Mental Illness, Addiction, and Chronic Pain - all of these issues such delicate things to balance in an individual's life. All of these conditions - in reality - are what is called "silent illnesses" - they can't under ordinary circumstances be "seen" just by looking at an individual for "proof" of the beholding, or identifying markers of their presence in a person's life. Especially true of physical pain, and mental illness. Sometimes what the beholden endures - is so offensive, so shocking, especially these days with the "WAR" on opiates - pain medication - for those of us who suffer and have for years with chronic, often debilitating pain.
I went through just this month, an abusive ordeal in a "mental health facility" hell bent on forcing me to comply, and sign a hard copy -- in admission - that I was/am indeed "Addicted" to opiates. A plan was devised, a deception (without my knowledge) unbeknownst to me had been set into motion to attempt to force the removal of prescribed medications (throwing me into a vicious withdrawal) given to me by my primary Physician for documented (17+ years ) of medical conditions. It was the facilities aim to (all Psychiatrists, Nurse Practitioners, and Support Staff) remove my prescribed medication, even to the point of hostility and belittling, with absolutely flat out denial as well as refusal to discuss documented FACT of my longstanding, relevant disabilities. When I attempted to raise issues in defense pertaining to my conditions, I was met with the staff's response of, "we aren't going to discuss that!" Wow. Is this America? Have people lost their bloody minds? Have we reached a place with this medication insanity - where a person such as myself -- HAVE NO RIGHTS? Something here about this Hydrocodone deal has to be addressed. This is pure INSANITY, people, has everyone lost their mind?
The plan was to place me on Suboxone - the hottest and most prescribed new "Opiate of choice" - with many nasty side affects, a withdrawal from HELL - compared to with that of Methadone (you don't even want to know). But alas, what is so special about this particular drug? There's lots and lots of BIG Pharma funding right now for it's push and use in programs such as where I was. It blocks feelings of euphoria that one might have from other opiates, and supposedly reduces cravings for other drugs. There's pro's and con's alike out there-- Everyone seems to be being put on it these days- even pregnant women - Lord knows at what expense by it being such a new drug, and trials surely not being certain to the possibility of harm to these women's babies. There were five women I think there and most of them were on it. Seems damn near everyone was on it. What I was unable to comprehend as I researched the drug, it's just another addictive substance... what gives? Why would someone such as myself do that - there's no way in hell - I'm going to be in full blown pain, how does this make any sense in my case? Even if I am not being believed in my medical/surgical history -- I have SO many scars on my body (and in my defense I SHOWED them) where I have had multiple surgeries in attempts to correct the ailments pertaining to what is causing my pain.
I was belligerent, I came unhinged, I was enraged - I wonder what anyone would have done? Here I was, a former Chemical Dependency Counselor -- being berated, told - what and who I was. I had a televised appointment with their "program" physician who told me flat out that he did not care if I was in "full blown pain" I was to come off the opiates -- at which I just got up and walked out of the office. It was like a nightmare in real life - except there was no waking up. FINALLY.. after an agonizing seven days - I was discharged - and allowed to leave. Oh, I knew there were going to be severe consequences, because of the plot and the plan that had been laid - I did not comply with the "orders" set before me, I knew now I'd have to pay. I had no idea I'd already been discharged from all services -- here at the Bluff. Odd, I had received a letter upon arriving home that said I had ten days to respond - yet when I called I was informed I had been discharged a day before 7-11-18) I was discharged from the other program? I'm befuddled, bewildered, and ah, at this point it's beginning to seem funny, how all of this has ensued.
What I want to be known here is that at no time have I ever had an intake or an assessment for my "so called" use/abuse/addiction of Opiates. I realize what I am saying. But please hear what I need to vocalize - it is my fervent belief that documents have been falsified in my case history - charting done that is illicit. The last communication that I received stated, "your self-confessed opiate addiction" -- this is a an outright untruth. An outright LIE. I was sent to a program on complete and utter deceptive pretenses - an organization that I have trusted with the health and welfare of my mental stability for over seven years -- betrayed my trust -- and attempted to force me to admit something that just is not the truth. WORDS put into my mouth. Never in my WILDEST dreams could I have ever believed something like this could have happened, but it has, and I have no idea what to do. They are fully aware I have no financial ability to seek legal counsel so they have the upper hand. But dear God -- if they will do this to ME with the intelligence that I have - what are they doing to those that DO NOT???
IT horrifies ME!!!
When the truth has been used against you - and all seems lost - don't be dismayed. It would seem so easy to cave in and give up -- ah, but NO ONE knows that strength and the tenacity I bestow -- it is my Father's blood running threw my veins. I don't have a QUIT. Do what you will in said sickness. I will survive. I promise that. I've survived the living hell on a level no equivalent will ever know. Vicious and so evil -- well let's just say -- my mind took over and blotted out the remains of those days. I was a mere little tot way back then, and I still overcame. Just imagine what I'm capable of now... after all I've experienced along the way.
I lost my Gracie, my girl. It was so unnecessary - to have gone through this debacle derived out of pure deception with no intent to help me. How cruel - I cannot even fathom. My service animal - hit by a car - dead on the side of the road - I can't get it out of my head. We can't even find her to bury her - she was all I had - and now she's dead. I hope everyone is real proud of the work that's been done. Mission accomplished ... job well done!
I profusely apologize to those who read my blog - this is now a positive posting. It is nothing like my usual content. I still believe it needs to be verbalized, for the sake of it's content. Organizations of this magnitude have a great deal of power. Don't blindly trust - like I did. Do your research as best you can. Dig and dig more one the professionals it employs. Confront red flags when they erupt, trust yourself. I should have walked away from this organization some time ago - I didn't and this is what has happened as a result. Attempting to "hang in there" is not always a good choice. I will tell you when you come from a background of abuse, we often make excuses for intolerable behavior --- we tend to "normalize it" even though we know in our guts it wasn't okay. Believe in yourself and trust your intuition, it's the greatest gift you'll ever receive in this life. It will lead you into all truth if you allow it...honor it, and know the power of it's truth. It's God inside of us - what and Who that is to you. This guide loves us and wants what is right, best, and true always in our lives -- trust is so hard for so many of us. We trust things we shouldn't and don't trust what we need to.
My prayer will be for all of you to - as with myself-- learn to listen and discern that voice inside of us -- each and everyone who always has our BEST interest at heart. The one that will lead us and guide us safely, honorably, to the best places in life where we belong, were we should have been all of our lives. Please if you will, pray for me - the is a really hard place in my life. I am not certain what my fate is going to be, loosing my beloved animal so tragically. I share this video with you -- it's been a strength to me since I got home. It was shared with me from a friend, and now I share it with those of you.
To my girls who might read this-- you're spirits, your smiles, your courage, your strength is still with me. I was an honor to have been in your company even if it was for a short while. All of you gave me back a hope that I haven't had for some time. Thank each and every one of you for the compassion, the kindness, the warmth, and especially the enormity of strength in our connectedness a power that transcends all time and space. I miss you guys. I'm there in spirit. Always know you so worth each and every right decision you make - run toward wholeness (not that you aren't already) - do not let anything deter your personal journey. Know you're loved, know you're blessed, and you will always rise above!! To Thine Own Self Be True.
Thank you Jesus - for building and sustaining my strength -
Thank you Daddy - for the tenacity, courage, and persistence -
I DON'T HAVE A QUIT!
God Bless all of you, Until we meet again. G.
