Lie to Me

"Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes."
                                                                                                   Carl Jung

There's so much flying around in my mind I am not certain where to begin.  I know what I want and need to convey it's just where to start.  I find myself in a really odd place in my life.  It's almost as if I'm not really sure how I got here.  I don't mean that as I take no responsibility for where I am, no it's not that - it's more like I haven't really even had the energy or the ability to pay close attention.  At least that is how it feels at this moment.  Depression.  It's getting worse. I have never had the symptoms of not being able to get up - you know sleeping all the time? Well, I have been sleeping for almost 24 hours (close to it) in the last few weeks.  I have absolutely no motivation to do anything.  Oh, it bothers me, don't get me wrong - it driving me nuts.  The energy it takes to get up and sit here - it's about all I have.  It took me 5 days to pay bills -- normally it's the first thing I do when my check hits the bank.  

I don't know - I'm hoping some of the things that are trying to get worked out-- get worked out soon.  I can go and see a psych.   I need help working through what I've been through.  Sounds odd doesn't it when it's said out loud -- like a merry-go-round.  Believe me, that's what it feels like.

What is weighing so heavily is what has ended up being my plight with people.  So many assumptions have been made.  People actually think they know me from the place I'm in right now.  I hardly allow other people's opinions of me bother me, but there's so much of it going around right now-- it just feels awful.  Everyone backs away from me like I have the plague.  People will not ask questions because they're afraid -- so they assume and jump to conclusions.  And boy the conclusions.  It's almost comical.  Nothing I can do about it -- I've even lost a friend of 45+ years in the last month or so.  People love to judge - all the while they hypocritically do what they do in private.  I don't judge - what's the point?  Where I'm at is because I was stupid enough to say the demon word "NEVER", oh and there's another one that's just as ridiculous... I"ALWAYS" they are both setups!! Don't do it, I'm telling you, it will come back around and make you eat your words plus have to deal with whatever it was you declared you ALWAYS did or NEVER was going to do!!! 

There are very few that could survive what I have been through in my life.  I'm a tough old bird.  No one really knows the whole story -- not even my (past) friend of 45+ years.  I've not really met anyone that wanted to know it all! I don't blame them, hell my own mind blocked a whole hell of a lot out especially for me!  

I am having a very difficult time with motivation in getting done what I need to get done.  It is hard without support.  I have been able to at least pray small short prayers.  It's more than I was able to do for a while -- I was just completely shut down emotionally -- just numb.  I think I have been on autopilot - at least as far as just living goes.  Somehow I manage to eat, do laundry - things like that - but that's about it.  I manage to keep my basic life details intact but I did mess up my funds this month - because of self-medicating.  I need to see a psychiatrist. My meds are in serious need of adjustment.  I have been trying to get by with my primary physician and what I was prescribed previously and it's just not working any longer.  I'm in serious need of an overhaul.  Problem being - I cannot afford to pay 20% of said Psych.

I'm fighting my addiction daily. Sometimes I win, sometimes I don't.  Many people don't understand this. Oh, how, however, they do like to judge -- what is so damned interesting to me is -- how folks attempt to make a judgment call on something they cannot begin to comprehend.  It's just something I think about - a lot.  It really tears me up too - how different chemicals - are on different levels of "Oh my God - they're doing THAT???"  Ah, folks, they're all just mood-altering chemicals - I fail to see or understand why -- any of them need be placed into the horrendous categories that society places them in.  Wasn't it ah, about 20 years ago -- if that long that alcoholics were skid row bums??  People that hung around on the corner - begging for money and drinking out of paper sacks.  Ah, yeah.  It just floors me - how people love to judge what they do not understand.  People fear what they do not understand. All addiction is devastating.  All of it can and will kill if not arrested folks.  It rips families apart - it destroys nearly everything it comes into contact with if it continues on a long-term basis, and there is no intervention.  Addiction is progressive, it is deadly, it follows a known path (to destruction) at some point it renders it's the user powerless and incapable of stopping - needing the drug in order to attempt to feel or obtain some kind of normalcy.  There are specific markers - that addicts and alcoholics go through - stages - predictable phases and this is why it is a disease.  Many people do not believe and that's fine.  People love to blame -- I have known a few that ended up having the disease themselves over there nasty attitudes towards the disease -- and man are they in deep denial.  Life is odd like that -- sometimes.  It is a huge piece of why I do not judge -- I don't want to find myself sitting in the same shitty pool of nastiness I have thought about another human -- because it can and sometimes does happen.  It's all back to the NEVERS.  It doesn't feel real good, trust me.

So here I am, isolated, fairly deeply depressed,  not really one human to talk with who I really trust - and fighting a battle from hell.  It feels a lot like trying to climb out of a well that's been slathered with grease.  Hell of a metaphor don't you think?  I just can't seem to get a hold of anything.  I really do well to get a grocery list finished - but you see - people don't want to hear that.  People want you to lie and tell them I'M FINE.  GREAT! So that's what I'm going to do.  It seems to be the only way to keep them from running away.  I don't know if it's the times, or people are that damn shallow.  Yeah, shallow.  It's like the "happy, happy, joy, joy" society.  I've never belonged.  I guess I never will.  I'm a realist, I say what I think, and how I really feel.  It doesn't go over real well, and people surely judge you by it.

(He's all of 16 years old here-- plz check Johnny out. He's amazing.)

I hate that people take a slice of your life - and determine who you are because of where you're at - at that particular time or season.  Assumptions are made, and it may only be a tiny slice of your life - but their minds have slammed shut on who you are.  It's damn frustrating - especially when you've been through what I have been through in the last year and a half.  I have endured probably the most traumatic time in my entire life - it represents nothing like I've ever gone through in my life -- but it's now the example of who I am.  WoW.  Really? So you think based on where I am at now -- everything else in my life prior is null and void?  Do you even know how I got here? No, it doesn't matter because it's not relevant -- judgments already been made.

This is from the Myers Briggs Personality type test. Check it out - I am an INFJ - only 2% of the entire population are my personality type -- pretty rare. It's a very excellent way of getting to know yourself.  I recommend it highly.  

It's difficult when you don't put others in boxes, with four walls of who you have declared them to be - and why.  You know, that mental quadrant folks love to place around people in our lives -- the categories, the sections like in the mail sorting rooms -- "good", "bad" -- "sort of okay" - it's drives me insane.  The world where people are mind readers -- and they can see into crystal balls.  Fortune tellers, and psychics.  It's odd too because I'm an empath - I can read a person in just a few seconds upon meeting them -- but what is so interesting -- I see good in people -- I see a person's potential.  I can sense the negative and also the dangerous - but it's not what I necessarily focus upon.  I do know it's there.  I don't judge it - I just observe.  That is what I love about people -- observing and learning - from them, who they let me know they are versus who I sense they are.

What is heartbreaking? Getting the exact opposite of those in my life.  Oh well.  Not much I can actually do -- I'm done trying to explain -- just DONE.

Expectations ---- KILL.

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.  

I won't be in this place forever.  I promise anyone that.  Especially myself, that's all that seems to matter anyway.

To thine own self be true.

God Bless.   

Hope's Return

I am not sure where to begin.  The last year of my life has perhaps been one of the most difficult to endure, although on a much different level of existence than I have ever experienced before.  I have spent copious amounts of time alone with nothing other than my thoughts and said thoughts not being productive, positive, nor in any sense of the realm - life-enhancing.  I spent several months fighting suicidal ideation and planning.  I spent said months with a straight razor in the overhead shelf - just waiting to slice my carotid artery on my neck and the femoral artery on my leg, knowing fully of the finality of these actions.  I was completely alone and devoid of any feeling other than pain, the inability to generate any real reasons as to not take my life --   it seemed logical at the time.   If it had not been for my cat and one friend - I don't know if I would be here today.  I certainly did not have any internal motivation for continuing my existence.

More than anything - I felt trapped.  I still do to a certain degree.  I lost hope.  If you know my blog - then there is an understanding of the significance of the devastation that I endured and how deeply I was depressed as well as the bottom that I reached.  For me to lose hope is like a flag to no longer flys in the wind.  It is about as devastating a state of being that I would have believed to found myself in.

I have spent months and months emotionally numb.  Not actually choosing to  be void of emotion, but more of a state of apathy.  I would classify it as knowing in my mind --the lack of emotion - but it was more like a passing thought - certainly not a concern.  I still struggle to connect my mind and heart accessing emotions from the experiences of the recent past.

I have shared part of what I went through in the last few blogs.  I do not wish to go back into those issues, but what I will share is that even when (and if) you have the ability to forgive someone for what seems to others as the unforgivable -- do not allow the source of said pain of cruelty back into your life.  Your ability to forgive is your superpower it has nothing to do with their ability and capacity to further be a destructive force in your life.  Evil is evil, and it has no place in or near the heart or home of a person who embodies goodness.  Destruction will always try to destroy what is good, I believe because it knows it's evil.  Darkness cannot exist nor prevail in the presence of light.  The light will always reign over the darkness, no matter what.  Light illuminates and exposes darkness for what it is -- nothing but a mere shadow. Sometimes only a shadow straight out of the pits of hell.

Love this prayer.  Love Marianne. 

I have fallen back (for lack of better verbiage) into my addictions this last year.  I won't say I'm ashamed - it's just what we do as addicts trying to deal with the symptoms of trauma, inability to face or feel through difficult issues, intense emotional pain and the like.  I do not justify - merely describe.  I don't know of too many who could have endured this isolation as well as the issues I have had to face - and stayed sober.  There have been times I thought I would just go insane here in this space alone - no human contact for days.  The absolute odd element was that often the only interaction I would have with anyone would be with fellow addicts.  A lot of the time, the only help I would be offered  - rides to and back from the store - etc. - was from fellow addicts.  Sometimes even now its still true.  I've felt more compassion, more empathy, and much more willingness to help me from people I've gotten high with than people I've gone to church with.  This is beyond my belief - and extremely disheartening. I know exactly why -- the addicts don't judge me like the Christians do.  Yes, that is what I said.  Those that believe they're in an elite status -- (in their minds) distance themselves, therefore they would never admit it, somehow, somewhere there is an egoic mentality -- of superiority.   I have felt it inside my own home church.  It isn't acceptable to be "different" and still fit in.  One will surely find themselves alone one their pew for perhaps years -- and I did.  I have always been one people where just not quite sure of.  The oh so odd thing is - I love people (and kitties) probably more than most.  Yet, the level of my honesty has (I guess) been too difficult for most.  It is difficult for me to understand most of the time, in order for me to live - in sobriety anyway- rigorous honest was the only way I could stay alive. I took the tools presented to me, deeply to heart.  I have never been one to lie, nor hurt someone with the truth either - but most don't want to hear your truth.  It makes them uncomfortable.  I have been shunned by quite a few.  It's perfectly alright - it is who I am now, I don't hide behind what is "acceptable" in society - that to me is nonsense. I'm not pretending for anyone.  I don't even believe I could.  I actually fail to see any purpose in it.   

Oh, Eckhart.  How true.  What a thinker I am.  This is one of my favorite quotes.  I spent many years avoiding feeling anything.  My desire to not feel is what propelled my addiction.  Well, this and the massive "black hole" in my gut.  All addicts/Alcoholics have it - even if they won't admit it.  Some don't really know what it is or have the ability to define it as such.  I truly believe we are born with it. it's like a part of us is missing.  It's kind of like a deep sense of longing for something- someone- somewhere - inside that is so elusive and evasive that the searching, the longing - seems to never end.  Just when it seems it might be somewhat satisfied, it begins gnawing and it's hungry again. It is a constant state of emptiness, it tells you that you are not enough, you don't belong - you don't measure up - you are defective - and once you find that substance which fulfills that need --- it's never enough no matter how much or how often.  I recall waking up when I was truly at the height of my addiction in my teen years and early 20"s the very first thought upon waking, I would have my very first thoughts of  "how am I going to get high today." Those thoughts were never far from my consciousness - They were on replay 24-7 even when I was so high -- it was never ending - because where is the next one coming from?  What do I have to do to make it happen, where do I have to go, do I have to steal, manipulate, or talk out of?  The preoccupation was a living nightmare.  This is why living in the present now is so extraordinary.   I can be present and be free of that burden.  

Even though I am still struggling, I have much to be grateful for and I am indeed grateful.  No, my life is far from where it should be, and I slip still.  I have very little support.  I have found people so selfish.  selfish beyond my imagination.  I don't even like being in this world right now.  It is brutal.  The majority of humans could care less if you eat, see anyone for months on end - and will do absolutely NOTHING for you.  NO matter what your circumstances are.  I'm living proof of this.  It literally makes me sick.  I just know it must be breaking Jesus's heart.  It must because it breaks mine. Oh yeah, people want to jabber about being this and being that-- but when it's time to do what you've said you would?  You can hear the crickets chirp!!!   No one's home!!!  And I'll tell anyone flat out -- if you can't stand behind you're word?  There's nothing to you.  Don't mean to be rude -- that is just HARD COLD FACT.   It's just another flimsy, fake, plastic person.   I won't apologize -- I say what I mean and I mean what I say.  I guess I"m a part of a dying breed.  Kindness, honesty, authenticity, integrity, and being genuine are all attributes I have worked the majority of my life to uphold as a human being.   It is how my father raised me.  I mess up at times, we all do - but each new day -- we get another chance.  Just like God's mercy - it's renewed and (praise God)  we can set our sails towards being the best versions of ourselves with the dawn.  

I want to make something clear.  I have been judged and actually, people have turned their backs on me - just cut me out of their lives because of my addiction.  My across the way neighbor - I was honest with her about what had been taking place in my life - and all of the sudden I was just shut out.  it's happened to me on several occasions.  To me - and I mean no disrespect - it is ignorance. By this, I mean lack of knowledge.  It really blows my mind how people actually believe that one of us (for example) is "better" or "worse" than another based upon behavior.  Behavior does not define a person.  This in itself I suppose is where the rubber meets the road.  This is where the knowledge of humans is so limited.  Being trained no less nor differently than any traditional therapist - I understand why and how this happens.  People become afraid that what "you " do will, in fact, look like it is a reflection of who you associate with.  Of course, there are all sorts of other things to consider. Things that attribute.  We fear what we do not understand.  We distance ourselves from it.  This way if it is indeed harmful - (just in case) said thing is less likely to be able to harm us.  There's also the concern about society's opinion.                                                  I still have a hard time with people that make fun of addicts especially depending upon the type of substance used.  I have seen posts on social media where people are absolutely cruel towards those of a highly addictive drug when in fact there should be support and prayer.  It sickens me.  It may well be that I being who I am and what I know - realize the substance, mode of ingestion, frequency -- all of this is merely a symptom of the disease.  We do not make fun of people with cancer, or diabetes, why do we belittle addicts? It's barely been 10 years since alcoholics were the target - skid row bums.  Are we so petty as a society - as to need to make someone who's already suffering - perhaps more than anyone will ever comprehend - feel less than human?   What is the purpose of this I ask?  What kind of sick pleasure is found in kicking someone who is already aware of how far down their life has gone, and the consequences piling up way overhead.  Really???  I don't know -- maybe I'm a horse of a different color.  

An addictive substance - I don't care what it is -- (and why should you) is just that - a chemical -- that fits the receptor sites in the brain.  I don't care if it's marijuana, beer, vodka, hydrocodone, methamphetamine, Xanax, acid, YOU name it-- there is a process called neurotransmission of the receptor sites in the brain.  So many things just fit into these sites just like our own natural chemical transmission of hormones -- and reuptake inhibitors.  I fail to comprehend why there is so much judgment as to what chemical is used to feed the demon?? I especially fail to understand it from those who haven't a CLUE what addiction is - but want to sit on the sidelines and judge someone who is fighting it or in its throws.  Again, REALLY? What right does anyone have to look down their proverbial nose at another? 

I adore this.  I am still a kid at heart.  I hope I will always be.  Growing older isn't much fun, but there isn't much can be done about it.  We are complex human beings.  I am a firm believer that our differences, diversity is what makes our lives so rich and fulfilling.  I don't want to have to eat the same damn meal every day - over and over -- would you?  Nope, I would just eventually stop eating.  Discovery whether it be in a forest, or on a beautiful sandy beach somewhere tropical - that ability, that awesome possibility of finding something that you have never seen before - is so exciting to me.  I really love that feeling as well as that possible potential for a new experience!  I pray that I never lose that spark or that sense of awe and wonder.  I cherish those feelings, they let me know I'm alive.  I know that I don't know everything.. how could I?  But there are people out there that believe they do.  That is scary to me.  I love the feeling of expansiveness in the knowing that more is to come in knowledge and life's experiences.  That is like one of the coolest things for me.  I have little time to be concerned with who does what with what or how or any of those types of things.  I am not even living up to my own potential, I know it, so who am I to condemn anyone of anything?  I just simply have NO NEED.  

One of my most loved bible verses is: There is, therefore, no condemnation in Christ Jesus.  Not sure exactly where it came from - what book of the bible - what verse -- but that particular passage was a big part of what set me free of many chains in my relationship with Christ.  I assure you if my Jesus isn't condemning me?  There is no place in my heart to do so with anyone else either.  So many times it all comes back to me - why I adore Marianne Williamson - her book "A Return to Love" - also it's part of her beliefs - "there are only two emotions -- love and fear."  She purports that when we are living in fear, we cannot experience love, when we are living in love, fear cannot exist.  I love that.  She is a phenomenal woman if you do not know of her or her work, I highly recommend her.  She is quite the extraordinary child of God.  She is a miracle worker who teaches all of us how to be miracle workers too.  Goodness do we ever need this very kind of encouragement in our lives now, and someone who upholds us to a loving state of mind as well as a heart.  I sincerely hope you seek her out.  You have the same potential as I did when I first graced her healing power.  I promise you will never be the same. 

Forgive the length.  It's been a while! God Bless, always.

Love this.  Hope you enjoy her too. 

It's good to be back.  

God Bounty and Luscious Grace to you.   

G.