Sunday, May 22, 2016

Blessings beyond the pain.

It's been quite awhile since I've written.  Many things have transpired.  My stent has been removed from my kidney - and there's some post pain - but nothing like I've had.  I thing all together I had six ER visits throughout the ordeal.  Plus, my boss politely, (and I say that kindly) as I got my nails done, let me go...stating that I just wasn't able to do the job.  This was a total switch from his telling me to completely heal 100% prior to returning to work, as though he was actually concerned for my wellbeing.  I'd went in to retrieve my very small pay, and get my nails done - and although my nail services had been being free..... he charged me, leaving me with a whopping $12.00.  How kind of him.....  I was really shocked, and somewhat dismayed.  I suppose - such is life.  So here I am, on the mend with no employment and so little money it is actually funny.  Yet, I'm feeling so much better emotionally - I have faith that everything will be just dandy.

I've made a new male friend that I don't believe that I've mentioned - and he has been a godsend.  Sort of like the brother I never had, only much better - he's been there when no one else has - and most definitely shown me that he is a tried and true friend.  He's waited hours for me at the emergency room, actually took me to surgery - and brought me home, and all with brilliant valor.  He's a friend like I've not had in quite sometime - and I adore him for his character and integrity.  God works in mysterious ways..... His wonders never cease.  I am so grateful for this relationship - I cannot even put it into words.  He does what he does purely out of the goodness of his heart.  He's helped me restore faith in mankind.  God knew.....

I've also reconnected with someone that I never thought that I would - which I once loved with all of my heart.  It's a story like no other and it seems like for whatever reason that it's now not at it's end.  Now whether or not this goes no further than a strong friendship or becomes something more -- I am deeply pleased.  I thought that I'd lost all contact with this man, forever.  Matter of fact the things that I "thought" -- as per my sometimes dysfunctional thinking do not serve me well.  However, I am learning.  Praise God!!!  I am captivated by how God works in my life, and so often in such a subtle, gentle manifestations.  This is the glory of the Father -- to do the impossible.  What I mean by this is that I'd gotten on an internet dating application.  Mostly for fun, and out of sheer boredom.  This is how my beloved friend and I reconnected..... except he says that I sent him a message - but I did not.  I couldn't have because he isn't in my contacts to do so.  I believe this was a divine intervention.  He would say that I'm loony - but I know what I know.....  now we have plans to reunite, and this makes me enormously happy.  

I have also reconnected with a dear female friend and it has just been delightful.  She is one of the most generous, kind, giving, authentic women that I have known in quite some time.  We've been having a splendid time together.  Last Sunday - I had several friends in my home, and my phone actually rings and dings with messages, calls from people that are in my life.  God has answered my prayers.  Even though I've not really been able to deeply pray lately other than to praise Him, even in this awful pain - He's answering my prayers!  God is doing for me what I couldn't do for myself, and doing so beautifully.  Although I've not been to church, nor am I a consistent reader of the word (not that I'm advocating these things) - but I truly believe it's about a state of the heart.  Not that one's heart has to be 100% pure either, because I have my demons, just like everyone.  But, God is life - beauty, and for me, He's in the quest for wholeness.  He knows the desires of my heart and He has heard my prayers.  He's heard me praise Him for all things, even the most basic things - even in the depths of my despair.  His love is so vast that it commands my attention despite my human trust issues....of which I am not proud.  He understands it.  He understands all.  

I do not have the connection that I did when I was at Midland Church - albeit God is still with me just as strong.  I miss my church immensely - but God is still at the center of my life.  As Paul White used to tell us, "God isn't in this building... He's in your heart."  I've always known that in my head, but praise Jesus, I'm finally beginning to conceive that in my heart.  This is where it needs reside.  

Don't ever doubt that God is for you and not against you.  He hears your prayers, even when you cannot utter a word.  The Holy Spirit intercedes for you - and makes your requests be known and I believe sometimes that's our best communication with God, when there just aren't words.  When the heart speaks, I believe  people as well as God, listen.  It's hard to grasp during those deeply pain-filled moments, but God is ever so near us.  Our torment is His.  If we can just learn to give it to Him.  This is one of my greatest weaknesses, the pain sucks me into it, and away from God, but I am learning.  Ask for the Father to deliver you... because He will, each and every time.  It may not be the way you think it should go -- but I tell you He will transform your life.  Pain always transforms us.  All we have to do is feel the pain, and trust the Lord.  Praise Him anyway, hold on and see what happens.  It doesn't even take great faith, for we all falter at times when we're hurting.  Just try and remember what man uses for evil, God will use for His good.  

And always, always --- have hope.  God will make something beautiful out of your suffering.     

Monday, May 9, 2016

Lost lives.

I have mixed emotions today.  This has always been a difficult day for me -- having had the childhood that I had.  I realize that I won't be anyone's favorite when I admit that I really dislike Mother's day.  For me, it evokes much distain.  Having had a mother that was mentally ill, cruel, and with such a duality - as much as I wish it hadn't; my mother affected my life quite adversely.  I've never liked Mother's day.  I'd search for hours sometimes trying to find a damn card that said anything near the truth to our flimsy relationship - in all reality it was a love - hate one at best.  Hallmark doesn't really make cards that requite those feelings.  "Dear Mom, I love you --- despite the fact that I have HUGE amounts of time that I can't recall or remember due to your demonic character......"  Those aren't sold on the shelves.  It was a complex relationship at best, I did love her, it was just "scary" love.  Love filled with fear.  As hard as I try,  pray, read, weep, the fear in love or connection with people is still there.  There's few that I trust, even fewer that I let know me, and when I do - it's a double edged sword.  This is what love was for me, it always seemed to hurt somehow.

I've been in incredible pain.  This along with the pain that I live with on a daily basis has just about put me over the edge.  I had a kidney stone obstruction that went on for about 12-14 days.  I finally had surgery last week.  I still have a kidney full of stones.  They kept telling me it wasn't obstructed, and I knew better.  They wouldn't pass.  I was in agonizing pain,  One of my friends after a misunderstanding with another friend... in which I'd hoped for support with, actually told me to get off my pity party.  Needless to say her and I are not friends anymore.  She seemed to think that she understood my pain.  I cannot imagine saying something like that to a friend....no matter what the circumstances.  She said that being supportive of me what a challenge.  That's interesting.  I found this very interesting.  Of course people come to you through the veil of their own pain - emotional and spiritual.  I guess in all actuality I shouldn't have expected anything more.

It's been a long time since I've thought about expectations and the problems that they bring.  I used to be very good at not having them.  That was back in my A.A. days - for it's one of their philosophies.  The less you expect the better off you are.  I lost someone else this week that I fully know was a result of my relationship, and it's affects with my mother.  When I begin to get close to someone, especially a man, I panic.  I get frightened on a level that I'm not even aware.  My mind races, and I get out of control.  I've lost several people like this... and it is part of the root of my anxiety.  He too, just disappeared.  I don't get a chance to explain  - and really after the way that I behave sometimes, why should they let me explain?  It's a pretty unattractive trait.  I wish I knew the answer to getting to the root of this.  This is exactly what I've prayed for God to heal.  You see, I had begun to care for this man, and that's when it happens, when someone starts to get close.  I suppose awareness is half the battle, however I'm getting really tired of looking at this dysfunction of mine and not knowing what to do with it.

We all have our stuff.  Some of us have more stuff than others.... but we all have it.  Even this guy - he has stuff.  None of us are perfect.  He didn't even have the guts to tell me,  he didn't think it would work out.  He just stopped talking to me.  Men are great at that.

So the numbers keep racking up of the people that I've lost.  It's never easy.  I keep wondering when I'm going to learn this lesson, and I keep praying for healing.  Actually I haven't really been able to pray here lately.  I'm sort of numb.  When I screw up and I know it's my fault like with the guy - and I know it's my childhood dysfunction -- it makes me really sad.  I get depressed.  I've been depressed, in horrible pain and out of touch with God.  I hate this fear that I feel.  I wish fear didn't exist.  Oh, I've read all the books, and I've done the work, but I still have it.  The only way that I truly believe that I'll ever get over it is for someone to love me through it.  Someone that is strong enough to see past it.  I don't know if there is that person alive.  I pray there is, I pray.  Someone that won't abandon me when it gets tough.  Someone that see's my scars and can still love me.  I realize that this is a tall order - and maybe I'm hoping for too much, but I truly believe this is the only way that I'm going to heal.  Love heals, unconditional love.  I know of it, I try my best to give it to my friends, and it's what my father taught me.  I thank God for my father, for with out him - I don't think I would have survived.

As I approach the anniversary of my Dad's death - once again, I reflect on his character.  Dad was a wonderful man.  A true man of integrity.  My whole aim in life is to be his daughter, and carry on his legacy.  It is very hard to be all the things that he was in today's society.  I fail miserably often times, yet I pick myself up.  I write so that others may know that they are not alone in life's struggles.  Hopefully, that somewhere, somehow, we're all in this together.  Shared experience makes for lesson's learned - hopefully.  As I've shared throughout these four years, I've hit bottom many times, yet here I am.  There is always hope.  God is our hope.  He is our guiding light in an ever present darkness.  I'll find my way through this dysfunctional behavior somehow, with His help.  He will answer my prayers - for He always does.  Sometimes the weeding out of people is necessary.  I don't always like it - but God know's best.  I believe my healing is coming --- and I'm going to stand in that truth.  God has brought me to far for me to live my life in this kind of hell.  I don't like hurting people, it kills me.  No more then I like being hurt.  It's just not what God intended.  I just have to have faith, and hang on.  And so do you......hope springs eternal, Jesus is our healer.  

Sunday, May 1, 2016

Hope in Healing.

I had an epiphany yesterday... as I read my bible and pondered many things.  My life feeling quite broken and empty.  Life has been full of pain and confusion - fear and mistrust, I found a glimmer of hope inside my prayers as I finished my morning's activities.  If when attempting to heal, you're just bombarded by more and more problems instead of answers, it isn't a healing's way.  I had been following a woman's work about being a damaged daughter, and the depth of the carnage continued to pile up.  I continued to seek answers for my wounds - and there seemed to be none.  Not concrete answers anyway -- every-time I turned around there were further posts on damage, but no real cure... I had begun to over identify with the wounds.  I will not be a "wounded woman"... for I have overcome far too much in my life, and I serve God of the Most High - and my beliefs are not in alignment with this vein of thought.  Again, my intellect is my own worst enemy.  I began to pray for relief ---- Father God, relieve me of my humanness..... and heal my wounds as only You can.... In Jesus precious name.

I've struggled with my issues from/with my Mom my whole life.  It had become an identity and I wasn't even aware.  Oh how we can let things take ahold of us, and not even realize and here I had this woman telling me that I was HARD wired in my brain to act, think, and react a certain way because of my Mom.  It may be true, but I cannot eat, live, breathe, that.  Yes, I have problems but I also know that I have a LIVING Savior who IS SEATED besides the right hand of God.  I'd gotten lost somewhere in this deal thinking that I had to do the work.  Oh my goodness.  How foolish I am.  My brain.  My overactive, "I'll fix it", workaholic, "I got this", over functioning, brain.  Like a sheep awaiting slaughter I was.  Oh I'm a trooper alright, but a foolish one.  When I actually think of this -- this enlightenment was an answer to a prayer.  God is my healer.  It's already FINISHED.  My healing was done 2000 years ago at Calvary.

It's been an interesting week thus far, I'm still passing kidney stones - or NOT passing - they are stuck. I'm still out of work, and nothing I can do about it.  This down time was needed.  I'm realizing how cruel people can be.  People can and will say anything with the help of social media.  They will say what they would never say to you to your face.  I hate this culture that we have now.  It is hard to trust.  People all have their own limited views of who you are, and there isn't anything that you can do about it.  People's perception of you is, nine times out of ten, not what you think.  People will go off on you with out provocation, and without hesitation.  They see you through there own lens of disfunction - and pain.  I guess in all reality how else could they see you.  I thank God I've been taught to see things with objectivity.  It's a pain on pain world.  If you've possibly hurt them, they'll die trying to hurt you back.

It really seems like God is directing me to live my life without the aid of other people.  Seriously.   My life continues to be narrowed down more and more to a mere nothingness.  I could disappear and no one would be privy.   That's ok, there is a reason this is happening.  If I am to retreat into myself and God that much, I will be ok.  If God is to be my everything, then so be it.  I will make do just fine.  Apostle Paul went through much worse than I'm going through.  So did Jesus.  Not that I'm comparing in any way... but to have very little human contact is hard and can be quite distressing at times especially for a chronic pain person.  There are things I can do.  It should prove to be an interesting summer.  I will be grateful for what I have, and rejoice in the answers that God has provided, because I believe that people always show their true colors.  God will reveal, always.  Any friend that talks about her other friends behind their backs, will talk about you behind your back.  Remember that.

I have surgery on the 4th of May.  I'll be good as new and my life will return as normal... whatever that is.  I'm going to stand fast in the Lord and read God's word for healing and restoration.  My intellect is my enemy.  My healing is in Christ.  When I can remember to yoke up with Him, every single issue in my life is solved.  It doesn't make things perfect, or me, by any means -- but it means I have answers where there were none and perfect answers.  I can live life in awe and wonder.... as it should be.  Having people in your life can be wonderful and devastating both at the same time sometimes.  Right now, I just need Jesus.