Step One, Surrender.

People hate hearing about your pain.  Only reason I know is because I have had my (your share, the neighbors share, the next door neighbors..) share, of a lifetime of pain. I have been on both sides of the chair - both counselor and client.  This makes it difficult when you attempt to have friends. Very difficult. 

Listening is something I do with my WHOLE BODY 

Most folk listen to respond

This drives me nuts...

I'm an Old School Friend. I don't want many - but I want the ones I have to be REAL. 

What I mean by that - is by the fact that the scripture in John 15:13"Greater love has no man than this, that he Lay down his life for his friends." 

Means everything to me.

I'm an odd one I suppose.

You almost have to have a therapist for a friend, or else you feel lost. 

Friends are not equipped to hear you.  

This very fact, almost cost me my whole life.

It is a hellofa epiphany when you find out what caused your downfall - and it's even worse when you discover it was because you listened to the people you thought were telling you the best information that they knew to tell you. But it's worse again, when you knew all along inside yourself, your gut was screaming "this is just beyond any ability to accept".  

Things happen in life - well,  they happened all throughout my. life that proved to me, over and over and over again - that I had no voice, no real power, and when I tried to speak up- I usually got hurt, and usually hurt badly.  Hell, it's still 

happening. Just a little different, in a different package. Unfortunately, deeper damage, and more abuse than I ever imagined, would ensue...

I lost something that was priceless to me, and precious, irreplaceable and what was mine - rightfully mine, was destroyed for no reason, other than hate, jealousy, revenge, spite, and plain ugly, mean, neurotic human behavior at it's most VILE.

I saw the depths of human darkness right out of my own family, a betrayal like none anyone should ever have to endure, and I believe the soul secrets are so insidious, and shameful - it's what propelled such demonic behavior.  

Who completely erases another human beings entire presence off the face of the earth and for what reason?  Particularly when this person has been a loyal parent, a provider, and a kind man all his life? Who burns another man's belongings to ash and for what reason? Puts on his headstone the wrong WAR? 

What kind of tyranny has taken place for this depth of hatred? 

 

Oh and be sure - the hatred? It was just as much about- and attached to me.

I'm done being silent -- because my swallowing betrayal like I was "told", almost has throughout this past ten years- damn near been the end of me. You see when you allow people to just kick you like your a dog, and don't deserve anything better? Well, sooner or later, there's another really brutal betrayal, and man, this one with a demonic narcissist was almost more cruel that I could even imagine to me. I trauma bonded with him, and also experienced what's called "complex trauma" - man - I couldn't have mixed up a more toxic soup if I had the recipe.

I ended up betraying myself - 

I stuck a needle in me. 

I didn't care.  By then, I needed to get high, to want to live.

I didn't matter to anyone anyways.

I wasn't who I was anymore.  I had no clue who I had become, the she I was, was dead. 

Nothing mattered but killing this hurt that was killing me. 

I couldn't even try to talk to anyone, police harassed me, bullied me, passed around the video of my assault, but couldn't use that for evidence.... kept my phone for six days ... 

You name it, if it pertains to a narcissist? I been through it.

People left me one by one because of the drugs, and my method of using it, and HIM. Little by little everyone left, even my mental health center betrayed me.  Why not? What did I have the mental strength to do? NOTHING and they knew it.

You know what though?

It's a new era right now- and God's restored my vision for me, and I'm healing - SO MUCH, and He's revealing everything I've prayed for to me.

I'm not broken, I never was. 

Momma was.

I just had to try and survive 

I am not the defective one,

not then, 

not now.

The wounds I do have are healing as I sit here, and know that "By His Stripes, I am Healed!!" MY time just had not yet come, but it has begun! My prayers are being answered quickly and in the most beautiful, amazing, and unbelievable ways.  But, God had to come and get me - I'd almost given up. 

This song says it all.... 

Trust His timing- It's everything. 

Thank you,

Jesus