Chemicals no longer needed.

 

I agree with this wholeheartedly.  

I'm going on day three... of little sleep, I'm in a transition with my depression medications. My mind hurts. I am going through such a major transformation at this place - this unknown- uncertain time in my life. I say "uncertain", because bills aren't paid, and my future is unclear. I'm moving soon into a dwelling I've yet to lay eyes on. I do not concern myself ---- it's out of this hellish nightmare. 

I haven't smoked a cigarette since Monday - and I have NOT craved one at all. I threw every last piece of drug paraphernalia I had into the DUMPSTER and bid it good Riddance on the same day. 

I am finally obeying Jesus. 

It's taken me long enough. I feel good. I know it was the right thing for me to do. I actually have felt JOY creep up on me, and I've actually laughed this week, in between the intermittent feelings of rage at the onslaughts of assaults on my home. I still am finding things missing - and I believe there is still someone coming into my home when I am gone. I don't know if anyone can even fathom how deeply this violates every cell in your being, and the kind of rage it builds inside. I do not want these feelings, yet, I have to discover a way to rid myself of them, and OH there's A LOT OF IT.

I actually have a over abundance of stomach acid pumping and a bile duct that's dilated and I need surgery --- because this acid is so bad in my stomach. It's literally eaten my gums - eaten my mouth to the point of burning so badly the pain was nearly unbearable. Talk about something being seething?  Oh yes, I've seethed... When some female is or has been in your home and so bold as to use your cosmetics?  Steal your intimate things? 

I promise you -- you'd feel a rage inside of you - just a difficult to contain as mine. I want and have wanted to hurt someone. Since I'm not an irrational person --- these horrible feelings? These feelings of betrayal have all just eaten me up inside.  

I am ever so aware and have been that anger is just energetic and oh so deeply felt -- hurt.  Deeply felt betrayal. Anger and rage just give the hurt a voice. Often a very loud one, and the power is much easier to contend with- and you don't have to be vulnerable... you can have power!! Power is such fuel for the EGO!! It allows us to feel superior, that we are RIGHT, JUSTIFIED, and BEYOND REPROACH!! I truly dislike all of those aspects -- I have been in "ego killing" manifestation for years now. I can care less who's right -- true humility is "what's right." The greater good for us all -- and I don't even know what this is a large. part of the time, I am just a small part of the greater collective of this universe!!! 

    

This attachment stuff -- it's not just about people, it's a theme -- attachment to anything for me other than the Lord almighty is not going to be a benefit .  I am finally seeing this in the exact light of what God has been trying to show me for my whole entire life. I've sought fulfillment in the world, it's people, it's many, many, pleasures, it's deepest destructions - it's deepest attempts at escape.  Something that I don't do often -- because I try my utmost never to break them --- but I'll promise anyone -- 

If you are searching for fulfillment or comfort in something missing from the depths of your soul, you will never find it in or from any given aspect of any type of by product produced or otherwise of this earth.  Never. I've sought out them all. I went from people to and IV needle, and it AIN'T THERE.

Oh, perhaps you'll find temporary comfort, but no long lasting sense of belonging or will you  ever find your way home.

Only God can do this. 

I have placed this song in previous writings but it still resonates with my soul. I praise Jesus for the promptings of the Holy Spirit I had this week, and I thank Jesus for never giving up on me -- I finally was obedient -- and I feel so good.  

My back is no longer crooked, my scoliosis is gone - the kidney that I had that was so much larger on the right side of my back has reseeded into my body and it no longer hurts constantly.  I'm growing stronger everyday. After years of wondering why God wouldn't heal me -- well, my time had no yet come... all beautiful words of my former Pastor. I understand now. 

I am beginning physical therapy next week -- I am being restored as I sit here - and I will stand up straight, you watch.  Hallelujah!! 

My dearest friend who reached out to me in my darkest hour, and accepted me with the most precious love of God I've ever known, Sister you have NO idea how much I love you-- I was so ashamed to answer your message - but I had to - I needed you more than you'll ever know -- and GOD KNEW!!! Thank you for obeying. You are my one one true "lay down my life for" sister in Christ.    We take communion almost everyday together and it WORKS!!! 

"Every minute, every moment, where I been, and where I'm going - like a treasure buried in the broken pieces - There was Jesus!"

I write of my life, my struggles, my journey so that someone, somewhere might find hope from my sufferings and my rise up in the Lord.  If not but one, I've accomplished what I set out to do.... 

      All Glory, All Honor, and All Praise, to the One True God! 

I will forever be enamored by and astonished

 for the Finished Work of Jesus Christ.  

Love,

Gina

Step One, Surrender.

People hate hearing about your pain.  Only reason I know is because I have had my (your share, the neighbors share, the next door neighbors..) share, of a lifetime of pain. I have been on both sides of the chair - both counselor and client.  This makes it difficult when you attempt to have friends. Very difficult. 

Listening is something I do with my WHOLE BODY 

Most folk listen to respond

This drives me nuts...

I'm an Old School Friend. I don't want many - but I want the ones I have to be REAL. 

What I mean by that - is by the fact that the scripture in John 15:13"Greater love has no man than this, that he Lay down his life for his friends." 

Means everything to me.

I'm an odd one I suppose.

You almost have to have a therapist for a friend, or else you feel lost. 

Friends are not equipped to hear you.  

This very fact, almost cost me my whole life.

It is a hellofa epiphany when you find out what caused your downfall - and it's even worse when you discover it was because you listened to the people you thought were telling you the best information that they knew to tell you. But it's worse again, when you knew all along inside yourself, your gut was screaming "this is just beyond any ability to accept".  

Things happen in life - well,  they happened all throughout my. life that proved to me, over and over and over again - that I had no voice, no real power, and when I tried to speak up- I usually got hurt, and usually hurt badly.  Hell, it's still 

happening. Just a little different, in a different package. Unfortunately, deeper damage, and more abuse than I ever imagined, would ensue...

I lost something that was priceless to me, and precious, irreplaceable and what was mine - rightfully mine, was destroyed for no reason, other than hate, jealousy, revenge, spite, and plain ugly, mean, neurotic human behavior at it's most VILE.

I saw the depths of human darkness right out of my own family, a betrayal like none anyone should ever have to endure, and I believe the soul secrets are so insidious, and shameful - it's what propelled such demonic behavior.  

Who completely erases another human beings entire presence off the face of the earth and for what reason?  Particularly when this person has been a loyal parent, a provider, and a kind man all his life? Who burns another man's belongings to ash and for what reason? Puts on his headstone the wrong WAR? 

What kind of tyranny has taken place for this depth of hatred? 

 

Oh and be sure - the hatred? It was just as much about- and attached to me.

I'm done being silent -- because my swallowing betrayal like I was "told", almost has throughout this past ten years- damn near been the end of me. You see when you allow people to just kick you like your a dog, and don't deserve anything better? Well, sooner or later, there's another really brutal betrayal, and man, this one with a demonic narcissist was almost more cruel that I could even imagine to me. I trauma bonded with him, and also experienced what's called "complex trauma" - man - I couldn't have mixed up a more toxic soup if I had the recipe.

I ended up betraying myself - 

I stuck a needle in me. 

I didn't care.  By then, I needed to get high, to want to live.

I didn't matter to anyone anyways.

I wasn't who I was anymore.  I had no clue who I had become, the she I was, was dead. 

Nothing mattered but killing this hurt that was killing me. 

I couldn't even try to talk to anyone, police harassed me, bullied me, passed around the video of my assault, but couldn't use that for evidence.... kept my phone for six days ... 

You name it, if it pertains to a narcissist? I been through it.

People left me one by one because of the drugs, and my method of using it, and HIM. Little by little everyone left, even my mental health center betrayed me.  Why not? What did I have the mental strength to do? NOTHING and they knew it.

You know what though?

It's a new era right now- and God's restored my vision for me, and I'm healing - SO MUCH, and He's revealing everything I've prayed for to me.

I'm not broken, I never was. 

Momma was.

I just had to try and survive 

I am not the defective one,

not then, 

not now.

The wounds I do have are healing as I sit here, and know that "By His Stripes, I am Healed!!" MY time just had not yet come, but it has begun! My prayers are being answered quickly and in the most beautiful, amazing, and unbelievable ways.  But, God had to come and get me - I'd almost given up. 

This song says it all.... 

Trust His timing- It's everything. 

Thank you,

Jesus