Monday, February 26, 2018

Accepted as You Are





I've not laid finger to this keyboard in some time.  In all reality -- I don't think that I have been truly honest with myself about everything that I have gone through.  Sometimes - it just seems impossible. I don't understand why people keep coming into my life to further abuse, steal, lie, and shatter my beliefs of the human spirit.  I really do not understand what it is that I am supposed to be learning here.  It is to me just more and more destruction, and I go further and further into depression - isolation and separation from God.  I have steadily been asking for what I need, but alas, it seems like as with the majority of my life -- I have no voice.  Not a voice that is being heard.

I am going to be very transparent with you all today - at risk of being judged.  I admit that this avenue, this method of communication helps me, and I truly hope that my journey somehow -- helps someone else, somehow.  I know that if I can struggle with these things, someone somewhere else, must be struggling with these issues as well.

Trust is one of my greatest issues.  After what took place with my therapist - as much as I hate to admit - an as crazy as it is to put in black and white-- I don't even now trust God.  Nor do I trust any human being.  I feel like this pawn that gets played, over and over -  in the game of life.  I have basically withdrawn from life itself.  I spend copious amounts of time alone - and although it disturbs me to a degree - for the most part -- I'm okay with it.  I don't even know that I have been allowing myself to feel things authentically as of late.  I did have a flash-back (and it was awful) a few weeks ago - and I have been trying to crawl out of this.  It was the first time that I have had one - that I was aware of at the time it was taking place.  It was surreal.  I am now 100% certain that I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I never really accepted the fact fully - I kind of gleaned over the idea -- but I now know for certain.  The classic "fallout" behaviors have given way as well.  I have been relapsing on and off for weeks.  I am ashamed to admit that - but at least I am admitting it.  In all actuality with what I have been through -- it is no wonder.  I am barely holding myself together it seems - this is certainly how it feels.  For the most part --I have just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up.

I apologize that I am not being my usual hope-filled self - please know that it isn't my aim in any way to discourage anyone.  The reason that I share is so that if anyone is experiencing what I am - they will know that they are not alone in this world with their suffering.  Anyone at anytime is welcome to connect with me through this blog.  It's always been possible.  Also, if anyone knows my writing - you will know that there is no way I'm going to end on a negative without any hope of a way or ways to surmount said issues.  I will always uncover hope, recovery, and miracles from somewhere.

When trust is severed with someone that you have given so much admiration to -- and placed so much faith in -- there is a great crack in your foundation.  This is what I feel.  Broken.  Again.  Another human was grossly disloyal - and basically betrayed me.  I understand that I am not supposed and the key word here is "supposed" to place that much faith in humans - I certainly know this unequivocally now.  I understand that I have attachment issues -- all of these things play a part in unison.  However, on a much grander scale -- I am learning that being in this world - and of this world is not what God designed for us.  I am also learning that this isn't the easiest thing to comprehend, and understand.  I have sought wholeness, healing, and sought this through psychology since I went to treatment in 1986.  I was given a new way to live - and it has saved my life.  Of course I would cling to it - like nothing else.  When given the choice between death or life, I think the majority of us would do whatever we had to do to live.

The Father's ways, timing, and thoughts, are not the same as ours.  But I do know that we're given signs and lessons -- messages along the way.  I have been so hurt, and very disillusioned.  I don't always see that I reach for humans often before I reach out to Jesus.  This for me is a thorn in my side.  I know from where it originated, however, these thorns that we bear - are often deeply rooted and difficult to remove.  Because I did not grow up with a solid foundation - until I finish the work set before me (or at least I think) my search and seek for attachment to another human will be an automated response for me.  I have learned a great deal - I now know and can sit back - access my behavior with full knowledge of why I did what I did, yet unable to choose differently yet.  With everything in my heart - I know the day is coming.

I have been looking to the wrong source for wholeness.  I have been looking and believing that the standards of this world were the accurate measure of the perception of balance, as well as mental health.  My beloved Pastor of past - Paul White has often shared with  me that I needed to rest in the goodness of God - and let Him do the work - and I knew that this meant that I needed to stop trying to fix myself.  I think I finally get this.  I have been so hardwired with the psychological aspect of it all - it's going to take me a little bit of time to engulf this.  In all reality -- it is about letting go of control.  Something that most of us struggle with -- for the sheer fact that we want to be in the drivers seat of our lives.  I know I do -- but then with everything that has happened in the last 6 months -- Father God is surely showing me what I get when I am.

I surely hope that this resonates with someone.  I am such a do it all -- or give up,  person.  I don't have much middle ground.  I struggle to find that happy medium.  I think we all do.

I know I have gifts that the Father has given me.  I know in my heart that He has something for me to do that only I can do.  I want that more than I want life itself.  To be about my Father's business.  I desire to bear fruit more than anything else in my life.  Truly I do.  But I know that if I cannot manage my own life, Jesus is not going to use me in anyone else's.  It matters little to me if I play a small role, or if it is something that gets noticed, I just want to do what my Father designed me to do.

I love God.  With all my heart.  Please know this.  I'm the one who fails.  I'm imperfect.  These things, these matters -- of the mind, and of the heart -- He is perfectly aware of.  The Father knows of struggle -- His own people did not accept Him.  He was rejected, beaten, humiliated, and the ultimate - He died so that we may live.  I know that the struggles that I go through are for my ultimate good.  I know this because what man uses for evil - God uses for good.

I will get back up on my spiritual feet.  I ask for your prayers right now.  If you would grant me this.  Just know there isn't ever a time that we cannot come to the Father ---and begin anew.  Regain our walk with the Lord.  Know it wasn't Him who left us - but us who left Him, He is just waitng for us to return.  To the path.  It matters not what you've done.  I promise He's already heard it, and He knew you were going to do it before you did.

Thank you Father Jesus, for loving me while in my humanness I struggle to trust you.  I know more than anything in my life, You understand.



Chemicals no longer needed.

  I agree with this wholeheartedly.   I'm going on day three... of little sleep, I'm in a transition with my depression medications....