tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24848475513972445802024-02-19T19:53:59.583-06:00Out of my Mind.....This is purely pleasurable writing. My hope is that it may bring someone inspiration, introspection, or contemplation. gbullard.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14067435699268605970noreply@blogger.comBlogger182125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484847551397244580.post-88152581322621735162020-08-21T02:34:00.000-05:002020-08-21T02:34:00.107-05:00Chemicals no longer needed. <p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1REbAGDQUPro-ipaSVMX8QkjoHcZAggPcvOio2i8T2yxwR3xl3wOT5CBdNM01SITloxlcjckRgYEfxubhzBSDpNXmad7TQEA4EdTzIqUT8tJyJ16NBxLFCvhTFvLJb1i4z3MFM_CKgg/s400/tearsarewds.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="342" data-original-width="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1REbAGDQUPro-ipaSVMX8QkjoHcZAggPcvOio2i8T2yxwR3xl3wOT5CBdNM01SITloxlcjckRgYEfxubhzBSDpNXmad7TQEA4EdTzIqUT8tJyJ16NBxLFCvhTFvLJb1i4z3MFM_CKgg/s0/tearsarewds.png" /></a></div> <p></p><p>I agree with this wholeheartedly. </p><p>I'm going on day three... of little sleep, I'm in a transition with my depression medications. My mind hurts. I am going through such a major transformation at this place - this unknown- uncertain time in my life. I say "uncertain", because bills aren't paid, and my future is unclear. I'm moving soon into a dwelling I've yet to lay eyes on. I do not concern myself ---- it's out of this hellish nightmare. </p><p>I haven't smoked a cigarette since Monday - and I have NOT craved one at all. I threw every last piece of drug paraphernalia I had into the DUMPSTER and bid it good Riddance on the same day. </p><p>I am finally obeying Jesus. </p><p>It's taken me long enough. I feel good. I know it was the right thing for me to do. I actually have felt JOY creep up on me, and I've actually laughed this week, in between the intermittent feelings of rage at the onslaughts of assaults on my home. I still am finding things missing - and I believe there is still someone coming into my home when I am gone. I don't know if anyone can even fathom how deeply this violates every cell in your being, and the kind of rage it builds inside. I do not want these feelings, yet, I have to discover a way to rid myself of them, and OH there's A LOT OF IT.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE-U8-319iNAkJmZhWBpn-sYXBniqFIR_L49gCuJmU2-7rg3k_9Eoa775FaUPVCNdY3xKGQXsqHPebkHBq5hH7aIL17uE0kRvot1pRnyqJdyZ5zkRICYwgLk5uJqLYWKMCq7n1tyekAQ/s564/heartfixed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="417" data-original-width="564" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE-U8-319iNAkJmZhWBpn-sYXBniqFIR_L49gCuJmU2-7rg3k_9Eoa775FaUPVCNdY3xKGQXsqHPebkHBq5hH7aIL17uE0kRvot1pRnyqJdyZ5zkRICYwgLk5uJqLYWKMCq7n1tyekAQ/s0/heartfixed.jpg" /></a></div><p><br /></p><p>I actually have a over abundance of stomach acid pumping and a bile duct that's dilated and I need surgery --- because this acid is so bad in my stomach. It's literally eaten my gums - eaten my mouth to the point of burning so badly the pain was nearly unbearable. Talk about something being seething? Oh yes, I've seethed... When some female is or has been in your home and so bold as to use your cosmetics? Steal your intimate things? </p><p>I promise you -- you'd feel a rage inside of you - just a difficult to contain as mine. I want and have wanted to hurt someone. Since I'm not an irrational person --- these horrible feelings? These feelings of betrayal have all just eaten me up inside. </p><p>I am ever so aware and have been that anger is just energetic and oh so deeply felt -- hurt. Deeply felt betrayal. Anger and rage just give the hurt a voice. Often a very loud one, and the power is much easier to contend with- and you don't have to be vulnerable... you can have power!! Power is such fuel for the EGO!! It allows us to feel superior, that we are RIGHT, JUSTIFIED, and BEYOND REPROACH!! I truly dislike all of those aspects -- I have been in "ego killing" manifestation for years now. I can care less who's right -- true humility is "what's right." The greater good for us all -- and I don't even know what this is a large. part of the time, I am just a small part of the greater collective of this universe!!! </p><p><br /></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNkYcx3mN04fPTDSiBYtPTTnG9MN_bc_hPvdyUxKcLwEOqNyj_dgiF8Fe3-uEt89Ex9xr1s8ZcPT8SC9t5trjGTWXyU57H6C-IlsHGJXNdIMKlCntxrNiUe2UHE4QQ-pS5ayzU4M2IRg/s768/attached.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="768" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNkYcx3mN04fPTDSiBYtPTTnG9MN_bc_hPvdyUxKcLwEOqNyj_dgiF8Fe3-uEt89Ex9xr1s8ZcPT8SC9t5trjGTWXyU57H6C-IlsHGJXNdIMKlCntxrNiUe2UHE4QQ-pS5ayzU4M2IRg/s640/attached.jpg" /></a></div> <p></p><p>This attachment stuff -- it's not just about people, it's a theme -- attachment to anything for me other than the Lord almighty is not going to be a benefit . I am finally seeing this in the exact light of what God has been trying to show me for my whole entire life. I've sought fulfillment in the world, it's people, it's many, many, pleasures, it's deepest destructions - it's deepest attempts at escape. Something that I don't do often -- because I try my utmost never to break them --- but I'll promise anyone -- <br /></p><p>If you are searching for fulfillment or comfort in something missing from the depths of your soul, you will never find it in or from any given aspect of any type of by product produced or otherwise of this earth. Never. I've sought out them all. I went from people to and IV needle, and it AIN'T THERE.</p><p>Oh, perhaps you'll find temporary comfort, but no long lasting sense of belonging or will you ever find your way home.</p><p>Only God can do this. </p><p>I have placed this song in previous writings but it still resonates with my soul. I praise Jesus for the promptings of the Holy Spirit I had this week, and I thank Jesus for never giving up on me -- I finally was obedient -- and I feel so good. </p><p>My back is no longer crooked, my scoliosis is gone - the kidney that I had that was so much larger on the right side of my back has reseeded into my body and it no longer hurts constantly. I'm growing stronger everyday. After years of wondering why God wouldn't heal me -- well, my time had no yet come... all beautiful words of my former Pastor. I understand now. </p><p>I am beginning physical therapy next week -- I am being restored as I sit here - and I will stand up straight, you watch. Hallelujah!! </p><p>My dearest friend who reached out to me in my darkest hour, and accepted me with the most precious love of God I've ever known, Sister you have NO idea how much I love you-- I was so ashamed to answer your message - but I had to - I needed you more than you'll ever know -- and GOD KNEW!!! Thank you for obeying. You are my one one true "lay down my life for" sister in Christ. We take communion almost everyday together and it WORKS!!! </p><p>"Every minute, every moment, where I been, and where I'm going - like a treasure buried in the broken pieces - There was Jesus!"</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/37wV6D49iEY" width="320" youtube-src-id="37wV6D49iEY"></iframe></div><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p>I write of my life, my struggles, my journey so that someone, somewhere might find hope from my sufferings and my rise up in the Lord. If not but one, I've accomplished what I set out to do.... </p><p><span style="color: #800180;"> All Glory, All Honor, and All Praise, to the One True God! </span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #800180;">I will forever be enamored by and astonished</span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #800180;"> for the Finished Work of Jesus Christ. </span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #800180;">Love,</span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #800180;">Gina</span></p>gbullard.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14067435699268605970noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484847551397244580.post-87422775656364357042020-08-04T05:15:00.000-05:002020-08-04T05:17:32.601-05:00Step One, Surrender. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLWBCHeQK0TRJn0Pilf-K62tALhDGgzAgOHOVbNLf60q08zn2CkcV6wO8_8ogIKkMo48g0YNf_fLywzVR_hIsFIMoAZ9EQGGP10Bt0FemuEHFUj1vYs5gj__N80tRna_MCDAvApNJOow/s229/notenough.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="220" data-original-width="229" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLWBCHeQK0TRJn0Pilf-K62tALhDGgzAgOHOVbNLf60q08zn2CkcV6wO8_8ogIKkMo48g0YNf_fLywzVR_hIsFIMoAZ9EQGGP10Bt0FemuEHFUj1vYs5gj__N80tRna_MCDAvApNJOow/s0/notenough.jpeg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">People hate hearing about your pain. Only reason I know is because I have had my (your share, the neighbors share, the next door neighbors..) share, of a lifetime of pain. I have been on both sides of the chair - both counselor and client. This makes it difficult when you attempt to have friends. Very difficult. </div><div style="text-align: center;">Listening is something I do with my WHOLE BODY </div><div style="text-align: center;">Most folk listen to respond</div><div style="text-align: center;">This drives me nuts...</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">I'm an Old School Friend. I don't want many - but I want the ones I have to be <b><font color="#01ffff">REAL. </font></b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b><font color="#01ffff"><br /></font></b></div><div style="text-align: center;">What I mean by that - is by the fact that the scripture in John 15:13"Greater love has no man than this, that he Lay down his life for his friends." </div><div style="text-align: center;">Means everything to me.</div><div style="text-align: center;">I'm an odd one I suppose.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">You almost have to have a therapist for a friend, or else you feel lost. </div><div style="text-align: center;">Friends are not equipped to hear you. </div><div style="text-align: center;">This very fact, almost cost me my whole life.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqkm55kedlZ3wVQo67X4Yjceb12RzGiR12TVx0lKyqwWrScRSx1p8ro46rtsM5lfl_pPosVKrbrNSzYzl04tJwWMdRK4KhSeJrUI7AGnsQyFa9crxJUgQI1qI4BTCw_zQ8297MACocYQ/s310/myexpectations.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="162" data-original-width="310" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqkm55kedlZ3wVQo67X4Yjceb12RzGiR12TVx0lKyqwWrScRSx1p8ro46rtsM5lfl_pPosVKrbrNSzYzl04tJwWMdRK4KhSeJrUI7AGnsQyFa9crxJUgQI1qI4BTCw_zQ8297MACocYQ/s0/myexpectations.png" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">It is a hellofa epiphany when you find out what caused your downfall - and it's even worse when you discover it was because you listened to the people you thought were telling you the best information that they knew to tell you. But it's worse again, when you knew all along inside yourself, your gut was screaming "this is just beyond any ability to accept". </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">Things happen in life - well, they happened all throughout my. life that proved to me, over and over and over again - that I had no voice, no real power, and when I tried to speak up- I usually got hurt, and usually hurt badly. Hell, it's still </div><div style="text-align: center;">happening. Just a little different, in a different package. Unfortunately, deeper damage, and more abuse than I ever imagined, would ensue...</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">I lost something that was priceless to me, and precious, irreplaceable and what was mine - rightfully mine, was destroyed for no reason, other than hate, jealousy, revenge, spite, and plain ugly, mean, neurotic human behavior at it's most VILE.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6YnLVTg5xMpEpHFwlZjH0_5VMiPzPqKoE5dgCW8eFbvyPK_ov9Cefxl5kDCdQ4txDHNPJ4EMNblfoT_f-kfFfAyeqdTFInsbJClUutPAlRU3eYQK9XTUF6Vx2E5KdaCeaqvQ2qV78uA/s705/even+honesty.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="705" data-original-width="564" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6YnLVTg5xMpEpHFwlZjH0_5VMiPzPqKoE5dgCW8eFbvyPK_ov9Cefxl5kDCdQ4txDHNPJ4EMNblfoT_f-kfFfAyeqdTFInsbJClUutPAlRU3eYQK9XTUF6Vx2E5KdaCeaqvQ2qV78uA/s640/even+honesty.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I saw the depths of human darkness right out of my own family, a betrayal like none anyone should ever have to endure, and I believe the soul secrets are so insidious, and shameful - it's what propelled such demonic behavior. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Who completely erases another human beings entire presence off the face of the earth and for what reason? Particularly when this person has been a loyal parent, a provider, and a kind man all his life? Who burns another man's belongings to ash and for what reason? Puts on his headstone the wrong WAR? </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">What kind of tyranny has taken place for this depth of hatred? </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Oh and be sure - the hatred? It was just as much about- and attached to me.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-iwFzqLoCsjDn2adqSSgk2Y0mdxZEIVcQzrkWkyPZvsBOdldA5CTntNOaXtAFCy5tzuu_K1HX5Q2YuAdfObTQhHFJcI30SE1NJnJxQU6qd8Q4l0H6bTYaTZj19v1jxg-xRQw5UOt7dQ/s800/truecolors.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="419" data-original-width="800" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-iwFzqLoCsjDn2adqSSgk2Y0mdxZEIVcQzrkWkyPZvsBOdldA5CTntNOaXtAFCy5tzuu_K1HX5Q2YuAdfObTQhHFJcI30SE1NJnJxQU6qd8Q4l0H6bTYaTZj19v1jxg-xRQw5UOt7dQ/s640/truecolors.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I'm done being silent -- because my swallowing betrayal like I was "told", almost has throughout this past ten years- damn near been the end of me. You see when you allow people to just kick you like your a dog, and don't deserve anything better? Well, sooner or later, there's another really brutal betrayal, and man, this one with a demonic narcissist was almost more cruel that I could even imagine to me. I trauma bonded with him, and also experienced what's called "complex trauma" - man - I couldn't have mixed up a more toxic soup if I had the recipe.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I ended up betraying myself - </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I stuck a needle in me. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I didn't care. By then, I needed to get high, to want to live.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I didn't matter to anyone anyways.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I wasn't who I was anymore. I had no clue who I had become, the she I was, was dead. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Nothing mattered but killing this hurt that was killing me. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I couldn't even try to talk to anyone, police harassed me, bullied me, passed around the video of my assault, but couldn't use that for evidence.... kept my phone for six days ... </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">You name it, if it pertains to a narcissist? I been through it.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">People left me one by one because of the drugs, and my method of using it, and HIM. Little by little everyone left, even my mental health center betrayed me. Why not? What did I have the mental strength to do? NOTHING and they knew it.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">You know what though?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">It's a new era right now- and God's restored my vision for me, and I'm healing - SO MUCH, and He's revealing everything I've prayed for to me.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I'm not broken, I never was. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Momma was.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I just had to try and survive </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I am not the defective one,</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">not then, </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">not now.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">The wounds I do have are healing as I sit here, and know that "By His Stripes, I am Healed!!" MY time just had not yet come, but it has begun! My prayers are being answered quickly and in the most beautiful, amazing, and unbelievable ways. But, God had to come and get me - I'd almost given up. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">This song says it all.... </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Trust His timing- It's everything. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Thank you,</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Jesus</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/Z8fWD_JpIFg" width="320" youtube-src-id="Z8fWD_JpIFg"></iframe></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>gbullard.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14067435699268605970noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484847551397244580.post-55134821269643026542020-07-10T06:13:00.000-05:002020-07-10T06:13:59.897-05:00Silently Screaming<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlj91H8gxTntwGMy-Wj3SdAWli7K4cIWFJwi-lew9LLvEMfPH4pFqeMP_nXnHifYlllI59SVwK3bw7EBrrVm7DmqFFABRiEiYRtWpD7AbaIyQbj-CC31YSxzn-_EDsTeV_Ff0qCJzE1g/s720/elephant.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="720" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlj91H8gxTntwGMy-Wj3SdAWli7K4cIWFJwi-lew9LLvEMfPH4pFqeMP_nXnHifYlllI59SVwK3bw7EBrrVm7DmqFFABRiEiYRtWpD7AbaIyQbj-CC31YSxzn-_EDsTeV_Ff0qCJzE1g/s320/elephant.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font face="times">I don't know of a time in my life truly that's been more difficult. What I mean by that - is the multitude of issues I have needing to be addressed, each and everyone of significance an priority - yet I'm rendered so overwhelmed... I feel incapable of dealing with any of it. I don't know if that's nuts to admit - I know it's me being rigorously honest with a whole lot of "I could give a shit", because what I attempt to do with my writing is reach someone, somehow, through my pain. See, this is why I was born. It's what God gave me to do in my lifetime. It's the only way I can do this right now - because I've been steady gaining more "research" once again - because life hurts, LIKE HELL. </font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font face="times"><br /></font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font face="times">I can't seem to get a steady grip on my life right now. My PTSD, the traumatic events I have been through in the last three years are just eating away at my psyche - this and everything that goes with that. I am still living here - trying to get sober - in the same place - with unbelievable physical pain - emotional pain - and anguish like no one could ever imagine. My mind's a horrible place to be right now. My kidneys hurt, my low back hurts, my neck, my head, my mouth - omg - I lost a filling, the remainder is jagged, cutting my cheek, my tongue, it's unbearable - but I have little choice. Where am I going to go? This is the body I live in, so I have no choice but to manage the life that's in it. Oh, I cracked a rib over the weekend. </font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font face="times"><br /></font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font face="times">Oh, I allowed someone into my life over the weekend. Mistake. Violated my trust by day three. </font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font face="times"><br /></font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYmxNzpb6PBuHL6gdU7NDe0C-wfhrcow3gO0KDwya7W-ta_qcNVP13hixSI_sW4aD2XYMl4yQjxfOXBg2BkWrKVKGpuqYzc4XBSr1MaPRNFHAtG8IOADHQ-qu_R5gBEw941W_jnwWiZg/s479/uthinkuknowme.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="415" data-original-width="479" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYmxNzpb6PBuHL6gdU7NDe0C-wfhrcow3gO0KDwya7W-ta_qcNVP13hixSI_sW4aD2XYMl4yQjxfOXBg2BkWrKVKGpuqYzc4XBSr1MaPRNFHAtG8IOADHQ-qu_R5gBEw941W_jnwWiZg/s320/uthinkuknowme.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><font face="times"><br /></font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font face="times">I overwhelm my friends and I don't even tell them everything I feel, think, experience, need, or how much it all hurts. I lose folks because I'm real. People can't handle real. I don't know how else to be. I can't see how they can be anything else... Tricks are for kids... LOL</font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font face="times"><br /></font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font face="times">The hell of all of this is and what normal people DO NOT UNDERSTAND is that these things, this pressure, is exactly why someone like me, uses drugs. When life becomes an experience so painful, so utterly impossible to manage emotionally, mentally, physically, or spiritually - Hell yes, who wouldn't choose escape? Powerlessness on such a level, without hope? Alone, sitting in silence, is just too much. Sometimes it honestly feels like someone has fingernails inside my brain scraping the insides. It's excruciating. I reach a point where I just cannot take anymore. Oh, how fun to be me. People sometimes respond to me like there heads will explode if I keep talking. So, I don't. I have been telling you all I'm a tad odd.... lol. </font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font face="times"><br /></font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font face="times">Now the damnedest thing is somehow, someway - I still must be the one to recover. Utilizing a short-term mechanism for relief to longterm problems will never resolve the problem. Numbing pain is always temporary. The pain will return, and when you reenter the world of pain and anguish where these chemicals live? Oh, goodness - you think you have pain now? You've opened a door where satan lives, and he's just been sitting- calculating on what new heights of damnation he can deliver to you- and he's salivating. </font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font face="times"><br /></font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font face="times">As I sit here my body ablaze with pain, and my mind tortured. I don't want to live this way anymore. How many time must I surrender? What is it I'm not doing right? Wherein is the answer or answers I seek? </font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font face="times"><br /></font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font face="times">I know they're inside me. They're always inside us. I believe we have every last answer, every piece of knowledge, motivation, will, everything we need to surmount any and all challenges we face in this lifetime from the moment of conception - we just need divine timing, placement, and sometimes, certain angels who walk this earth. I'm an avid believer as Marianne Williamson's beautiful message is - they're "Miracle Workers".</font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font face="times"><br /></font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font face="times">I know I have to turn all this around. It's just what Gina does. The difficulty being- oh holy hell, this time this bottom is truly trying to suck me under. It's not just a bottom, it's a syphoning black hole. This chemical - is so powerful, it eats at you're psyche. But, damnit, I know I know how to be and maintain sobriety! I did it for nine years! But, I had a village then, and I was able, and afforded the opportunity to completely change people, places, and things. It was a miracle. Ending up in Hazelden? Man, it makes me so upset with myself. Therein lies yet another grief issue.</font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font face="times"><br /></font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font face="times">Forgiveness. Grief. Emotional Pain. </font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font face="times">So much, and I didn't even include the physical mess. Sometimes I truly feel like it's just more than I can manage. Yet, it must be managed. Sleeping as much as I possibly can sure as hell isn't the answer- and I'm ashamed of that - I've NEVER done this. </font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font face="times"><br /></font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPoSe8CTs5RUePyF2chNGYb5LXADtU_oBdpLE_L4p68sWObh24H94C9u25mCX8DBY-Mb7jTkGkyhELAuJq28oYF91WzByZlv6la-eHoX1eqM76OVbrVh395Gdt9fEmBwBeEgtcqJ5Ctw/s640/doorofhope.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="640" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPoSe8CTs5RUePyF2chNGYb5LXADtU_oBdpLE_L4p68sWObh24H94C9u25mCX8DBY-Mb7jTkGkyhELAuJq28oYF91WzByZlv6la-eHoX1eqM76OVbrVh395Gdt9fEmBwBeEgtcqJ5Ctw/s320/doorofhope.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font face="times">Even in these storms which are my life. All through this awful turmoil, and ablaze in my heart as it's never been more broken, Jesus. Always, Jesus. People are in my life. Good people an I'm so unbelievable grateful. I am not certain of the answers. I'm not sure what to do. But, I know what not to do. </font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font face="times"><br /></font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font face="times">Reaching into the abyss of that darkest darkness hoping to find the light - is INSANE. </font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font face="times"><br /></font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font face="times">There is a solution, and at all costs, I gotta do life different. Whether or not I feel like it. Whether or not I like the level of powerlessness that this hell has brought me. I wasn't asleep on the road here. Life has got to be lived on it's terms, and NUMB isn't an option! Cry about that all you want. It doesn't change that fact. </font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font face="times"><br /></font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font face="times">"We admitted..." </font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font face="times"><br /></font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font face="times">Now, get up. </font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font face="times"><br /></font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font face="times"><br /></font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font face="times"><br /></font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font face="times"><br /></font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><font face="times"> </font></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div>gbullard.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14067435699268605970noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484847551397244580.post-25099935722949028242020-06-25T03:00:00.001-05:002020-06-25T03:00:37.237-05:00Recovering from Life <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUREvDq1cbBUkJ87HQKwR69k6JC7kCZYFp7YihYIaCBEdLOhaV8iGQE-Y0DOitQY0jJdZUdKokz3a2zxg6o7Ph5V-XKKl4LFDvs8v7QTH6hBFGPSxS8iMNgtTgpUV-MVHQ1SF2dgJQdQ/s960/silence+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="705" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUREvDq1cbBUkJ87HQKwR69k6JC7kCZYFp7YihYIaCBEdLOhaV8iGQE-Y0DOitQY0jJdZUdKokz3a2zxg6o7Ph5V-XKKl4LFDvs8v7QTH6hBFGPSxS8iMNgtTgpUV-MVHQ1SF2dgJQdQ/s320/silence+copy.jpg" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div><br /></div> I haven't been able to access this, and it's been rough. <div><br /><div>I need to write to release what's inside me like I need to breathe. </div><div><br /></div><div>I hope against hope someone can relate to that. So often, I feel so odd, so peculiar, so full of the knowing inside of J.U.S T. how different I feel I am in reality from other people. I don't know if it's real, it's just how it "feels". I could be totally wrong, but you know how it is, you try and tell even you're deepest and darkest friend, and they can't hear you still -- the loaded auto-mantic "I Know" answer pops out- but inside, you still really aren't certain anyone but another sister (or those of us who didn't attach) is certain who lives in our bodies, a hull, yet a live wire of whirling insane feelings - never tempered by a nurturing mommy who never held us, and the very thing we never experienced, security in her arms - thus we feel terror. Not secure, not ever calmed completely, not able to safely attach to anything or anyone, safety is illusive - and it must be checked, and rechecked for signs of distress constantly. Nothing, absolutely nothing is ever completely safe, ever. Not even sleep. </div><div><br /></div><div>If this resonates with you? You're the daughter of a narcissistic mother. A "motherless daughter". And you can bet you have an Attachment disorder. I've been told I have three. I know I have one, I'm Anxious-Avoidant. Yeah. Just what I always wanted. </div><div><br /></div><div>It makes sense, and I promise the people close to me will attest. I'm not always a "bit oh honey" to deal with. I have a darkness and it's sometimes really dark. I cannot always help it, I wish I could, and I have worked on my malady for most of my adult life -- 27+ years of CBT - cognitive behavioral therapy - 2 years of EMDR - rapid eye movement desensitization reorganization, brain remapping therapy and it's amazing for PTSD. Oh man. I'm praying for the day I meet a therapist and can begin again to complete these damned traumatic memories and put this shit to bed once and for all. I was almost finished, and I more than likely sabotaged myself - attachment got me - ego - something. I've learned. suffering ceases to be suffering if we learn from it - Socrates. My bend on it.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div>Despite the fact that I fight my insides every single day -- and somedays? I fight myself a lot. This is the inside people don't know. I'm looking like everything's perfect to you - but all is not well. If folks only knew what it's like to live trying to fight yourself. Constantly. </div><div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDYByEKbqgI6UhOOubgx4tVk4rL_BzboHzuii2YE7aepQRliIs7fjAWq1dVi-JG1WHIl7V0g3PM7xd8WiVSZHBYndf32X94cOFXjbZvkFKAzX2nSefo05hgBQJ_dsds26DzuSuTHu8NA/s340/throughpain.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="340" data-original-width="340" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDYByEKbqgI6UhOOubgx4tVk4rL_BzboHzuii2YE7aepQRliIs7fjAWq1dVi-JG1WHIl7V0g3PM7xd8WiVSZHBYndf32X94cOFXjbZvkFKAzX2nSefo05hgBQJ_dsds26DzuSuTHu8NA/s320/throughpain.jpg" /></a></div></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Conquering your fears is so important. I've been doing it since about age 3. </div><div><br /></div><div>I highly recommend it. The hard part are those lingering ones, you know those fears that we feel like at the time we took them out- done with that! Kicked that in the ass man, dude! An, time passes, something arrises - something you go through with a friend, a. potential lover - and Shazam, there it is again - only bigger and more fierce. Usually, it triggers the lovely and ever so heartfelt, terror. It may be but for a millisecond nowadays, but, I don't know if I truly believe it will ever completely banish, it's interwoven with the PTSD. It's not a matter of faith for me, it's something else, and not that I don't believe it cannot be healed either. Just complicated I suppose. When your insides are as complicated as some of us, it's hard to explain. </div><div> </div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAhoddzTLU9CEE46vriDO_dJVB8HoDNoSEiFJaSXfMCWRjGjk54EnAJVoPw5aBtmQYXJxBhU3gjyk2AI85oFKKb88ICm-dYLPfb2s7YMZZPBbbC1_UDY1GfwCWRhTaaHmUxn7-Bbiq8Q/s417/throughit.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="417" data-original-width="417" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAhoddzTLU9CEE46vriDO_dJVB8HoDNoSEiFJaSXfMCWRjGjk54EnAJVoPw5aBtmQYXJxBhU3gjyk2AI85oFKKb88ICm-dYLPfb2s7YMZZPBbbC1_UDY1GfwCWRhTaaHmUxn7-Bbiq8Q/s320/throughit.png" /></a></div> </div><div><br /></div><div>Humans are really horrible at being present with each other. I do not have one friend who can just be there with me when I am experiencing something, it's always - a response of- change it, manipulate it, stop it, it's old - let it go... It's endless. I realize they often time just don't want me to feel sad or upset and I do not blame them, but when I look at what I get often times, it's impatience, intolerance, and sometimes I'm not even heard. </div><div><br /></div><div>How empty this feels. </div><div><br /></div><div>People are odd man. It is getting worse everyday. Selfish, self-centered- and so often just cold. Whether they mean to be or not - the outcome is the same. And what is so disheartening is for folks like us, those unattached folks, who have to no emotional anchors, little trust of security - to attempt to figure out what's wrong with individuals we encounter every day. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>I guess relationships just don't mean anything anymore, friendships, their connections to another human beings. See mine? They are everything. Now I have to process them a certain way, but I've put in my time, and I do my best, to address each and everyone with utmost care - and hopefully I'm functioning where I can, because as all of us with mental health problems know sometimes it's just not possible, and these are the times when we're a hellofa challenge. This is why I try so hard to help folks know and understand me. There may be no peace in understanding, but we can illuminate one another any time we communicate with love and affection. I don't care who you are. What is spoken from the heart with love and good intention will meet it's intended target, perhaps not immediately, but the seed will be sewn. </div><div><br /></div><div>I have had a year from pure hell. Who am I fooling, the last THREE. </div><div><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">The birds outside sound like Jesus.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>I realize I'm different, but that's what's wrong- or not wrong, but needs adjusting in our country - Diversity is beautiful!!! It's rich and it illuminates all of us, it's ability to open out minds to new ways of thinking, of introspection - new kinds of thought--- and discovering new ideas and expanding our understanding of life and living and it's endless!!! </div><div><br /></div><div>New Possibilities.... How can anyone not get completely and utterly on fire about that? Screw Fear! Fear is mostly manifested by our own minds! Yes, I said that! How on earth would I have ever gotten anywhere I have in my life - go ahead check my history, where I've worked, where I've lived, what I've overcame? If I never challenged a fear, fought through many, many an anxiety attack - completely in full on battle between my mind, my heart, my spirit and my soul. One thing, and one thing only would keep me moving forward. </div><div><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><font color="#7b1fa2">God. </font></div><div> </div><div><br /></div><div>I will never understand closed minds, minds who are perfectly accepting of the information that's there and want no more.... NEVER. </div><div><br /></div><div>I'm far richer with the knowledge of mind, and wisdom of God than I'd ever feel with even the grandest of financial wealth. Money will never feed your soul. </div><div><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"> <iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/8QwvqKMXhL8" width="320" youtube-src-id="8QwvqKMXhL8"></iframe></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><br class="Apple-interchange-newline" /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="text-align: left;">Philippines 4: 5-7</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="text-align: left;">"Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving. Let your requests be known to God, and let the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span>Grow, change, evolve, transform, become who you were intended. We so often resist changing. It isn't the change that's so difficult people, it's the resistance to it. Human beings were made to adapt, evolve, and overcome. If we were not, children would never grow up. I'm as guilty as the next person of experiencing fear, not knowing what's ahead (if we don't stay present) can be scary, but nothing thus far as killed you -- I doubt this change will either. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span>It might just be the change that you've been dreaming about your whole life. One things for certain, </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span>Nothing ventured, is nothing gained-- and absolutely nothing beats a failure BUT a </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span>TRY!!</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span>Grace and Mercy is fresh and new,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span>everyday. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span>Go forth, with fierceness, and gusto. The first step is the only one you'll have to do with you're eyes closed... just jump. </span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span>Blessings,</span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span>Gina</span></div><div><span style="text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div></span></div></div><div><span style="text-align: center;"><br /></span></div>gbullard.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14067435699268605970noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484847551397244580.post-91292221860911084362020-06-22T06:59:00.002-05:002020-06-22T06:59:44.765-05:00Learning Silence <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Truth</div>
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Pain teaches us. Pain makes us transform. But pain is never something we experience gleefully. I certainly don't. Not deep emotional, gut wrenching pain, the pain of cruelty, rejection, or loss and grief. I've endured them all to what feels like tenfold. </div>
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I grew up in chaos, afraid 98% of the time, because my Mother was a narcissist, unstable, extremely unhappy, mean, and sometimes just plain viscous. She seemed to take pleasure in turning people against one another. </div><div style="text-align: center;"> I hid in my brother's closet throughout my childhood - it was my safe haven. The rest of the time when my little mind didn't just blackout what I couldn't process, I was in that closet, loving the blackness - playing make-believe. I was so much better than my other reality of trying to cope with the insanity of trying to be the absolute best little girl in the whole wide world - oh, but I had to be better if you will --- perfect even. I had to clean perfect, to be silent perfect, walk with the books on my head for modeling perfect, my hair had to do perfect, I had to not need nor want her - perfect, not get hurt perfect, or get in her way perfect... </div>
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Way to much for any little girl, and you know what? I still have that horrible anxiety inside myself -- that I am the problem, and I will always be - and have to be as perfect as I can. </div>
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Anxiety and fear are what's produced with these two aspects in conjunction. </div><div style="text-align: center;">Terror for such a little mind. </div><div style="text-align: center;">Absolute terror. </div>
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I'm always too much. Always just a bit too edgy, always saying more than I need, and getting on people's last nerve. That's my feelings inside. Well, on a not so good day. </div>
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I've endured some kind of separation from other folks - all my life. You see, not bonding with your Mother - leaves a huge gaping hole in your heart. A hole that never seems to come close to being fulfilled. There's always that deep inner sense of not belonging, anywhere. Not to this life even, or being able to be loved, needed, wanted, nor accepted because you're defective. </div>
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So guess what happens? Oh I'll bet you can imagine. </div>
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Those of us who had these kinds of Motherless experiences, we all know. </div>
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We draw unto ourselves, and even after years and years of therapy -- I still find myself choosing exact replica's of what produced my primary wounds. I choose more rejection, more cruelty, more non-acceptance, more expectations that no once could fulfill. More emotionally unavailable people who have no problem telling us "you're the problem" and you will always end up alone. I can't seem to stop choosing partners and often friends, out of my primary wound. </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">Thank God, this is getting better, the further away I get from addiction.</div>
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My entire life sometimes seems like a never-ending trickle, tsunami, trickle, flood, and so on, of pain. I'm tired. </div>
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I'm tired and I'm fighting (so to speak) the battle for my life with this damned addiction. It haunts me daily.... whispering in my soul, "Ah... Gina just once more...." It's so insidious, so nasty, and so relentless. I have never in my life came up against something so powerful as to make me want to lie to myself, other people I love, and that love me. It's PURE INSANITY.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> Thus the voice of Addiction at it's most powerful. "Oh, but let me help you not feel." </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Seriously. From a wee age of 14 this was my quest in life. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">And people want to judge something they don't, and cannot understand. They want to blame because they cannot comprehend the power, the force in which these chemicals have on our lives, those of us who've been bedeviled with it.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I sat here last night, and craved it's company, as I hurt on multiple levels, emotionally, spiritually, and physically - knowing I made bad choices earlier in the day. Addiction does not just affect one single area of the addicts life, no -- the compulsions and impulsive behaviors are a whole life's challenge that we deal with, daily. Dealing with the whole psyche is an ordeal in itself as one try's to make some sort of peace with their life.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Those of us who did not attach as children have a life long challenge, despite the millions of times we're taught, "you just gotta let that shit go, man!" How do you let go of a hole in your soul? Yeah, think what you're life would be like if you're mother was present, you could see her, you wanted her affection, care and love she was giving your other siblings - but you couldn't access it, ever. If you tried, you were immediately rejected. Hard. Day after day, year after year. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">It eats at your soul. If you ever have the soundness of mind, courage of spirit to let something of that magnitude resonate near you. I have because I have fought for my belonging here on this earth- but I might be one of the exceptions. I can't say it hasn't cost me. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I am still alone. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I am however, no longer dangerously lonely. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I write to let someone, even one person know that you can survive. Addiction, depression, anxiety, and wanting to die. PTSD, is the hardest, I'm really having a hellofa time right now with mine. People don't always understand, but I write for those of us who DO. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">"No temptation has overtaken you except such as in common to man; but God <i>is</i> faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear<i> it</i>. "</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">1 Corinthians 10:13</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">That is a PROMISE!! </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFpmJ8r5-wjGH5KYBbfduCgLP3Y6_qYaMIY1QKLKqhpnEskfuq5UIcqkjRx_Y9mWF3X3b2j36IsvKU1AZnd0waXx1cyIhA6b_54VG0SHMaf1YIYSCZomEiotRDR3POcgrUZ3S-7Qdytg/s640/doorofhope.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="640" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFpmJ8r5-wjGH5KYBbfduCgLP3Y6_qYaMIY1QKLKqhpnEskfuq5UIcqkjRx_Y9mWF3X3b2j36IsvKU1AZnd0waXx1cyIhA6b_54VG0SHMaf1YIYSCZomEiotRDR3POcgrUZ3S-7Qdytg/s320/doorofhope.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Always, no matter what, keep on going. No one can but you, if you have to sleep two days to conquer one, so be it. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">This too shall pass. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Nothing, absolutely Nothing, happens in God's World by mistake.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Be Blessed!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Gina </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">For Fun!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Werk! We Got Yo Hope!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">My Girl!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/o_pIU9jGdvE" width="320" youtube-src-id="o_pIU9jGdvE"></iframe></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>
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gbullard.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14067435699268605970noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484847551397244580.post-44696916960285680402020-04-27T06:12:00.000-05:002020-04-27T06:12:03.916-05:00Always Jesus <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Hitting bottom is different for all of us. Some, like myself -- we're so hard-headed - we seem to just not get enough - and we do it on and off throughout life. No, I'm not trying to beat myself mercilessly - I'm just being honest. I am a creature that has to learn the hard way --- I'm not proud of it, I certainly wish it were not the case - and I'm ready to lay down the part of me that seems to push that envelope of self-will run riot. It's peculiar because there are so many areas in my life where I know and love the art of surrender- and I have accepted that in this lifetime - powerlessness is something that we all must come to terms with. I suppose it is the "kind" of powerlessness I truly struggle with. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I am a "robust" woman. I know those of you who are reading this that know me, you're laughing-- and thinking, AH, YEAH! I thought of a name for those of us that think way too much, feel too much (whatever that is)- are too passionate, too talkative, overly sensitive, and just downright "a bit more" kind of folks -- I think the word, "zesties" is kind of cool. I am certainly not offended by it, hell, I know I am a handful at times. I have a time with my dang self. However, I love my disposition, I love my spirit, my drive, and my inner strength. I wouldn't change me, for anything -- well, perhaps my difficulty in dealing with those damn painful feelings - and how hard I fall when I lose people. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">People leave. I was never really taught that. It kind of bewildered me and I'm still working on this. I struggle with an attachment disorder (more one actually) from not bonding with my mother. I have what is called "anxious-avoidant" attachment disorder. I have problems with relationships and friendships. I was not able to learn how properly because my essential one with my mother was so traumatic. I experienced an emotionally neglectful, and nurture starved childhood. We learn how to have relationships through a healthy bond, where we feel safe and secure in the relationship with our mothers. This was not only nonexistent in my experience, but it was also abusive. I grew up afraid, sometimes terrified with deep feelings of shame because all children know when they're rejected like I was is that it has to be because something is wrong with them. I was bad, not mommy. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It took years to get her voice out of my head, and still years longer to get the demon that was created worse still I had speaking horrible criticism and shame to myself. I was ten times harder on myself than my mom ever was. I had had almost 20 years of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and I was a trained counselor myself before I had the courage to confront my mother about the comments she would make about my weight, my clothes, and everything else. It's insane how much power one person can have when we don't understand what fear is, what it does to us, how it works on us, and in us. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It was damn near impossible with my family history of Chemical Dependency - generations, at least three, if not four -- and my complete lack of a sense of self -- what I mean by this is --- I was a HULL of a person. Oh, I was there - but no one but the critic was home. All that existed in me was what I "thought" I should be, what I "sensed" other people expected, and what my fear propelled me to do. I literally lived in a perpetual state of one frightened reaction after another. I had no idea what I wanted, who I was, or anything of what might pertain to having a sense of self, or a soul. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Now, you may ask, how could this be? Living in a constant state of fear, rejection, and just more anticipation of those things - is living in a war zone. There is NO SAFETY to become who you are. It's just impossible. So, I hid. I ran. I've avoided. Throughout my life rather than deal with all of this pain, I'VE NUMBED MYSELF. Why on earth wouldn't I? Who in the world would want to have to face that kind of betrayal, shame, or absolute unimaginable pain? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Yet, I've done the best I could, and here I sit. Twenty-six years of therapy later - and I've hit bottom again. I don't really judge myself - to what end? I have enough other people who do that for me. There are some scars that are so deep it takes a lifetime to heal, and some never heal completely. The best anyone can do is know that the scars are badges of honor and places God has filled the deep crevasses with pure gold. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b>I am not </b>the sum total of my history, despite that suffering sometimes hits again and lessons have, have to be relearned. Pema Chodron also says, "The pain will leave you when the lesson is learned." I'm almost positive that's the quote - and I wholeheartedly believe this. I have looked fear in the face, but I've also gone to far with it- and pushed the envelope and dared it - an this is never good. I have been defiant, leaned on my understanding - and pushed God away - especially during times of great pain. Somehow when I'm hurting the most - something clicks in me, and I no longer trust Jesus. It's not a conscious decision, it's as if the level of emotional pain just shuts me down to everything and every source of light I allow in - I begin to go straight to intellect, and damn these feelings. My brain knows exactly how to fix this -- CHEMICALS R US. It's been this way since I was eleven years old. I do know now living in a constant state of chaos and terror has produced my PTSD. I know now - what triggers it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Alas, this last juncture - I made the worst decisions I've ever made. Here I sit, in silence, in complete defeat. Oh, I have tons of reasons, and plenty of sorrows. I've spend too much time on that already. I've lost about three years of my life, it's passed by - if not longer - isolated, around few people and the people who I did see (with exceptions of course) just mostly abused and battered me because I didn't protect myself. I walked into a world I knew nothing about, and it ate me alive. In the quest for numbness and euphoria, I traded my dignity, my belongings, my values, my friends, and my family. Most of all I hurt myself. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Isn't that just paradoxical? In the endeavor to not feel pain, I made more excruciating pain -- and created loss like never before. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>RECOVERY</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I'm not going back. I'm stopping looking backwards. I don't live there anymore. I am going to speak new truths, new word, new life into my new existence NOW!! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I have used up my rights to a chemically free peace of mind. I choose to live/abide/dwell/proclaim the perfect peace of Christ Jesus. I am HIS! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I have what He says I have, I abide in Him, not in my circumstances, and I am loved beyond my wildest dreams, my life has just begun. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">In Jesus Name, Amen. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">All Gods Grace and Favor to you!! One moment at a time, just begin right where you are, He's already there!! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>gbullard.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14067435699268605970noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484847551397244580.post-19991636839182190282020-02-21T07:55:00.004-06:002020-08-21T01:24:35.799-05:00 My Robe of Victory <br />
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There's much to be said of courage and strength. Overcoming battles be it of the mind, body, or soul, all take their toll. The current circumstances I'm enduring now and have been being one I pray profusely - I never know of another woman ever having to endure. I've been asked many times over, "how are you holding all of that together?!" I try my best to answer, and I answer as best I am able, "it's by the grace of God because otherwise, I don't know." </div>
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I was assaulted, gagged, bound, and terrorized by someone I cared for - for over two hours on July 4th, 2019. No charges were ever filed and will be filed. I have had to accept the unacceptable in these matters, I have a grand total of nine felonies against this man. No charges pending, there's always been this matter of "lack of evidence." I'm quite certain he's being protected by law enforcement. I've lost more than one can imagine, besides nearly my mind. I've been treated like garbage basically by the local law enforcement - like I'm the repeat felon - and I do not even have a parking ticket to my name, but if drugs are involved, you're a piece of excrement. But he's not and he deals it. </div>
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I over the course of almost three years, at which he spent one of them in prison, his third-round - mind you - a repeat offender, with warrants as I write -- a DUI for driving while under the influence -- with a revoked license? Wouldn't you put someone like that (with active warrants, no less?) in jail? </div>
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No, not this lucky charm, he's untouchable. Damn. </div>
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He's terrorized me in my home, he found someone intelligent enough to clone my phone, harassing me through that medium, I'd watch as the settings changed with my phone in my hand, pictures just deleted, and every email address hacked, and sheaths places over the real account so I was unable to even access my accounts, password changes numerous times a day. </div>
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This blog was made inaccessible to me. They changed the initial email address to log into the main admin page, taking me nearly a year to find. I've spent copious hours with Apple care and my apple ID because they breached my home computer. NO one believed me, and I was basically laughed at. My phone was monitored constantly messages he didn't want to send, were not, numbers he didn't want me to have - like to the sexual abuse advocate? DELETED. </div>
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HE IS A MONSTER </div>
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A living, breathing, nothing better to do with his life than to try and ruin mine, because I'M STRONGER THAN HE'LL EVER BE. </div>
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This was the presuppose of his whole plot. Beat me down mentally Physically and emotionally - and try to destroy me. </div>
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Man cannot destroy what God has claimed as His own. </div>
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Isiah 54:17</div>
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As this blog as my witness, my strength had nothing to do with him, but he wanted to master over it, but being he could not, he settled for attempting to hurt me anyway he knew how. He's a small man because he made that choice. Only a small-minded man would have made such a decision. </div>
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I've endured so much that at this writing I feel as if I will be ill, the ramifications so vast. My addiction soared, my consequences so high, I am still trying to overcome. </div>
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I'm still breathing, still striving, still not giving up, and I'll not be defeated by someone who will never know what it is to overcome one's deepest darkness at the center of their soul. I've met my souls ugliest, I've cried until I thought I'd die, I've grieved for months, YEARS on end. Courage and tenacity are a staple in Gina's life. Courage is NOT in the absence of fear. Feel that shit and do it anyways. Fear is nothing but emotional energy and it lies. </div>
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This is a representation of the robe I escaped in and wore to the hospital when I was taken to do the rape kit. I brought it home yesterday from evidence. I am making it my badge of honor. Yes, it's difficult to look at, to stomach, to feel all that goes with this garment. But, this is a concrete representation of an extremely horrific reality for me. This is what drug addiction does for you. These types of consequences are what associating with criminals and people who have no value for you, does for you. This is my reality. </div>
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No, I did not and would never deserve what happened to me, and I'm not finished yet in my pursuit of justice, because I've been wronged. The evidence bag had never been unsealed. Strange huh? There were articles in the pockets of this robe, which I find very strange. So much of what DID NOT happen as far as law enforcement is concerned on my welfare and behalf, is beyond defying all reality. I do not believe in the agony of waiting six months of "evidence to process," do I believe any evidence was ever sent in. </div>
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There are days, I just can't. I can't function, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I cannot participate in my own life. It's called PTSD. I'm fully aware of what needs to be done, it runs through my mind, which makes things worse. Knowing you need to take care of a million things yet being unable to move, is horrible. Your status is "breathing". It's the absolute best I can do many days yet. But you know what? It's perfectly okay. They're becoming less and less. Praise God. </div>
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I'm SOBER. I'm changing, and I'm growing, and I'm overcoming this nightmare. I'm not staying in this pit of hell. I don't belong here, I never really did, and I know now I'm so much stronger than I EVER REALISED!! I have so often throughout caring for this man and being so brutally rejected, his cruelty unparalleled, and his outright hatred towards me incomprehensible - the emotional pain from all of these daggers to my psyche - man have they taught me immeasurable lessons. These things, each and everyone are direct descendants to core issues of my childhood, my deepest and most heinous deficiencies of the nurturing, care, and lack of attachment that I experienced from my mother are all tied up in this nightmare. Even after Twenty-six years of self-examination and my best attempts at healing through traditional therapy - I've came a LONG way - yet still, the wound exists. I have had a reckoning, one which I believe I knew - it is not I who can heal myself -- until I release this pit of hell within my soul that perpetually tells me, "you'll never be enough", and allow God to move in my life-- I will always feel empty. I will reach for chemical fulfillment over and over, albeit food, sex, shopping, or drugs. See, my broken tools will never work, but His Perfect Work is all that can. An.... </div>
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It Is Finished. </div>
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I've been whole this entire time. I just have had a hard time accepting His Gift.</div>
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Understanding its totality is sometimes hard for us mere humans. His Gift of Grace, Mercy, and Unfathomable Love is kind of beyond the comprehension of our minds. </div>
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So although I don't know that I'd done with seeking as to why I don't deserve justice, and he is allowed to just face no punishment - I must put some kind of rest within myself to this nightmare within myself. I must trust in God's justice. I have to keep moving forward. I have to have hope in my life, and in my future. I have things to do, and I have women (and men) to encourage, strengthen, and build up - because of my story - and my suffering-- someone, somewhere, can avoid or overcome what I have endured. </div>
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All of life is circular, everything including this earth revolves. </div>
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I'm so grateful for recovery, so grateful to be clear-minded despite the battles that I have at times. I wish some of the people in my life understood more and had a bit more patience with me, but they've not walked through the pits of hell like I have. The ones that do understand, I cherish and you know who you are. I praise God for you, and because of you-- I gain strength to go forward despite the anger, the rage, and the indifference I feel some days. Never ever doubt the loyalty, dedication, and strides a true friend makes towards you when you're at your weakest and at you're darkest days. It's God in a human suit. I'm certain of it. I'm so humbled. </div>
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Now, this right here - this song means so much to me, I love Mary J. Blige so much - and this right here? It's everything. I'm going to soar once I get through this all. Make no mistake, I'm not bound to this ground, no, God's got so much in store for me, see this is why I'm here. I've got great things to do yet, I know it in my soul. Great sorrow and great pain brings about great leadership, and I've found miraculous recoveries. My life is full of miracles, and He ain't done yet. I haven't come down this far -- and suffered this much to settle for nothing - God always has a purpose behind the pain. I have so much to give of wisdom, encouragement, uplifting, and promise of grand hope inside of me, and I'm not even halfway healed yet -- can you imagine when my life really gets set on solid ground what kind of force for goodness, truth, and inspiration to be reckoned with is in me? Yeah, me too. </div>
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I've been lead to the same scriptures in Mark, Matthew, and Luke - who having a lamp places it under a stand? (Paraphrase mine) I have randomly opened my bible four times in a row, so I am pressed to believe God's telling me something. I'm sure listening. I'm going to obey this time.</div>
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This song as I began to illude to above, says so much. I hope you enjoy it and I hope you listen. It goes out to all of you -- and I'm singing to myself. </div>
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<a h="ID=SERP,5450.1" href="https://www.bing.com/images/search?q=Doubt+by+Mary+J+Blige+who+wrote+this%3f&stid=e8d96297-29e9-40b6-1422-dd271f7dd252&cbn=EntityAnswer&FORM=IARRTH" style="color: #600090; text-decoration: none;" title="Doubt"><img alt="Doubt" class="rms_img" data-bm="53" height="100" src="https://www.bing.com/th?id=AMMS_521761957900117cfc7c622b9ba54481&w=100&h=100&c=7&rs=1&qlt=80&pcl=f9f9f9&cdv=1&pid=16.1" style="border-collapse: collapse; border-spacing: 0px; border: 0px; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" title="Doubt" width="100" /></a></div>
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"Doubt" is a song recorded by American singer Mary J. Blige from her twelfth studio album The London Sessions. It was written by Blige and English musician Sam Romans, while production was helmed by Romans and American record producer Rodney "Darkchild" Jerkins.</div>
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"You think you know me,<br />
But you don't know the half,<br />
You said I'd never be someone,<br />
You think you beat me down,<br />
But I'll have the last laugh,<br />
I'll keep getting up going,<br />
Cause that's what I was born to do,<br />
I'm gonna be the best me,<br />
I'm sorry if it kills you."<br />
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Thanks for hanging in with me, please share this -- for other women who've been assaulted and have had to accept the unacceptable. So they will know they're not alone. Justice doesn't always appear in ways we think it will. May those of us who receive it in different forms be able to accept healing as it comes and not reject it because of its packaging!! I have tried to control how I wanted it for months now, and it's nearly defeated me, and my healing is in the surrender. <br />
That's how I'm getting through. Learn who you can talk to, and who's just not able to hear your pain. It's not that they don't care, sometimes they just don't know-how. God bless them. <br />
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NO MATTER WHAT, YOU MUST HEAL.<br />
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God's precious Grace and Glorious Favor to you all --<br />
Be Blessed in your comings and goings, in all you do.<br />
Amen.<br />
love,<br />
G.<br />
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gbullard.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14067435699268605970noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484847551397244580.post-71523401291685020152020-01-30T08:57:00.002-06:002020-01-30T08:57:38.811-06:00Glitter's End<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I struggled with knowing whether to begin a whole new blog or to continue with this one, and I thought to myself "you've worked so hard, continue what you began years ago." So here I am, newly sober again, struggling with life on life's terms - shaky even at times, not even believing some of the events that have taken place --- but I have to accept what is or I'll get high again. Some days are really tough, and I'll explain the best way I know how - I'm going to be as transparent as I can find words to- an open book the program calls it --- I want folks to understand this disease I have - so that they'll know that LOVE has nothing to do with a CHOICE - if it did, there would be nothing to speak of powerlessness. You see when we are powerless it means for the addict WE HAVE NO CHOICE - we must use - it's in our DNA - it is mine, if not for Jesus Christ - I'd be high now --- I love it, it soothes everything in my damn system, my pain (emotional, mental, physical, and) my rational mind. That first few seconds of pure bliss when that meth hits my bloodstream - I am in heaven, absolute friggin heaven. Everything feels right with the world!!!! I got NO problems, of ANY kind, not now, not ever. Time stands still. </div>
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Yes, you'll pay damn near any price for that. And you do. I have. I did. </div>
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Welcome back. So Glad you're here. </div>
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Never and Always. </div>
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Two opposites of the same spectrum. I have stopped saying either one of them. To me their setups for failure. Not just any failure, oh no, major life-altering disillusionment. </div>
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I said with a tinge of judgment -- which 99% conviction -- I'll never do meth-amphetamine. I have consistently said I'd never been able to see nor understand how anyone could put a spike in their arms. Well, guess what? NOW I'VE GRADUATED, I HAVE COMPLETED THE COURSE AND I AM PROFICIENT AT BOTH. No, I am not proud by any means, I'd have to be an idiot to be so. I cannot even hardly pray - and I've been a Christian for many, many years as those of you who've read my blog before are fully aware. There are just those times when the things we do are so lowly and below the standards, we've set for ourselves, we cannot even talk to God. That's where I'm at. I know He doesn't judge me, it is I who judge myself. I do not feel worthy to hardly even call Him into my presence -- Yet I need His grace more than I ever have. </div>
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Crazy isn't it? Yes, it is. </div>
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As I share with you this morning, 48 days sober - most days at some point my veins purple and plump as all get out -- seemingly standing at attention -- any blind man could hit at first poke -- I do ask Him to help me stay clean and remove from my psyche these awful cravings. The mental and physical deep yearnings for that poison is so strong in me yet - it bombards my mind a few times a day. I can handle it (me and Him) in small doses. I distract myself, I keep my arms covered as to not see my track marks or those damned fully engorged veins. It is up to me whether or not I entertain and allow the thoughts to linger. Much is up to me. I call people who understand and remind me I don't have to live that way anymore. I talk with people who have come back into my life that are HUGE blessings to me. My life will slowly heal, and the urges will subside if I don't succumb to them. I can recover from meth addiction. I will stay clean this 24 hours, I will do whatever is necessary for these 24 hours to not put that garbage into my bloodstream. </div>
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I've been to hell and back. I'm still not out yet, but I'm in a better place than I've been so far. Something inside feels lighter and less heavy. It sounds odd to say having been sober before but I think I surrendered. Like BIG. I spent the weekend with a very treasured and much-loved friend, and in conversation with her, something in me reached a reckoning. I came in Sunday and went to my Contemporary Christian music and just let go of a lot of pressure and sorrow. I have to forgive myself and somehow be able to reconcile myself back in the presence of Jesus because if I don't and find healing in Him, I don't know if I can truly get sober (minded) an stay. I had to let go of replaying triggers. I'm doing my desire for sobriety and a new life a hell of a disservice. I need all the positives, "attaboys" and the rest right now, I'm just a fresh newly sprouted tiny grotesquely green spark of a sapling. But I am a sapling, and I am going to be one to be reckoned with. </div>
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I realize this will be a shock to some, my being this transparent and it's not that I am trying by no means to be in any one's face with anything- because I'm truly not attempting that either, I wish to enlighten, encourage, and dispel the tightly held untruths about addiction. If you know anything about me, if I'm breathing and in my right mind, I am attempting to teach something, or at the very least encourage someone. It's just how God made me, and even though I have often suffered behind the naivety in and to this spirit of giving - I refuse to be other than exactly who He made me. I will be judged.</div>
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I LOST PEOPLE BEFORE</div>
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IT WAS BECAUSE OF MY LOSSES I GOT HERE</div>
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I LET GO OF GOD</div>
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Humans make bad God's, Chemicals are bad coping mechanisms. </div>
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John 16:33</div>
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<strong class="highlight" style="background-color: #fff9da; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; color: #a23021; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; list-style: none; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;">These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world. </strong></div>
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The struggle is real.</div>
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This video is my final tribute of dying and dead chapter in my life-- </div>
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"I don't wanna let you go, I think about you now everywhere I roll, somewhere down the road I lost my soul, and I know cause it glitters doesn't mean it's Gold - </div>
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I don't want to hurt nobody, I just want to let the truth be told, I don't want to hurt nobody, But I'm about to lose my self-control."</div>
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"Glitter" Jelly Roll/Struggle Jennings </div>
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I didn't loose my soul, but damned near everything else. </div>
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Today, my heart is right again, expansion has began into how my suffering can cease to be just crying myself to sleep - I have said thoughout this period of insanity -- I will pull through this, I will become more than I ever dreamed possible. The reason I state this has NOTHING to do with my utterly gross mistakes and misgivings but what I know with certainty - God can do... I know in deepest and most utmost recesses of my heart - God will take what man has used for evil -- and He will use it for His glory!! I have so much healing to do, and I will learn a great deal along my path with Jesus. The disease of addiction lies, uses us, and we're it's vessel for destruction, it wants us nothing more but dead. </div>
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MINE CANNOT HAVE ME. </div>
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I have already been adopted into the lineage through Abraham by faith and redemption, I belong to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. </div>
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May God Bless and Keep you, </div>
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Gina</div>
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gbullard.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14067435699268605970noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484847551397244580.post-36924915907028204072019-03-09T07:43:00.003-06:002019-03-09T07:43:35.618-06:00Lie to Me<br />
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"Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes."<br />
Carl Jung <br />
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There's so much flying around in my mind I am not certain where to begin. I know what I want and need to convey it's just where to start. I find myself in a really odd place in my life. It's almost as if I'm not really sure how I got here. I don't mean that as I take no responsibility for where I am, no it's not that - it's more like I haven't really even had the energy or the ability to pay close attention. At least that is how it feels at this moment. Depression. It's getting worse. I have never had the symptoms of not being able to get up - you know sleeping all the time? Well, I have been sleeping for almost 24 hours (close to it) in the last few weeks. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything. Oh, it bothers me, don't get me wrong - it driving me nuts. The energy it takes to get up and sit here - it's about all I have. It took me 5 days to pay bills -- normally it's the first thing I do when my check hits the bank. </div>
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I don't know - I'm hoping some of the things that are trying to get worked out-- get worked out soon. I can go and see a psych. I need help working through what I've been through. Sounds odd doesn't it when it's said out loud -- like a merry-go-round. Believe me, that's what it feels like.</div>
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What is weighing so heavily is what has ended up being my plight with people. So many assumptions have been made. People actually think they know me from the place I'm in right now. I hardly allow other people's opinions of me bother me, but there's so much of it going around right now-- it just feels awful. Everyone backs away from me like I have the plague. People will not ask questions because they're afraid -- so they assume and jump to conclusions. And boy the conclusions. It's almost comical. Nothing I can do about it -- I've even lost a friend of 45+ years in the last month or so. People love to judge - all the while they hypocritically do what they do in private. I don't judge - what's the point? Where I'm at is because I was stupid enough to say the demon word "NEVER", oh and there's another one that's just as ridiculous... I"ALWAYS" they are both setups!! Don't do it, I'm telling you, it will come back around and make you eat your words plus have to deal with whatever it was you declared you ALWAYS did or NEVER was going to do!!! </div>
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There are very few that could survive what I have been through in my life. I'm a tough old bird. No one really knows the whole story -- not even my (past) friend of 45+ years. I've not really met anyone that wanted to know it all! I don't blame them, hell my own mind blocked a whole hell of a lot out especially for me! </div>
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I am having a very difficult time with motivation in getting done what I need to get done. It is hard without support. I have been able to at least pray small short prayers. It's more than I was able to do for a while -- I was just completely shut down emotionally -- just numb. I think I have been on autopilot - at least as far as just living goes. Somehow I manage to eat, do laundry - things like that - but that's about it. I manage to keep my basic life details intact but I did mess up my funds this month - because of self-medicating. I need to see a psychiatrist. My meds are in serious need of adjustment. I have been trying to get by with my primary physician and what I was prescribed previously and it's just not working any longer. I'm in serious need of an overhaul. Problem being - I cannot afford to pay 20% of said Psych. <br />
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I'm fighting my addiction daily. Sometimes I win, sometimes I don't. Many people don't understand this. Oh, how, however, they do like to judge -- what is so damned interesting to me is -- how folks attempt to make a judgment call on something they cannot begin to comprehend. It's just something I think about - a lot. It really tears me up too - how different chemicals - are on different levels of "Oh my God - they're doing THAT???" Ah, folks, they're all just mood-altering chemicals - I fail to see or understand why -- any of them need be placed into the horrendous categories that society places them in. Wasn't it ah, about 20 years ago -- if that long that alcoholics were skid row bums?? People that hung around on the corner - begging for money and drinking out of paper sacks. Ah, yeah. It just floors me - how people love to judge what they do not understand. <span style="color: red;">People fear what they do not understand. </span>All addiction is devastating. All of it can and will kill if not arrested folks. It rips families apart - it destroys nearly everything it comes into contact with if it continues on a long-term basis, and there is no intervention. Addiction is progressive, it is deadly, it follows a known path (to destruction) at some point it renders it's the user powerless and incapable of stopping - needing the drug in order to attempt to feel or obtain some kind of normalcy. There are specific markers - that addicts and alcoholics go through - stages - predictable phases and this is why it is a disease. Many people do not believe and that's fine. People love to blame -- I have known a few that ended up having the disease themselves over there nasty attitudes towards the disease -- and man are they in deep denial. Life is odd like that -- sometimes. It is a huge piece of why I do not judge -- I don't want to find myself sitting in the same shitty pool of nastiness I have thought about another human -- because it can and sometimes does happen. It's all back to the NEVERS. It doesn't feel real good, trust me. <br />
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So here I am, isolated, fairly deeply depressed, not really one human to talk with who I really trust - and fighting a battle from hell. It feels a lot like trying to climb out of a well that's been slathered with grease. Hell of a metaphor don't you think? I just can't seem to get a hold of anything. I really do well to get a grocery list finished - but you see - people don't want to hear that. People want you to lie and tell them I'M FINE. GREAT! So that's what I'm going to do. It seems to be the only way to keep them from running away. I don't know if it's the times, or people are that damn shallow. Yeah, shallow. It's like the "happy, happy, joy, joy" society. I've never belonged. I guess I never will. I'm a realist, I say what I think, and how I really feel. It doesn't go over real well, and people surely judge you by it. <br />
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(He's all of 16 years old here-- plz check Johnny out. He's amazing.)</div>
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I hate that people take a slice of your life - and determine who you are because of where you're at - at that particular time or season. Assumptions are made, and it may only be a tiny slice of your life - but their minds have slammed shut on who you are. It's damn frustrating - especially when you've been through what I have been through in the last year and a half. I have endured probably the most traumatic time in my entire life - it represents nothing like I've ever gone through in my life -- but it's now the example of who I am. WoW. Really? So you think based on where I am at now -- everything else in my life prior is null and void? Do you even know how I got here? No, it doesn't matter because it's not relevant -- judgments already been made.<br />
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This is from the Myers Briggs Personality type test. Check it out - I am an INFJ - only 2% of the entire population are my personality type -- pretty rare. It's a very excellent way of getting to know yourself. I recommend it highly. </div>
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It's difficult when you don't put others in boxes, with four walls of who you have declared them to be - and why. You know, that mental quadrant folks love to place around people in our lives -- the categories, the sections like in the mail sorting rooms -- "good", "bad" -- "sort of okay" - it's drives me insane. The world where people are mind readers -- and they can see into crystal balls. Fortune tellers, and psychics. It's odd too because I'm an empath - I can read a person in just a few seconds upon meeting them -- but what is so interesting -- I see good in people -- I see a person's potential. I can sense the negative and also the dangerous - but it's not what I necessarily focus upon. I do know it's there. I don't judge it - I just observe. That is what I love about people -- observing and learning - from them, who they let me know they are versus who I sense they are. <br />
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What is heartbreaking? Getting the exact opposite of those in my life. Oh well. Not much I can actually do -- I'm done trying to explain -- just DONE. <br />
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Expectations ---- KILL. <br />
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Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. <br />
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I won't be in this place forever. I promise anyone that. Especially myself, that's all that seems to matter anyway. <br />
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To thine own self be true. <br />
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God Bless. </div>
gbullard.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14067435699268605970noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484847551397244580.post-42160249675214943722019-01-25T06:41:00.002-06:002019-01-25T06:41:25.551-06:00 Hope's Return <br />
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I am not sure where to begin. The last year of my life has perhaps been one of the most difficult to endure, although on a much different level of existence than I have ever experienced before. I have spent copious amounts of time alone with nothing other than my thoughts and said thoughts not being productive, positive, nor in any sense of the realm - life-enhancing. I spent several months fighting suicidal ideation and planning. I spent said months with a straight razor in the overhead shelf - just waiting to slice my carotid artery on my neck and the femoral artery on my leg, knowing fully of the finality of these actions. I was completely alone and devoid of any feeling other than pain, the inability to generate any real reasons as to not take my life -- it seemed logical at the time. If it had not been for my cat and one friend - I don't know if I would be here today. I certainly did not have any internal motivation for continuing my existence.<br />
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More than anything - I felt trapped. I still do to a certain degree. I lost hope. If you know my blog - then there is an understanding of the significance of the devastation that I endured and how deeply I was depressed as well as the bottom that I reached. For me to lose hope is like a flag to no longer flys in the wind. It is about as devastating a state of being that I would have believed to found myself in.<br />
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I have spent months and months emotionally numb. Not actually choosing to be void of emotion, but more of a state of apathy. I would classify it as knowing in my mind --the lack of emotion - but it was more like a passing thought - certainly not a concern. I still struggle to connect my mind and heart accessing emotions from the experiences of the recent past. <br />
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I have shared part of what I went through in the last few blogs. I do not wish to go back into those issues, but what I will share is that even when (and if) you have the ability to forgive someone for what seems to others as the unforgivable -- do not allow the source of said pain of cruelty back into your life. Your ability to forgive is your superpower it has nothing to do with their ability and capacity to further be a destructive force in your life. Evil is evil, and it has no place in or near the heart or home of a person who embodies goodness. Destruction will always try to destroy what is good, I believe because it knows it's evil. Darkness cannot exist nor prevail in the presence of light. The light will always reign over the darkness, no matter what. Light illuminates and exposes darkness for what it is -- nothing but a mere shadow. Sometimes only a shadow straight out of the pits of hell.<br />
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Love this prayer. Love Marianne. </div>
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I have fallen back (for lack of better verbiage) into my addictions this last year. I won't say I'm ashamed - it's just what we do as addicts trying to deal with the symptoms of trauma, inability to face or feel through difficult issues, intense emotional pain and the like. I do not justify - merely describe. I don't know of too many who could have endured this isolation as well as the issues I have had to face - and stayed sober. There have been times I thought I would just go insane here in this space alone - no human contact for days. The absolute odd element was that often the only interaction I would have with anyone would be with fellow addicts. A lot of the time, the only help I would be offered - rides to and back from the store - etc. - was from fellow addicts. Sometimes even now its still true. I've felt more compassion, more empathy, and much more willingness to help me from people I've gotten high with than people I've gone to church with. This is beyond my belief - and extremely disheartening. I know exactly why -- the addicts don't judge me like the Christians do. Yes, that is what I said. Those that believe they're in an elite status -- (in their minds) distance themselves, therefore they would never admit it, somehow, somewhere there is an egoic mentality -- of superiority. I have felt it inside my own home church. It isn't acceptable to be "different" and still fit in. One will surely find themselves alone one their pew for perhaps years -- and I did. I have always been one people where just not quite sure of. The oh so odd thing is - I love people (and kitties) probably more than most. Yet, the level of my honesty has (I guess) been too difficult for most. It is difficult for me to understand most of the time, in order for me to live - in sobriety anyway- rigorous honest was the only way I could stay alive. I took the tools presented to me, deeply to heart. I have never been one to lie, nor hurt someone with the truth either - but most don't want to hear your truth. It makes them uncomfortable. I have been shunned by quite a few. It's perfectly alright - it is who I am now, I don't hide behind what is "acceptable" in society - that to me is nonsense. I'm not pretending for anyone. I don't even believe I could. I actually fail to see any purpose in it. </div>
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Oh, Eckhart. How true. What a thinker I am. This is one of my favorite quotes. I spent many years avoiding feeling <span style="color: red;">anything.</span> My desire to not feel is what propelled my addiction. Well, this and the massive "black hole" in my gut. All addicts/Alcoholics have it - even if they won't admit it. Some don't really know what it is or have the ability to define it as such. I truly believe we are born with it. it's like a part of us is missing. It's kind of like a deep sense of longing for something- someone- somewhere - inside that is so elusive and evasive that the searching, the longing - seems to never end. Just when it seems it might be somewhat satisfied, it begins gnawing and it's hungry again. It is a constant state of emptiness, it tells you that you are not enough, you don't belong - you don't measure up - you are defective - and once you find that substance which fulfills that need --- it's never enough no matter how much or how often. I recall waking up when I was truly at the height of my addiction in my teen years and early 20"s the very first thought upon waking, I would have my very first thoughts of "how am I going to get high today." Those thoughts were never far from my consciousness - They were on replay 24-7 even when I was so high -- it was never ending - because where is the next one coming from? What do I have to do to make it happen, where do I have to go, do I have to steal, manipulate, or talk out of? The preoccupation was a living nightmare. This is why living in the present now is so extraordinary. I can be present and be free of that burden. </div>
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Even though I am still struggling, I have much to be grateful for and I am indeed grateful. No, my life is far from where it should be, and I slip still. I have very little support. I have found people so selfish. selfish beyond my imagination. I don't even like being in this world right now. It is brutal. The majority of humans could care less if you eat, see anyone for months on end - and will do absolutely NOTHING for you. NO matter what your circumstances are. I'm living proof of this. It literally makes me sick. I just know it must be breaking Jesus's heart. It must because it breaks mine. Oh yeah, people want to jabber about being this and being that-- but when it's time to do what you've said you would? You can hear the crickets chirp!!! No one's home!!! And I'll tell anyone flat out -- if you can't stand behind you're word? There's nothing to you. Don't mean to be rude -- that is just HARD COLD FACT. It's just another flimsy, fake, plastic person. I won't apologize -- I say what I mean and I mean what I say. I guess I"m a part of a dying breed. <b> Kindness, honesty, authenticity, integrity, and being genuine are all attributes I have worked the majority of my life to uphold as a human being. </b>It is how my father raised me. I mess up at times, we all do - but each new day -- we get another chance. Just like God's mercy - it's renewed and (praise God) we can set our sails towards being the best versions of ourselves with the dawn. </div>
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I want to make something clear. I have been judged and actually, people have turned their backs on me - just cut me out of their lives because of my addiction. My across the way neighbor - I was honest with her about what had been taking place in my life - and all of the sudden I was just shut out. it's happened to me on several occasions. To me - and I mean no disrespect - it is ignorance. By this, I mean lack of knowledge. It really blows my mind how people actually believe that one of us (for example) is "better" or "worse" than another based upon behavior. <b>Behavior does not define a person.</b> This in itself I suppose is where the rubber meets the road. This is where the knowledge of humans is so limited. Being trained no less nor differently than any traditional therapist - I understand why and how this happens. People become afraid that what "you " do will, in fact, look like it is a reflection of who you associate with. Of course, there are all sorts of other things to consider. Things that attribute. <u><b>We fear what we do not understand.</b></u> We distance ourselves from it. This way if it is indeed harmful - (just in case) said thing is less likely to be able to harm us. There's also the concern about society's opinion. I still have a hard time with people that make fun of addicts especially depending upon the type of substance used. I have seen posts on social media where people are absolutely cruel towards those of a highly addictive drug when in fact there should be support and prayer. It sickens me. It may well be that I being who I am and what I know - realize the substance, mode of ingestion, frequency -- all of this is merely a symptom of the disease. We do not make fun of people with cancer, or diabetes, why do we belittle addicts? It's barely been 10 years since alcoholics were the target - skid row bums. Are we so petty as a society - as to need to make someone who's already suffering - perhaps more than anyone will ever comprehend - feel less than human? What is the purpose of this I ask? What kind of sick pleasure is found in kicking someone who is already aware of how far down their life has gone, and the consequences piling up way overhead. Really??? I don't know -- maybe I'm a horse of a different color. </div>
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An addictive substance - I don't care what it is -- (and why should you) is just that - a chemical -- that fits the receptor sites in the brain. I don't care if it's marijuana, beer, vodka, hydrocodone, methamphetamine, Xanax, acid, YOU name it-- there is a process called neurotransmission of the receptor sites in the brain. So many things just fit into these sites just like our own natural chemical transmission of hormones -- and reuptake inhibitors. <u style="font-weight: bold;">I fail to comprehend why there is so much judgment as to what chemical is used to feed the demon??</u> I especially fail to understand it from those who haven't a CLUE what addiction is - but want to sit on the sidelines and judge someone who is fighting it or in its throws. Again, <span style="color: red;">REALLY? </span>What right does anyone have to look down their proverbial nose at another? </div>
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I adore this. I am still a kid at heart. I hope I will always be. Growing older isn't much fun, but there isn't much can be done about it. We are complex human beings. I am a firm believer that our differences, diversity is what makes our lives so rich and fulfilling. I don't want to have to eat the same damn meal every day - over and over -- would you? Nope, I would just eventually stop eating. Discovery whether it be in a forest, or on a beautiful sandy beach somewhere tropical - that ability, that awesome possibility of finding something that you have never seen before - is so exciting to me. I really love that feeling as well as that possible potential for a new experience! I pray that I never lose that spark or that sense of awe and wonder. I cherish those feelings, they let me know I'm alive. I know that I don't know everything.. how could I? But there are people out there that believe they do. That is scary to me. I love the feeling of expansiveness in the knowing that more is to come in knowledge and life's experiences. That is like one of the coolest things for me. I have little time to be concerned with who does what with what or how or any of those types of things. I am not even living up to my own potential, I know it, so who am I to condemn anyone of anything? I just simply have NO NEED. </div>
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One of my most loved bible verses is: There is, therefore, no condemnation in Christ Jesus. Not sure exactly where it came from - what book of the bible - what verse -- but that particular passage was a big part of what set me free of many chains in my relationship with Christ. I assure you if my Jesus isn't condemning me? There is no place in my heart to do so with anyone else either. So many times it all comes back to me - why I adore Marianne Williamson - her book "A Return to Love" - also it's part of her beliefs - "there are only two emotions -- love and fear." She purports that when we are living in fear, we cannot experience love, when we are living in love, fear cannot exist. I love that. She is a phenomenal woman if you do not know of her or her work, I highly recommend her. She is quite the extraordinary child of God. She is a miracle worker who teaches all of us how to be miracle workers too. Goodness do we ever need this very kind of encouragement in our lives now, and someone who upholds us to a loving state of mind as well as a heart. I sincerely hope you seek her out. You have the same potential as I did when I first graced her healing power. I promise you will never be the same. </div>
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Forgive the length. It's been a while! God Bless, always.</div>
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It's good to be back. </div>
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God Bounty and Luscious Grace to you. </div>
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G. </div>
gbullard.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14067435699268605970noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484847551397244580.post-73777332615951151772018-07-26T06:55:00.000-05:002018-07-26T06:55:05.883-05:00Ties That Bind - A Submission From 7-12-18 - A Brutal Betrayal <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This is the account of the experience of my life. The brutal seven days from July 5-12, 2018 are indelibly marked in my mind as well as my heart. Little did I know how much would transpire, and how powerful this time would end up being, how much change would take place, affecting my life beyond belief. Please think twice when placing yourself in the care of a Mental Health Facility. What can look like a professional organization doesn't not always mean it's a healthy environment -- and it does not promise that you won't endure abuse by said system. I'm here to tell you -- it CAN HAPPEN. Below is my personal hell and final account with a VERY unhealthy "Mental-Health" Facility deemed on getting revenge. I guess there is just some sickness and some "so-called" professionals in charge - that don't like being confronted with the truth that will go to ANY lengths to abuse said powers, albeit, via deception or ruse. <br />
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<b>Mental Illness, Addiction, and Chronic Pain</b> - all of these issues such delicate things to balance in an individual's life. All of these conditions - in reality - are what is called <u>"silent illnesses" - they can't under ordinary circumstances be "seen" just by looking at an individual for "proof" of the beholding, or identifying markers of their presence in a person's life.</u> Especially true of physical pain, and mental illness. Sometimes what the beholden endures - is so offensive, so shocking, especially these days with the <b>"WAR" on opiates </b>- pain medication - for those of us who suffer and have for years with chronic, often debilitating pain. <br />
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I went through just this month, an abusive ordeal in a "mental health facility" hell bent on forcing me to comply, and sign a hard copy -- in admission - that I was/am indeed <b><u>"Addicted" to opiates.</u></b> A plan was devised, a deception (without my knowledge) unbeknownst to me had been set into motion to attempt to<b> force the removal of prescribed medications </b>(throwing me into a vicious withdrawal) given to me by my primary Physician for documented (17+ years ) of medical conditions. It was the facilities aim to <u>(all Psychiatrists, Nurse Practitioners, and Support Staff) </u>remove my prescribed medication, even <u>to the point of hostility and belittling, with absolutely flat out denial as well as refusal to discuss documented FACT of my longstanding, relevant disabilities</u>. <u>When I attempted to raise issues in defense pertaining to my conditions, I was met with the staff's response of, "we aren't going to discuss that</u>!" <span style="color: red;">Wow.</span> Is this America? Have people lost their bloody minds? <b> Have we reached a place with this medication insanity - where a person such as myself -- HAVE NO RIGHTS? Something here about this Hydrocodone deal has to be addressed. This is pure INSANITY, people, has everyone lost their mind? </b><br />
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The plan was to place me on <b><u>Suboxone</u></b> - the <u>hottest and most prescribed</u> new <b>"Opiate of choice</b>" - with many nasty side affects, a withdrawal from HELL - compared to with that of Methadone (you don't even want to know). But alas, what is so special about this particular drug? There's lots and lots of<b> BIG Pharma funding</b> right now for it's push and use in programs such as where I was. It <b>blocks feelings of euphoria </b>that one might have from other opiates, and supposedly reduces cravings for other drugs. There's pro's and con's alike out there-- Everyone seems to be being put on it these days- even pregnant women - Lord knows at what expense by it being such a new drug, and trials surely not being certain to the possibility of harm to these women's babies. There were five women I think there and most of them were on it. Seems damn near everyone was on it. What I was unable to comprehend as I researched the drug,<b> it's just another addictive substance.</b>.. what gives? Why would someone such as myself do that - there's no way in hell - I'm going to be in full blown pain, how does this make any sense in my case? Even if <b>I am not being believed</b> in my medical/surgical history --<b> I have SO many scars on my body </b>(and in my defense<b> I SHOWED them</b>) where I have had multiple surgeries in attempts to correct the ailments pertaining to what is causing my pain. <br />
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<b>I was belligerent, I came unhinged, I was enraged </b>- I wonder what anyone would have done? Here I was, a former Chemical Dependency Counselor -- being berated, told - what and who I was. I had a televised appointment with their "program" physician who told me flat out that<b> he did not care if I was in "full blown pain"</b> I was to come off the opiates -- at which I just got up and walked out of the office. It was like a nightmare in real life - except there was no waking up. FINALLY.. after an agonizing seven days - I was discharged - and allowed to leave. Oh, I knew there were going to be severe consequences, because of the plot and the plan that had been laid - I did not comply with the "orders" set before me, I knew now I'd have to pay. I had no idea I'd already been discharged from all services -- here at the Bluff. Odd,<u> I had received a letter upon arriving home that said I had ten days to respond - yet when I called I was informed I had been discharged a day before 7-11-18) I was discharged from the other program? </u> I'm befuddled, bewildered, and ah, at this point it's beginning to seem funny, how all of this has ensued. <br />
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What I want to be known here is that at no time <u>have I ever had an intake or an assessment for my "so called" <b>use/abuse/addiction of Opiates.</b></u> I realize what I am saying. But please hear what I need to vocalize - <span style="color: #cc0000;">it is my fervent belief that documents have been falsified in my case history - charting done that is illicit. The last communication that I received stated, "your self-confessed opiate addiction" -- this is a an outright untruth.</span> An outright LIE. I was sent to a program on complete and utter deceptive pretenses - an organization that I have trusted with the health and welfare of my mental stability for over seven years -- betrayed my trust -- and attempted to force me to admit something that just is not the truth. <b>WORDS put into my mouth</b>. Never in my WILDEST dreams could I have ever believed something like this could have happened, but it has, and I have no idea what to do. They are fully aware I have no financial ability to seek legal counsel so they have the upper hand. <u> But dear God -- if they will do this to ME with the intelligence that I have - what are they doing to those that DO NOT??? </u><br />
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IT horrifies ME!!!<br />
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When the truth has been used against you - and all seems lost - don't be dismayed. It would seem so easy to cave in and give up -- ah, but NO ONE knows that strength and the tenacity I bestow -- it is my Father's blood running threw my veins. I don't have a QUIT. Do what you will in said sickness. I will survive. I promise that. I've survived the living hell on a level no equivalent will ever know. Vicious and so evil -- well let's just say -- my mind took over and blotted out the remains of those days. I was a mere little tot way back then, and I still overcame. Just imagine what I'm capable of now... after all I've experienced along the way. <br />
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I lost my Gracie, my girl. It was so unnecessary - to have gone through this debacle derived out of pure deception with no intent to help me. How cruel - I cannot even fathom. My service animal - hit by a car - dead on the side of the road - I can't get it out of my head. We can't even find her to bury her - she was all I had - and now she's dead. I hope everyone is real proud of the work that's been done. <b> Mission accomplished ... job well done! </b><br />
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I profusely apologize to those who read my blog - this is now a positive posting. It is nothing like my usual content. I still believe it needs to be verbalized, for the sake of it's content. Organizations of this magnitude have a great deal of power. Don't blindly trust - like I did. Do your research as best you can. Dig and dig more one the professionals it employs. Confront red flags when they erupt, trust yourself. I should have walked away from this organization some time ago - I didn't and this is what has happened as a result. Attempting to "hang in there" is not always a good choice. I will tell you when you come from a background of abuse, we often make excuses for intolerable behavior --- we tend to "normalize it" even though we know in our guts it wasn't okay. Believe in yourself and trust your intuition, it's the greatest gift you'll ever receive in this life. It will lead you into all truth if you allow it...honor it, and know the power of it's truth. It's God inside of us - what and Who that is to you. This guide loves us and wants what is right, best, and true always in our lives -- trust is so hard for so many of us. We trust things we shouldn't and don't trust what we need to. <br />
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My prayer will be for all of you to - as with myself-- learn to listen and discern that voice inside of us -- each and everyone who always has our BEST interest at heart. The one that will lead us and guide us safely, honorably, to the best places in life where we belong, were we should have been all of our lives. Please if you will, pray for me - the is a really hard place in my life. I am not certain what my fate is going to be, loosing my beloved animal so tragically. I share this video with you -- it's been a strength to me since I got home. It was shared with me from a friend, and now I share it with those of you. <br />
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To my girls who might read this-- you're spirits, your smiles, your courage, your strength is still with me. I was an honor to have been in your company even if it was for a short while. All of you gave me back a hope that I haven't had for some time. Thank each and every one of you for the compassion, the kindness, the warmth, and especially the enormity of strength in our connectedness a power that transcends all time and space. I miss you guys. I'm there in spirit. Always know you so worth each and every right decision you make - run toward wholeness (not that you aren't already) - do not let anything deter your personal journey. Know you're loved, know you're blessed, and you will always rise above!! <span style="color: red;"><b> To Thine Own Self Be True.</b></span></div>
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Thank you Jesus - for building and sustaining my strength - </div>
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Thank you Daddy - for the tenacity, courage, and persistence - </div>
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I DON'T HAVE A QUIT! </div>
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God Bless all of you, Until we meet again. G.<br />
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<br />gbullard.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14067435699268605970noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484847551397244580.post-47513135742815099502018-06-30T08:36:00.000-05:002018-07-12T19:39:32.933-05:00Turning Points<br />
Today is one one of the more painful days I've experienced in my life and so was yesterday. <br />
Getting breath in and out has been a struggle. Sleep as been illusive, I watched every hour go by like drops from a leaky faucet. The last six months of life have been and are taking me to task at a place I'm not familiar with at all. I am attempting to find myself in this rubble of what I thought was my life. Partially deconstructed by choices I've made, and the rest? If I'm honest with myself - the choices that were made were not made from my best sense of knowing. Nope. They were made out of loneliness, desperation, and dis-ease. Choices made out of disquiet of the mind and a disheartened soul will not lead you to any sense of peace. That is as much of any kind of sense I am able to make out of this unfamiliar place I find myself in. Yet, here we all are - in this separated, distant, and disconnected world acting as if nothing is wrong - that we are all "FINE", when in reality there's few of us that are, we're just become good at faking it. Some people can do that, day after day. I cannot, I am far too sensitive and intense an individual to stuff all that inside day after day. Neither of those characteristics make a person insane - although I sure have been treated as if I am plenty of times. Matter of fact - I'm much more in-tune with reality than most, I feel everything, and then some. The problems lie in the that those living in the haze of make-believe when challenged by the truth. Ah, they'll say "the truth is relative", and deny it until the end, but for us old-souls, those who know what is by the senses of their spirits, denial is futile. The greatest battle is with those in a position of authority when we are in an abusive situation, in harms way, or in need of someone to protect your life. <br />
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Emptiness and feelings of separation from other people were emotional circumstances I'd known my entire childhood. Being denied, being unvalidated as having any kind of voice as a person in any realm was the only experience I'd ever known growing up. What I recall in my memories growing up weren't all bad, some were quite good, times with my father and all of the wonderful things he taught me. It's the blank spaces that haunted me, and the hours spent hiding in closets, frightened and terribly afraid. I have dealt with most of my disabling fears, and I have worked diligently through years and years of therapy. People will often say -- who have had no traumatic background "you just gotta let that go", to wit - I find most humorous. Traumatic experiences and years of neglect map the pathways of our brains. It isn't something that can be just "gotten over". I still loose time in highly stressful periods in my life. Being an anxious avoidant type of personality - affects all of the relationships (as much as I hate it) in my life - even as much as I work, and work, and apply myself to the theories of healing to guard against it. <br />
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I have just been through - for whatever reason this season of my life - one of the most difficult periods where I have had so much destruction and I have been unable, despite literally screaming for help multiple times, to speak loudly enough - or in the right manner - or to do so without dismissal. My pleas for for help fell on deaf ears, on ears of judgement, upon ears with no compassion. Speaking the truth does not guarantee that you will be protected, nor served. So much in this world is how it appears, not how it actually is. People believe exactly what they want to believe, despite the facts. There is little one can do about those so called facts. <br />
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Some choices we make, can seal our fate. It seems to make you or place you in a position of being a sub-human or less than these days. People may not even know what took place or have any idea what an individual went through - yet condemn them anyway. As if anyone has lived an exemplary life. Jesus said, "Let he who is without sin among you - let him throw a stone at her first." NKJV John 8:7 None of us are without sin. We all make mistakes. We all 'miss that mark'. <br />
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I suppose in some folks eyes, some mistakes are worse than others, some more forgivable - and some just not. I'd beg to differ. However, I have not been one in my lifetime to judge, I have learned a long time ago - to separate behavior from the person. I see spirit over actions made. We're all fallible. All in the realm of forgiveness - and trust me, I have had to forgive those who have done the seeming unforgivable to me. It has made me stronger and wiser, it's given me strength to endure. I did not expect my voice to be so silent however, or to be outrightly ignored. There's a pressure there that no one understands unless you've been through it. Its maddening. <br />
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Seasons do end. Change will always come because on a basic level, we live on an evolving planet - with recycling human suits. I am a child of God - I know this some days, stronger than others - I don't easily admit. I have a difficult time when I am in deep emotional pain feeling connected to God, but that's my issue not His - He doesn't go anywhere - I'm the the one that pulls away. Far as I know it's pretty par for the course with humans. I am going to come out of this bottom I've hit just like all the other's I've hit before. I am a survivor at heart, myself and God -- and I'm sure learning the hard way that my understanding everything is SO futile. The harder I try, the more mud I pull up. It's perfectly okay -- because scripture tells me to 'lean not on my own understanding' and I keep doing it. It's that deal - doing the same thing over and over? Well most of you know the rest. I've surrendered, and I'm going to do it a different way. Praise God. I have to. I went to far down this time. I lost hope in mankind. I never thought I'd see that day, but I did. Pulling out old tools to try and fix any problem will not work. We know they don't work. There is no knowledgeable defense against the disease of Addiction or Alcoholism. Depression untreated properly just fuels the fire. Do what is needed to do, despite what is happening in your life. Don't stop until you get what you need. I don't care how many times you have to scream. Keep praying, keep reaching, and keep believing. The God of your understanding will make a way where there is none.<br />
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God Bless you all!!! gbullard.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14067435699268605970noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484847551397244580.post-88173888033313539992018-05-17T06:08:00.001-05:002018-05-17T06:08:20.095-05:00Growing Pains<br />
Life. It's what we get when we think we have other options. It certainly isn't succinct with the drama's or dreams if you will, that run in our heads. I'm learning more and more that most of what dreams live in my mind, are just that - illusions. Implements deemed to protect - a fallacy. More often than not, you will be only further abused in that wake. Especially if you've ever made mistake one. <br />
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We are now living in a world where predators can and are allowed to do anything they see fit, with no consequences. They can virtually take anything from you - your car, your money, your only means of communicating with the outside world -- and not be held accountable. It's nearly impossible to even obtain help from law enforcement if you are a woman period. Particularly if you made any kind of mistake whatsoever. <br />
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I have been put into the position of having to do investigation work by myself ... with no means of transport -- and I would imagine mostly because it was known that I would not be able to obtain information. It was never intended for this case to be prosecuted. This is the bottom line. <br />
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well, I am here today to say - it isn't over until the pretty lady sings. <br />
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Yes, I'm distraught. I'm dismayed. But I am not defeated. <br />
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My Lord doesn't intend for this child to be treated as anything other than His child. Our circumstances do not define us. They help us grow. All glory be to the Father. <br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/xUT4trsrBCw" width="480"></iframe>gbullard.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14067435699268605970noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484847551397244580.post-22702064936748980002018-05-13T11:58:00.004-05:002018-05-13T11:58:45.299-05:00The Illusion of Separation <br />
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Not sure where I am going this morning but I feel the need to share. If nothing else, to let someone, anyone know that no matter how far we may go down into the depths of despair, into what feels like utter disillusion, we have a Savior who still loves us as He always has. <br />
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I am one who even after being a christian for well over 30+ years still can struggle with separating myself from God during the times when I need Him so desperately. In times of unbelievable pain - somewhere in my carnal mind I have some sort of default reflex that pushes God away. The best answer that I have been able to conclude is that this is some sort of old, worn out coping mechanism from childhood. It didn't do me much good then - but things like this aren't easily uprooted. <br />
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Most of you know that read my blog, I am pretty forthright in sharing the struggles of my life in hopes that my trials as well as my ability to overcome but for the Grace of God -- might inspire or lend hope for anyone who's struggling. Even though I've rarely gotten feedback, I persist because God has placed this very medium upon my heart. I'm sure that many think me a fool - and this is fine, many, many christians have been deemed fools for Christ throughout history. If this be the case, I too am a fool for Christ Jesus. <br />
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These last few months, and weeks have been some of the hardest that I've endured in my christian walk. Events transpired in my life and I lost my resolve, and made choices throughout this period of time that grew worse as time went on. I fell prey to exceptionally old coping habits, looking for futile ways to to elevate the pain I was in from grief and loss that seemed insurmountable. I succumbed to the short sightedness of my intellect in the attempt to numb said pain, running on empty and running as fast as I could. I have a history of running from deep emotional pain, I have never faced it, nor have I endured it willingly without an internal fight. I know that this is a direct result from the years of neglect and feelings of being unwanted by my mother. What I went through then, was unbearable, so my default recourse was to think my way, somehow around it, and shove that pain as far down inside myself as I knew how. My life as a child then was one of make-believe, and lost memory. <br />
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I have grown by leaps and bounds since that time, healing many, many of those old wounds. Yet, who we are is the sum total of our experiences. It isn't as if we can just wipe that slate clean. Oh how I wish this were true. Oddly enough it was just a couple of weeks ago that a memory surfaced, that I had buried so deeply, that I'd thought myself not even present when it took place. I know now that I was there, I had just suppressed it. Traumatic memories are like that, our minds know how best for us to be able to survive.<br />
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My very best friend at that time, we were all of about 7 years old -- walking home from school. We all lived beyond the railroad tracks. Well some of the boys had been goofing around and trying to grab hold of the trains as they passed by. Myself and my girlfriends had been telling the boys how dangerous it was, and asked them to please stop. They thought since the trains went so slow through the crossing that we walked over, nothing could happen. <br />
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My friend and I were so close. We played either at his house, or mine after school and on weekends - we were basically inseparable. I have a scar on my right arm still to this day where we were jumping up and down on the bed and I hit a nail sticking out of the wall. I loved him, like a brother. He was so sweet and kind. We laughed and laughed together. <br />
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On this particular day with all my friends from grade school, the boys were jumping onto the ladders on the train as it went through the crossing. Richard, Kevin, and little Jimmy. God only knows why things happen the way that they do -- and I certainly am not one that ever blames God for the things that happen in life, but that day Jimmy jumped to grab the ladder -- he caught holt, but lost his grip. When he fell, he went under the train, and it cut him in half. All of us were immediately in shock, because Jimmy was still alive for several moments looking to us for help, we were so traumatized unable to even move. <br />
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I do not know what took place from that point on. I kind of remember his funeral. It is very unclear still. I am however finding myself increasingly emotional about this. I hope that doesn't sound trite. It is in no way my intention. It is just that with repressed emotions, as well as memories of this kind, the mind only releases what can be handled. <br />
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I cannot process this still. The walk home - how my parents handled it - how it really affected me - all blank. My friend Richard committed suicide some years later, after an awful battle with drugs and alcohol. We were a pretty tight nit group, but we all went our separate ways after that. My one female friend, we are still close to this day. None of us were ever the same. <br />
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I shared last time about crossing paths with a predator. A predator, narcissist, and I am pretty certain a psychopath. He was so charismatic. They usually are. I allowed myself to be in proximity to this person. Part of me sensed the danger, but being the eternal optimist -- I did not want to believe what my intuition was telling me. Well let me tell you --- I suffered greatly behind my foolish indifference, and by my not listening to the heeding of the Holy Spirit. When this happens, there is always consequences. I'm still enduring them. <br />
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I have learned a great deal. More than I ever thought I would have begun to understand about myself, and my self-will. See, I have had to be strong in my life, exceptionally strong to survive. But, what I am finally getting through my tougher than nails head is that I am not (and don't have to be) in survival mode any longer. Father God is my Principal, my Director, my Shepherd, and my Redeemer. As much as it "feels" like it, I am not out here on a limb -- anymore alone. I get confused sometimes because I can't always see a light at the end of the painful tunnel. I don't forget about God-- but because of my past, I struggle with trust. I think many of us do. It's okay. Do we actually think that He doesn't know???<br />
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I have had a lot of trauma in my lifetime. Yes, it affects me at times. There are times when I'd give anything to be someone else just for a little while. However, believe you me, those days are much more few and far between than they used to be. Praise God. I have been through a lot in life - less than some, and more than others. But Jesus heals. If I can get out of His way long enough. <br />
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Father God, it is beyond my ability to find the words to praise you for your grace and your mercy in my life. I fail you so miserably sometimes, I insist on doing things my own way, and rejecting your counsel. I reach for things of this world to satisfy a never-ending void, that can never be fulfilled Lord by anything or anyone but You and Your love for me. I praise You and I eternally thank You - for never ceasing to love me, no matter how far down I go, how difficult it must be to watch me self-destruct before You. Thank You my precious Savior, for always being waiting for me to return to you no matter what shape I'm in, with arms open wide. In Jesus Holy Name, Amen<br />
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God Bless you!!! <br />
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gbullard.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14067435699268605970noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484847551397244580.post-19877193947625203282018-03-18T10:57:00.000-05:002018-03-18T10:57:57.798-05:00In the eye of the Storm<div style="text-align: center;">
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I've been through some things that I never would've believed would have happened. I'm naive that way when it comes to not expecting evil from humans --oh not anymore grant you - because when you live through what I am living through -- you learn. You actually learn a great deal more than on the surface you ever dreamed you would-- about so many things, on so many levels. It's another awakening of the state of the world that we live in - and the condition of the human spirit -- or lack thereof. I'm appalled at what I have discovered. <br />
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My Father raised me to believe in people and to be kind. Dad was one of the easy going people I guess I've ever met, I don't recall his ever saying a bad thing about anyone. Now he could stand his own if something were to happen to me or the boys - like a man should, he just didn't believe in talking about people behind their backs. To him it just wasn't something that you did. Daddy was one of the most honorable men that I have ever known to date. I learned so much vast knowledge from my pop -- he didn't complain no matter what had to be done, what broke-down, all the crap that mom put him through. He truly was the epitome of patience, tolerance, and tenacity. I will never forget his telling, "honey, life isn't fair", to which I'd just giggle, at the mere age of 4 or 5 and espouse -- awe Daddy! I did hear him though - I heard and depended upon every word that man uttered to me. <br />
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Most that read my writing know that I'm basically out here (<i>as most of us are</i>) doing this life thing by the seat of my pants. No real family and pretty much zilch for support with exception for the ones that are paid to do so. I find this appalling. It doesn't exactly make for the grandest of feelings of self-worth. The copious amounts of time that I spend alone just further validate what seems to be true in the first place. I know that this has to be extremely hard for those who have no outlets like I do-- or have coping skills to get the duct tape out and hold the head on -- when it just feels like all of the thoughts (and feelings) dare blow your mind/head right off your chest. Loneliness is no joke. <br />
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Well mine has placed me in some pretty messed up situations - dangerous ones at that. Mostly because when you have no human contact - ANY seems do-able. Even when the stakes are enormously HIGH, and every fiber of your being is screaming "THIS ISN'T GOING TO END WELL!" Why would someone do such a thing? I'll tell you why - because after being alone for days, months, years - when you do finally get an invitation.... you jump at it with glee. Coming from my background of not mattering, or being good enough -- someone wanting me to go with them? Well dang - it feels pretty good, and you override all the flaming red flags - to be able to feel wanted. All caution is thrown into the wind because I truly think us incapable on some level--- to even be able to say "NO." This is the part that people who judge us will never understand -- with families, husbands, boyfriends - friends --- full lives -- they had choices. I suppose if I were going to put it in metaphorical terms it's like that last piece of your favorite candy -- like you're not going to do everything in your power to get to it, and consume it regardless of what other people think.<br />
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Old coping mechanisms die hard, and some never die - they just lay in wait --- gaining strength as you struggle... waiting silently until it knows the perfect time to begin it's speaking death to you. It's an odd malady -- the disease of addiction/alcoholism has so much influence on the mind of the addict. It can be so powerful, you begin the believe they're your own thoughts. It takes great examination to be able to decipher between it and your real thought. <b>Most people aren't aware really that the disease wants nothing more that you dead. </b> This is the reason that it propels you so -- to use, and use, and use -- over and over --- because for goodness sake no matter how hard an fast you chase it -- there is just simply never a cutting off place, and NEVER ENOUGH. In reality -- enough equals death. <br />
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I'm so enormously grateful and thankful to God for the knowledge that I have about this disease. It doesn't make me any better, less apt to relapse -- because knowledge alone in no defense against this demon. You can know all day you have a problem and still keep pushing that truth way down with drugs. Alcohol is especially bad - the denial mechanism is the worst. <br />
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I'm in a rough spot right now - I crossed paths with a predator. He basically destroyed my life in a manner of two days. Money gone - car stolen, no phone, he rendered me basically powerless - and I've been like this for going on three weeks. It took 4-5 calls to the police to get them to actually believe me. He's in custody now and things are progressing - but man talk about people shuning you when something happens? No one person will do anything for me -- like this was all my fault. I can't say I can comprehend that kind of dysfunctional cognition. Even what family I do have decided to talk to the police instead of me. How very sad. <br />
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I have to find the silver lining in this guys. I must look for the rainbows. If I don't find a way -- I think I'll loose what mind I have left. I made some bad choices, but it doesn't make me a defective person. I refuse to allow anyone to put that on me. They can all walk away. I'm a warrior - and I will survive, stronger than ever before. My trust issues are not so good and I've been pretty angry - but in the last six months, all that has happened --- I'm quite sure it's in the realm of normalcy. I have been trying to pray -- it's hard too because I'm so shut down. God knows. He's right here with me.<br />
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I will keep you posted as I can -- I have to figure out how to pay my bills according to how long it takes to get my account together. Maybe no one really cares - and I'm writing for no reason but my own, but it's not my intent. Just please be careful in this world --- it's full of vile, vile, predators - and if you are a kind person like me-- it's always open season--- and your Bambi. <br />
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All will be well, because I believe that what man uses for evil, God will use for good. My faith grows stronger each and every day. I do not harbor ill feelings for this man --- I've seen inside his heart - or what heart there is left. I pray for him, and the enormity of the pain he is going to have to overcome-- that is if he so chooses. I realize the things that he did, weren't personal. I'm a big enough woman to not own that. I think the most difficult piece is when humans hurt other humans because they can. Being who I am, this I'll never comprehend. I just don't want to - I don't have it in me. I am real grateful for that and these facts I know to be truths about who Gina is. The peace that I feel does not belong to anyone, circumstance, or thing outside myself in this world. That right there? Is priceless. I'm strong, I'm loved, I"m favored, and I will rise again. Praise my Father in heaven, Jesus Christ. He loves me even when I (and I do it daily) miss the mark. <br />
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God Bless you and keep you all --- until next time. <br />
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This video --- should he find it, is for Anthony. <br />
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<br />gbullard.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14067435699268605970noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484847551397244580.post-83627439906610537712018-02-26T22:51:00.000-06:002018-02-28T13:17:47.178-06:00Accepted as You Are<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I've not laid finger to this keyboard in some time. In all reality -- I don't think that I have been truly honest with myself about everything that I have gone through. Sometimes - it just seems impossible. I don't understand why people keep coming into my life to further abuse, steal, lie, and shatter my beliefs of the human spirit. I really do not understand what it is that I am supposed to be learning here. It is to me just more and more destruction, and I go further and further into depression - isolation and separation from God. I have steadily been asking for what I need, but alas, it seems like as with the majority of my life -- I have no voice. Not a voice that is being heard. <br />
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I am going to be very transparent with you all today - at risk of being judged. I admit that this avenue, this method of communication helps me, and I truly hope that my journey somehow -- helps someone else, somehow. I know that if I can struggle with these things, someone somewhere else, must be struggling with these issues as well. <br />
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Trust is one of my greatest issues. After what took place with my therapist - as much as I hate to admit - an as crazy as it is to put in black and white-- I don't even now trust God. Nor do I trust any human being. I feel like this pawn that gets played, over and over - in the game of life. I have basically withdrawn from life itself. I spend copious amounts of time alone - and although it disturbs me to a degree - for the most part -- I'm okay with it. I don't even know that I have been allowing myself to feel things authentically as of late. I did have a flash-back (and it was awful) a few weeks ago - and I have been trying to crawl out of this. It was the first time that I have had one - that I was aware of at the time it was taking place. It was surreal. I am now 100% certain that I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I never really accepted the fact fully - I kind of gleaned over the idea -- but I now know for certain. The classic "fallout" behaviors have given way as well. I have been relapsing on and off for weeks. I am ashamed to admit that - but at least I am admitting it. In all actuality with what I have been through -- it is no wonder. I am barely holding myself together it seems - this is certainly how it feels. For the most part --I have just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. <br />
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I apologize that I am not being my usual hope-filled self - please know that it isn't my aim in any way to discourage anyone. The reason that I share is so that if anyone is experiencing what I am - they will know that they are not alone in this world with their suffering. Anyone at anytime is welcome to connect with me through this blog. It's always been possible. Also, if anyone knows my writing - you will know that there is no way I'm going to end on a negative without any hope of a way or ways to surmount said issues. I will always uncover hope, recovery, and miracles from somewhere. <br />
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When trust is severed with someone that you have given so much admiration to -- and placed so much faith in -- there is a great crack in your foundation. This is what I feel. Broken. Again. Another human was grossly disloyal - and basically betrayed me. I understand that I am not supposed and the key word here is "supposed" to place that much faith in humans - I certainly know this unequivocally now. I understand that I have attachment issues -- all of these things play a part in unison. However, on a much grander scale -- I am learning that being in this world - and of this world is not what God designed for us. I am also learning that this isn't the easiest thing to comprehend, and understand. I have sought wholeness, healing, and sought this through psychology since I went to treatment in 1986. I was given a new way to live - and it has saved my life. Of course I would cling to it - like nothing else. When given the choice between death or life, I think the majority of us would do whatever we had to do to live.<br />
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The Father's ways, timing, and thoughts, are not the same as ours. But I do know that we're given signs and lessons -- messages along the way. I have been so hurt, and very disillusioned. I don't always see that I reach for humans often before I reach out to Jesus. This for me is a thorn in my side. I know from where it originated, however, these thorns that we bear - are often deeply rooted and difficult to remove. Because I did not grow up with a solid foundation - until I finish the work set before me (or at least I think) my search and seek for attachment to another human will be an automated response for me. I have learned a great deal - I now know and can sit back - access my behavior with full knowledge of why I did what I did, yet unable to choose differently yet. With everything in my heart - I know the day is coming.<br />
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I have been looking to the wrong source for wholeness. I have been looking and believing that the standards of this world were the accurate measure of the perception of balance, as well as mental health. My beloved Pastor of past - Paul White has often shared with me that I needed to rest in the goodness of God - and let Him do the work - and I knew that this meant that I needed to stop trying to fix myself. I think I finally get this. I have been so hardwired with the psychological aspect of it all - it's going to take me a little bit of time to engulf this. In all reality -- it is about letting go of control. Something that most of us struggle with -- for the sheer fact that we want to be in the drivers seat of our lives. I know I do -- but then with everything that has happened in the last 6 months -- Father God is surely showing me what I get when I am.<br />
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I surely hope that this resonates with someone. I am such a do it all -- or give up, person. I don't have much middle ground. I struggle to find that happy medium. I think we all do. <br />
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I know I have gifts that the Father has given me. I know in my heart that He has something for me to do that only I can do. I want that more than I want life itself. To be about my Father's business. I desire to bear fruit more than anything else in my life. Truly I do. But I know that if I cannot manage my own life, Jesus is not going to use me in anyone else's. It matters little to me if I play a small role, or if it is something that gets noticed, I just want to do what my Father designed me to do.<br />
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I love God. With all my heart. Please know this. I'm the one who fails. I'm imperfect. These things, these matters -- of the mind, and of the heart -- He is perfectly aware of. The Father knows of struggle -- His own people did not accept Him. He was rejected, beaten, humiliated, and the ultimate - He died so that we may live. I know that the struggles that I go through are for my ultimate good. I know this because what man uses for evil - God uses for good. <br />
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I will get back up on my spiritual feet. I ask for your prayers right now. If you would grant me this. Just know there isn't ever a time that we cannot come to the Father ---and begin anew. Regain our walk with the Lord. Know it wasn't Him who left us - but us who left Him, He is just waitng for us to return. To the path. It matters not what you've done. I promise He's already heard it, and He knew you were going to do it before you did.<br />
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Thank you Father Jesus, for loving me while in my humanness I struggle to trust you. I know more than anything in my life, You understand.<br />
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gbullard.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14067435699268605970noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484847551397244580.post-72512090927217313032018-01-24T21:30:00.003-06:002018-01-24T21:30:45.777-06:00 We Heal<br />
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I feel inspired - and I haven't written in quite some time so I want to share with those of you that stop by - an anyone new that may happen to stumble onto my words. I have actually been through so much it is difficult to even know where to start and what to share. With the mind that I have, the one that hardly ever rests or takes a break - the thoughts usually tumble out pretty much on their own so we'll just see where the path takes us. I truly hope that this finds everyone well, of sound mind, content of heart, and living a life of your choosing. <br />
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I have been on one hell of a journey as of late with a multitude of things to surmount. I have been attempting as best I know how to heal from an experience that I never in a million years would have ever imagined would have happened in my life. It's some of the deepest emotional pain that I think I have ever encountered, and I am still on a healings way. Thank God, however, I can now finally begin to see the top of the water - and I am coming towards the surface. I'm almost to the end of this horrific batch of experiences that for reason unbeknownst fully to me I have gone through. <br />
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I like to think of myself as a tad bit of a wordsmith -- yet an I find difficulty summoning the vocabulary to express what I have endured. I want to share because I always have the hope that just maybe my experience frees someone a little, helps them understand, or lightens their load -- or simply allows one to feel less alone or separate in this big world. It's the whole aim in why I share my life. This isn't about me folks - I am certainly no one special. It's my hope I extend. I know that the hope I hold is extraordinary, because of God. I wish to give of this. <br />
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We all go through passages, rough spots, seasons and trials -- etc. that we don't understand, and cannot make sense of. What I have just been through was something I could have never imagined in my wildest dreams. It actually should have never happened - from an ethical standpoint. One never imagines being hurt by those that are designed to heal. Let me tell you when it happens - it's shocking, and if you had the circumstances I did - the pain will rip you to your core. As I sit here now in hindsight - I'm not really sure how I got through it without becoming suicidal. Oh, don't get me wrong I did not particularly care if I lived or died -- but I didn't reach the planning of my demise stage. This is different for me. I'm grateful - ever grateful. I did, however, loose copious amounts of all forms of trust. The process in which had, on one hand, helped me heal - in turn, walked away without word one --- and in so doing, ripped my heart out. </div>
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I felt the emotional and mental anguish of every last morsel of it too. No closure of any kind. As my guts (sorry) lay outside my body - my heart removed, and I wasn't given any kind of explanation - even when I begged for answers. Given no replacement - well with exception of someone I had already had contact with - but it was not what I needed. I wasn't asked what I needed. </div>
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Anyways, I don't want to get stuck on that -- just to fill in the gaps. I also Oh my goodness --- and this was excruciating... had an insurance issue around the first of the new year and could not get some medication that I have to have. I have shared that I have and live with chronic pain. Well, I was forced to go through full-fledged withdrawal from my pain meds. I thought before it was over- it was a horrifying 5 days of sheer hell on earth - I was going to lose my mind. Having to deal with the symptoms of the withdrawal itself from the meds was bad enough - but I had not experienced the full-blown pain that I have in over six years I think, and the neuropathy in my legs has gotten so out of control. It was a living nightmare. I don't know that I have ever been so grateful for my medication. I was able to get to the clinic earlier than I was scheduled - thank God - because I had already been to the ER three times and they literally did NOTHING. No compassion, what so ever. This country, people have abused medication so badly --- and this angers me so ---- that someone with my medical issues cannot even get treatment. It appalling!!! So I'm sorry to say but I ended up going the natural route --- I don't even care - I had to do something or I was going to go insane. I laid and writhed in agony for 5 days with pain levels of 12+ and it would have been utterly unbearable for the average person my pain tolerance is extraordinary. I couldn't handle it. NOR should I have had to. </div>
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SO, my friends, I have had a quite lovely time lately. Alas, I've grown. Yet - still - I AM stronger. </div>
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So these things, this rift in my existence has been well, it is so hard to even utter. I pushed God away --- you know like we do when we really need Him. OH, I would talk to Him here and there- and He is always in my heart. Always. He is and will always reside in my being. I just stopped doing the things which draw me near Him, strengthen my faith, and help hold me up. And this is so mystifying to me. I abandon Him when I need Him the most. I guess it was the breach of the trust I went through -- I am not completely certain. I thought I had gotten a bit better at this, however, eventually not. But you know -- I don't know how anyone could have dealt with abandonment so brutal like I went through and did anything different. I'm being completely forthright when I say that event almost broke my spirit. If I had given in --- I would not be here right now. Oh, I have messed up - and I'm still not on the right path -- but I'll tell you one thing, I am doing the best that I can do with what I have been through. And I am not ashamed. I refuse to feel bad for the coping measures that I have used. I should have NEVER been put through the ravages of emotional turmoil that I endured. </div>
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Anyways, I am getting better each and every day and I will rise up and I will utilize each and every last ounce of pain, trauma, grief, betrayal for my strength to become the woman that God designed me to be. Goodness forgive the grammatical mistakes there folks. LOL It sounded good in my head!!! </div>
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I am crying less and less. I am processing information better. I am feeling less burdened and happier again. The emotional load has lightened. I am talking to God/Jesus again. I am finally beginning to let go of the thing that haunts me the most--- and that's the need for information. See, I have such an analytical "need to understand" mind. It's not so much a matter of why - I know this doesn't solve or really change anything. I also get that understanding does not bring peace. I still get stuck in wanting information. This time no one is saying anything. This is also where my faith has got to come in. God's ways are not my ways. His understanding is beyond my comprehension. The only choice I have really been given is to accept. But let me tell you now --- this one was and is -- really hard to swallow. I am a creature who screams for a deep need for justice in my life, and the people I love. My father began telling me at a very young age, "life isn't fair." He tried his absolute best... but I'd say, "Awe dad!" I had a hard time with it. Treatment helped and A.A. brought it home. I get it now. </div>
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I apologize this has gotten so long. I have got a nice ending though!! I appreciate those of you that read all the way to the end more than you know. This blog, and my contributions to Quora - are what I can do with what I have to offer right now. At least in all humility - I offer what I do have and that is my experience. </div>
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We can and we do heal. It does not happen by accident, however. It takes work. It takes focused, persistent, determined, raw, courage. Sometimes it will seem like it is bigger than you - depending on what you have encountered, or lived through. Do not let fear lie to you. Fear is a liar. We cannot and must not believe all of our own thoughts. We mustn't. Depending upon your path -- chances are you're going to need a higher power, something outside yourself of a spiritual nature that is much, much, more powerful than you are. Also, you will want to have a good relationship with that power. I really don't know of anyone that has ever been able to achieve true lasting change without it. I've worked with many, many people when I was counseling. It is just imperative that we believe in something (and not another human) outside of ourselves. You all know that for me it is Jesus. I am not religious, at all - I have a relationship with Him. I make mistakes every day -- but He knew it before I did it. His compassion is beyond our comprehension. </div>
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I feel hopeful right now and I am so grateful I have this outlet. I pray something I share motivates or strengthens at least one person. That is my prayer. </div>
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Please if you will - listen to this song. God gave it to me today. It's amazing. I was so ecstatic to share it with you guys. I found so much hope in it. I hope you do as well. Thank you again, for reading my words. Be blessed beyond measure until we meet again. Please remember - when you're at your most devastated, you are so close to healing. Never give up. Never! There are always options if we seek them out. Humans are survivalists. Your darkest day is right before the dawn. </div>
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God Bless! </div>
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I love it SO MUCH!!!</div>
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<br />gbullard.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14067435699268605970noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484847551397244580.post-58083399609525277742017-12-30T04:54:00.001-06:002017-12-30T09:02:14.562-06:00 Extraction of Thought<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: "open sans" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> Life is either a</span><span style="box-sizing: border-box; color: #666666; font-family: "open sans" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px; font-weight: 700;"> daring adventure</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: "open sans" , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"> or nothing – Helen Keller.</span><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-oQAXXN3WcxAvZfowclUaDAi6r0cvf0uyxQWNMF2m94ga31e1Eo5qnGHNrWOtX5DJs4AFIiU6gaOD7OknXUC3sIDEEEgU0Rec7ved7vv6ly93ITrSB48yKY5gytb0Vp5iwiQ-xbgvmg/s1600/change1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="403" data-original-width="403" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-oQAXXN3WcxAvZfowclUaDAi6r0cvf0uyxQWNMF2m94ga31e1Eo5qnGHNrWOtX5DJs4AFIiU6gaOD7OknXUC3sIDEEEgU0Rec7ved7vv6ly93ITrSB48yKY5gytb0Vp5iwiQ-xbgvmg/s320/change1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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I feel exhilarated at this moment. I have been through a difficult patch and it isn't over quite yet. This last few months have been the most heart wrenching that I have experienced since my father passed in 2010. I do not admit that light of heart. My experiences with human beings is and will more than likely continue to be a learning process. Allowing people into your life- and the acceptance of this risk is and will always be something that I will weight consequences of differently now- and for the rest of my life. From this moment on. I am not the kind of person that experience intense closeness and radical loss well at all. It is extremely difficult for my psyche. I have no idea what kind of person this makes me, and I really don't care - I write in hopes of someone possibly learning something from my journey, not to be judged by it. I am the type of person that does apply themselves with their best intentions. I miss the mark, plenty of times, however, I do try to be a better version of myself than I was the day before. I often am misaligned and go astray but I do my utmost and I have good intentions. I'm probably rambling. Forgive me. I've much on my mind.<br />
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If you've ever noticed - the expression of a seed is absolutely beyond our comprehension ---it is an amazing thing. It literally explodes in coming to life. I love the above saying, I have ever since I set eyes on it. It's very true. Change often brings chaos. We can easily (or I can) lose my way in the attempt to find a new or better way of thinking - perceiving - or just being. I know for myself, anytime I step out into unfamiliar territory, unchartered waters - I encounter resistance often - and fear. Vulnerability will raise its ugly head. It is strange sometimes for me, I can want the change or the acceptance quite much but I will still have resistant thoughts of why I can't do it or why I shouldn't. Change can often be so daunting- even good change. All of it produces stress. We are such creatures of habit. Any deviation from our norm and our minds as well as our emotions - revolt. Mine do. I've also seen many clients when I was working in addiction have the same types of responses. Resistance always surprised me, especially when it was welcomed change. It is as if we don't trust our own choices and there is a lash back from our inner knowing. Like "who's driving here??" "Do you really know what you're doing?" We distrust our own choices and have second doubts. We actually fight our own intuition. This is our ultimate inner guide. But what do we do? Distrust it. What is so sad for those of us that are Christian --- it is our intuition -- but for me, it is also the Holy Spirit guiding me. Could there be anything <b><u>MORE ACCURATE??? </u></b> For crying out loud.<br />
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My beloved Pastor of five years --(some time ago now) used to talk about this being our "red light, green light, system of knowing." It was so tenderly stated as God's traffic system for us to know when to go and when not to make decisions in life via our intuition - and the Holy Spirit inside of those of us who accept Christ as our Savior. The really insane thing is -- I can sometimes push past, an resist even this. That is crazy. But I have done it -- I hope I am not alone here. The is totally where free will rubber hits the road. We all have the ultimate choice over what we decide to do and why. Or what we decide not to do or with whom. I have helped people that I knew at the time either they were partially lying, or at least of all not being fully forthright with me. It's my choice. I've also watched closely as I felt another person's feelings and have fully known how they felt -- and have them flat out deny it. It's a trip. Sometimes people cannot accept how they feel. They won't because it either isn't familiar or isn't appropriate - or whatever. However, I can almost always detect other's emotions. It's a gift that God gave me. I've been verbally attacked over the information before, and various other things. I have wished a few times that I did not possess such a gift. Sometimes it's a knowing that hurts your heart. Especially when you know in your heart of hearts someone truly cares for you and they end up walking away. That hurts more than one can imagine unless you've experienced it for yourself. Even understanding doesn't bring peace, I've shared this with you all -- and it especially does not bring peace to the heart. I have peace in my heart because of Jesus - don't get me wrong - but when you love someone so much that you don't even understand it yourself it is haunting. It's a lot like a piercing in your heart that just won't heal. Somehow it cannot. You aren't sure how it got there, to begin with, any clue how to remove it, or where to go for help. Also what I understand about the heart is that it wants what it wants and it cares little about rules, regulations, fines, fees, or anything of this matter. The heart really doesn't care who gets hurt in order for it to get what it needs. It says in the Bible the heart is a deceiver. I believe this. It's really kind of scary. But what I do know most -- is when I love someone wholeheartedly it's pretty much a lifetime deal. I don't do that lightly and it seems to happen of its own accord. However, I can affect its healing process.<br />
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I have been all over the place tonight guys, forgive me. I have been off kilter for awhile - but there is hope!!! I am coming back to center. I feel it. Things are going more in the right direction. I have quite a few financial problems right now - but it either will or won't work out. But I just got to do an amazing thing for someone and I feel good about what I was able to do. It was from my heart. I don't even care if it was appreciated if there was gratitude -- all that is completely out of my hands!!! The outcome means little. I mean - what feelings were involved about what I did. I did what I did out of the goodness of my heart - and I gave out of my lack. That is what my Jesus would do. I love every last thing about that. With all my heart. If it never comes back --- so be it. I could care less. I have made enough mistakes in my lifetime and I have recently hurt people that I love out of my inability to focus and THINK about what I was doing BEFORE I did what I did. It wasn't even like me. So I'm dealing with that behavior. I don't like hurting people, I can't hardly deal with hurting people I love. This is incomprehensible to me. Losing all self-awareness is frightening. Getting caught up in your emotions to the point where you do not think about the consequences of your actions??? There are no words. Ineffable. Unexcusable.<br />
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I've never needed anyone to give me constructive feedback. I have a committee of experts that live in my head that live for just that prime opportunity --- day in, day out. Do You? I always have. It started with good old mom. But you know what? I fired the whole lot of them! Gave them the rest of their lives off. I don't need them anymore. Actually never did. Please do not think that what I am saying is that I am never wrong - or will never listen to feedback -- far from that. No, indeed. My main concern in life is not who is right - but what is right. Therein lies the humble in humility. That I like. There is no big me, little anybody.<br />
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Forgive my feeblemindedness this time. I did have a method to my madness. I wanted to share about change. I did. I can tell we're close to a full moon. It always kind of upsets my spirit. I read something to the effect of it's going to be another super moon and also some kind of Wolf moon? Who knows. I do know that we're steady approaching a brand new year. I don't know how I feel about this just yet. I'm not sure (like it matters) I am ready yet. I guess it doesn't much matter it is going to come in regardless. I am always hopeful.<br />
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I cannot recall if I shared with you all about Quora? I have quite a reputation there now. I have answered many, many questions. I love it. I have something along the lines of 11.7 k views on my answers? They like my answers, they request my answers. It's really cool. Go and check out my profile if you'd like. Ask a question - if you want. You can request for me to answer or leave it open for anyone. I mostly do Psychology, grief, counseling, life experience, addiction, stuff like that. OH!! I'm very excited too ---- I submitted my blog to a bigger writers blog - who is looking for budding writers. I submitted the blog I have that has been read the most - like almost 1,000 times. Who'd a thunk it? Little ole me. Life is amazing - most of the time!!! Live it, give it your best shot.<br />
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This is my musical tribute to the upcoming year 2018. This is my girl and this is my song. It's not just for me, let it empower us all. <br />
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<b>I AM SUPERWOMAN, YES I AM, YES SHE IS...</b><br />
<b>EVEN WHEN I'M MESS, I STILL PUT ON MY VEST, WITH AN "S" ON MY CHEST </b><br />
<b>OH YES, </b><br />
<b>BECAUSE...</b><br />
<b>I'M A SUPERWOMAN -- YES I AM!!!! YEAH!</b></div>
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Happy New Years!! </div>
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Talk to you soon,</div>
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<br />gbullard.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14067435699268605970noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484847551397244580.post-6828798947570120562017-12-23T12:42:00.000-06:002017-12-23T12:42:01.786-06:00 From Inside The Pain <div style="text-align: center;">
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Like sweet nectar from heaven - this woman conveys heart piercing emotion with the soulfulness of her luscious voice. Adele has probably made as much of an impact upon my life with a song - or at the very least she is really high on the scale of vocalists who have the utmost ability to transform me ultimately to musical nirvana. The power that she embodies - ineffable. It amazes and I am in such awe of the power music has to quicken - as well as overtake, our mind, heart, our souls. <br />
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This song speaks for me today. It speaks to me. It is an anthem at a time, in a season if you will, of my life when so much emotion exists that I am completely unable to discern one from the other. I will confess readily that the greatest of them all is the intense emotional pain. Grief, anguish, anxiety-- and that just is to name a few. When I am able to think - which seems to be a rarity as of late --- I have such an overwhelming desire to go home. The difficulty wherein this lies -- because I do not actually have a place to call home. Oh, there's this building that houses my things - but it isn't what I remember home feeling like, at all. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the apartment, it's quite nice - but it is a far cry from being a home. It is a dwelling that contains my belongings, and I do find rest as well as a safety here. However, it is lacking the warmth, comfort, contentment, and most of all companionship as well as gatherings of deeply loved humans. I think this is what home is mostly like. Mine is not. However, I thank Jesus I have a roof (a good solid, warm, safe) over my head, the rent is paid --- an everything in it is mine. Praise God! It just not like I remember nor in my heart of heart's desire. </div>
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Nothing in my life at this very moment is like I desire. Absolutely nothing. I know that pain has no memory and I praise God for this. Emotional pain is kind of different. We do, I believe recall the trials in life that we go through - but I still believe that if we truly work thoroughly through the grief --- the memory is and should not be so painful. I will be enormously beyond grateful when this war that is raging inside of me is past. Never have I had a season quite like this. It seems like no matter what I do, no matter where I turn, who I encounter - the end result is pain. I'm hurting people that I love. I'm hurting people that I try to help. Everything I seem to encounter ends up in anguish. I -----yes me, I cannot even talk to God right now. I can't read my bible - I cannot read my Jesus Calling book- it's like I'm either so full of sorrow or I am just dead inside. Like there is so much emotion and I cannot handle it --- or "hello, anybody home?" I do not know this type of season in life, I have never been here before. At least I don't recall it. If I have been here ---- I kind of would like to remember because I could use the coping skills. Big time. Please know I am not writing looking for pity nor anyone to feel sorry for me --- I do not feel sorry for myself. I've told all of you before - self-pity to me is an ugly, nasty, entity. I just won't allow it. Nope. Not going there. We play with the hand of cards we have been dealt. We do the best we can with what we have----period. Yeah, this sucks. There has been many ---- and I mean MANY days I have cried ALL day. So? <br />
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I don't really find myself to be someone that wallows in crap for long. The reason I do allow myself to feel even though all of you know I'd rather cut my nose off to spite my face than go through this-- That junk just isn't my thing. But you know what? We are sometimes, unfortunately--- humans. As uncomfortable as this can be to wear this skin suit... it's just how it is. Do I sometimes rebel? I think everyone knows the answer to that. I think we all do. I mean who in their right mind would want to feel horribly intense emotional pain or grief? You'd have to be neurotic. </div>
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I am not certain how, or why, nor when this --- well I wrote that then it dawned on me. I was going to say I didn't know how I am able to pick myself back up--- but I do. It's God. I'm just in so much awful pain right now and if I know anything ------that kind of pain will make us feel separate ourselves from God. I'm not certain why this happens, however, I know that it does. I have been through it before. That pain somehow blocks our ability to sense God. It's the easiest time in our lives to blame God (we all need a scapegoat) and He is really handy. Most folks (I say most.. I don't typically know) don't understand the Word of God --- and won't read it. It's our handbook for life. It's the only book I know of in which speaks directly to the heart --- and is fully alive. (Thank You, Jesus!!!)</div>
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I do not and I mean I DO NOT lose people well. I have reasons for this. Lots of reasons. If I love them deeply, and what I mean by deeply - it doesn't even have to be a romantic kind of situation. Loosing a treasured longtime friend will devastate me. I am just the type of person that doesn't trust for a long time but when the bond has taken place and for reason, x,y, z...a person walks away, it devastates me. Perhaps this makes me an oddball - its okay with me. Hey, I know myself. I'm pretty proud of the work it has taken to get where I am. I have worked my ass off to get here. It matters little to me who approves, or who does not. It wasn't their journey. As far as I am concerned, if you haven't walked down my path --- you have no business or right to judge my journey. I would not judge yours. </div>
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An awful lot tumbled out today. I so appreciate those of you that finished this blog. You don't know what it means to me. I thoroughly enjoy sharing my life with those of that chose to read the blog. You have no way of know how this helps me. My grandest aspiration, my highest hope - is for someone to find something to relate to - or that inspires them through my quest. Life is difficult - I earnestly believe we were put on this earth to help each other along in our daily plight for whatever it is that the individual ultimately seeks -- be that success, love, peace, contentment... It is or can be endless the desires of the heart. For me, as an individual, there are several things that ultimately fulfill me. A vast piece of that is to dispense hope and to have that hope empower another individual to know that they too can do that thing that they dream of doing. </div>
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If I don't write again before the holiday, I want to sincerely wish everyone lot, and lots of love - hugs, kisses and special wishes-- may all your dreams come true. </div>
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Love, Light, and Grace always!!!</div>
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Gina<br />
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gbullard.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14067435699268605970noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484847551397244580.post-85480066555043751562017-12-10T01:12:00.000-06:002017-12-10T06:57:02.966-06:00Love's Brutal Passage <br />
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<b><span style="color: purple;">"BEING MUST BE FELT IT CANNOT BE THOUGHT"</span></b></h2>
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Forgive me for quoting Eckhart again -- but it just is right where I am.<br />
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I have a great many things on my mind tonight - today has been a day of grand discovery. Enlightenment comes with a price and I've endured its passage into an understanding with brings forth some freedom. Oh, what I have been through. <br />
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It isn't always my first nature to do what's in my best interest. Hell, I don't always even know what's in my best interest. More often times than not -- I make the wrong choice -- all the while believing in my heart -- (and hoping) I'm doing the right thing. My greatest aim I suppose one could say is to be as real with people as I know how. Especially people that are really important to me. Even in this attempt, I screw up. I "miss the mark". Sometimes horribly. Sometimes I suffer grave consequences. Like I just did. You know what is so amazing about this? I am always attempting to do the right thing. Most of the time. I have this self-propeller inside of me that just won't quit. Even if I mess up for a while -- it just resets. I get right back up and am drawn towards wholeness again.<br />
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Risks, mistakes, failure, all of this things are catalysts for change. If we never risk, or we never fail miserably -- we never grow. I made an awful mistake -- in an attempt trying to understand something that was happening to me, I messed up and man did I bear the consequences. It's okay, it could have been handled better - much better - however, I have arrived where I am supposed to arrive. Not that I had help from where I should have had help. There is nothing like having the foundation of your very being pulled right out from underneath you. That is exactly what happened to me these last few weeks. I was brutally separated from the axis of my mental, emotional, and psychological well-being. Much unlike a building having its foundation ripped out - yet, it's expected to still stand. Just like before. The bulldozer came through - with little or no warning and ripped out my foundation (judging me while doing so) and leaving the building of my life to attempt to stand in its shattered state. Oh, I was given a tooth-pick for structure relief. No explanations, and no contract for reconstruction.<br />
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So. I have been living in a wrecked, demolished, collapsed, unhinged, and empty place. There has been more shocks, more leveling, and it has been a very destitute place to reside. When you thought your structure was built with love, trust, and acceptance -- destroyed is a difficult transition. It is a shock that reaches the depths of your soul. The thing is that the bulldozer could have been diverted, it could have been called off. If only there had been some understanding and acceptance of how people heal. The process by which they can understand, accept and grow.<br />
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Healing is one of the most beautiful things I have ever (and will ever) witness. I and I say this with all humility - have been so divinely blessed to have witnessed the healing process - right before my very eyes. It is of the miraculous. It is indescribable. The closest that I could ever get to its majesty would be if we could actually see a flower bloom. An at that - I butcher it. It is ineffable. When I speak of such things, I am so filled with gratitude for the gifts that God has given me. Those times in my life that I will cherish until the day that I die. But there is also in me, a healing place. A place that is yet so wounded. So wounded because of the brutality of these last few weeks. I have been left brutally alone. Because of a mistake, I made trying to understand. Trying to understand something I felt that I did not fully understand in its transition.<br />
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Love is a delicate an beautiful thing. It is often confusing and easy to misunderstand. Love in my life has always had an equal and a frightening slice of hatred combined. This is what you get when you grow up with an unstable parent. Things are NOT what they seem. Not at all, and you'd better understand that first and foremost. It makes it really hard to trust what you feel. Even when you "think" you are certain. As strong as I am now -- I still get that stuff wrong. Especially when it comes to love. If anything will confuse me, it's love. I am actually kind of afraid of it. If I am honest. Taking risks in that arena - is paramount for me. I don't do it very often. It's quite rare.<br />
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What I have discovered is that for love to exist several elements have to be present. If a person is so inclined and all of these elements are in place- if love is allowed to establish itself safely, to be built, flourish, as well as grow - it abounds. I've been privy to such environments in my life. Not as long as I perhaps would have liked, but we ultimately receive what we're meant. Loving people has been a challenge in my lifetime. As I have healed so has my ability to give and receive love. It is still at times confusing for me and I get tangled up. I know that it is because I feel things so deeply. I can feel the love that others have for me, as well as the love that I have for them.<br />
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The absolute most beautiful gift that I have received up until this very moment, is the ability to love myself. It's been bought with great pain. There is still much pain. But I do understand. I understand that I had to feel it into being. Sometimes it is through loves witness that we see and learn to love ourselves.<br />
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Thank you, Father, for answered prayer. <br />
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gbullard.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14067435699268605970noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484847551397244580.post-62639559616691470762017-12-03T08:08:00.002-06:002017-12-03T08:08:33.228-06:00The Struggle of Powerlessness<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Without Love, there is no change.</div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I love Marianne Williamson. I've stated it many times before she has irrevocably, touched my life. From the times that I was in St. Paul, Minnesota when I went to "A Course In Miracles" meetings and dove into her writings - I fell in love with the way she thinks. I've read four of her books I think and passed many to friends. "The Gift of Change" is a lovely place to start if anyone is interested, I think it can be purchased fairly inexpensively on Amazon-- used - that is where I usually go for mine. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I've prayed this prayer. I've prayed many prayers in one of Marianne's "Illuminata" prayer books. Her's are out of this hemisphere. To me, her words, are like velvet, they just must be preciousness to God's heart. I know that the experience that I have had with prayer is just beyond words.</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> I will tell anyone, anywhere, about prayer in my life. God is fulfilling prayer in my life right now. I am healing. Know that. Healing does not come e x e p t and ONLY through pain. This my friends is what it is to grow. As to my comprehension and experience with life thus far - equals making it further down the path towards wholeness. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The truth of it all is that I'm really hurting. More than I ever knew that I could. I think each time we go through deep grief, I don't know but it seems to get worse. All I know is the deeper you loved, the harder you grieve. The depth of the loss is the recovery you have to attain. Sometimes I get angry because I have certainly been through enough for my lifetime and then some. I decided today - no more. This heart is closed for business. I'm not loving people anymore. It's just too difficult. This heart is officially chrome plated. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Losing people is a natural part of life. I completely understand this, and I can mentally conceptualize it. If only I was allowed to just stop right there. Life would be grand!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I've shared with you guys I don't particularly (I mean who does?) enjoy the emotional pain in life. I tried every last thing I could, to avoid it. Sometimes I still do. However, emotions are with us - and a part of us for reasons. It's mostly for me, that I grew up in such high stress and powerlessness. There was a lot of fear and uncertainty too. There's nothing like being bombarded with all of that when you are a child with no one to turn to for love, or nurturing. When what you get consistently are rejection and disdain. It is impossible to form a sense of self without comfort and security. It is maddening. I've shared with you all before about my childhood. I have learned how to manage my emotions to the best of my ability, the best way that I know how. It's been a long, hard, arduous road. I cannot even put into words my journey, it's just too much. Right now anyway. I have faith that one day, I'll find the words, and be able to. I always have hope. If it is meant to be for me to bring forth fruit by my sharing a message like that, the Holy Spirit will speak through me. I have complete confidence. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Growth takes much out of you. And you make mistakes. Old mistakes. The kind that you full well know are coping skills that don't work. I do not know what it is in me that makes me keep trying to do the same damn thing over and over when I know the result. Yet, there I go. I even know all of the underlying motivating factors that propel me towards these actions. I know the damned outcome. But what do I do? Yep. I truly think - or at least my pastor did that its kind of similar to something that (and please don't think I'm comparing myself (gosh) the Apostle Paul struggled with - he called it - a thorn in his side. He struggled with being liked, just like we all do. This particular part of his personality would lend him to make choices that didn't sit well with his heart. Sometimes our desires and needs get conflicted along with our idea's or beliefs. We're in a juxtaposition. It can be torture emotionally depending on the circumstances. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Living life in balance - and in alignment with our values, beliefs, goals, aspirations ... Can be tiring. I know exactly why Jesus said, "My peace, I give unto you". I'm pretty sure that is from John - not sure just where but I've read it many times - and I adore it every time. I don't know about anyone else, but there's just no way I could make it through this without God. I know I still don't have the relationship with Him that I want, need, or desire. It's because of me, not Him. See, I prayed for this pain. When I prayed for the healing. Because one does not come, without the other. It's just all I know. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">God placed this individual in my life to heal me. Because I ask Him to. I did not know how, when, through what means, how long, or how I'd feel... I knew none of that. However, it was a beautiful, stressful, complicated, fulfilling, -- journey. Everything is a journey --- unless you refuse to take the turn. I may be encountering grief, but know it's encased with emeralds and rubies. I will emerge from the grip of this grief a changed woman. My heart. Be still.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Thank You, Jesus, for life. Breath, and pain. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">With my deepest gratitude. Eternally.</span><br />
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gbullard.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14067435699268605970noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484847551397244580.post-78867034449110559042017-11-22T09:18:00.003-06:002017-11-22T09:18:34.722-06:00Grateful Even Though...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Wow- It's been awhile. I'm not even certain where to begin. I may or may not address the above - that is kind of a private hell. Yet - there is such transformation that is at work in my life now - it lends me to not want to even acknowledge my suffering. Hell, we all suffer - I seem to in life more than the average human - it summons me to ask myself if it is that I bring it upon myself? I mean who wouldn't ask that of themselves at some point being an active, (who am I kidding), overly - active thinker. I can surely get myself into some quandaries sometimes. Albeit, I grow and I transform. I'm growing by leaps and bounds right now --- because I"m in a great deal of emotional pain. Pain brought on unnecessarily by a lovely male of the species. Yes. One of those wonderful men that (you might know the type) when a woman communicates something deeply emotional and the man just does <b><i><u>NOTHING</u></i></b>. And I mean zip, nada, ZILCH. He must - like the guy before him, have broken all of his fingers? I don't know. It is so bizarre to me... that a human being who was designed to communicate just stops. I mean, it just makes any normal (hell abnormal) woman - insane. At any rate, it's produced a great deal of anguish, sleepless nights, and a tad bit of intense anger. I'm settled down now, but I know that I'm merely seething. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">However! I have good news. I had an interview to volunteer at a hospice organization a few weeks ago. I began the process anyway. Man, I would have never thought so much would be involved. I had to have a flu shot-TB test, a drug screening, I already have had the Hepatitis C vaccinations, plus a background check! They did a complete history on me. I'm shocked!! But I got the call yesterday - while I was getting my hair cut no less, I have passed everything! We have one more meeting for policy and procedure types of stuff --- alas, I'll be ready to go! I am so excited and I wholeheartedly welcome this experience into my life. I look so forward to the richness of this adventure. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I think I shared in the last blog that I'm going to be changing psychologists. I'm in a strange place. I don't know how I feel. Mostly numb. I feel like not even going back to see the doc. He has been so inconsistent - and missed so many appointments. I guess his life is more important than our recovery. I will never know. I'll be glad to get switched over to the new one - and finish. I haven't been doing my daily self-care however. I'm sure if I really sat still and allowed it, things would not be pretty. I've been running about quite a bit lately. Oh, I've been talking to God - but not like I normally do. It may very well be because I am not wanting to face the inevitable. It gets old folks - this process of evolution. This never-ending examination of who I am. I don't even know how many people can even relate to that. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I have been on a site called Quora. It's a question and answer site. I had met a woman there who had become a sort of pen-pal a few years back. Now I have been answering questions of all sorts --- and it seems they like my answers. My Gmail account is flooded with people that want me to answer their questions. Its kind of neat -- the ones that I've answered have gotten thousands of views and what they call "upvotes". I have enjoyed it. Quora is teaming with queries about depression and anxiety. People still struggle with the stigma in going to a professional for help. I find it sad. Maybe my voice through these questions is helping a little. That would be cool. I finally am beginning to feel less of a non-entity in the world. Losing ones career feels a bit akin to falling from grace. It is an awful transition. One I have been trying to get past for several years now. I know in my mind that I'm not a "human doing" and that a job doesn't make you who you are. However, we are conditioned from such a young age to identify with things outside of ourselves - cars, houses, jobs, people --- all of these things in our minds enhance our identities. We get in our minds that these things make us "more than" -- we are. Like who we are isn't enough. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This is the lifelong battle that we learn from the time that we learn the word, "mine!!" An I tell you, it is our undoing. Thank you for that beautiful information, Meister Eckhart! I have been reading his book "A New Earth". It's mind-blowing. So illuminating. I highly recommend it to anyone. I adore books that help you shift your perception. For me and my life - our mental perception is everything. That is where my title comes from. I am a grateful person. I know people who aren't and I struggle to be in their presence. A spirit of entitlement is difficult for me. I am fully aware that people look at me and think "what the hell has she got to be grateful for?" I'm constantly in pain, I'm an addict (in multiple ways), I'm poor, everything I have someone has given to me (pretty much) --- I've lost everything three times in my life. But you know what? No one can touch, alter, nor hinder my spirit. That's mine. It is not dependent upon anything, nor anyone else but me. I like who I am. Hell, I'm to the point I kinda love me. That didn't come easily. Nor would I trade it for the world. It can't be bought or replaced. I'm the only one. </span><br />
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<span style="color: #660000; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Happy Thanksgiving folks. Stay Grateful!!! </span><br />
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gbullard.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14067435699268605970noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484847551397244580.post-53487639074681149002017-10-31T07:19:00.001-05:002017-10-31T07:19:08.566-05:00Finding Freedom <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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"Being must be felt. It cannot be thought." Eckhart Tolle</div>
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Each and every one of us ...at some point in our lives reach a particular juncture in which the elements and or circumstances have risen to a point where we can no longer continue to cope. It seems that we've pulled every coping rabbit out of our proverbial hat --- even used some that we didn't know that we had in us-- only to find... that life has more in store for us, yet and still. Life seems to have just asked too much of us, and our brains cannot, in all good conceptual thinking skills, accept what is taking place. Yet we must keep going forward despite our feelings, the depth at which we are hurting, feel as if we've totally emotionally as well as mentally collapsed. <br />
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My beloved Psychologist is leaving the center where I see him on Fridays. I just learned of this information at the end of our last session. This news was entirely unwanted. I was not in anyway expecting it, however, it did not shock me. I am though, the type of person that has worked long and hard to not "react" to situations or circumstances - things have an impact on me much later. And boy did it ever. I felt the impact of it of course when I was alone at home by myself. Then it absolutely began to seem that so much trauma has piled up that my life was much akin a massive multiple car crash on any given highway. Anger, that nasty resentment, and pure pessimism erupted my being. This is odd for not often do I feel such things but I spewed it out to a few others in my angst - and this I hardly ever do. I knew then, I'd reached an end.<br />
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As I laid crying, I ask God for help. <br />
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This is a monumental change for me. I have rarely thought to ask God for help when I'm deeply hurt. I have never really understood why - I've written about it - pondered it and deeply questioned my faith. What I have understood is that it's fairly normal for us to retreat when in pain from God. However, under this particular weight of life, I didn't. I think I knew it was more than I could handle. And matter of fact - it surely is. <br />
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I needed a miracle. <br />
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I had been scooting around the apartment Sunday - I wasn't able to go to church - I fell and hurt my hip Friday night. I had been in so much pain, I could barely get around the house. I happened to think that Super Soul Sunday on the OWN channel was on - which I adore. I have gained so much insight from this program and the Master Class program -- it's amazing. I wanted to use one of the images, however, I wouldn't like to get sued. LOL. <br />
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At any rate, Eckhart Tolle was on. I love his work. I only caught about half of the program, however, it was enough. Oprah and he were discussing his book "A New Earth". I was so excited because I have this book. Now, I am not advocating every concept that is in this book. There are concepts that I will adhere to, and those I will not. We learn in life to take what is needed and leave the rest. It is a great lesson in life. Now some will accept and some will not. Some folks will be willing to take in new information, and others will not. This is life - and how we perceive it. <br />
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So, I started reading... I have been trying to decipher in my mind how I can explain this in a nutshell. What I discovered is that particularly pertaining to my Therapist, he is not mine. He never was. The moment we see something as ours - we identify with it. It becomes a part of our identity. It "enhances" our being, so to speak. Now, this can be a car, a house, or a job. From infancy - we are taught - "me", "mine", and so forth, about things. Just let someone take those things from us. See what happens. We learn from the beginning to identify with things as we do people. I do it more so with people because of my childhood and the neglect that I experienced with my mother. I will get more into this aspect later because we are not what we've gone through. (Praise God!!!)<br />
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This was HUGE information to me. I had identified myself with Doc. Think about how we all identify ourselves with the "things" that we have. How important "things" have become in this world. It's insane. Insatiable. There's never enough... and this goes right back to the core of my shopping issues. And so much more. So much as been illuminated. So many people could benefit from this book.<br />
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God gives us what we need. He gives us what we need, exactly when we need it. Whatever you may be needing may not come to you when you believe you need it - it will come in God's time. I don't actually know but I propose that it might be because God know's no space or time. Doctor - was never "mine". He was with me for a season - just like everything else is a season in our lives. He was on loan to me, for a while. And I so grateful. He has helped me immensely. I will grieve. It's just part of the process. People will come and go, and I have to learn that they aren't mine. As hard as this might be. Feelings are a huge part of life - it is our guiding light. How many of my clients have I told that to? Counselor, take heed. <br />
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Thank you, Jesus. <br />
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<br />gbullard.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14067435699268605970noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484847551397244580.post-31332819706396022632017-10-12T19:49:00.002-05:002017-10-12T19:49:32.487-05:00Communication, Perception, and Surrender.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I believe in miracles. The majority of those that read my writing know this - but if anyone happens to stumble across this and is new -- this is a true statement - for me. I've witnessed several in my lifetime. I just recently went through a seriously mentally and emotionally taxing ordeal with little sleep, as well as a gross miscommunication with someone who is dear to me. I did not think that the period of insomnia would ever end, I was unable to sleep more than two hours per night for a horrifying two weeks. I felt myself slipping into an odd mental and emotional state, one that I certainly did not like. I had had a severely confusing interaction with my psychologist - partially brought on by communications from an outside source. It was horrible going through this with no real rest, increased pain levels due to lack of sleep, and inability to clarify information with Doc until my appointment time. I went an entire seven days - in the confused, unclear, and misunderstood communication headspace. I'll say, it took its toll on me. I felt the ramifications physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I have an enormous amount of respect and admiration for my Doctor - he has helped me find answers to questions that I have had my entire life. Therefore, being in this crux with him was considerably unsettling. My blood pressure was high, I experienced headaches and <span style="color: red;">high</span> anxiety.<br />
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Communication. Such an easy word to roll off the tongue. So multi-faceted. How important it is in our lives, and how little attention we give it. How bad things can get when it breaks down. How many ways it can go awry. This is what happened to me, and it was actually relatively a simple miscommunication, yet it completely riveted my life. We rarely think of the ramifications of miscommunication until it damages our lives. Until one feels its impact, there's little concern, there's little thought conceptually - of how much our lives are hung on whether or not communication works. <br />
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Perception is another concept that we give very little mental energy. Yet, how we see our world completely colors our lives. We often look through eyes of fear due to unresolved matters and it clouds everything we do. This flavors every interaction we have, every thought we process, every decision we make. How we view our world has everything to do with how we interact with it. If we expect it to be hostile, we'll get what we expect. Life just works that way -- because it's what we'll see. It's the same concept as expecting positive experiences - what we look for is generally what we encounter. Our thinking and our perception set us up to receive what we long for. Perceptions in life albeit positive or negative -- are essential. <br />
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Perceptions can be changed, however. If one will allow new information or new insight into mind. There can often be a simple shift in thinking - to a mind-blowing intervention. Perceptional shifts are awesome and can be so enlightening -- bringing a whole new and freshness to life. It often feels like a springtime breeze of the mind, an awareness that is on another level. It takes courage often and it takes an openness to learn. Growth spurts usually involve a little fear mixed in with vulnerability. <br />
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My adventures over the last two months have been taxing. Between finding out that my medication has aided in my compulsiveness -- of which has been owned by me and added to my list of defects despite the medications known side effects, has been enlightening. However, I actually feel better knowing that the medication aided me in this horrifying shopping nightmare that I have been in. I've known in my heart of hearts that I didn't use to be like this. I wasn't always compulsive! I used to be really great with my finances - and could live off of nothing in college. I have really felt like I was out of control and literally did not know how it happened. Well, I guess now I know --- I had help. This medication helped push me over that edge into being unable to control that irresistible urge. So this particular part of my life feels much better and I'm actually coming off the medication and doing much better behaviorally.<br />
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I've since gone back to church at Midland. There's a new preacher now. I like him. I'm excited to get back into church life again. I have missed church a lot. <br />
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After the miscommunication from last week that was so devastating for me, I am so filled with gratitude for my psychologist. I was a wreck by the time I got to see him. Not being able to sleep, thinking obsessively, and expecting the worst - really had me reeling. I was just electric with nerves by the time my appointment came, even though I had been with Doc over a year, I was quite afraid. I knew that I had to clarify the situation and straighten things out and try to find some sort of peace. I just wasn't sure how I was going to do this. Thank goodness, I just reached the place in my life where I can surrender and give it all to God when I completely am powerless. I prayed a lot, surrendered, and asked the Holy Spirit to intercede for me. I was so upset that I just didn't know if I could handle it. So, I let God do it. <br />
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That was the miracle. <br />
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Everything went beautifully. All of the issues that needed to be addressed were - and then some. What was so awesome was that I really sensed that the Holy Spirit was with me. It was one of the best sessions that we've had. I left that appointment feeling better than I've ever felt. I truly felt clean inside. That may not make sense to some of you - but it will to others. When you come from a shame-based family--- clean is the last thing you feel inside. Broken is what you know. Damaged is what you identify with. It's not that you "make mistakes" - You are one. That is what shame tells you. Shame is extremely difficult to overcome. <br />
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I've been on this journey for 25+ years folks. I'm nearing the end. I felt and believed that I can achieve it at the end of last weeks session. Shame can no longer keep it's residency here. I am not who I was. <br />
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Hallelujah! <br />
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<br />gbullard.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14067435699268605970noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2484847551397244580.post-18558944828949123462017-09-28T03:50:00.000-05:002017-09-30T00:56:49.153-05:00Out of Control I'm angry.<br />
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I'm angrier at myself than anyone.<br />
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How could I have not known?<br />
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All of this horrendous struggle. This never-ending search - the inability to stop seeking.<br />
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I'm embarrassed, I think - humbled and somewhat ashamed.<br />
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All of this time I thought myself powerless. Yet, somewhere deep down inside- I knew better. I haven't always been - compulsive. Why have I been these last years? I mean, it isn't that I have never been impulsive -- I think we all have at one time or two in our lives --- but the last decade of my life? Man.<br />
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<b>Impulsive</b>: Acting or done without forethought.<br />
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<b>Compulsive</b>: acting or result from an irresistible urge.<br />
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I wasn't even certain of the difference between the words myself until I defined them. It's quite clear now. <br />
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I'm utterly disgusted. At a loss for words even. This is rare for me.<br />
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At first, it was Abilify. I'm not even certain how many years I took it. Of course, it just comes out now that it's caused compulsive behaviors in people. I have what is characterized as "resistant" major depression - and what this means is that it doesn't respond to the typical medications. Not only does it not respond and I have to take medications that boost my antidepressants, my medications usually will just stop working with no or little warning and will have to be completely changed. It's always been this way with my depression. When I was first diagnosed, I went through eight medication changes - and I still was not well. It's was hell.<br />
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It's so confusing. The Abilify helped so much! For the first time, I felt "normal" - whatever that is. Goodness, I did not know that bankruptcy came with it. The thing that makes me angry is that via my providers --- I've been blamed for this. "It's part of your pathology." UH......... I never did it before!!! It just so happened that I had circumstances in my life that increased my stress level, and I have an anxiety disorder - and I'm so adept at being blamed --- hell I blame myself for any bad behavior I have. I don't need any help from the cheap seats. I'm my own worst enemy!!! I've been told from the time I was big enough to understand how deficient I am. It's a recording that's still in process of removing. <br />
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I did not sleep more than four hours a night for many, many years. Now I knew that was my meds. I wasn't like hyper or anything -- just unable to sleep enough. This exacerbates everything. Yet, this was not normal for me. Sorry about the "normal" reference again. I have no idea what that word really means.... except when I use it in those types of circumstances --- like in sleep (8 hours). I have usually had no difficulties with sleep. As I go to finish this post - I have had little than 2 hours rest.<br />
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Abilify aided me in gaining 40 pounds. It was, don't get me wrong here - in the beginning like a miracle medication. It gave me copious amounts of energy. A new zest for life. A new passion and zeal for my future that just had not been there. It relieved my depression symptoms where nothing else had. I was so grateful. Now here I am - all these years past - with my credit in shambles - for the second time, having had dangerous behavior in my history, few friends and now lost in a mire of the quandary wondering what just happened?<br />
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I don't know if I would have even known if the class action suit hadn't come up. I then did the research on Rexulti - only to discover that it is the forerunner for Abilify. <span style="color: magenta;"> GREAT!! </span> Pharmaceuticals!! Rexulti even has a lovely gene mutation - for cancer.<br />
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I have a mixed bag of feelings. I owe my Semi-wellbeing to these medications. On one hand, I have been moderately nonsuicidal on these medications. I also had an internal struggle like nobody's business. I've spent thousands - hundreds of thousands. I have been out of control on this medicine. I think this is a side effect that someone should know about. Of course, the legal system only recognizes gambling as concrete enough to actually sue these companies for damages.<br />
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I'm so disheartened. I have all the while, been attempting to follow Christ. I have been utterly (what feels like) failing. How can a compulsive person with some of the behaviors that I have had -- be a new creation? I mean of course we're human beings -- and God knows - but man.<br />
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I'm on my way off this mess. I went to my provider yesterday and I started the process of titration. It will take some time, but I'm removing this from my life. I'm so tired - in the hole at the bank - which ordinarily I'd never do. So much has been so out of character for me --- and I knew it. How many times have I told people to follow their intuition? But did I trust mine? How utterly sad.<br />
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Please if you are on either of these medications -- and you are having uncontrollable behavior --- go to your provider. Ask questions. See about it. Both Rexulti and Abilify causes compulsive behavior -- and I'm telling you now -- you think it's you.<br />
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<b>Thank you, Jesus, for giving me knowledge - for my gaining understanding. Father God - I pray for all who may need this message in their lives to receive it. Let this message find a way, where there was no way. I pray for blessing and favor for all who read it - and that follow my writings, Lord grant them peace that passes all understanding. Amen. </b><br />
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I found a new song -- and it's so beautiful - It speaks right to the heart of where I am, and what I want.<br />
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My hope is that you find yourself in this song too.<br />
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Until next time,<br />
God Bless,<br />
G.<br />
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<br />gbullard.blogspot.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14067435699268605970noreply@blogger.com0