Thursday, August 24, 2017

Even though, Even if....

I love eagles. So majestic, so regal, so powerful.  I tend to think they're one of God's favorite creatures.  Being that eagles are mentioned in the Bible, it makes them just that much more of a magnificent animal to me.  I've seen a few of them in real life, and it was an amazing experience - one I'm not likely to forget anytime soon.  We have a place here where they like to soar, called Eagle Point.  The last time that I went there, for some reason it was inundated with them, flying, swooping overhead.  I didn't have a camera - but you can bet the memory is etched in and one I'm not likely to forget.

I am feeling better, by the grace of God, than I was the last time that I wrote.  I almost feel like apologizing for my last post - I was in such a deep depression.  It is difficult to look back now at where I was.  That particular Sunday felt like hitting a bottom emotionally, and I suppose that's what it was albeit, those types of things are never easy to admit.  We all have our "I can't take this any longer" - moments -- and that sure felt like that was mine.  Perhaps it was.  I hadn't exactly been taking the best possible care of myself - spiritually and when I don't things like that can happen.  Especially for those of us who's intellect runs amuck.  I'd just written that "understanding doesn't bring peace" -- but, that is taking its sweet time sinking in.   That concept is going to have to burn its way through because of my childhood coping skills.  Those pesky little devils that got me through then are now my own worst enemies now.  They're hard to shake.

I have recently become ultra aware of what damage our dream life (waking), inside our minds can do.        If one really thinks about this, we all live in (and continue to create), ongoing dreams of fantasy inside our minds.  This could be as simple as the dreams a young girl has when she meets her first "real" boyfriend, and the wishful fantasies of her wedding day - in high definition - inside her head.  Or it could be as simple as how we're going to make better choices with our spending habits - yet another dream, on our next payday.  If one thinks about it, our entire lives are completely consumed with envisioned, manufactured dreams.  When broken down to this level, it's really all about our hopes, and our wishes, of what we desire.  I dare to contend, it's a trap, a mental trap.

I recently attempted, one last time - and I do mean LAST time -- internet dating.  I went through a reputable site, one that I believed could be trusted.  I've (despairingly I say) had some bad experiences in past with online ventures - and I've had some good - so it's really been about 50/50.  I thought to myself, what's it going to hurt, one last time?  So off I ventured.  I placed an ad, and immediately had responses.  There seems to always be several men willing and interested in a woman such as myself -- most I  don't care to respond to.  This time one shining star - lept out.  He and I started conversating, quite intensely.  We corresponded for quite a while.  

Of course, it ended up that he wasn't real.  I thank God and only God that I'd protected the deepest part of myself from ultimately becoming engaged emotionally with him.  However, I did created many a dream.  As with any of us, the end of the correspondence meant the end of the dreams. Ending said dreams albeit with a real human being or one you're not sure of -- is a death of an idea, and a grieving we need to attend to.   Because we had our hopes and our visions wrapped up in these ideals, the letting go process needs to take place on some level in order for us to be honorable to ourselves.   Yes, one might say that they were merely thoughts, but they were thoughts enhanced with feelings, a hope, and a vision.  Depending on just how much of any of those three things depends upon how hard the "little death" will be.  For this is what happens when our dreams die.  I tend to think that people do not like to pay homage or respect to their dreams,  but I contend that it is the only emotionally respectful thing to do.  Otherwise, we're leaving things undone and not respecting our journies.

I particularly want to thank God.  First and foremost because He is the front, center, and the guiding force of my life.  I fell prey to my depression on my last post and I am apologetic for this.  My faith was not where and with whom it should have been.  Yes, this is a lean season for me right now -- but this is all that it is, a season.  "This too shall pass." I know in my heart of hearts this to be true.  My God never forsakes me. Just never, period.  It is I that pulls away from Him - and it is always, always my undoing.  Hope that is seen, is not hope.  We as humans want what we want, and we want it now. I'm as guilty as anyone of this.

God's timing - well I tend to think that God knows no time.  Perhaps a thousand years is a day.  We do not know.  What I am sure of, He has me in the palm of His hand.  Everything that is happening in my life - is so for a reason.  Trust, faith, patience, all concepts that aren't in accordance with human nature.  We are greedy, needy, ego centric beings, even when we try really hard not to be.  I'm rethinking this deal.  I may pull away in despair at times, feeling defeated - but you know what?  He is still ever so near me.  I can (and will) get through this.   I just happen to know --- who holds my future.  

"For all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God, that is in Christ Jesus our Lord!"
Romans 8:37-38 NIV

I hope you enjoy the video - please listen, it's so good.  God Bless all of you --- May God make a way in your lives where there was none, and may His mighty favor see you safely through this life!!!


Monday, August 14, 2017

Thoughts on loneliness

I don't know if I've ever written about how utterly devastating the emptiness that I feel at times because of the depth of separation I have from human beings.  I believe that I have shared some about my plight, but I do not think that I have gotten gut level honest -- as I am about to do right now.  In many aspects, it is embarrassing to admit, painful to acknowledge, and completely humbling to bring into the light.  I cannot even say with full clarity what my intentions are, nor what my motives might in sharing these brutal truths, other than the possibility of the chance that someone, somewhere connecting - or finding some sort of solace through the the utterance of my words.  Although writing is therapeutic for me, my hearts greatest desire is to engage someone's life - to encourage, enlighten, or lend hope.  However, at this particular juncture --- hope is not the highest of emotional positions of which I stand today.  I apologize ahead of time for this, I would just ask for to be allowed to be fully human and accepted right where I am.  I assure you, I would gladly do the same for you.  Know this.

I spent the biggest part of the day yesterday curled up, in a semi-fetal position sobbing.  An before anyone proceeds to gather - no, I was not indeed, merely feeling sorry for myself.  I rarely allow feelings of self-pity to take up residence in me, and the reason being is because I cannot emotionally afford it.  My plight in this life is to live with chronic, sometimes unbearable physical pain -- 24 hours - 7 days a week.  I have multiple conditions, issues that cause chronic/acute pain that I am powerless over.  This existence is not compatible with self-pity.  I just cannot allow myself to venture into that territory.  I would stay high on some sort of drug consistently if I did -- and I would have the perfect excuse, it's not like my disease doesn't whisper such entitlement in my ear as it stands.

However, yesterday was a day of emotional darkness like I hadn't felt in a long time.  If people even knew the degree of devastation and barrenness that my mind can take me to - my life would be different.  My lifelong friend did call - and her timing was perfect - she said that she just felt the need to see how I was dong.  God bless her, because I was not doing well, at all.  She said that she "just had a sense", and she sensed correctly - because I was engaged in some pretty foul thinking, as well as crying quite hard.  Her call helped me immensely.

I do not believe that we are meant to be nor exist on this planet alone.  I fully believe to do so is indeed, extremely painful.  I have yet to understand how it can be that I do have friends that know my plight - yet do not reach out to me more often.  That is not a judgment - it is merely a query.  I full well know that most folks focus in life is 97% - inward.  To me, that's a really scary thing.  I would really hate to be that self-absorbed.  I'm not certain if because of how I grew up --- having to be always on guard, and ultra hyper-aware in regards to my mother's mood swings, her actions, and her rages...but I think of my fellow man quite a bit.  This does not make me superior, in any way - it just makes me mindful.  I tend to think too, having been a counselor - I so often ponder what other's think.    In all reality - I tend to think TOO much, whether or not that be about life, people, circumstances, ideals, etc.  I've written before about my intellect being my undoing.  However, this has gotten some better because of Jesus.

I found myself yesterday at the bottom of an emotional abyss.  That deep, empty, emotional place where you are ultra alone - and you are most definitely aware of your plight .  As Doc tells me, "you are alone Gina", and he doesn't say this to be cruel, it's just the facts.  The real problem here, is how to find a solution.  What I have arrived at after lending myself to volunteer at (at least) five different agencies - to no avail - I don't have an answer.  Life these days is just difficult.  I believe that it's going to keep being difficult - and only going to get worse because of technology.  I'm not one to find texting - nor even phone calls that particularly stimulating as being with people face to face.  That's just me.  I have no problem admitting I need people.  It's not a bad thing - I think we all do.  An I think too, that this is a huge problem with the human race - people will not admit their needs, or short comings.  Everyone wants to be or have superpowers.  Invincible. Nothing wrong here!!  I got my phone!!!!!

How ultimately sad.  Sad that a piece of machinery is or has become so important.  A lifeline of sorts where human relations and relationship intimacy used to rein supreme.  The dark forces of this world must really be loving it.  It is the anthesis of human interaction, real friendships, connection -- real anything.  It hurts my heart.  I truly believe it will be our undoing.

I'm not blaming what I went through yesterday -- my loneliness --nor the lack of connection that I have on technology.  I do however, believe it plays a part.  Some of what I go through is simply because people don't do what they say that they're going to do -- which is as old as time it's self --- be a person of your word.  Because if your not, you're nothing. Our word is all that we have.  Stand by it as if you didn't you were going to die.  Purposely touch other peoples lives.  It's part of what we're here for.  We're not here to just fulfill our own desires and each and every whim that comes to mind.  Be kind and considerate to your fellow man.  Remember do unto others as you would have them do unto you???  Think about someone besides yourself every once in a while.  Doing, giving, and being present for others can totally open new and wonderful doors of your own life.  Plus it can give you a totally fresh perspective.  One that you'll never get if you never reach out and stretch yourself.

Most of all, reach out.  All of us know that certain someone that has few family members, and a small group of friends up which they depend upon.  If you say you're going to do something with them - follow through, if you can't, let them know.  That's just basic respect.  It goes both ways.  Be that person that can be counted on.  You'll make a huge difference in people's lives.

In the big schema of things we all just want to know that we matter.

God Bless ----- Thanks for reading.


Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Still Waters

It's been a minute since I've written.  It amazes me that even when I don't seek out God, and I'm lazy in my pursuit of Him - he yet comes to meet me.  I so often find things that are just for me, on the net - in books, in different forms of media when the holy spirit speaks directly to my spirt.  I'm often overwhelmed with peace, a sense of assurance, and sometime immense joy - at and in awe of just how God speaks to me.  I haven't been reading my daily readings.  I don't have a good excuse.  I'm a little bit afraid that I'm upset with God.  I have a hankering that I'm upset because a specific prayer continues to be unanswered.  I'm not 'purposely' upset - but it's like I can kind of feel a resentment building, and I cannot seem to stop it.  I've been praying this particular prayer for several years now - and I know that God will answer it, it's just that it's such a painful thing.  I've endured it about as long as it "feels" I can.  I know that God full well knows my circumstance --- and He will do what He believes is best, I just have to have faith - and keep going.  I will understand one day.

It's interesting that I arrived at understanding.  Every last thing with me is about understanding.  It was birthed from my childhood experiences.  I couldn't understand why my mother did not love me, and I believed (boy did I) that if I could just know why--- I could accept it.  Lots of humans dwell on the why's and where for's.  Yet, understanding why something happened does not change the circumstance or alter the substance in any way.  I used to ask a great deal of why questions.  I finally stopped doing that.  Now it's the need to fully comprehend everything.  An, that's not what having faith is about.  Sometimes life has to hit you between the eyes -- to help you see.

I actually stumbled across a post in Instagram that said "Understanding will never bring you peace." It was from the "Jesus Calling" a book of daily meditation by Sarah Young.  It hit me right between the eyes.   The passage kind of took my breath.   It's so true.  Understanding might give you a moment of illumination - but it doesn't bring peace.  As far as I know, and I've been around some 55 years --- Jesus is my peace.  He is the only thing that gives me peace.

I get so caught up in trying to figure this out, and figure that out -- that I forget who (whom?) my life force is directed from.  An that is what I get for not reading my bible daily.  An that is not a "have to do" thing -- please know -- my relationship with Jesus is much more out of love for Him, and a true natural desire to seek (and be in) His presence.  I just adore how it happens --- if I can describe if successfully.  When I am with Him, life is the stillest and most calm, serene place.  He comes to meet me like a magnificent warmth, a treasured old friend, and a majestic force.  Yet there is no sense of Him overtaking me, the atmosphere is so still and calm as the stillest of waters.  At this precise moment I am whole.  He is my All in All - and I am Him.  Not in a grandiose way, but with all humility - and meekness.  We are of one Spirit.  It is unlike anything else, ever.  I adore it, and I never want it to end.  He is my strength, my courage, my hope, and my praise.  I am able to pray unlike any other time, in spirit.  I am in awe.

I don't know why (here I go again) I would not seek this all the time.  We are funny human beings.  We often run to what is bad, chaotic for us- and run away from what is wholesome -- don't ask me why.  We're an odd lot.  At least I know I am.  I suppose when one grows up with such dysfunction -- love, connection, warmth, stillness, and hope are quite the opposite of what we seek.  I am learning!!!

It's taking some time for this nose surgery to heal.  The four hour surgery has taken it's toll on my body,  I've been really tired as of late.  The brain hasn't been affected too much--- of course, it's ever evolving but the body sure has been beaten up.  It's been an ordeal going through it with not having the pain meds to match it --- but I made it.  I was quite angry in the beginning - but I've worked through that too.  There just is no point in being angry -- even if I do confront the Doctor -- nothing's going to change.  I abhor, and I mean abhor people that are dead set against change.  Life is change --- our cells renew ever 24 hours---- resistance to change is futile.  Don't get me started.  LOL

I am so grateful for the messages that God sends me.  It makes me feel special - and I don't have much of that in my life.  I didn't matter when I was growing up ---- and I don't really matter much in this life.  All I ever wanted to do what to help in the process of changing one person's life - and make a difference somehow.  I've done that.  It doesn't mean I'm done, because I'm not - obviously I wouldn't write if I didn't care.  My life is just pretty small right now.  It's okay - it's just a season.  Seasons come and seasons go.  It won't be like this forever.

Just remember understanding will not bring you peace, Jesus does that --- that's why the bible says - "Lean not unto you're own understanding'.  We really know so little, but think that we know so much.  We get so full of ourselves.  An we humanize God.  We need to stop doing this.  He is so beyond our comprehension.  We are but a dot on this little planet.  Lest we forget.

God Bless YOU!