I struggled with knowing whether to begin a whole new blog or to continue with this one, and I thought to myself "you've worked so hard, continue what you began years ago." So here I am, newly sober again, struggling with life on life's terms - shaky even at times, not even believing some of the events that have taken place --- but I have to accept what is or I'll get high again. Some days are really tough, and I'll explain the best way I know how - I'm going to be as transparent as I can find words to- an open book the program calls it --- I want folks to understand this disease I have - so that they'll know that LOVE has nothing to do with a CHOICE - if it did, there would be nothing to speak of powerlessness. You see when we are powerless it means for the addict WE HAVE NO CHOICE - we must use - it's in our DNA - it is mine, if not for Jesus Christ - I'd be high now --- I love it, it soothes everything in my damn system, my pain (emotional, mental, physical, and) my rational mind. That first few seconds of pure bliss when that meth hits my bloodstream - I am in heaven, absolute friggin heaven. Everything feels right with the world!!!! I got NO problems, of ANY kind, not now, not ever. Time stands still.
Yes, you'll pay damn near any price for that. And you do. I have. I did.
Welcome back. So Glad you're here.
Never and Always.
Two opposites of the same spectrum. I have stopped saying either one of them. To me their setups for failure. Not just any failure, oh no, major life-altering disillusionment.
I said with a tinge of judgment -- which 99% conviction -- I'll never do meth-amphetamine. I have consistently said I'd never been able to see nor understand how anyone could put a spike in their arms. Well, guess what? NOW I'VE GRADUATED, I HAVE COMPLETED THE COURSE AND I AM PROFICIENT AT BOTH. No, I am not proud by any means, I'd have to be an idiot to be so. I cannot even hardly pray - and I've been a Christian for many, many years as those of you who've read my blog before are fully aware. There are just those times when the things we do are so lowly and below the standards, we've set for ourselves, we cannot even talk to God. That's where I'm at. I know He doesn't judge me, it is I who judge myself. I do not feel worthy to hardly even call Him into my presence -- Yet I need His grace more than I ever have.
Crazy isn't it? Yes, it is.
As I share with you this morning, 48 days sober - most days at some point my veins purple and plump as all get out -- seemingly standing at attention -- any blind man could hit at first poke -- I do ask Him to help me stay clean and remove from my psyche these awful cravings. The mental and physical deep yearnings for that poison is so strong in me yet - it bombards my mind a few times a day. I can handle it (me and Him) in small doses. I distract myself, I keep my arms covered as to not see my track marks or those damned fully engorged veins. It is up to me whether or not I entertain and allow the thoughts to linger. Much is up to me. I call people who understand and remind me I don't have to live that way anymore. I talk with people who have come back into my life that are HUGE blessings to me. My life will slowly heal, and the urges will subside if I don't succumb to them. I can recover from meth addiction. I will stay clean this 24 hours, I will do whatever is necessary for these 24 hours to not put that garbage into my bloodstream.
I've been to hell and back. I'm still not out yet, but I'm in a better place than I've been so far. Something inside feels lighter and less heavy. It sounds odd to say having been sober before but I think I surrendered. Like BIG. I spent the weekend with a very treasured and much-loved friend, and in conversation with her, something in me reached a reckoning. I came in Sunday and went to my Contemporary Christian music and just let go of a lot of pressure and sorrow. I have to forgive myself and somehow be able to reconcile myself back in the presence of Jesus because if I don't and find healing in Him, I don't know if I can truly get sober (minded) an stay. I had to let go of replaying triggers. I'm doing my desire for sobriety and a new life a hell of a disservice. I need all the positives, "attaboys" and the rest right now, I'm just a fresh newly sprouted tiny grotesquely green spark of a sapling. But I am a sapling, and I am going to be one to be reckoned with.
I realize this will be a shock to some, my being this transparent and it's not that I am trying by no means to be in any one's face with anything- because I'm truly not attempting that either, I wish to enlighten, encourage, and dispel the tightly held untruths about addiction. If you know anything about me, if I'm breathing and in my right mind, I am attempting to teach something, or at the very least encourage someone. It's just how God made me, and even though I have often suffered behind the naivety in and to this spirit of giving - I refuse to be other than exactly who He made me. I will be judged.
I LOST PEOPLE BEFORE
IT WAS BECAUSE OF MY LOSSES I GOT HERE
I LET GO OF GOD
Humans make bad God's, Chemicals are bad coping mechanisms.
John 16:33
These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.
The struggle is real.
This video is my final tribute of dying and dead chapter in my life--
"I don't wanna let you go, I think about you now everywhere I roll, somewhere down the road I lost my soul, and I know cause it glitters doesn't mean it's Gold -
I don't want to hurt nobody, I just want to let the truth be told, I don't want to hurt nobody, But I'm about to lose my self-control."
"Glitter" Jelly Roll/Struggle Jennings
I didn't loose my soul, but damned near everything else.
Today, my heart is right again, expansion has began into how my suffering can cease to be just crying myself to sleep - I have said thoughout this period of insanity -- I will pull through this, I will become more than I ever dreamed possible. The reason I state this has NOTHING to do with my utterly gross mistakes and misgivings but what I know with certainty - God can do... I know in deepest and most utmost recesses of my heart - God will take what man has used for evil -- and He will use it for His glory!! I have so much healing to do, and I will learn a great deal along my path with Jesus. The disease of addiction lies, uses us, and we're it's vessel for destruction, it wants us nothing more but dead.
MINE CANNOT HAVE ME.
I have already been adopted into the lineage through Abraham by faith and redemption, I belong to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
May God Bless and Keep you,
Gina
