I'm going on day three... of little sleep, I'm in a transition with my depression medications. My mind hurts. I am going through such a major transformation at this place - this unknown- uncertain time in my life. I say "uncertain", because bills aren't paid, and my future is unclear. I'm moving soon into a dwelling I've yet to lay eyes on. I do not concern myself ---- it's out of this hellish nightmare.
I haven't smoked a cigarette since Monday - and I have NOT craved one at all. I threw every last piece of drug paraphernalia I had into the DUMPSTER and bid it good Riddance on the same day.
I am finally obeying Jesus.
It's taken me long enough. I feel good. I know it was the right thing for me to do. I actually have felt JOY creep up on me, and I've actually laughed this week, in between the intermittent feelings of rage at the onslaughts of assaults on my home. I still am finding things missing - and I believe there is still someone coming into my home when I am gone. I don't know if anyone can even fathom how deeply this violates every cell in your being, and the kind of rage it builds inside. I do not want these feelings, yet, I have to discover a way to rid myself of them, and OH there's A LOT OF IT.
I actually have a over abundance of stomach acid pumping and a bile duct that's dilated and I need surgery --- because this acid is so bad in my stomach. It's literally eaten my gums - eaten my mouth to the point of burning so badly the pain was nearly unbearable. Talk about something being seething? Oh yes, I've seethed... When some female is or has been in your home and so bold as to use your cosmetics? Steal your intimate things?
I promise you -- you'd feel a rage inside of you - just a difficult to contain as mine. I want and have wanted to hurt someone. Since I'm not an irrational person --- these horrible feelings? These feelings of betrayal have all just eaten me up inside.
I am ever so aware and have been that anger is just energetic and oh so deeply felt -- hurt. Deeply felt betrayal. Anger and rage just give the hurt a voice. Often a very loud one, and the power is much easier to contend with- and you don't have to be vulnerable... you can have power!! Power is such fuel for the EGO!! It allows us to feel superior, that we are RIGHT, JUSTIFIED, and BEYOND REPROACH!! I truly dislike all of those aspects -- I have been in "ego killing" manifestation for years now. I can care less who's right -- true humility is "what's right." The greater good for us all -- and I don't even know what this is a large. part of the time, I am just a small part of the greater collective of this universe!!!
This attachment stuff -- it's not just about people, it's a theme -- attachment to anything for me other than the Lord almighty is not going to be a benefit . I am finally seeing this in the exact light of what God has been trying to show me for my whole entire life. I've sought fulfillment in the world, it's people, it's many, many, pleasures, it's deepest destructions - it's deepest attempts at escape. Something that I don't do often -- because I try my utmost never to break them --- but I'll promise anyone --
If you are searching for fulfillment or comfort in something missing from the depths of your soul, you will never find it in or from any given aspect of any type of by product produced or otherwise of this earth. Never. I've sought out them all. I went from people to and IV needle, and it AIN'T THERE.
Oh, perhaps you'll find temporary comfort, but no long lasting sense of belonging or will you ever find your way home.
Only God can do this.
I have placed this song in previous writings but it still resonates with my soul. I praise Jesus for the promptings of the Holy Spirit I had this week, and I thank Jesus for never giving up on me -- I finally was obedient -- and I feel so good.
My back is no longer crooked, my scoliosis is gone - the kidney that I had that was so much larger on the right side of my back has reseeded into my body and it no longer hurts constantly. I'm growing stronger everyday. After years of wondering why God wouldn't heal me -- well, my time had no yet come... all beautiful words of my former Pastor. I understand now.
I am beginning physical therapy next week -- I am being restored as I sit here - and I will stand up straight, you watch. Hallelujah!!
My dearest friend who reached out to me in my darkest hour, and accepted me with the most precious love of God I've ever known, Sister you have NO idea how much I love you-- I was so ashamed to answer your message - but I had to - I needed you more than you'll ever know -- and GOD KNEW!!! Thank you for obeying. You are my one one true "lay down my life for" sister in Christ. We take communion almost everyday together and it WORKS!!!
"Every minute, every moment, where I been, and where I'm going - like a treasure buried in the broken pieces - There was Jesus!"
I write of my life, my struggles, my journey so that someone, somewhere might find hope from my sufferings and my rise up in the Lord. If not but one, I've accomplished what I set out to do....
All Glory, All Honor, and All Praise, to the One True God!
People hate hearing about your pain. Only reason I know is because I have had my (your share, the neighbors share, the next door neighbors..) share, of a lifetime of pain. I have been on both sides of the chair - both counselor and client. This makes it difficult when you attempt to have friends. Very difficult.
Listening is something I do with my WHOLE BODY
Most folk listen to respond
This drives me nuts...
I'm an Old School Friend. I don't want many - but I want the ones I have to be REAL.
What I mean by that - is by the fact that the scripture in John 15:13"Greater love has no man than this, that he Lay down his life for his friends."
Means everything to me.
I'm an odd one I suppose.
You almost have to have a therapist for a friend, or else you feel lost.
Friends are not equipped to hear you.
This very fact, almost cost me my whole life.
It is a hellofa epiphany when you find out what caused your downfall - and it's even worse when you discover it was because you listened to the people you thought were telling you the best information that they knew to tell you. But it's worse again, when you knew all along inside yourself, your gut was screaming "this is just beyond any ability to accept".
Things happen in life - well, they happened all throughout my. life that proved to me, over and over and over again - that I had no voice, no real power, and when I tried to speak up- I usually got hurt, and usually hurt badly. Hell, it's still
happening. Just a little different, in a different package. Unfortunately, deeper damage, and more abuse than I ever imagined, would ensue...
I lost something that was priceless to me, and precious, irreplaceable and what was mine - rightfully mine, was destroyed for no reason, other than hate, jealousy, revenge, spite, and plain ugly, mean, neurotic human behavior at it's most VILE.
I saw the depths of human darkness right out of my own family, a betrayal like none anyone should ever have to endure, and I believe the soul secrets are so insidious, and shameful - it's what propelled such demonic behavior.
Who completely erases another human beings entire presence off the face of the earth and for what reason? Particularly when this person has been a loyal parent, a provider, and a kind man all his life? Who burns another man's belongings to ash and for what reason? Puts on his headstone the wrong WAR?
What kind of tyranny has taken place for this depth of hatred?
Oh and be sure - the hatred? It was just as much about- and attached to me.
I'm done being silent -- because my swallowing betrayal like I was "told", almost has throughout this past ten years- damn near been the end of me. You see when you allow people to just kick you like your a dog, and don't deserve anything better? Well, sooner or later, there's another really brutal betrayal, and man, this one with a demonic narcissist was almost more cruel that I could even imagine to me. I trauma bonded with him, and also experienced what's called "complex trauma" - man - I couldn't have mixed up a more toxic soup if I had the recipe.
I ended up betraying myself -
I stuck a needle in me.
I didn't care. By then, I needed to get high, to want to live.
I didn't matter to anyone anyways.
I wasn't who I was anymore. I had no clue who I had become, the she I was, was dead.
Nothing mattered but killing this hurt that was killing me.
I couldn't even try to talk to anyone, police harassed me, bullied me, passed around the video of my assault, but couldn't use that for evidence.... kept my phone for six days ...
You name it, if it pertains to a narcissist? I been through it.
People left me one by one because of the drugs, and my method of using it, and HIM. Little by little everyone left, even my mental health center betrayed me. Why not? What did I have the mental strength to do? NOTHING and they knew it.
You know what though?
It's a new era right now- and God's restored my vision for me, and I'm healing - SO MUCH, and He's revealing everything I've prayed for to me.
I'm not broken, I never was.
Momma was.
I just had to try and survive
I am not the defective one,
not then,
not now.
The wounds I do have are healing as I sit here, and know that "By His Stripes, I am Healed!!" MY time just had not yet come, but it has begun! My prayers are being answered quickly and in the most beautiful, amazing, and unbelievable ways. But, God had to come and get me - I'd almost given up.
There's much to be said of courage and strength. Overcoming battles be it of the mind, body, or soul, all take their toll. The current circumstances I'm enduring now and have been being one I pray profusely - I never know of another woman ever having to endure. I've been asked many times over, "how are you holding all of that together?!" I try my best to answer, and I answer as best I am able, "it's by the grace of God because otherwise, I don't know."
I was assaulted, gagged, bound, and terrorized by someone I cared for - for over two hours on July 4th, 2019. No charges were ever filed and will be filed. I have had to accept the unacceptable in these matters, I have a grand total of nine felonies against this man. No charges pending, there's always been this matter of "lack of evidence." I'm quite certain he's being protected by law enforcement. I've lost more than one can imagine, besides nearly my mind. I've been treated like garbage basically by the local law enforcement - like I'm the repeat felon - and I do not even have a parking ticket to my name, but if drugs are involved, you're a piece of excrement. But he's not and he deals it.
I over the course of almost three years, at which he spent one of them in prison, his third-round - mind you - a repeat offender, with warrants as I write -- a DUI for driving while under the influence -- with a revoked license? Wouldn't you put someone like that (with active warrants, no less?) in jail?
No, not this lucky charm, he's untouchable. Damn.
He's terrorized me in my home, he found someone intelligent enough to clone my phone, harassing me through that medium, I'd watch as the settings changed with my phone in my hand, pictures just deleted, and every email address hacked, and sheaths places over the real account so I was unable to even access my accounts, password changes numerous times a day.
This blog was made inaccessible to me. They changed the initial email address to log into the main admin page, taking me nearly a year to find. I've spent copious hours with Apple care and my apple ID because they breached my home computer. NO one believed me, and I was basically laughed at. My phone was monitored constantly messages he didn't want to send, were not, numbers he didn't want me to have - like to the sexual abuse advocate? DELETED.
HE IS A MONSTER
A living, breathing, nothing better to do with his life than to try and ruin mine, because I'M STRONGER THAN HE'LL EVER BE.
This was the presuppose of his whole plot. Beat me down mentally Physically and emotionally - and try to destroy me.
Man cannot destroy what God has claimed as His own.
Isiah 54:17
As this blog as my witness, my strength had nothing to do with him, but he wanted to master over it, but being he could not, he settled for attempting to hurt me anyway he knew how. He's a small man because he made that choice. Only a small-minded man would have made such a decision.
I've endured so much that at this writing I feel as if I will be ill, the ramifications so vast. My addiction soared, my consequences so high, I am still trying to overcome.
BUT...
I'm still breathing, still striving, still not giving up, and I'll not be defeated by someone who will never know what it is to overcome one's deepest darkness at the center of their soul. I've met my souls ugliest, I've cried until I thought I'd die, I've grieved for months, YEARS on end. Courage and tenacity are a staple in Gina's life. Courage is NOT in the absence of fear. Feel that shit and do it anyways. Fear is nothing but emotional energy and it lies.
This is a representation of the robe I escaped in and wore to the hospital when I was taken to do the rape kit. I brought it home yesterday from evidence. I am making it my badge of honor. Yes, it's difficult to look at, to stomach, to feel all that goes with this garment. But, this is a concrete representation of an extremely horrific reality for me. This is what drug addiction does for you. These types of consequences are what associating with criminals and people who have no value for you, does for you. This is my reality.
No, I did not and would never deserve what happened to me, and I'm not finished yet in my pursuit of justice, because I've been wronged. The evidence bag had never been unsealed. Strange huh? There were articles in the pockets of this robe, which I find very strange. So much of what DID NOT happen as far as law enforcement is concerned on my welfare and behalf, is beyond defying all reality. I do not believe in the agony of waiting six months of "evidence to process," do I believe any evidence was ever sent in.
There are days, I just can't. I can't function, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I cannot participate in my own life. It's called PTSD. I'm fully aware of what needs to be done, it runs through my mind, which makes things worse. Knowing you need to take care of a million things yet being unable to move, is horrible. Your status is "breathing". It's the absolute best I can do many days yet. But you know what? It's perfectly okay. They're becoming less and less. Praise God.
I'm SOBER. I'm changing, and I'm growing, and I'm overcoming this nightmare. I'm not staying in this pit of hell. I don't belong here, I never really did, and I know now I'm so much stronger than I EVER REALISED!! I have so often throughout caring for this man and being so brutally rejected, his cruelty unparalleled, and his outright hatred towards me incomprehensible - the emotional pain from all of these daggers to my psyche - man have they taught me immeasurable lessons. These things, each and everyone are direct descendants to core issues of my childhood, my deepest and most heinous deficiencies of the nurturing, care, and lack of attachment that I experienced from my mother are all tied up in this nightmare. Even after Twenty-six years of self-examination and my best attempts at healing through traditional therapy - I've came a LONG way - yet still, the wound exists. I have had a reckoning, one which I believe I knew - it is not I who can heal myself -- until I release this pit of hell within my soul that perpetually tells me, "you'll never be enough", and allow God to move in my life-- I will always feel empty. I will reach for chemical fulfillment over and over, albeit food, sex, shopping, or drugs. See, my broken tools will never work, but His Perfect Work is all that can. An....
It Is Finished.
I've been whole this entire time. I just have had a hard time accepting His Gift.
Understanding its totality is sometimes hard for us mere humans. His Gift of Grace, Mercy, and Unfathomable Love is kind of beyond the comprehension of our minds.
So although I don't know that I'd done with seeking as to why I don't deserve justice, and he is allowed to just face no punishment - I must put some kind of rest within myself to this nightmare within myself. I must trust in God's justice. I have to keep moving forward. I have to have hope in my life, and in my future. I have things to do, and I have women (and men) to encourage, strengthen, and build up - because of my story - and my suffering-- someone, somewhere, can avoid or overcome what I have endured.
All of life is circular, everything including this earth revolves.
I'm so grateful for recovery, so grateful to be clear-minded despite the battles that I have at times. I wish some of the people in my life understood more and had a bit more patience with me, but they've not walked through the pits of hell like I have. The ones that do understand, I cherish and you know who you are. I praise God for you, and because of you-- I gain strength to go forward despite the anger, the rage, and the indifference I feel some days. Never ever doubt the loyalty, dedication, and strides a true friend makes towards you when you're at your weakest and at you're darkest days. It's God in a human suit. I'm certain of it. I'm so humbled.
Now, this right here - this song means so much to me, I love Mary J. Blige so much - and this right here? It's everything. I'm going to soar once I get through this all. Make no mistake, I'm not bound to this ground, no, God's got so much in store for me, see this is why I'm here. I've got great things to do yet, I know it in my soul. Great sorrow and great pain brings about great leadership, and I've found miraculous recoveries. My life is full of miracles, and He ain't done yet. I haven't come down this far -- and suffered this much to settle for nothing - God always has a purpose behind the pain. I have so much to give of wisdom, encouragement, uplifting, and promise of grand hope inside of me, and I'm not even halfway healed yet -- can you imagine when my life really gets set on solid ground what kind of force for goodness, truth, and inspiration to be reckoned with is in me? Yeah, me too.
I've been lead to the same scriptures in Mark, Matthew, and Luke - who having a lamp places it under a stand? (Paraphrase mine) I have randomly opened my bible four times in a row, so I am pressed to believe God's telling me something. I'm sure listening. I'm going to obey this time.
This song as I began to illude to above, says so much. I hope you enjoy it and I hope you listen. It goes out to all of you -- and I'm singing to myself.
"Doubt" is a song recorded by American singer Mary J. Blige from her twelfth studio album The London Sessions. It was written by Blige and English musician Sam Romans, while production was helmed by Romans and American record producer Rodney "Darkchild" Jerkins.
"You think you know me,
But you don't know the half,
You said I'd never be someone,
You think you beat me down,
But I'll have the last laugh,
I'll keep getting up going,
Cause that's what I was born to do,
I'm gonna be the best me,
I'm sorry if it kills you."
Thanks for hanging in with me, please share this -- for other women who've been assaulted and have had to accept the unacceptable. So they will know they're not alone. Justice doesn't always appear in ways we think it will. May those of us who receive it in different forms be able to accept healing as it comes and not reject it because of its packaging!! I have tried to control how I wanted it for months now, and it's nearly defeated me, and my healing is in the surrender.
That's how I'm getting through. Learn who you can talk to, and who's just not able to hear your pain. It's not that they don't care, sometimes they just don't know-how. God bless them.
NO MATTER WHAT, YOU MUST HEAL.
God's precious Grace and Glorious Favor to you all --
Be Blessed in your comings and goings, in all you do.
Amen.
love,
G.
