Turning Points

Today is one one of the more painful days I've experienced in my life and so was yesterday.
Getting breath in and out has been a struggle.  Sleep as been illusive, I watched every hour go by like drops from a leaky faucet.  The last six months of life have been and are taking me to task at a place I'm not familiar with at all.  I am attempting to find myself in this rubble of what I thought was my life.  Partially deconstructed by choices I've made, and the rest?  If I'm honest with myself - the choices that were made were not made from my best sense of knowing.  Nope.  They were made out of loneliness, desperation, and dis-ease.  Choices made out of disquiet of the mind and a disheartened soul will not lead you to any sense of peace.  That is as much of any kind of sense I am able to make out of this unfamiliar place I find myself in.  Yet, here we all are -  in this separated, distant, and disconnected world acting as if nothing is wrong - that we are all "FINE",  when in reality there's few of us that are, we're just become good at faking it.  Some people can do that, day after day.  I cannot, I am far too sensitive and intense an individual to stuff all that inside day after day.  Neither of those characteristics make a person insane - although I sure have been treated as if I am plenty of times.  Matter of fact - I'm much more in-tune with reality than most, I feel everything, and then some.  The problems lie in the that those living in the haze of make-believe when challenged by the truth.  Ah, they'll say "the truth is relative", and deny it until the end, but for us old-souls, those who know what is by the senses of their spirits, denial is futile.  The greatest battle is with those in a position of authority when we are in an abusive situation, in harms way, or in need of someone to protect your life.

Emptiness and feelings of separation from other people were emotional circumstances I'd known my entire childhood.  Being denied, being unvalidated as having any kind of voice as a person in any realm was the only experience I'd ever known growing up.  What I recall in my memories growing up weren't all bad, some were quite good, times with my father and all of the wonderful things he taught me.  It's the blank spaces that haunted me, and the hours spent hiding in closets, frightened and terribly afraid.  I have dealt with most of my disabling fears, and I have worked diligently through years and years of therapy.  People will often say -- who have had no traumatic background "you just gotta let that go", to wit - I find most humorous.   Traumatic experiences and years of neglect map the pathways of our brains.  It isn't something that can be just "gotten over".  I still loose time in highly  stressful periods in my life.  Being an anxious avoidant type of personality - affects all of the relationships (as much as I hate it) in my life - even as much as I work, and work, and apply myself to the theories of healing to guard against it.

I have just been through - for whatever reason this season of my life - one of the most difficult periods where I have had so much destruction and I have been unable, despite literally screaming for help multiple times,  to speak loudly enough - or in the right manner - or to do so without dismissal.  My pleas for for help fell on deaf ears, on ears of judgement, upon ears  with no compassion.  Speaking the truth does not guarantee  that you will be protected, nor served.  So much in this world is how it appears, not how it actually is.  People believe exactly what they want to believe, despite the facts.  There is little one can do about those so called facts.

Some choices we make, can seal our fate.  It seems to make you or place you in a position of being a sub-human or less than these days.  People may not even know what took place or have any idea what an individual went through - yet condemn them anyway.  As if anyone has lived an exemplary  life. Jesus said, "Let he who is without sin among you - let him throw a stone at her first." NKJV John 8:7  None of us are without sin.  We all make mistakes.  We all 'miss that mark'.

I suppose in some folks eyes, some mistakes are worse than others, some more forgivable - and some just not.  I'd beg to differ.  However, I have not been one in my lifetime to judge, I have learned a long time ago - to separate behavior from the person.  I see spirit over actions made.  We're all fallible.  All in the realm of forgiveness - and trust me, I have had to forgive those who have done the seeming unforgivable to me.  It has made me stronger and wiser, it's given me strength to endure.  I did not expect my voice to be so silent however, or to be outrightly ignored.  There's a pressure there that no one understands unless you've been through it.  Its maddening.

Seasons do end.  Change will always come because on a basic level, we live on an evolving planet - with recycling human suits.  I am a child of God - I know this some days, stronger than others - I don't easily admit.  I have a difficult time when I am in deep emotional pain feeling connected to God, but that's my issue not His - He doesn't go anywhere - I'm the the one that pulls away.  Far as I know it's pretty par for the course with humans.  I am going to come out of this bottom I've hit just like all the other's I've hit before.  I am a survivor at heart, myself and God -- and I'm sure learning the hard way that my understanding everything is SO futile.  The harder I try, the more mud I pull up.  It's perfectly okay -- because scripture tells me to 'lean not on my own understanding' and I keep doing it.  It's that deal - doing the same thing over and over?  Well most of you know the rest.  I've surrendered, and I'm going to do it a different way.  Praise God.  I have to.  I went to far down this time.  I lost hope in mankind.  I never thought I'd see that day, but I did.  Pulling out old tools to try and fix any problem will not work.  We know they don't work.  There is no knowledgeable defense against the disease of Addiction or Alcoholism.  Depression untreated properly just fuels the fire.  Do what is needed to do, despite what is happening in your life.  Don't stop until you get what you need.  I don't care how many times you have to scream.  Keep praying, keep reaching, and keep believing.   The God of your understanding will make a way where there is none.

God Bless you all!!!