Saturday, December 30, 2017

Extraction of Thought


 Life is either a daring adventure or nothing – Helen Keller.


I feel exhilarated at this moment.  I have been through a difficult patch and it isn't over quite yet.  This last few months have been the most heart wrenching that I have experienced since my father passed in 2010.  I do not admit that light of heart.  My experiences with human beings is and will more than likely continue to be a learning process.  Allowing people into your life- and the acceptance of this risk is and will always be something that I will weight consequences of differently now- and for the rest of my life.  From this moment on.  I am not the kind of person that experience intense closeness and radical loss well at all.  It is extremely difficult for my psyche.  I have no idea what kind of person this makes me, and I really don't care - I write in hopes of someone possibly learning something from my journey, not to be judged by it.  I am the type of person that does apply themselves with their best intentions.  I miss the mark, plenty of times, however, I do try to be a better version of myself than I was the day before.   I often am misaligned and go astray but I do my utmost and I  have good intentions.  I'm probably rambling.  Forgive me.  I've much on my mind.

If you've ever noticed - the expression of a seed is absolutely beyond our comprehension ---it is an amazing thing.  It literally explodes in coming to life.  I love the above saying, I have ever since I set eyes on it.  It's very true.  Change often brings chaos.  We can easily (or I can) lose my way in the attempt to find a new or better way of thinking - perceiving - or just being.  I know for myself, anytime I step out into unfamiliar territory, unchartered waters - I encounter resistance often - and fear.  Vulnerability will raise its ugly head.  It is strange sometimes for me, I can want the change or the acceptance quite much but I will still have resistant thoughts of why I can't do it or why I shouldn't.  Change can often be so daunting- even good change.  All of it produces stress.  We are such creatures of habit.  Any deviation from our norm and our minds as well as our emotions - revolt.  Mine do.  I've also seen many clients when I was working in addiction have the same types of responses.  Resistance always surprised me, especially when it was welcomed change.  It is as if we don't trust our own choices and there is a lash back from our inner knowing.  Like "who's driving here??" "Do you really know what you're doing?"  We distrust our own choices and have second doubts.   We actually fight our own intuition.    This is our ultimate inner guide.  But what do we do?  Distrust it.   What is so sad for those of us that are Christian --- it is our intuition -- but for me, it is also the Holy Spirit guiding me.  Could there be anything MORE ACCURATE???   For crying out loud.

My beloved Pastor of five years --(some time ago now) used to talk about this being our "red light, green light, system of knowing."  It was so tenderly stated as God's traffic system for us to know when to go and when not to make decisions in life via our intuition - and the Holy Spirit inside of those of us who accept Christ as our Savior.   The really insane thing is -- I can sometimes push past, an resist even this.  That is crazy.  But I have done it -- I hope I am not alone here.  The is totally where free will rubber hits the road.  We all have the ultimate choice over what we decide to do and why.  Or what we decide not to do or with whom.  I have helped people that I knew at the time either they were partially lying, or at least of all not being fully forthright with me.  It's my choice.  I've also watched closely as I felt another person's feelings and have fully known how they felt -- and have them flat out deny it.  It's a trip. Sometimes people cannot accept how they feel.  They won't because it either isn't familiar or isn't appropriate - or whatever.  However, I can almost always detect other's emotions.  It's a gift that God gave me.   I've been verbally attacked over the information before, and various other things.  I have wished a few times that I did not possess such a gift.  Sometimes it's a knowing that hurts your heart.  Especially when you know in your heart of hearts someone truly cares for you and they end up walking away.  That hurts more than one can imagine unless you've experienced it for yourself.  Even understanding doesn't bring peace, I've shared this with you all -- and it especially does not bring peace to the heart.  I have peace in my heart because of Jesus - don't get me wrong - but when you love someone so much that you don't even understand it yourself it is haunting.  It's a lot like a piercing in your heart that just won't heal.  Somehow it cannot.  You aren't sure how it got there, to begin with, any clue how to remove it, or where to go for help. Also what I understand about the heart is that it wants what it wants and it cares little about rules, regulations, fines, fees, or anything of this matter.  The heart really doesn't care who gets hurt in order for it to get what it needs.  It says in the Bible the heart is a deceiver.  I believe this.  It's really kind of scary.  But what I do know most -- is when I love someone wholeheartedly it's pretty much a lifetime deal.  I don't do that lightly and it seems to happen of its own accord.  However, I can affect its healing process.

I have been all over the place tonight guys, forgive me.  I have been off kilter for awhile - but there is hope!!!  I am coming back to center.  I feel it.  Things are going more in the right direction.  I have quite a few financial problems right now - but it either will or won't work out.  But I just got to do an amazing thing for someone and I feel good about what I was able to do.  It was from my heart.  I don't even care if it was appreciated if there was gratitude -- all that is completely out of my hands!!! The outcome means little.  I mean - what feelings were involved about what I did.  I did what I did out of the goodness of my heart - and I gave out of my lack.  That is what my Jesus would do.  I love every last thing about that.  With all my heart.  If it never comes back --- so be it.  I could care less.  I have made enough mistakes in my lifetime and I have recently hurt people that I love out of my inability to focus and THINK about what I was doing BEFORE I did what I did.  It wasn't even like me.  So I'm dealing with that behavior.  I don't like hurting people, I can't hardly deal with hurting people I love.  This is incomprehensible to me.  Losing all self-awareness is frightening.  Getting caught up in your emotions to the point where you do not think about the consequences of your actions???  There are no words.  Ineffable. Unexcusable.

I've never needed anyone to give me constructive feedback.  I have a committee of experts that live in my head that live for just that prime opportunity --- day in, day out.  Do You?  I always have.  It started with good old mom.  But you know what?  I fired the whole lot of them!  Gave them the rest of their lives off.  I don't need them anymore.  Actually never did.   Please do not think that what I am saying is that I am never wrong - or will never listen to feedback -- far from that.  No, indeed.  My main concern in life is not who is right - but what is right.  Therein lies the humble in humility.  That I like.  There is no big me, little anybody.

Forgive my feeblemindedness this time.  I did have a method to my madness.  I wanted to share about change.  I did.  I can tell we're close to a full moon.  It always kind of upsets my spirit.  I read something to the effect of it's going to be another super moon and also some kind of Wolf moon?   Who knows.  I do know that we're steady approaching a brand new year.  I don't know how I feel about this just yet.  I'm not sure (like it matters) I am ready yet.  I guess it doesn't much matter it is going to come in regardless.  I am always hopeful.

I cannot recall if I shared with you all about Quora?  I have quite a reputation there now.  I have answered many, many questions.  I love it.  I have something along the lines of 11.7 k views on my answers?  They like my answers, they request my answers.  It's really cool.  Go and check out my profile if you'd like.  Ask a question - if you want.  You can request for me to answer or leave it open for anyone.  I mostly do Psychology, grief, counseling, life experience, addiction, stuff like that.  OH!!  I'm very excited too ---- I submitted my blog to a bigger writers blog - who is looking for budding writers.   I submitted the blog I have that has been read the most - like almost 1,000 times.  Who'd a thunk it?  Little ole me.  Life is amazing - most of the time!!!  Live it, give it your best shot.


This is my musical tribute to the upcoming year 2018.  This is my girl and this is my song.  It's not just for me,  let it empower us all.  

I AM SUPERWOMAN, YES I AM, YES SHE IS...
EVEN WHEN I'M  MESS, I STILL PUT ON MY VEST, WITH AN "S" ON MY CHEST 
OH YES, 
BECAUSE...
I'M A SUPERWOMAN -- YES I AM!!!! YEAH!


Happy New Years!! 
Please Be Safe 
Talk to you soon,

G.
     





Saturday, December 23, 2017

From Inside The Pain



Like sweet nectar from heaven - this woman conveys heart piercing emotion with the soulfulness of her luscious voice.  Adele has probably made as much of an impact upon my life with a song - or at the very least she is really high on the scale of vocalists who have the utmost ability to transform me ultimately to musical nirvana.  The power that she embodies - ineffable.  It amazes and I am in such awe of the power music has to quicken - as well as overtake, our mind, heart, our souls.



This song speaks for me today.  It speaks to me.  It is an anthem at a time, in a season if you will, of my life when so much emotion exists that I am completely unable to discern one from the other.  I will confess readily that the greatest of them all is the intense emotional pain.  Grief, anguish, anxiety-- and that just is to name a few.  When I am able to think - which seems to be a rarity as of late --- I have such an overwhelming desire to go home.  The difficulty wherein this lies -- because I do not actually have a place to call home.  Oh, there's this building that houses my things - but it isn't what I remember home feeling like, at all.  Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the apartment, it's quite nice - but it is a far cry from being a home.  It is a dwelling that contains my belongings, and I do find rest as well as a safety here.  However, it is lacking the warmth, comfort, contentment, and most of all companionship as well as gatherings of deeply loved humans.  I think this is what home is mostly like.  Mine is not. However, I thank Jesus I have a roof (a good solid, warm, safe) over my head, the rent is paid --- an everything in it is mine.  Praise God! It just not like I remember nor in my heart of heart's desire.  

Nothing in my life at this very moment is like I desire.  Absolutely nothing.  I know that pain has no memory and I praise God for this.  Emotional pain is kind of different.  We do, I believe recall the trials in life that we go through - but I still believe that if we truly work thoroughly through the grief --- the memory is and should not be so painful.  I will be enormously beyond grateful when this war that is raging inside of me is past.  Never have I had a season quite like this.  It seems like no matter what I do, no matter where I turn, who I encounter - the end result is pain.  I'm hurting people that I love.  I'm hurting people that I try to help.  Everything I seem to encounter ends up in anguish.  I -----yes me, I cannot even talk to God right now.  I can't read my bible - I cannot read my Jesus Calling book-  it's like I'm either so full of sorrow or I am just dead inside.  Like there is so much emotion and I cannot handle it --- or "hello, anybody home?"  I do not know this type of season in life, I have never been here before.  At least I don't recall it. If I have been here ---- I kind of would like to remember because I could use the coping skills.  Big time.  Please know I am not writing looking for pity nor anyone to feel sorry for me --- I do not feel sorry for myself.  I've told all of you before - self-pity to me is an ugly, nasty, entity.  I just won't allow it.  Nope.  Not going there.  We play with the hand of cards we have been dealt.  We do the best we can with what we have----period.  Yeah, this sucks.  There has been many ---- and I mean MANY days I have cried ALL day.  So?




I don't really find myself to be someone that wallows in crap for long.  The reason I do allow myself to feel even though all of you know I'd rather cut my nose off to spite my face than go through this--  That junk just isn't my thing.  But you know what?  We are sometimes, unfortunately--- humans.  As uncomfortable as this can be to wear this skin suit... it's just how it is.  Do I sometimes rebel?  I think everyone knows the answer to that.  I think we all do.  I mean who in their right mind would want to feel horribly intense emotional pain or grief?  You'd have to be neurotic.   

I am not certain how, or why, nor when this   --- well I wrote that then it dawned on me.  I was going to say I didn't know how I am able to pick myself back up--- but I do.  It's God.  I'm just in so much awful pain right now and if I know anything ------that kind of pain will make us feel separate ourselves from God.  I'm not certain why this happens, however, I know that it does.  I have been through it before.  That pain somehow blocks our ability to sense God.  It's the easiest time in our lives to blame God (we all need a scapegoat) and He is really handy.  Most folks (I say most.. I don't typically know) don't understand the Word of God --- and won't read it.  It's our handbook for life.  It's the only book I know of in which speaks directly to the heart --- and is fully alive.  (Thank You, Jesus!!!)

I do not and I mean I DO NOT lose people well.  I have reasons for this.  Lots of reasons.  If I love them deeply, and what I mean by deeply - it doesn't even have to be a romantic kind of situation.  Loosing a treasured longtime friend will devastate me.  I am just the type of person that doesn't trust for a long time but when the bond has taken place and for reason, x,y, z...a person walks away, it devastates me.   Perhaps this makes me an oddball - its okay with me.  Hey, I know myself.  I'm pretty proud of the work it has taken to get where I am.  I have worked my ass off to get here.  It matters little to me who approves, or who does not.  It wasn't their journey.  As far as I am concerned, if you haven't walked down my path --- you have no business or right to judge my journey. I would not judge yours.  

An awful lot tumbled out today.  I so appreciate those of you that finished this blog.  You don't know what it means to me.  I thoroughly enjoy sharing my life with those of that chose to read the blog.  You have no way of know how this helps me.  My grandest aspiration, my highest hope - is for someone to find something to relate to - or that inspires them through my quest.  Life is difficult - I earnestly believe we were put on this earth to help each other along in our daily plight for whatever it is that the individual ultimately seeks -- be that success, love, peace, contentment...  It is or can be endless the desires of the heart.  For me, as an individual, there are several things that ultimately fulfill me.   A vast piece of that is to dispense hope and to have that hope empower another individual to know that they too can do that thing that they dream of doing.  

If I don't write again before the holiday, I want to sincerely wish everyone lot, and lots of love - hugs, kisses and special wishes-- may all your dreams come true.  

Love, Light, and Grace always!!!

Gina



   




   

   

   

Sunday, December 10, 2017

Love's Brutal Passage



"BEING MUST BE FELT IT CANNOT BE THOUGHT"


Forgive me for quoting Eckhart again -- but it just is right where I am.

I have a great many things on my mind tonight - today has been a day of grand discovery.  Enlightenment comes with a price and I've endured its passage into an understanding with brings forth some freedom.  Oh, what I have been through.

It isn't always my first nature to do what's in my best interest.  Hell, I don't always even know what's in my best interest.  More often times than not -- I make the wrong choice -- all the while believing in my heart -- (and hoping) I'm doing the right thing.  My greatest aim I suppose one could say is to be as real with people as I know how.  Especially people that are really important to me.  Even in this attempt, I screw up.  I "miss the mark".  Sometimes horribly.  Sometimes I suffer grave consequences.   Like I just did.  You know what is so amazing about this?  I am always attempting to do the right thing.  Most of the time.  I have this self-propeller inside of me that just won't quit.  Even if I mess up for a while -- it just resets.  I get right back up and am drawn towards wholeness again.

Risks, mistakes, failure, all of this things are catalysts for change.  If we never risk, or we never fail miserably -- we never grow.  I made an awful mistake -- in an attempt trying to understand something that was happening to me, I messed up and man did I bear the consequences.  It's okay, it could have been handled better - much better - however, I have arrived where I am supposed to arrive.  Not that I had help from where I should have had help.  There is nothing like having the foundation of your very being pulled right out from underneath you. That is exactly what happened to me these last few weeks.  I was brutally separated from the axis of my mental, emotional, and psychological well-being.  Much unlike a building having its foundation ripped out - yet, it's expected to still stand.  Just like before. The bulldozer came through - with little or no warning and ripped out my foundation (judging me while doing so) and leaving the building of my life to attempt to stand in its shattered state.  Oh, I was given a tooth-pick for structure relief.  No explanations, and no contract for reconstruction.

So.  I have been living in a wrecked, demolished, collapsed, unhinged, and empty place.  There has been more shocks, more leveling, and it has been a very destitute place to reside.  When you thought your structure was built with love, trust, and acceptance -- destroyed is a difficult transition.  It is a shock that reaches the depths of your soul.  The thing is that the bulldozer could have been diverted, it could have been called off.  If only there had been some understanding and acceptance of how people heal.  The process by which they can understand, accept and grow.

Healing is one of the most beautiful things I have ever (and will ever) witness.  I and I say this with all humility - have been so divinely blessed to have witnessed the healing process - right before my very eyes.  It is of the miraculous.  It is indescribable.  The closest that I could ever get to its majesty would be if we could actually see a flower bloom.  An at that - I butcher it.  It is ineffable.  When I speak of such things, I am so filled with gratitude for the gifts that God has given me.  Those times in my life that I will cherish until the day that I die.  But there is also in me, a healing place.  A place that is yet so wounded.  So wounded because of the brutality of these last few weeks.  I have been left brutally alone.  Because of a mistake, I made trying to understand.  Trying to understand something I felt that I did not fully understand in its transition.


Love is a delicate an beautiful thing.  It is often confusing and easy to misunderstand.  Love in my life has always had an equal and a frightening slice of hatred combined.  This is what you get when you grow up with an unstable parent.  Things are NOT what they seem.  Not at all, and you'd better understand that first and foremost.  It makes it really hard to trust what you feel.  Even when you "think" you are certain.  As strong as I am now -- I still get that stuff wrong.  Especially when it comes to love.  If anything will confuse me, it's love.  I am actually kind of afraid of it.  If I am honest.  Taking risks in that arena - is paramount for me.  I don't do it very often.  It's quite rare.

What I have discovered is that for love to exist several elements have to be present.  If a person is so inclined and all of these elements are in place- if love is allowed to establish itself safely, to be built, flourish, as well as grow - it abounds.  I've been privy to such environments in my life.  Not as long as I perhaps would have liked, but we ultimately receive what we're meant.  Loving people has been a challenge in my lifetime.  As I have healed so has my ability to give and receive love.  It is still at times confusing for me and I get tangled up.  I know that it is because I feel things so deeply.  I can feel the love that others have for me, as well as the love that I have for them.

The absolute most beautiful gift that I have received up until this very moment, is the ability to love myself.  It's been bought with great pain.  There is still much pain.  But I do understand.  I understand that I had to feel it into being. Sometimes it is through loves witness that we see and learn to love ourselves.


Thank you, Father, for answered prayer.

Sunday, December 3, 2017

The Struggle of Powerlessness

Without Love, there is no change.



I love Marianne Williamson.  I've stated it many times before she has irrevocably, touched my life.  From the times that I was in St. Paul, Minnesota when I went to "A Course In Miracles" meetings and dove into her writings - I fell in love with the way she thinks. I've read four of her books I think and passed many to friends.  "The Gift of Change" is a lovely place to start if anyone is interested, I think it can be purchased fairly inexpensively on Amazon-- used - that is where I usually go for mine.  

I've prayed this prayer.  I've prayed many prayers in one of Marianne's "Illuminata" prayer books.  Her's are out of this hemisphere.  To me,  her words, are like velvet, they just must be preciousness to God's heart. I know that the experience that I have had with prayer is just beyond words.  I will tell anyone, anywhere, about prayer in my life.  God is fulfilling prayer in my life right now.  I am healing.  Know that.  Healing does not come e x e p t and ONLY through pain.  This my friends is what it is to grow.  As to my comprehension and experience with life thus far - equals making it further down the path towards wholeness.  

The truth of it all is that I'm really hurting.  More than I ever knew that I could.  I think each time we go through deep grief, I don't know but it seems to get worse.  All I know is the deeper you loved, the harder you grieve.  The depth of the loss is the recovery you have to attain.  Sometimes I get angry because I have certainly been through enough for my lifetime and then some.  I decided today - no more.  This heart is closed for business.  I'm not loving people anymore.  It's just too difficult.  This heart is officially chrome plated. 

Losing people is a natural part of life. I completely understand this, and I can mentally conceptualize it.  If only I was allowed to just stop right there.   Life would be grand!

I've shared with you guys I don't particularly (I mean who does?) enjoy the emotional pain in life.  I tried every last thing I could, to avoid it.  Sometimes I still do.  However, emotions are with us - and a part of us for reasons.  It's mostly for me, that I grew up in such high stress and powerlessness.  There was a lot of fear and uncertainty too.  There's nothing like being bombarded with all of that when you are a child with no one to turn to for love, or nurturing.  When what you get consistently are rejection and disdain.  It is impossible to form a sense of self without comfort and security.   It is maddening.  I've shared with you all before about my childhood.  I have learned how to manage my emotions to the best of my ability, the best way that I know how.  It's been a long, hard, arduous road.   I cannot even put into words my journey, it's just too much. Right now anyway.   I have faith that one day, I'll find the words, and be able to. I always have hope.  If it is meant to be for me to bring forth fruit by my sharing a message like that, the Holy Spirit will speak through me.  I have complete confidence.  

Growth takes much out of you.  And you make mistakes.  Old mistakes.  The kind that you full well know are coping skills that don't work.  I do not know what it is in me that makes me keep trying to do the same damn thing over and over when I know the result.  Yet, there I go.  I even know all of the underlying motivating factors that propel me towards these actions.  I know the damned outcome.  But what do I do?  Yep.  I truly think - or at least my pastor did that its kind of similar to something that (and please don't think I'm comparing myself (gosh) the Apostle Paul struggled with - he called it - a thorn in his side.  He struggled with being liked, just like we all do.  This particular part of his personality would lend him to make choices that didn't sit well with his heart.  Sometimes our desires and needs get conflicted along with our idea's or beliefs.  We're in a juxtaposition.  It can be torture emotionally depending on the circumstances.  

Living life in balance - and in alignment with our values, beliefs, goals, aspirations ... Can be tiring.  I know exactly why Jesus said, "My peace, I give unto you".  I'm pretty sure that is from John - not sure just where but I've read it many times - and I adore it every time.  I don't know about anyone else, but there's just no way I could make it through this without God.  I know I still don't have the relationship with Him that I want, need, or desire.  It's because of me, not Him.  See, I prayed for this pain.  When I prayed for the healing.  Because one does not come, without the other.  It's just all I know.  

God placed this individual in my life to heal me.  Because I ask Him to.  I did not know how, when, through what means, how long, or how I'd feel... I knew none of that.  However, it was a beautiful, stressful, complicated, fulfilling, -- journey.  Everything is a journey --- unless you refuse to take the turn.  I may be encountering grief, but know it's encased with emeralds and rubies.  I will emerge from the grip of this grief a changed woman.  My heart.  Be still.

Thank You, Jesus, for life.  Breath, and pain.  

With my deepest gratitude.  Eternally.



   



Chemicals no longer needed.

  I agree with this wholeheartedly.   I'm going on day three... of little sleep, I'm in a transition with my depression medications....