Sunday, December 30, 2012

Betrayal, expectation, and acceptance

How true that statement is.  How I struggle inwardly, attempting to accept the fact that people will betray.  No matter how much you love them, they will hurt you.  People say that one shouldn't let such things bother ~ but I think it is only because it did not happen to them.  

I am the kind of person, that when I love someone, it means something.  It means that I hold these people in high esteem.  I will try with everything in me, not to disappoint, hurt, damage, nor be incongruent in my behavior.  Those are the expectations I have of myself.  The lesson that I've been fighting most of my life is that, those are my expectations.  It does not mean that others are the same as I.  People throw the words "I love you," around  without giving it much thought.  Without giving much thought to the commitment that it actually means to love someone.  To me, it is much more - something much deeper, than just a feeling.  I suppose, this is my mistake?  I say this because life seems to show me, and has shown me, when it comes to friendship - people usually end up falling very short of what friendship is supposed to be.  

I've pondered at long intervals, am I wrong?  It causes me to question myself.  Some of the things that have happened in my life, I know intrinsically have been out of the realm of friendship.  Others, I have some relationships that I thought I knew who the person was, and found out differently.  One thing is for certain, I've remained the same.  I suppose this is another one of my difficulties as well,  I expect others to do the same - and most of the time, they just don't.  

I usually end up either having to accept situations or move on.  My query is: when does this end?  Alas, I guess it doesn't.  I wonder too - am I just an odd person to have the kind of need for qualities that I have?  Are my morals and standards so rare?  How many people do I have to loose because I want truth, honesty, and congruence?

There are lots of written works, and I have studies materials on acceptance.  I fully understand it's concepts.  Yet, this isn't a analytical matter.  It isn't as if I can just flip a switch and turn off the commitment that I made for these individuals.  I don't loose people easily.  It is a painful process.  I find it difficult to eradicate a person from my psyche...  

Walking wounded.  I believe this is what we are.  Our souls have holes.  We live numb.  We have to.  How else would we continue without taking the time, the proper time, to grieve everything that NEEDS to be grieved.  Just ask someone for advice.  See how quickly they tell you - to "just let it go!" I'm sorry, we live, we breathe, we feel.  This makes us human.  Not dealing with things does not mean they are not there.  Telling yourself that you're going to accept something - and swallowing hard -- doesn't make it go away.  It becomes a part of your feeling history.  It accumulates.  

I say, and I believe it to be a truth: Deal with grief, or grief will deal with you.  I've been through two major bouts of it, and it's been a life changing ordeal.  Not to count the heartbreaks - the loss of friends and major life changes.  It moulds us into who we are.  It's kind of like, if we don't bend with it, we will break.  I've been at breaking points.  Grief is a guttural language.  It cannot be resolved from the mind.  We must surrender to our feelings.  Thus, is real acceptance.  Not this Pollyanna version that most people think.  It takes attention, and vulnerability.  It takes courage.  All the strength you can muster, and it ain't over, till it's over.  

I don't like having to loose people.  I don't like pain.  I live in pain and having heartaches makes it hard for me to go on.  I do however, pay it homage.  I recognize that life is a series of hurts and healing.  I know when I ask, God will help me heal.  I understand that my honor of friendship is not always the same as my fellow man.  I will not let it demean my standards nor default my commitment to it.  I am a deep dweller - I don't take things lightly.  I have to take the time to allow myself to process emotions and circumstances.  It isn't as easy as skipping a step.  It isn't like "oops, lost another one!"

People will treat you how the feel about themselves.  It will rear it's ugly head.  The truth will come to light, whether or not you like it.  Acceptance is probably the answer - but it takes work.  It takes heart work.  I have expectations. I don't know how to get rid of them.  I have them of myself, and I dare say, I have them of others.  There comes a point - and I believe it's true of most people, we cannot just allow people to just do anything to us - we have to have some expectations.   I suppose it is a fine line, each individual has to draw.  

Faith is a beautiful thing.  It works in all situations.  My creator is there always.  I am learning, as I go to trust.  My Pastor says it's a process - just like anything else.  Faith holds me up when man lets me down.  Faith allows me to still believe there's good in the world when someone that I thought loved me, shows me their truth card.  It doesn't have to crush me.  I can still believe in truth and commitment.  I can still want the kinds of quality people in my life - and put forth the energy to draw them to me.  I forge on, a walking wounded -- and will grieve as time allows.  My prayer is that I don't take out my pain on others while I'm mending.  As this door closes, this chapter of my life draws to a close - new doors will be opened.  I will trust that my needs will be met.  As ugly as it sounds, I believe it true - God has a way of weeding out difficult people.  I can accept this.  He always knows what's best.  I love that about God.  That safety.  That surety.  It's humble, and warm.  Despite everything that happens in my life, I am always amazed by God.  Acknowledging His will.  That I can accept.     

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