Saturday, May 13, 2017

Facing Darkness, Finding Hope

I was just released from the hospital last evening.  Depression had it's way with me, despite my greatest fight.  Sometimes even those of us that seem to have stellar hope, and strong faith - have to admit we've met a challenge we cannot surmount.  I'd been wrangling with the hope fight for a few weeks.  Oft times, as we gain in the process towards healing - we can have a backlash of pure fear.  This was the case for me.  Despite my best effort, the mental and emotional barrage got the best of me.  I just kept coming up empty in my attempts to see through - the finances, the courage that was needed to do what was being asked of me, and my internal dialogue.

Going into a mental "locked" institution is truly a shock to your psyche.  You are stripped of each and everything that makes you, you.  An I mean ---- stripped.  You have no awareness of time -- other than when meals are served, or groups are held, unless you go to the nurses station.  I was taken off all of my medications for a full 24 hour period and was in excruciating pain.  Unable to think, hardly able to move, I lay in bed most of this time, which allows for much contemplation.  Much of this time was spent however, in pure agony because of physical and emotional pain.  Such a shock to the system, and quite hard to comprehend it's purpose --- you tend to revolt.  Being that I had went in voluntarily -- I soon wanted out.  However, this is not the way things work.  The best that I could do, was hold on to what scriptures that I knew from memory -- and short "Help me Jesus" - prayers.

In this day and age so many people are addicted to their medications.... which I discovered was in part the reasons for removal of meds. This impart and also the wait to see the Psychiatrist to make necessary changes to said medications.  The wait was brutal.  Yet, I did endure it, I did make it through it - by the grace of God.  An even when I did receive my medications, often they were given late, my pain out of control, and unable to regain control of it because of the mismanagement of my meds.  During this time, you do the best that you can, and pray for the time when you'll find relief again.

What I was ever so aware of was that mental illness is rampant and I am a blessed individual.  Once I got past the initial 24 hour period, although still unable to fully think clearly - I attempted to participate in program activities.  I had gone to seek help/hope and I intended to participate as best as my mind could function.  I did so to the best of my ability.

What I gained from this experience is an enormity of gratitude for my life.  Gratitude for the things that were taken from me upon arrival.  Time.  My life.  My home.  My friends.  My cat.  My bible.  Choices.  Almost too many things to account.

I've contemplated since coming home the issues that perhaps brought me to this presuppose - and I had not acknowledged within me the anniversary of my Father's death, the tragedy of his passing.  I actually thought that this year it would be different - and it wouldn't hit me so hard.  I think it was "wishful" thinking....and in all actuality, I was not processing it, at all.  It's okay - sometimes things sneak up on us.  I have also noticed that I have been going between two worlds - and I know that I cannot keep doing this.

I've been going to a day type of treatment program -- which was required by my psych nurse.  I also have things/goals to achieve from Doc that are on a higher functioning level.  It feels like one is on a completely different level - than the other.  I feel as if I am being pulled into two totally opposite directions.  One higher functioning, one lower.  I understand why said goals were set - but I cannot continue in both levels.  It is confusing my psyche.  I need to remain on the higher functioning level - and stay there... and I recognize this.  An after this hospitalization --- I am certain of what I need.  This will require me to take action steps that I have thus far been unwilling to take, and by unwilling --- I mean afraid.  I've let fear and my comfort in isolation keep me stuck.  This is going to end.

I yearned for my bible while in the hospital --- I am so grateful to be home where I can feed on God's word again - and I am going to church tomorrow, regardless.  I've been indulging in doing exactly what I want -- and it has gotten me nowhere but sick.  I have got to do what needs to be done, and stand on God's Word for strength.  I can do what's being asked of me, if I swallow my pride - and face my fears.  Pride goest before the fall.... and that's what I did, I fell.

I apologize that this is so much about me --- I write in hope's that someone will understand - and can relate - and perhaps realize that even asking for help is OKAY.  No, being hospitalized is not easy.  It's hard.  But sometimes it has to be done.  I was contemplating suicide.  I had been for two weeks or so - on and off.  Thank goodness, I told someone before I actually made a plan or worse yet ---- acted it out.

AS with everything - there is a reason that this happened -- and yeah, I hit a bottom again.  It's okay.  I had a nurse there --- that probably helped me more than she'll ever know.  God put her there.  To be accepted, even in that state -- means everything.  That's exactly what she did.  Lovingly accepted me, as bad as I felt, in my then, state of mind.  Thank God for you sister.  There were a few people there that knew me, and were genuinely concerned about me.  I am not as alone as I oft think...  and neither are you.

Depression is ugly.  It lies to us.  It tries to tell us that we're nothing, and that we mean nothing to anyone.  It tells us we're broken, never to be made whole again.  Lies, all LIES!!!  Fight is with every fiber of your being.  Talk back to it ---- do something that you really enjoy - tell someone what is going on in your head.  Our worse enemy is our mind.  Albert Einstein said,  “The significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which we created them.”  I totally believe this is true.  We need intervention/help.  

So no matter what you are facing today/tomorrow --- remember you are not alone.  God will always hear you - and He answers prayer.  People care more than you think.  We cannot always believe what our minds tell us about ourselves.  Yes, pain is difficult, sometimes it's devastating -  I know.  But it doesn't last forever, I promise.  Sometimes all you need to do is say, "Jesus."

If you comment, I will answer you.  Thanks for reading -- God Bless you all.  <3

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