I don't know of a time in my life truly that's been more difficult. What I mean by that - is the multitude of issues I have needing to be addressed, each and everyone of significance an priority - yet I'm rendered so overwhelmed... I feel incapable of dealing with any of it. I don't know if that's nuts to admit - I know it's me being rigorously honest with a whole lot of "I could give a shit", because what I attempt to do with my writing is reach someone, somehow, through my pain. See, this is why I was born. It's what God gave me to do in my lifetime. It's the only way I can do this right now - because I've been steady gaining more "research" once again - because life hurts, LIKE HELL.
I can't seem to get a steady grip on my life right now. My PTSD, the traumatic events I have been through in the last three years are just eating away at my psyche - this and everything that goes with that. I am still living here - trying to get sober - in the same place - with unbelievable physical pain - emotional pain - and anguish like no one could ever imagine. My mind's a horrible place to be right now. My kidneys hurt, my low back hurts, my neck, my head, my mouth - omg - I lost a filling, the remainder is jagged, cutting my cheek, my tongue, it's unbearable - but I have little choice. Where am I going to go? This is the body I live in, so I have no choice but to manage the life that's in it. Oh, I cracked a rib over the weekend.
Oh, I allowed someone into my life over the weekend. Mistake. Violated my trust by day three.
I overwhelm my friends and I don't even tell them everything I feel, think, experience, need, or how much it all hurts. I lose folks because I'm real. People can't handle real. I don't know how else to be. I can't see how they can be anything else... Tricks are for kids... LOL
The hell of all of this is and what normal people DO NOT UNDERSTAND is that these things, this pressure, is exactly why someone like me, uses drugs. When life becomes an experience so painful, so utterly impossible to manage emotionally, mentally, physically, or spiritually - Hell yes, who wouldn't choose escape? Powerlessness on such a level, without hope? Alone, sitting in silence, is just too much. Sometimes it honestly feels like someone has fingernails inside my brain scraping the insides. It's excruciating. I reach a point where I just cannot take anymore. Oh, how fun to be me. People sometimes respond to me like there heads will explode if I keep talking. So, I don't. I have been telling you all I'm a tad odd.... lol.
Now the damnedest thing is somehow, someway - I still must be the one to recover. Utilizing a short-term mechanism for relief to longterm problems will never resolve the problem. Numbing pain is always temporary. The pain will return, and when you reenter the world of pain and anguish where these chemicals live? Oh, goodness - you think you have pain now? You've opened a door where satan lives, and he's just been sitting- calculating on what new heights of damnation he can deliver to you- and he's salivating.
As I sit here my body ablaze with pain, and my mind tortured. I don't want to live this way anymore. How many time must I surrender? What is it I'm not doing right? Wherein is the answer or answers I seek?
I know they're inside me. They're always inside us. I believe we have every last answer, every piece of knowledge, motivation, will, everything we need to surmount any and all challenges we face in this lifetime from the moment of conception - we just need divine timing, placement, and sometimes, certain angels who walk this earth. I'm an avid believer as Marianne Williamson's beautiful message is - they're "Miracle Workers".
I know I have to turn all this around. It's just what Gina does. The difficulty being- oh holy hell, this time this bottom is truly trying to suck me under. It's not just a bottom, it's a syphoning black hole. This chemical - is so powerful, it eats at you're psyche. But, damnit, I know I know how to be and maintain sobriety! I did it for nine years! But, I had a village then, and I was able, and afforded the opportunity to completely change people, places, and things. It was a miracle. Ending up in Hazelden? Man, it makes me so upset with myself. Therein lies yet another grief issue.
Forgiveness. Grief. Emotional Pain.
So much, and I didn't even include the physical mess. Sometimes I truly feel like it's just more than I can manage. Yet, it must be managed. Sleeping as much as I possibly can sure as hell isn't the answer- and I'm ashamed of that - I've NEVER done this.
Even in these storms which are my life. All through this awful turmoil, and ablaze in my heart as it's never been more broken, Jesus. Always, Jesus. People are in my life. Good people an I'm so unbelievable grateful. I am not certain of the answers. I'm not sure what to do. But, I know what not to do.
Reaching into the abyss of that darkest darkness hoping to find the light - is INSANE.
There is a solution, and at all costs, I gotta do life different. Whether or not I feel like it. Whether or not I like the level of powerlessness that this hell has brought me. I wasn't asleep on the road here. Life has got to be lived on it's terms, and NUMB isn't an option! Cry about that all you want. It doesn't change that fact.
"We admitted..."
Now, get up.
