There's much to be said of courage and strength. Overcoming battles be it of the mind, body, or soul, all take their toll. The current circumstances I'm enduring now and have been being one I pray profusely - I never know of another woman ever having to endure. I've been asked many times over, "how are you holding all of that together?!" I try my best to answer, and I answer as best I am able, "it's by the grace of God because otherwise, I don't know."
I was assaulted, gagged, bound, and terrorized by someone I cared for - for over two hours on July 4th, 2019. No charges were ever filed and will be filed. I have had to accept the unacceptable in these matters, I have a grand total of nine felonies against this man. No charges pending, there's always been this matter of "lack of evidence." I'm quite certain he's being protected by law enforcement. I've lost more than one can imagine, besides nearly my mind. I've been treated like garbage basically by the local law enforcement - like I'm the repeat felon - and I do not even have a parking ticket to my name, but if drugs are involved, you're a piece of excrement. But he's not and he deals it.
I over the course of almost three years, at which he spent one of them in prison, his third-round - mind you - a repeat offender, with warrants as I write -- a DUI for driving while under the influence -- with a revoked license? Wouldn't you put someone like that (with active warrants, no less?) in jail?
No, not this lucky charm, he's untouchable. Damn.
He's terrorized me in my home, he found someone intelligent enough to clone my phone, harassing me through that medium, I'd watch as the settings changed with my phone in my hand, pictures just deleted, and every email address hacked, and sheaths places over the real account so I was unable to even access my accounts, password changes numerous times a day.
This blog was made inaccessible to me. They changed the initial email address to log into the main admin page, taking me nearly a year to find. I've spent copious hours with Apple care and my apple ID because they breached my home computer. NO one believed me, and I was basically laughed at. My phone was monitored constantly messages he didn't want to send, were not, numbers he didn't want me to have - like to the sexual abuse advocate? DELETED.
HE IS A MONSTER
A living, breathing, nothing better to do with his life than to try and ruin mine, because I'M STRONGER THAN HE'LL EVER BE.
This was the presuppose of his whole plot. Beat me down mentally Physically and emotionally - and try to destroy me.
Man cannot destroy what God has claimed as His own.
Isiah 54:17
As this blog as my witness, my strength had nothing to do with him, but he wanted to master over it, but being he could not, he settled for attempting to hurt me anyway he knew how. He's a small man because he made that choice. Only a small-minded man would have made such a decision.
I've endured so much that at this writing I feel as if I will be ill, the ramifications so vast. My addiction soared, my consequences so high, I am still trying to overcome.
BUT...
I'm still breathing, still striving, still not giving up, and I'll not be defeated by someone who will never know what it is to overcome one's deepest darkness at the center of their soul. I've met my souls ugliest, I've cried until I thought I'd die, I've grieved for months, YEARS on end. Courage and tenacity are a staple in Gina's life. Courage is NOT in the absence of fear. Feel that shit and do it anyways. Fear is nothing but emotional energy and it lies.
This is a representation of the robe I escaped in and wore to the hospital when I was taken to do the rape kit. I brought it home yesterday from evidence. I am making it my badge of honor. Yes, it's difficult to look at, to stomach, to feel all that goes with this garment. But, this is a concrete representation of an extremely horrific reality for me. This is what drug addiction does for you. These types of consequences are what associating with criminals and people who have no value for you, does for you. This is my reality.
No, I did not and would never deserve what happened to me, and I'm not finished yet in my pursuit of justice, because I've been wronged. The evidence bag had never been unsealed. Strange huh? There were articles in the pockets of this robe, which I find very strange. So much of what DID NOT happen as far as law enforcement is concerned on my welfare and behalf, is beyond defying all reality. I do not believe in the agony of waiting six months of "evidence to process," do I believe any evidence was ever sent in.
There are days, I just can't. I can't function, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I cannot participate in my own life. It's called PTSD. I'm fully aware of what needs to be done, it runs through my mind, which makes things worse. Knowing you need to take care of a million things yet being unable to move, is horrible. Your status is "breathing". It's the absolute best I can do many days yet. But you know what? It's perfectly okay. They're becoming less and less. Praise God.
I'm SOBER. I'm changing, and I'm growing, and I'm overcoming this nightmare. I'm not staying in this pit of hell. I don't belong here, I never really did, and I know now I'm so much stronger than I EVER REALISED!! I have so often throughout caring for this man and being so brutally rejected, his cruelty unparalleled, and his outright hatred towards me incomprehensible - the emotional pain from all of these daggers to my psyche - man have they taught me immeasurable lessons. These things, each and everyone are direct descendants to core issues of my childhood, my deepest and most heinous deficiencies of the nurturing, care, and lack of attachment that I experienced from my mother are all tied up in this nightmare. Even after Twenty-six years of self-examination and my best attempts at healing through traditional therapy - I've came a LONG way - yet still, the wound exists. I have had a reckoning, one which I believe I knew - it is not I who can heal myself -- until I release this pit of hell within my soul that perpetually tells me, "you'll never be enough", and allow God to move in my life-- I will always feel empty. I will reach for chemical fulfillment over and over, albeit food, sex, shopping, or drugs. See, my broken tools will never work, but His Perfect Work is all that can. An....
It Is Finished.
I've been whole this entire time. I just have had a hard time accepting His Gift.
Understanding its totality is sometimes hard for us mere humans. His Gift of Grace, Mercy, and Unfathomable Love is kind of beyond the comprehension of our minds.
So although I don't know that I'd done with seeking as to why I don't deserve justice, and he is allowed to just face no punishment - I must put some kind of rest within myself to this nightmare within myself. I must trust in God's justice. I have to keep moving forward. I have to have hope in my life, and in my future. I have things to do, and I have women (and men) to encourage, strengthen, and build up - because of my story - and my suffering-- someone, somewhere, can avoid or overcome what I have endured.
All of life is circular, everything including this earth revolves.
I'm so grateful for recovery, so grateful to be clear-minded despite the battles that I have at times. I wish some of the people in my life understood more and had a bit more patience with me, but they've not walked through the pits of hell like I have. The ones that do understand, I cherish and you know who you are. I praise God for you, and because of you-- I gain strength to go forward despite the anger, the rage, and the indifference I feel some days. Never ever doubt the loyalty, dedication, and strides a true friend makes towards you when you're at your weakest and at you're darkest days. It's God in a human suit. I'm certain of it. I'm so humbled.
Now, this right here - this song means so much to me, I love Mary J. Blige so much - and this right here? It's everything. I'm going to soar once I get through this all. Make no mistake, I'm not bound to this ground, no, God's got so much in store for me, see this is why I'm here. I've got great things to do yet, I know it in my soul. Great sorrow and great pain brings about great leadership, and I've found miraculous recoveries. My life is full of miracles, and He ain't done yet. I haven't come down this far -- and suffered this much to settle for nothing - God always has a purpose behind the pain. I have so much to give of wisdom, encouragement, uplifting, and promise of grand hope inside of me, and I'm not even halfway healed yet -- can you imagine when my life really gets set on solid ground what kind of force for goodness, truth, and inspiration to be reckoned with is in me? Yeah, me too.
I've been lead to the same scriptures in Mark, Matthew, and Luke - who having a lamp places it under a stand? (Paraphrase mine) I have randomly opened my bible four times in a row, so I am pressed to believe God's telling me something. I'm sure listening. I'm going to obey this time.
This song as I began to illude to above, says so much. I hope you enjoy it and I hope you listen. It goes out to all of you -- and I'm singing to myself.
"Doubt" is a song recorded by American singer Mary J. Blige from her twelfth studio album The London Sessions. It was written by Blige and English musician Sam Romans, while production was helmed by Romans and American record producer Rodney "Darkchild" Jerkins.
"You think you know me,
But you don't know the half,
You said I'd never be someone,
You think you beat me down,
But I'll have the last laugh,
I'll keep getting up going,
Cause that's what I was born to do,
I'm gonna be the best me,
I'm sorry if it kills you."
Thanks for hanging in with me, please share this -- for other women who've been assaulted and have had to accept the unacceptable. So they will know they're not alone. Justice doesn't always appear in ways we think it will. May those of us who receive it in different forms be able to accept healing as it comes and not reject it because of its packaging!! I have tried to control how I wanted it for months now, and it's nearly defeated me, and my healing is in the surrender.
That's how I'm getting through. Learn who you can talk to, and who's just not able to hear your pain. It's not that they don't care, sometimes they just don't know-how. God bless them.
NO MATTER WHAT, YOU MUST HEAL.
God's precious Grace and Glorious Favor to you all --
Be Blessed in your comings and goings, in all you do.
Amen.
love,
G.
