Monday, December 3, 2012

A difficult then some.

I had one today.  I made a discovery since yesterday - last night actually.  I had gone to see my Mom in the nursing home.  When I head that way, I usually go and see my best friend right afterwards.  Now, I've been struggling these past few weeks.  I did not know what was wrong, I just knew internally I had not been feeling like myself.  My motivation has been greatly lacking, and my attitude has been really headed south.  I've felt sad one moment and rather void of feeling another.  I'm usually very bubbly, and full of energy.  I get more done that most, especially with having chronic pain.  People are amazed that I handle my medicine (pain) and my pain as well as I do.  I just figure we got one stab at this life deal, and I had better do with it, what I can - pain or not.  However, these last few weeks - I've been  on an emotional roller-coaster that's headed to la la land.  

I've been having problems with memory.  I think my brain is actually either really messed up from all of the drugs that I've done, or there is seriously something wrong.  I had told my psychiatrist - that I just cannot remember things, and things that I need to remember.  It is extremely frustrating and it was making me very upset.  Well, after several months of complaining, she put me on a new med to help with cognition.  

At first all seemed a go.  I was remembering things and doing well.  I had a few side affects, but it seemed to be getting better.  I had a few angry moments and took it out on my dog - (no I was not abusive to my dog) mostly just cranky about going out so much.  This seemed to subside about week three.  Then however, I started the, "who am I", tract.  Those that do read, have read.  I really thought I was doing better --- so much for  my thinking!!  

My friends last night asked me what was wrong with me.  I did not realize it was 'visible'.  I guess I looked different, and my demeanor was off.  When you've known people for 30+ years, it's kind of hard to be someone other than who you're supposed to be... thank God.  All I knew was I'd really been having a hard time.  I had not actually put two and two together.  I had been pleased that I could remember things, and was more focused - but I knew that I'd not been wanting to do certain things that I normally do.  I'd not been addressing issues that I normally take care of right away, and I'd been letting things go around here.  I have unopened mail, and my apartment is in disarray.  My mood is pretty awful when I think about it and I actually flipped someone off this morning -- and this isn't me.  I had a very difficult internal battle with myself this morning about going in to volunteer and I love going there.  Then when I got there, I got angry.  Further proof that this med's gotta go.  I'm not an angry person.

I've not been praying like I usually do - nor reading my bible.  I don't feel connected spiritually - at ALL.  I tried to pray yesterday on the way to see my Mom - and it was like I was talking to a door knob.  It isn't Jesus that has changed, by the way - it's Gina.  

So, I drove out to the psych office and made an appointment and I cut the dose in half tonight.  I'll be my bubbly self again in no time.  These things take time, but at least I know what is going on now.  The headache will go away (side-affect) - and I'll feel better soon.  I just will have to adjust to taking note pads with me, and using my Evernote application on my phone.  I guess my mind or the lack there of -- the memory is a consequence of my addiction?  I don't know.  I don't know what is the cause of my memory loss.  Sometimes we have to surrender to not  knowing why or what's the cause and just deal with it.  I don't think I'll be trying anymore medications any time soon after this fiasco.  

I was thinking today after putting in a long day of volunteering - sometimes less is more.  Sometimes leaving things alone is better than trying to fix them, and acceptance is the key.  I couldn't get my mind around not being able to remember my past, but perhaps there's a reason in God's world for it.  I have tempted fate now, and I have the consequences for it.  I have to wade through what this med has put me through because I did not accept my life as it is.  I've even had feelings like people didn't want me around - those old feeling of depression - that I really dislike.  The one's where you know that it's you an your magical magnifying mind... but you still have the feeling.  There is no reason for it, but it still exists.  

I can't wait to feel better.  However, I have to wait.  I have to wade through these next few weeks, and deal with what I go through.  At least, I am aware.  Awareness is the beginning of everything.  We cannot deal with anything if we aren't even aware.  My friends gave me that last night.  I knew something was off - but I wasn't certain what.  Now I know.  What a gift.  Friendship is always a gift.  Awareness is a gift.  Life is a gift.  May we all live it to our fullest potential.  I had a difficult few days, and a bumpy day today.  Hey, I'm on the upswing now.  I got a lot done today.  Productivity, marked by positivity and attitude is priceless.  Pair all of these things with gratitude and you've got a really good life.  It is all in how we see it, what pair of glasses we put on.  Our primary perspective.  If one chooses to look for miracles, there everywhere.  Just like stars at night.  Difficulties become opportunities to grow.      

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