been writing about are about faith.  He doesn't require a lot - a mustard seed - and most of us have so much more than that.  Praise God.  I'm going to put my focus upon trusting and leaning into Him more in these coming days.  I'm going to stop leaning on my own understanding, because I know that I really understand so little.  If only I didn't think so much, however this is how God made me.

Embrace who you are, and nurture your spirit as God would have you do.  Allow Him to love you and bless you, and may His glorious favor over shadow ever aspect of your life.  Let Him go before you and make a way, where there was none, blessing you all the days of your life.

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