Saturday, March 9, 2019

Lie to Me



"Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes."
                                                                                                   Carl Jung



There's so much flying around in my mind I am not certain where to begin.  I know what I want and need to convey it's just where to start.  I find myself in a really odd place in my life.  It's almost as if I'm not really sure how I got here.  I don't mean that as I take no responsibility for where I am, no it's not that - it's more like I haven't really even had the energy or the ability to pay close attention.  At least that is how it feels at this moment.  Depression.  It's getting worse. I have never had the symptoms of not being able to get up - you know sleeping all the time? Well, I have been sleeping for almost 24 hours (close to it) in the last few weeks.  I have absolutely no motivation to do anything.  Oh, it bothers me, don't get me wrong - it driving me nuts.  The energy it takes to get up and sit here - it's about all I have.  It took me 5 days to pay bills -- normally it's the first thing I do when my check hits the bank.  

I don't know - I'm hoping some of the things that are trying to get worked out-- get worked out soon.  I can go and see a psych.   I need help working through what I've been through.  Sounds odd doesn't it when it's said out loud -- like a merry-go-round.  Believe me, that's what it feels like.

What is weighing so heavily is what has ended up being my plight with people.  So many assumptions have been made.  People actually think they know me from the place I'm in right now.  I hardly allow other people's opinions of me bother me, but there's so much of it going around right now-- it just feels awful.  Everyone backs away from me like I have the plague.  People will not ask questions because they're afraid -- so they assume and jump to conclusions.  And boy the conclusions.  It's almost comical.  Nothing I can do about it -- I've even lost a friend of 45+ years in the last month or so.  People love to judge - all the while they hypocritically do what they do in private.  I don't judge - what's the point?  Where I'm at is because I was stupid enough to say the demon word "NEVER", oh and there's another one that's just as ridiculous... I"ALWAYS" they are both setups!! Don't do it, I'm telling you, it will come back around and make you eat your words plus have to deal with whatever it was you declared you ALWAYS did or NEVER was going to do!!! 

There are very few that could survive what I have been through in my life.  I'm a tough old bird.  No one really knows the whole story -- not even my (past) friend of 45+ years.  I've not really met anyone that wanted to know it all! I don't blame them, hell my own mind blocked a whole hell of a lot out especially for me!  

I am having a very difficult time with motivation in getting done what I need to get done.  It is hard without support.  I have been able to at least pray small short prayers.  It's more than I was able to do for a while -- I was just completely shut down emotionally -- just numb.  I think I have been on autopilot - at least as far as just living goes.  Somehow I manage to eat, do laundry - things like that - but that's about it.  I manage to keep my basic life details intact but I did mess up my funds this month - because of self-medicating.  I need to see a psychiatrist. My meds are in serious need of adjustment.  I have been trying to get by with my primary physician and what I was prescribed previously and it's just not working any longer.  I'm in serious need of an overhaul.  Problem being - I cannot afford to pay 20% of said Psych.

I'm fighting my addiction daily. Sometimes I win, sometimes I don't.  Many people don't understand this. Oh, how, however, they do like to judge -- what is so damned interesting to me is -- how folks attempt to make a judgment call on something they cannot begin to comprehend.  It's just something I think about - a lot.  It really tears me up too - how different chemicals - are on different levels of "Oh my God - they're doing THAT???"  Ah, folks, they're all just mood-altering chemicals - I fail to see or understand why -- any of them need be placed into the horrendous categories that society places them in.  Wasn't it ah, about 20 years ago -- if that long that alcoholics were skid row bums??  People that hung around on the corner - begging for money and drinking out of paper sacks.  Ah, yeah.  It just floors me - how people love to judge what they do not understand.  People fear what they do not understand. All addiction is devastating.  All of it can and will kill if not arrested folks.  It rips families apart - it destroys nearly everything it comes into contact with if it continues on a long-term basis, and there is no intervention.  Addiction is progressive, it is deadly, it follows a known path (to destruction) at some point it renders it's the user powerless and incapable of stopping - needing the drug in order to attempt to feel or obtain some kind of normalcy.  There are specific markers - that addicts and alcoholics go through - stages - predictable phases and this is why it is a disease.  Many people do not believe and that's fine.  People love to blame -- I have known a few that ended up having the disease themselves over there nasty attitudes towards the disease -- and man are they in deep denial.  Life is odd like that -- sometimes.  It is a huge piece of why I do not judge -- I don't want to find myself sitting in the same shitty pool of nastiness I have thought about another human -- because it can and sometimes does happen.  It's all back to the NEVERS.  It doesn't feel real good, trust me.

So here I am, isolated, fairly deeply depressed,  not really one human to talk with who I really trust - and fighting a battle from hell.  It feels a lot like trying to climb out of a well that's been slathered with grease.  Hell of a metaphor don't you think?  I just can't seem to get a hold of anything.  I really do well to get a grocery list finished - but you see - people don't want to hear that.  People want you to lie and tell them I'M FINE.  GREAT! So that's what I'm going to do.  It seems to be the only way to keep them from running away.  I don't know if it's the times, or people are that damn shallow.  Yeah, shallow.  It's like the "happy, happy, joy, joy" society.  I've never belonged.  I guess I never will.  I'm a realist, I say what I think, and how I really feel.  It doesn't go over real well, and people surely judge you by it.

(He's all of 16 years old here-- plz check Johnny out. He's amazing.)

I hate that people take a slice of your life - and determine who you are because of where you're at - at that particular time or season.  Assumptions are made, and it may only be a tiny slice of your life - but their minds have slammed shut on who you are.  It's damn frustrating - especially when you've been through what I have been through in the last year and a half.  I have endured probably the most traumatic time in my entire life - it represents nothing like I've ever gone through in my life -- but it's now the example of who I am.  WoW.  Really? So you think based on where I am at now -- everything else in my life prior is null and void?  Do you even know how I got here? No, it doesn't matter because it's not relevant -- judgments already been made.

This is from the Myers Briggs Personality type test. Check it out - I am an INFJ - only 2% of the entire population are my personality type -- pretty rare. It's a very excellent way of getting to know yourself.  I recommend it highly.  

It's difficult when you don't put others in boxes, with four walls of who you have declared them to be - and why.  You know, that mental quadrant folks love to place around people in our lives -- the categories, the sections like in the mail sorting rooms -- "good", "bad" -- "sort of okay" - it's drives me insane.  The world where people are mind readers -- and they can see into crystal balls.  Fortune tellers, and psychics.  It's odd too because I'm an empath - I can read a person in just a few seconds upon meeting them -- but what is so interesting -- I see good in people -- I see a person's potential.  I can sense the negative and also the dangerous - but it's not what I necessarily focus upon.  I do know it's there.  I don't judge it - I just observe.  That is what I love about people -- observing and learning - from them, who they let me know they are versus who I sense they are.

What is heartbreaking? Getting the exact opposite of those in my life.  Oh well.  Not much I can actually do -- I'm done trying to explain -- just DONE.

Expectations ---- KILL.

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.  

I won't be in this place forever.  I promise anyone that.  Especially myself, that's all that seems to matter anyway.

To thine own self be true.

God Bless.   

Chemicals no longer needed.

  I agree with this wholeheartedly.   I'm going on day three... of little sleep, I'm in a transition with my depression medications....