Recovering from Life

 I haven't been able to access this, and it's been rough. 

I need to write to release what's inside me like I need to breathe. 

I hope against hope someone can relate to that.  So often, I feel so odd, so peculiar, so full of the knowing inside of J.U.S T. how different I feel I am in reality from other people. I don't know if it's real, it's just how it "feels". I could be totally wrong, but you know how it is, you try and tell even you're deepest and darkest friend, and they can't hear you still -- the loaded auto-mantic "I Know" answer pops out- but inside, you still really aren't certain anyone but another sister (or those of us who didn't attach)  is certain who lives in our bodies, a hull, yet a live wire of whirling insane feelings - never tempered by a nurturing mommy who never held us, and the very thing we never experienced, security in her arms - thus we feel terror. Not secure, not ever calmed completely, not able to safely attach to anything or anyone, safety is illusive - and it must be checked, and rechecked for signs of distress constantly.  Nothing, absolutely nothing is ever completely safe, ever.  Not even sleep. 

If this resonates with you? You're the daughter of a narcissistic mother. A "motherless daughter".  And you can bet you have an Attachment disorder.  I've been told I have three. I know I have one, I'm Anxious-Avoidant. Yeah.  Just what I always wanted.  

It makes sense, and I promise the people close to me will attest. I'm not always a "bit oh honey" to deal with.  I have a darkness and it's sometimes really dark.  I cannot always help it, I wish I could, and I have worked on my malady for most of my adult life -- 27+ years of CBT - cognitive behavioral therapy - 2 years of EMDR - rapid eye movement desensitization reorganization, brain remapping therapy and it's amazing for PTSD. Oh man.  I'm praying for the day I meet a therapist and can begin again to complete these damned traumatic memories and put this shit to bed once and for all. I was almost finished, and I more than likely sabotaged myself - attachment got me - ego - something.  I've learned. suffering ceases to be suffering if we learn from it - Socrates.  My bend on it.

Despite the fact that I fight my insides every single day -- and somedays?  I fight myself a lot. This is the inside people don't know.  I'm looking like everything's perfect to you - but all is not well.  If folks only knew what it's like to live trying to fight yourself. Constantly. 

Conquering your fears is so important. I've been doing it since about age 3. 

I highly recommend it. The hard part are those lingering ones, you know those fears that we feel like at the time we took them out- done with that! Kicked that in the ass man, dude!  An, time passes, something arrises - something you go through with a friend, a. potential lover - and Shazam, there it is again - only bigger and more fierce.  Usually, it triggers the lovely and ever so heartfelt, terror. It may be but for a millisecond nowadays, but, I don't know if I truly believe it will ever completely banish, it's interwoven with the PTSD. It's not a matter of faith for me, it's something else, and not that I don't believe it cannot be healed either. Just complicated I suppose. When your insides are as complicated as some of us, it's hard to explain. 

 

 

Humans are really horrible at being present with each other. I do not have one friend who can just be there with me when I am experiencing something, it's always - a response of- change it, manipulate it, stop it, it's old - let it go... It's endless. I realize they often time just don't want me to feel sad or upset and I do not blame them, but when I look at what I get often times, it's impatience, intolerance, and sometimes I'm not even heard.   

How empty this feels. 

People are odd man. It is getting worse everyday.  Selfish, self-centered- and so often just cold.  Whether they mean to be or not - the outcome is the same.  And what is so disheartening is for folks like us, those unattached folks, who have to no emotional anchors, little trust of security - to attempt to figure out what's wrong with individuals we encounter every day.  

I guess relationships just don't mean anything anymore, friendships, their connections to another human beings.  See mine? They are everything. Now I have to process them a certain way, but I've put in my time, and I do my best, to address each and everyone with utmost care - and hopefully I'm functioning where I can, because as all of us with mental health problems know sometimes it's just not possible, and these are the times when we're a hellofa challenge. This is why I try so hard to help folks know and understand me.  There may be no peace in understanding, but we can illuminate one another any time we communicate with love and affection.  I don't care who you are. What is spoken from the heart with love and good intention will meet it's intended target, perhaps not immediately, but the seed will be sewn. 

I have had a year from pure hell. Who am I fooling, the last THREE. 

The birds outside sound like Jesus.

I realize I'm different, but that's what's wrong- or not wrong, but needs adjusting in our country - Diversity is beautiful!!! It's rich and it illuminates all of us, it's ability to open out minds to new ways of thinking, of introspection - new kinds of thought--- and discovering new ideas and expanding our understanding of life and living and it's endless!!! 

New Possibilities.... How can anyone not get completely and utterly on fire about that? Screw Fear! Fear is mostly manifested by our own minds! Yes, I said that! How on earth would I have ever gotten anywhere I have in my life - go ahead check my history, where I've worked, where I've lived, what I've overcame? If I never challenged a fear, fought through many, many an anxiety attack - completely in full on battle between my mind, my heart, my spirit and my soul. One thing, and one thing only would keep me moving forward. 

God. 

 

I will never understand closed minds, minds who are perfectly accepting of the information that's there and want no more.... NEVER. 

I'm far richer with the knowledge of mind, and wisdom of God than I'd ever feel with even the grandest of financial wealth.  Money will never feed your soul.  

  

Philippines 4: 5-7

"Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving. Let your requests be known to God, and let the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."  

Grow, change, evolve, transform, become who you were intended. We so often resist changing. It isn't the change that's so difficult people, it's the resistance to it.  Human beings were made to adapt, evolve, and overcome. If we were not, children would never grow up. I'm as guilty as the next person of experiencing fear, not knowing what's ahead (if we don't stay present) can be scary, but nothing thus far as killed you -- I doubt this change will either.  

It might just be the change that you've been dreaming about your whole life. One things for certain, 

Nothing ventured, is nothing gained-- and absolutely nothing beats a failure BUT a 

TRY!!

Grace and Mercy is fresh and new,

everyday. 

Go forth, with fierceness, and gusto. The first step is the only one you'll have to do with you're eyes closed... just jump.  

Blessings,

Gina

Learning Silence

 Truth

Pain teaches us.  Pain makes us transform. But pain is never something we experience gleefully.  I certainly don't.  Not deep emotional, gut wrenching pain, the pain of cruelty, rejection, or loss and grief.  I've endured them all to what feels like tenfold.  

I grew up in chaos, afraid 98% of the time, because my Mother was a narcissist, unstable, extremely unhappy, mean, and sometimes just plain viscous.  She seemed to take pleasure in turning people against one another. 

 I hid in my brother's closet throughout my childhood - it was my safe haven.  The rest of the time when my little mind didn't just blackout what I couldn't process, I was in that closet, loving the blackness - playing make-believe.  I was so much better than my other reality of trying to cope with the insanity of trying to be the absolute best little girl in the whole wide world - oh, but I had to be better if you will --- perfect even.  I had to clean perfect, to be silent perfect, walk with the books on my head for modeling perfect, my hair had to do perfect, I had to not need nor want her - perfect, not get hurt perfect, or get in her way perfect... 

Way to much for any little girl, and you know what?  I still have that horrible anxiety inside myself -- that I am the problem, and I will always be - and have to be as perfect as I can.  

Anxiety and fear are what's produced with these two aspects in conjunction. 

Terror for such a little mind. 

Absolute terror.  

I'm always too much. Always just a bit too edgy, always saying more than I need, and getting on people's last nerve. That's my feelings inside. Well, on a not so good day. 

I've endured some kind of separation from other folks - all my life. You see, not bonding with your Mother - leaves a huge gaping hole in your heart.  A hole that never seems to come close to being fulfilled.  There's always that deep inner sense of not belonging, anywhere.  Not to this life even, or being able to be loved, needed, wanted, nor accepted because you're defective.  

So guess what happens? Oh I'll bet you can imagine. 

Those of us who had these kinds of Motherless experiences, we all know.  

We draw unto ourselves, and even after years and years of therapy --  I still find myself choosing exact replica's of what produced my primary wounds.  I choose more rejection, more cruelty, more non-acceptance, more expectations that no once could fulfill.  More emotionally unavailable people who have no problem telling us "you're the problem" and you will always end up alone.  I can't seem to stop choosing partners and often friends, out of my primary wound. 

Thank God, this is getting better, the further away I get from addiction.

My entire life sometimes seems like a never-ending trickle, tsunami, trickle, flood, and so on, of pain.  I'm tired. 

I'm tired and I'm fighting (so to speak) the battle for my life with this damned addiction.  It haunts me daily.... whispering in my soul, "Ah... Gina just once more...."  It's so insidious, so nasty, and so relentless.  I have never in my life came up against something so powerful as to make me want to lie to myself, other people I love, and that love me.  It's PURE INSANITY.

 

 Thus the voice of Addiction at it's most powerful. "Oh, but let me help you not feel." 

Seriously. From a wee age of 14 this was my quest in life.  

And people want to judge something they don't, and cannot understand. They want to blame because they cannot comprehend the power, the force in which these chemicals have on our lives, those of us who've been bedeviled with it.

I sat here last night, and craved it's company, as I hurt on multiple levels, emotionally, spiritually, and physically - knowing I made bad choices earlier in the day.  Addiction does not just affect one single area of the addicts life, no -- the compulsions and impulsive behaviors are a whole life's challenge that we deal with, daily.  Dealing with the whole psyche is an ordeal in itself as one try's to make some sort of peace with their life.

Those of us who did not attach as children have a life long challenge, despite the millions of times we're taught, "you just gotta let that shit go, man!" How do you let go of a hole in your soul? Yeah, think what you're life would be like if you're mother was present, you could see her, you wanted her affection, care and love she was giving your other siblings - but you couldn't access it, ever. If you tried, you were immediately rejected.  Hard. Day after day, year after year.  

It eats at your soul. If you ever have the soundness of mind, courage of spirit to let something of that magnitude resonate near you. I have because I have fought for my belonging here on this earth- but I might be one of the exceptions. I can't say it hasn't cost me. 

I am still alone. 

I am however, no longer dangerously lonely. 

I write to let someone, even one person know that you can survive. Addiction, depression, anxiety, and wanting to die. PTSD, is the hardest, I'm really having a hellofa time right now with mine.  People don't always understand, but I write for those of us who DO. 

"No temptation has overtaken you except such as in common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it. "

1 Corinthians 10:13

That is a PROMISE!! 

Always, no matter what, keep on going. No one can but you, if you have to sleep two days to conquer one, so be it. 

This too shall pass. 

Nothing, absolutely Nothing, happens in God's World by mistake.

Be Blessed!!!

Gina 

For Fun!!

Werk! We Got Yo Hope!

My Girl!