It's been a while since I've written. I've had several new things develop. I've began a new therapy, and I'm ever so excited (and hopeful) about it. I had decided to change therapist's because of a multitude of inappropriate things that were taking place, the main thing was that I was not being heard. Knowing from my own background -- a good therapist listens, whereas what I was experiencing was being told that what I felt was inaccurate. That's a huge red flag. My self-esteem might not be stellar but it isn't the lowest of low.... and I kept having that shoved down my throat. If I know anything I am a survivor, and a damn good one at that - I may not have the greatest of coping skills, however they've gotten me through many a trauma. Besides, I got very tired of hearing stories about other clients (no names were used of course) as if these stories were somehow useful to me. Take it from me, if you feel like you're not being heard by your counselor or therapist, listen to your gut..... I couldn't even confront it because he would get mad if I spoke up. There is some serious dysfunction there. It was how he saw it, or I needed to see someone else... so that is what I did, and man what a blessing from God!!!
This new Doctor is a God send. It is an answer to many a prayer. I am doing what is called EMDR - Eye movement desensensitation reorganization. It's a re-mapping of the brain memory strands. I probably don't have that quite right, but you can google it, and read more information about it if you would like, but the basis of it is that you take traumatic memories and re-map them, reorganize them with other memories that aren't traumatic. It's done through some touch (on your knees), and rapid eye movement. The process involves activating both brain hemispheres. I've had two sessions. I'm so hopeful. The thing that I see most out of what I've done so far is that I am not reacting to thing like I would have used to, and I'm much more emotionally balanced. Just calmer. It has really increased my dream life - which is what Doc said would happen ---- it's the brains way or reorganizing these traumatic events.
This therapy really is what I've prayed for because I've basically tried everything else. I cannot remember who said it, I think it was Einstein, but "you cannot solve problems with the same brain that created them", and I truly believe this. There has to be some form of intervention. EMDR is my intervention. It used a lot with PTSD - and really anyone with a traumatic background. It's not widely known about - and is fairly new. I urge you to check it out if if looks like something that might be of help. It is extremely enlightening.
On the home front - Gracie (my tabby) has had bad, bad allergies. I took her to the vet and got a steroid liquid and man talk about a fight to give a cat meds. It did not work however, and it hurt my heart to have to basically wrestle her daily to get it in her little mouth. Of course she thought she was being punished and it just killed me. Half (if not more) of the medicine went flying all over the kitchen, it was a nightmare. So now I have to take her back and get the shot which should have been given in the first place. Another large vet bill and a 60 mile trip that freaks her out. She cries all the way there and all the way back. It's really fun folks. I take her so far because it is so much more economical and I've been to this vet for years. They really are less expensive than the one's here in town.
I've not been to church, every Sunday I wake up in awful pain. This past weekend I was on day three of double dry socket. I had two teeth pulled Wed. Of course I got dry socket. Life wouldn't be normal if it weren't difficult for me......LOL. It's going to be yet another difficult month financially - and I'm so tired of it. One would think that I'd be used to it by now - but you never get used to not having enough to get the things that you need, and never having anything left over. I need a (financial) miracle.
It's all going to get better, it's just going to take time. I was the one that shopped myself in to a nightmare and now am having to pay the financial consequences. I have no one to blame but myself. The holy spirit warned me when I was spending without thought of consequences - and I did not heed the warning .... I proceeded to feed my disease. I am so hopeful with this new therapy that my compulsions can be healed, and I can get my financial circumstances in order and stop using spending money that I don't have as an improper coping mechanism. It's got me imprisoned right now with no money and no gasoline..... for three more days. I don't feel sorry for myself - I'm not really angry, I sometimes feel defeated, but for the most part I just accept it and understand. I don't know if this is "healthy" - or I'm in denial to be honest. I don't know what I could do different actually. It's done, I've made purchases this month on the cards that are saved in certain stores online - because I can't seem to stop myself. I'm still hopeful!!! Yes, damn it, I said hopeful! If anyone spent as much time as I do alone, and broke --- well I tell you riding yourself of coping skills is not easy. An perhaps that is just a justification I'm not certain - I try and be as honest with myself as I know how to be, alas, I'm human.
This will balance itself out. I know it. I will choose different behaviors. I'm claiming it. See Doc explained to me that the things that we did when we were at the age that we experienced the trauma - and lived the lives that we did --- were methods of survival during that time. However, we grow up and we are not in that environment any longer. We grow up yet we are still behaving, coping, and attempting to adjust in that same manner and it has now became a "symptom". This is where a huge amount of depression, addiction, compulsiveness ---ect. comes from. What once served us, now hurts us. GOSH where has this information been all my life????? Praise Jesus, I'm so filled with gratitude right now..... and I have been! It makes so much sense to me. All of the things that I did as a child attempting to "not be seen", "avoid feeling", and "hide" - are now anxiety, fear, depression, and disconnection from everything.
Wow. I say. WOW.
The other side of this is that my intellect over serves me. I over think everything. It gets in the way of my relationship with God even. It prevents me from asking for help. It oft times keeps me isolated, and alone. It really no longer serves me. I need to find a balance between thought and feeling. Trust is all bottled up in there as well. I'm not sure how all of this will come about, but I do trust that it will. I'm very hopeful, God has brought me this far. If it hadn't of been for my ability to think quickly as a child, I would have never survived. Now, however, it doesn't serve me as well. It has become a symptom of discontent.
It never ceases to amaze me at how my Lord knows me. The ways in which He answers prayer. So unexpected and so beautifully. My heart is tendered more and more each and every time, for I gain greater understanding of His heart. An that my friends is amazing.
Thank you Jesus, sweet Jesus, for answering my prayers so eloquently as You always do! I'm so filled with blessings for and to You at this time in my life I hardly know what to do with myself. I know I'm healing Father, and I thank You so much. Father, help me, help myself in every manner that I need to - Father and give it my best effort. I pray for those that read this blog Father, that whatever healing that they may have, or need be lifted up to you to Father, and bless them as You've so bountifully blessed me! In Jesus name I pray, Amen.