Hitting bottom is different for all of us. Some, like myself -- we're so hard-headed - we seem to just not get enough - and we do it on and off throughout life. No, I'm not trying to beat myself mercilessly - I'm just being honest. I am a creature that has to learn the hard way --- I'm not proud of it, I certainly wish it were not the case - and I'm ready to lay down the part of me that seems to push that envelope of self-will run riot. It's peculiar because there are so many areas in my life where I know and love the art of surrender- and I have accepted that in this lifetime - powerlessness is something that we all must come to terms with. I suppose it is the "kind" of powerlessness I truly struggle with.
I am a "robust" woman. I know those of you who are reading this that know me, you're laughing-- and thinking, AH, YEAH! I thought of a name for those of us that think way too much, feel too much (whatever that is)- are too passionate, too talkative, overly sensitive, and just downright "a bit more" kind of folks -- I think the word, "zesties" is kind of cool. I am certainly not offended by it, hell, I know I am a handful at times. I have a time with my dang self. However, I love my disposition, I love my spirit, my drive, and my inner strength. I wouldn't change me, for anything -- well, perhaps my difficulty in dealing with those damn painful feelings - and how hard I fall when I lose people.
People leave. I was never really taught that. It kind of bewildered me and I'm still working on this. I struggle with an attachment disorder (more one actually) from not bonding with my mother. I have what is called "anxious-avoidant" attachment disorder. I have problems with relationships and friendships. I was not able to learn how properly because my essential one with my mother was so traumatic. I experienced an emotionally neglectful, and nurture starved childhood. We learn how to have relationships through a healthy bond, where we feel safe and secure in the relationship with our mothers. This was not only nonexistent in my experience, but it was also abusive. I grew up afraid, sometimes terrified with deep feelings of shame because all children know when they're rejected like I was is that it has to be because something is wrong with them. I was bad, not mommy.
It took years to get her voice out of my head, and still years longer to get the demon that was created worse still I had speaking horrible criticism and shame to myself. I was ten times harder on myself than my mom ever was. I had had almost 20 years of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and I was a trained counselor myself before I had the courage to confront my mother about the comments she would make about my weight, my clothes, and everything else. It's insane how much power one person can have when we don't understand what fear is, what it does to us, how it works on us, and in us.
It was damn near impossible with my family history of Chemical Dependency - generations, at least three, if not four -- and my complete lack of a sense of self -- what I mean by this is --- I was a HULL of a person. Oh, I was there - but no one but the critic was home. All that existed in me was what I "thought" I should be, what I "sensed" other people expected, and what my fear propelled me to do. I literally lived in a perpetual state of one frightened reaction after another. I had no idea what I wanted, who I was, or anything of what might pertain to having a sense of self, or a soul.
Now, you may ask, how could this be? Living in a constant state of fear, rejection, and just more anticipation of those things - is living in a war zone. There is NO SAFETY to become who you are. It's just impossible. So, I hid. I ran. I've avoided. Throughout my life rather than deal with all of this pain, I'VE NUMBED MYSELF. Why on earth wouldn't I? Who in the world would want to have to face that kind of betrayal, shame, or absolute unimaginable pain?
Yet, I've done the best I could, and here I sit. Twenty-six years of therapy later - and I've hit bottom again. I don't really judge myself - to what end? I have enough other people who do that for me. There are some scars that are so deep it takes a lifetime to heal, and some never heal completely. The best anyone can do is know that the scars are badges of honor and places God has filled the deep crevasses with pure gold.
I am not the sum total of my history, despite that suffering sometimes hits again and lessons have, have to be relearned. Pema Chodron also says, "The pain will leave you when the lesson is learned." I'm almost positive that's the quote - and I wholeheartedly believe this. I have looked fear in the face, but I've also gone to far with it- and pushed the envelope and dared it - an this is never good. I have been defiant, leaned on my understanding - and pushed God away - especially during times of great pain. Somehow when I'm hurting the most - something clicks in me, and I no longer trust Jesus. It's not a conscious decision, it's as if the level of emotional pain just shuts me down to everything and every source of light I allow in - I begin to go straight to intellect, and damn these feelings. My brain knows exactly how to fix this -- CHEMICALS R US. It's been this way since I was eleven years old. I do know now living in a constant state of chaos and terror has produced my PTSD. I know now - what triggers it.
Alas, this last juncture - I made the worst decisions I've ever made. Here I sit, in silence, in complete defeat. Oh, I have tons of reasons, and plenty of sorrows. I've spend too much time on that already. I've lost about three years of my life, it's passed by - if not longer - isolated, around few people and the people who I did see (with exceptions of course) just mostly abused and battered me because I didn't protect myself. I walked into a world I knew nothing about, and it ate me alive. In the quest for numbness and euphoria, I traded my dignity, my belongings, my values, my friends, and my family. Most of all I hurt myself.
Isn't that just paradoxical? In the endeavor to not feel pain, I made more excruciating pain -- and created loss like never before.
RECOVERY
I'm not going back. I'm stopping looking backwards. I don't live there anymore. I am going to speak new truths, new word, new life into my new existence NOW!!
I have used up my rights to a chemically free peace of mind. I choose to live/abide/dwell/proclaim the perfect peace of Christ Jesus. I am HIS!
I have what He says I have, I abide in Him, not in my circumstances, and I am loved beyond my wildest dreams, my life has just begun.
In Jesus Name, Amen.
All Gods Grace and Favor to you!! One moment at a time, just begin right where you are, He's already there!!
G.
