I started rereading Marianne Williamson's book, "The Gift of Change," and it is totally preening my thought process. I so can feel this woman. Her words are so earthily true. She is a soul speaker. A heart writer like I've ever known. Her answers are rich and deliciously palatable. Her voice so warm and clear - yet profound like any I've ever read. Her answers to our fear problems so universal.
"Crossing the bridge to a better world begins with crossing a bridge inside our minds, from the addictive mental patterns of fear and separation, to enlightened perceptions of unity and love. We're in the habit of thinking fearfully, and it takes spiritual discipline to turn that around in a world where love is more suspect than fear.
To achieve a miraculous experience of life, we must embrace a more spiritual perspective. Otherwise, we will die one day without ever having know the joy of living. That joy emerges from the experiences of our true being---when we detach from other people's projections onto us, when we allow ourselves permission to dream our greatest dreams, when we're willing to forgive ourselves and others, when we're willing to remember that we were born with one purpose: to love and be loved."
I've been digging into my life. I've been searching for answers. I've been experiencing fear. I have not known what the fear is. It bristles up it's murky head - and all I want to do is run. Not much unlike the stork - I'd really rather hide my head in the sand - and just not deal. However, I know if I don't I'm not going to find true meaning in my life.
I once had it - but this is now. I cannot relive my life over. I must go forward and face these feelings -- and that is all that they are, feelings. I'm not sure which comes first - the thought or the feeling -- but both stir up pain. Pain from mistakes. I've got to let it go. This process, on this level - is eluding me. I cannot seem to get to the core of what it really is. What is the deepest part of it. Where the true healing must come from so that I may find freedom from it. Or perhaps it is because I am trying to do it without God? If I am, I am not fully aware.
I have a strong spirit and there are many times I try and take this stuff on alone. I don't mean to, but I do it. And there are times, when one cannot do this stuff, alone. This is one of those times. It is a great rift in my spirit, a tear in the fabric of my being. I went against my own belief system -- and I am not certain how I get past this. Some would say, "Ah, everybody does it at some point in their lives." This person does not understand me. I am my beliefs. It is who Gina is. The foundation of my soul. If I am not a person of integrity - I don't know who I am. I dishonored myself. It was not the worse thing that anyone has ever done - in an addictive state -- mind you, but dishonorable yet and still. I guess some people can get past things easier than I can. It all boils down to forgiveness. Forgiveness and the fear of failure again - if I don't embrace this truth. I know it is also about loving myself - and on this level, therein lies the challenge.
My Father raised me to do the right thing. Always do the right thing. I was never much of a rule breaker. I'm still not. I play life pretty safe that way. Stay within the confounds of right and wrong and life will be okay. Don't talk about people behind their backs, be a good friend, and don't break your promises. If you tell someone you'll do something, do it or die. Your word has to mean something - if a man's word doesn't mean anything - neither does he. Tell the truth. Basic things to me. These things are the make up of who I am. Seems pretty simple, but it's not always. Especially when you become an addict. Try and hold these things true when your stealing, and lying an living a complete double life. Then try and live with yourself. See the dilemma ?
Try counseling people high. People that think your sober. People that think you've been sober for 12 years. This is what I'm trying to get past. I worked in the addictions field, high. There are no excuses, there are no need to make any - it is merely the truth. I got to where I got to - because I made choices. I knew how to stay sober -- I told people how to do it everyday - but somehow on the way - I decided not to. I was "different." I didn't need meetings. I didn't need a support system.
At any rate - this is what I'm trying to digest. How I got to such a place. How I can forgive myself. How I can get to this place to let the fear subside. How to rebuild my life and not make the same mistake again. I know that I have to heal this wound. I have to fully embrace it. It still makes me anxious. It makes me not want to try. It makes me not want to finish anything nor take on serious tasks. Not to commit to anything real. It seems it keeps me from feeling real.
But, I am real. I have to find a way to overcome this mistake. This perceived failure. The loss of my career. I've called it several things. Now it's time to deal with it for what it is - a life fact that I have to move on from. I don't think, thinking is going to solve this one.... it's a hearts journey. A hearts journey in which I'm going to have to ask for help. I need insight into my inability to forgive myself, for it's been years since this took place. I've wallowed in it long enough, it's controlled me as long as I'll let it. I am an overcomer in this lifetime. I've overcome more than most ever go through - put back the pieces of my life several times, and it's time once again. Once I make the decision, and I am making the decision - the universe will back me up. God will help me heal. I broke my own heart, now it's up to me to heal it. If I am to go onward an become who God would have me be - with a clear heart - I must come with an open one. If my experience is to benefit others, I must do this work.
The crossing over begins with the commitment to myself. To heal these broken places. To become who God would have me be, not who I was, but who I am now - mended, awakened and whole.