Saturday, July 8, 2017

A place to hide.

I wish I knew why it is that when I am going through difficult emotional periods, I seem to push God away.  I am not certain is I push - or if I just go through a period of choosing not to feel all together.  See, feeling things isn't one of my greatest endeavors - I tend to avoid it -- at all costs.  Most addicts do (recovering or active).  Most of the time a person that has been down the path of addiction did so at a ripe young age -- for me, I was eleven years old when my "career" began.  What is in the research is that the person just stops maturing when the chemicals begin.  They stop maturation emotionally at any rate.  Oh they keep on growing physically and for all intensive purposes they look like they're just like everyone else -- but they're not.  They're's many a defect.  Anyways ---

I'm working through some really difficult issues with Doc in therapy - the EMDR that I told you all about several months ago - (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing) -  this is where a traumatic memory is taken, and processed by stimulating the right and left frontal lobes of the brain quickly -- through rapid eye movement - via memory.  This therapy is executed mostly for those that suffer from PTSD - but it is used for multiple therapeutic avenues who's burdened by traumatic memories.  It is used some for persons with Dissociative Identity Disorder also.  At any rate - I've been undergoing this therapy for almost a year now - and we are working on some very difficult memories.  It's a partial memory - and it's just the kind that I do not like doing.  Usually more is revealed, and I have no control over what comes and when.  The emotions involved are usually quite painful -- and I don't like the feelings of not having any control of what comes.  It is quite unsettling.  As one would imagine -- it produces fear - and anguish.  

I have found myself in a sort of a "frozen" mode.  I just choose to do nothing -- take no chances, so I have no chance of feeling anything.  It's safer.  I don't let God in, no people, no nada.  I basically sit in front of the television and veg.  Or at least I've done this for a few days or so -- I haven't read my bible, and I haven't been anywhere.  I am afraid of what might come.  One thing that does tend to happen with EMDR is dreams.  It's how the psyche processes the trauma.  I even try to sleep fast.  I know that this sounds crazy - but it's true.  

I've spent too much money - money that I didn't have.  I'm still in the addictive pattern and I've really wanted to use.  Really bad.  This is how I push my feelings down.  I would like nothing more then just to stay "comfortably NUMB".  However - I know in my mind that this is not good and today I cried because I did interact yesterday and I went and did my volunteer gig at the nursing home.  I really enjoy it.  But I got in touch with my loneliness again.  I really dislike holidays.  I'm always alone.  I often wonder if I will be alone the rest of my life.  I pray so hard to God for that not to be true.  Today it seems like it will be like this, the rest of my life, but I do have faith - that God knows and will give me the desires of my heart.  

This is the beauty about God.  His grace and mercy is so unbelievable.  He loved me and brought me through when I was so undeserving.  I guess you could say, although a very troubled individual, I've always had a compassionate heart - because I've been through so much as a person.  My heart has always hurt for others.  When you grow up and you're not wanted, it does something to you. 
You see life differently.  It can't but change your perception towards the things that are of love in your life.  The people that do love you are so precious.  Not feeling like you are "enough" makes you always try your hardest, at each and everything that you ever undertake.  You don't even comprehend the word.... quit.  It just isn't an option.  You do everything to the absolute best of your ability (and then some)... in hopes that you'll be accepted, loved, noticed, that you'll finally matter....etc.  The really sad part is that it is an endless battle because you're trying to gain acceptance from someone who's is more often than not - mentally ill.  In my case - my parent was.  I just did not know it.  

However, I got off track again because I was writing about Jesus - or I was trying to.  If it weren't for Him, I would have killed myself (I tried many times) a long time ago.  When I say I tried -- I didn't deliberately set out to do so -- with exception of when I was 21... I had a nervous break down.  But I often didn't care one way or another.  But God kept me alive.  He knew that I was needed for something.  I still do not know what that purpose was.  I used to think that it was for the counseling that I did - but those days are over.  Maybe it was for the ones that I helped.  However, I'm still here.  I've just really not been wanting to deal with anything here lately.  I suppose that it is good that I realized that today.  I have gone for months and not known what was going on.  Hell, to be honest, I've gone for years and not really had a real feeling because of my meds.  While I was on one of my meds, I really did not feel anything like I do now for almost six years.  That's scary when I think about it.  It's difficult to track when you have fibromyalgia - because tracking isn't something that you do well.  

I really dislike holidays.  I spent some time with a friend today but virtually I always end up alone in the end.  I have a difficult time thinking, believing that things will ever end any other way than this.  However that is how I'm feeling right now -- I don't know what God has in store for me.  I can't sense Him right now - I don't know what He is working on, I just try to do my part, as best I can and be the best person I know how to be -- and pray when I can. It's not been real often here lately, I've been hiding.  I did a lot of that as a child too- and that's become a defect of mine.  I've got some serious financial difficulties coming up.  I've shopped myself into a problem.  I'm going to have to pay the piper now and I don't know how I'm going to do it.  I'm scared, and I don't know what is going to happen.  I'm probably going to have to stop paying some of my bills because I have to eat.  There just isn't much I can do about that.  I've got a real problem with the spending.  It's got to stop.  It's time to call a halt on something.  I've got to face reality now.  I've been very irresponsible.  I don't know that it's that per se, it's the addiction, I don't know if I can stop.  It's really hard when you're hurting and can't deal with it and have no support system.  

I wish someone would try what I'm going through and let me know how they do it.  I'ts absolute hell.  The only place I get good feelings is shopping.  Every other aspect of my life is either lonesome or somehow painful.  It seems to be.  Like doc says - "you are alone, and it's not supposed to be like this".  He's alsolutely right.  It's excruciating at times.  Sometimes it's tolerable, but most of the time, it's pretty awful.  I envy my friends.  they have no idea  what it's like of they'd do something.  I would if I were they're friend.  It's very interesting.  It is always different on the needful end of things.  

I will keep my head up - and try to process things as they come.  In all earnestness what else can we do?  My finances turned out better than I expected - I'm broke but I got every one paid.  That's always my greatest fear, that someone won't get paid.  I'm a responsible spending addict - what an oxymoron.   Oh believe you me - I'm a walking contradiction --- I'm sure.  I do really try.  Being someone that is of integrity is very important to me.  That doesn't mean that I have to have money --- it pertains to how I carry myself.  People can be broke ---- and feel like the richest person on earth --- it's all about perspective.  I won't give you the glass deal but I will challenge you to try to live your life with attention, be mindful and  to it as it comes.  Yesterday is just that behind you.  Tomorrow --- well that will take care of itself when it arrives.  Live fully as best you can - and make it your aim to be especially kind.  Give of yourself to people less fortunate than yourself.  Be courteous to each and everyone.  Look and see awe and wonder in your everyday life --- you will find it.  Jesus will show it to you is you have faith that it exists.  

Challenge your self and your faith today --- push to be present and mindful.  Jesus will meet you there.  Arms wide open.  

In grace,

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