Monday, August 14, 2017
I don't know if I've ever written about how utterly devastating the emptiness that I feel at times because of the depth of separation I have from human beings. I believe that I have shared some about my plight, but I do not think that I have gotten gut level honest -- as I am about to do right now. In many aspects, it is embarrassing to admit, painful to acknowledge, and completely humbling to bring into the light. I cannot even say with full clarity what my intentions are, nor what my motives might in sharing these brutal truths, other than the possibility of the chance that someone, somewhere connecting - or finding some sort of solace through the the utterance of my words. Although writing is therapeutic for me, my hearts greatest desire is to engage someone's life - to encourage, enlighten, or lend hope. However, at this particular juncture --- hope is not the highest of emotional positions of which I stand today. I apologize ahead of time for this, I would just ask for to be allowed to be fully human and accepted right where I am. I assure you, I would gladly do the same for you. Know this.
I spent the biggest part of the day yesterday curled up, in a semi-fetal position sobbing. An before anyone proceeds to gather - no, I was not indeed, merely feeling sorry for myself. I rarely allow feelings of self-pity to take up residence in me, and the reason being is because I cannot emotionally afford it. My plight in this life is to live with chronic, sometimes unbearable physical pain -- 24 hours - 7 days a week. I have multiple conditions, issues that cause chronic/acute pain that I am powerless over. This existence is not compatible with self-pity. I just cannot allow myself to venture into that territory. I would stay high on some sort of drug consistently if I did -- and I would have the perfect excuse, it's not like my disease doesn't whisper such entitlement in my ear as it stands.
However, yesterday was a day of emotional darkness like I hadn't felt in a long time. If people even knew the degree of devastation and barrenness that my mind can take me to - my life would be different. My lifelong friend did call - and her timing was perfect - she said that she just felt the need to see how I was dong. God bless her, because I was not doing well, at all. She said that she "just had a sense", and she sensed correctly - because I was engaged in some pretty foul thinking, as well as crying quite hard. Her call helped me immensely.
I do not believe that we are meant to be nor exist on this planet alone. I fully believe to do so is indeed, extremely painful. I have yet to understand how it can be that I do have friends that know my plight - yet do not reach out to me more often. That is not a judgment - it is merely a query. I full well know that most folks focus in life is 97% - inward. To me, that's a really scary thing. I would really hate to be that self-absorbed. I'm not certain if because of how I grew up --- having to be always on guard, and ultra hyper-aware in regards to my mother's mood swings, her actions, and her rages...but I think of my fellow man quite a bit. This does not make me superior, in any way - it just makes me mindful. I tend to think too, having been a counselor - I so often ponder what other's think. In all reality - I tend to think TOO much, whether or not that be about life, people, circumstances, ideals, etc. I've written before about my intellect being my undoing. However, this has gotten some better because of Jesus.
I found myself yesterday at the bottom of an emotional abyss. That deep, empty, emotional place where you are ultra alone - and you are most definitely aware of your plight . As Doc tells me, "you are alone Gina", and he doesn't say this to be cruel, it's just the facts. The real problem here, is how to find a solution. What I have arrived at after lending myself to volunteer at (at least) five different agencies - to no avail - I don't have an answer. Life these days is just difficult. I believe that it's going to keep being difficult - and only going to get worse because of technology. I'm not one to find texting - nor even phone calls that particularly stimulating as being with people face to face. That's just me. I have no problem admitting I need people. It's not a bad thing - I think we all do. An I think too, that this is a huge problem with the human race - people will not admit their needs, or short comings. Everyone wants to be or have superpowers. Invincible. Nothing wrong here!! I got my phone!!!!!
How ultimately sad. Sad that a piece of machinery is or has become so important. A lifeline of sorts where human relations and relationship intimacy used to rein supreme. The dark forces of this world must really be loving it. It is the anthesis of human interaction, real friendships, connection -- real anything. It hurts my heart. I truly believe it will be our undoing.
I'm not blaming what I went through yesterday -- my loneliness --nor the lack of connection that I have on technology. I do however, believe it plays a part. Some of what I go through is simply because people don't do what they say that they're going to do -- which is as old as time it's self --- be a person of your word. Because if your not, you're nothing. Our word is all that we have. Stand by it as if you didn't you were going to die. Purposely touch other peoples lives. It's part of what we're here for. We're not here to just fulfill our own desires and each and every whim that comes to mind. Be kind and considerate to your fellow man. Remember do unto others as you would have them do unto you??? Think about someone besides yourself every once in a while. Doing, giving, and being present for others can totally open new and wonderful doors of your own life. Plus it can give you a totally fresh perspective. One that you'll never get if you never reach out and stretch yourself.
Most of all, reach out. All of us know that certain someone that has few family members, and a small group of friends up which they depend upon. If you say you're going to do something with them - follow through, if you can't, let them know. That's just basic respect. It goes both ways. Be that person that can be counted on. You'll make a huge difference in people's lives.
In the big schema of things we all just want to know that we matter.
God Bless ----- Thanks for reading.
Tuesday, August 8, 2017
It's been a minute since I've written. It amazes me that even when I don't seek out God, and I'm lazy in my pursuit of Him - he yet comes to meet me. I so often find things that are just for me, on the net - in books, in different forms of media when the holy spirit speaks directly to my spirt. I'm often overwhelmed with peace, a sense of assurance, and sometime immense joy - at and in awe of just how God speaks to me. I haven't been reading my daily readings. I don't have a good excuse. I'm a little bit afraid that I'm upset with God. I have a hankering that I'm upset because a specific prayer continues to be unanswered. I'm not 'purposely' upset - but it's like I can kind of feel a resentment building, and I cannot seem to stop it. I've been praying this particular prayer for several years now - and I know that God will answer it, it's just that it's such a painful thing. I've endured it about as long as it "feels" I can. I know that God full well knows my circumstance --- and He will do what He believes is best, I just have to have faith - and keep going. I will understand one day.
It's interesting that I arrived at understanding. Every last thing with me is about understanding. It was birthed from my childhood experiences. I couldn't understand why my mother did not love me, and I believed (boy did I) that if I could just know why--- I could accept it. Lots of humans dwell on the why's and where for's. Yet, understanding why something happened does not change the circumstance or alter the substance in any way. I used to ask a great deal of why questions. I finally stopped doing that. Now it's the need to fully comprehend everything. An, that's not what having faith is about. Sometimes life has to hit you between the eyes -- to help you see.
I actually stumbled across a post in Instagram that said "Understanding will never bring you peace." It was from the "Jesus Calling" a book of daily meditation by Sarah Young. It hit me right between the eyes. The passage kind of took my breath. It's so true. Understanding might give you a moment of illumination - but it doesn't bring peace. As far as I know, and I've been around some 55 years --- Jesus is my peace. He is the only thing that gives me peace.
I get so caught up in trying to figure this out, and figure that out -- that I forget who (whom?) my life force is directed from. An that is what I get for not reading my bible daily. An that is not a "have to do" thing -- please know -- my relationship with Jesus is much more out of love for Him, and a true natural desire to seek (and be in) His presence. I just adore how it happens --- if I can describe if successfully. When I am with Him, life is the stillest and most calm, serene place. He comes to meet me like a magnificent warmth, a treasured old friend, and a majestic force. Yet there is no sense of Him overtaking me, the atmosphere is so still and calm as the stillest of waters. At this precise moment I am whole. He is my All in All - and I am Him. Not in a grandiose way, but with all humility - and meekness. We are of one Spirit. It is unlike anything else, ever. I adore it, and I never want it to end. He is my strength, my courage, my hope, and my praise. I am able to pray unlike any other time, in spirit. I am in awe.
I don't know why (here I go again) I would not seek this all the time. We are funny human beings. We often run to what is bad, chaotic for us- and run away from what is wholesome -- don't ask me why. We're an odd lot. At least I know I am. I suppose when one grows up with such dysfunction -- love, connection, warmth, stillness, and hope are quite the opposite of what we seek. I am learning!!!
It's taking some time for this nose surgery to heal. The four hour surgery has taken it's toll on my body, I've been really tired as of late. The brain hasn't been affected too much--- of course, it's ever evolving but the body sure has been beaten up. It's been an ordeal going through it with not having the pain meds to match it --- but I made it. I was quite angry in the beginning - but I've worked through that too. There just is no point in being angry -- even if I do confront the Doctor -- nothing's going to change. I abhor, and I mean abhor people that are dead set against change. Life is change --- our cells renew ever 24 hours---- resistance to change is futile. Don't get me started. LOL
I am so grateful for the messages that God sends me. It makes me feel special - and I don't have much of that in my life. I didn't matter when I was growing up ---- and I don't really matter much in this life. All I ever wanted to do what to help in the process of changing one person's life - and make a difference somehow. I've done that. It doesn't mean I'm done, because I'm not - obviously I wouldn't write if I didn't care. My life is just pretty small right now. It's okay - it's just a season. Seasons come and seasons go. It won't be like this forever.
Just remember understanding will not bring you peace, Jesus does that --- that's why the bible says - "Lean not unto you're own understanding'. We really know so little, but think that we know so much. We get so full of ourselves. An we humanize God. We need to stop doing this. He is so beyond our comprehension. We are but a dot on this little planet. Lest we forget.
God Bless YOU!