On this Eve of Christmas, there's a great deal on my mind. I wonder about the upcoming year and how the changes that are about to befall me will truly affect my life. Of course I cannot know, I can only attempt to envision what those changes might bring - but my greatest battle is with my mind.
I am a hopeful person. I used to dispense hope for a living. It was my purpose. I'd spring out of bed, excited for the day's work. I loved most everything that I did. I got the unique and unforgettable glimpse at watching people grow, right before my very eyes. That rarity will always be with me, forged in my memory - indelible, for life. When I lost this, I lost my purpose. Yes, I did it, and there is nothing that can take this away - and it is still who I am, but I no longer get to witness such a miraculous gift. I grieve.
When my Father died, life as I knew it, ceased to exist. My Father was a formidable force in my life. He wasn't your average dad, for if you've read my blog - you know that I had an extremely estranged relationship with my mom. Therefore, my Father's importance was increased ten fold. My Father's life as a child was difficult, his relationship with his mother - he was separated from her around the age of 10 I think, and placed with his Grandmother. An abandonment of sorts. Daddy would get ready for school, and right before he left, Great Grandmother Burr would tell him, "If I die today, you have to decide where you're going to go." Quite the devastation to have to even comprehend for a little boy - who's been removed from the mother that he loved, placed with a different parental figure, to worry about death and then those consequences. Daddy never uttered an unkind word about any of his childhood experiences, despite what he went through. I get my hope from my Dad. But I digress. He was my rock, my friend, my protector, my cheerleader, he just was always there. No questions asked, he taught me what unconditional love is and how to love others that way ---- and accept people for who they are. He taught me to be a giver, not a taker in life - and to give from your heart. And I grieve.
Grief is an interesting thing. I've experienced it, and I've witnessed it in other people. What I know is if you don't get a handle on it, grief can and will destroy your life. As hard as I've tried to process through mine, being an addictive type of person, it's become the ruin of mine. I don't know if I'm the one at fault, or if it is because I did not grieve properly. However, as I write this post I've pushed the envelope with my addictive spending to the place where I am no longer going to have choices. Things are going to be put into place where I cannot have access to my own money. As I sit here, I am attempting to process this. I've been reading about treatment, but I know that my insurance won't pay for it. Alas, it's traditional treatment I'm sure which I've had. I'm torn, because I know that in reality this needs to be done, yet - I surely don't want this. I feel defeated, and many other things that aren't even worth mentioning. I'm going to loose access to the net also. As far as I know right now - I'm going to try and write on a flash drive and post at the library. The process is going to be wild. As addictive and compulsive as I am - my addiction is bound to come out somewhere else. But then again, I am not giving God credit nor my Doctor - because he completely obliterated my cravings yesterday. Doc is amazing.
My mind wants to go to that nasty, negative place. Where I'm a failure, an idiot, and just downright stupid. I cannot let this happen. I am a child of God. I am at a jumping off place and something has to occur. I've ask for a miracle an perhaps this is it. I know Doc is a miracle because none of the other practitioners have done for me what he is doing. I am truly grateful. I don't have to like this, that's okay. Sometimes change is hard. This can either be hard or I can make the best of it. I know it's going to be difficult at first, and I'm going to go through a withdraw of sorts. This is to be expected. What I need do now is focus on the positive. I asked for help and I'm getting it.
I have not been praying. Oh I throw a short prayer here and there for people - but I've not had a heart to heart with the Lord in a while. This is a huge part of my difficulty. Gina's been doing what she wants, and this is not good. Since my beloved pastor left, that grief has been hard too. Overall, it's been a good year, I've just not been as close to God as I'd like to be and no one is to blame but me. This is going to change.
Despite my reality - I hope with all I have that each one of you have beautiful holidays! Filled with lots of family and friends.... love an laughter. I Hope its rich with traditions, old and new. May we always remember Christ at Christmas even if it's not the exact time of His birth, it's when we celebrate it. Love your families, hug them extra hard, tell them what your thinking, and do what's on your mind, don't put it off. Tomorrow's not promised to any of us.
Thank you Jesus for my friends...