Thursday, December 20, 2012

On the Verge of Forgiveness

Hope is trying to peak it's head out.  There are just emotions that need to be healed.  My addiction loves these kinds of times- when I am hurting and uncertain.  When I struggle for answers and I'm not resting in the love of God.  I hear the tapes in my head that me I'm a failure -- instead of I've had failures.... Thank my Lord I know the difference.  If I don't watch, I'll end up curled up into a ball, crying my eyes out - feeling very small and insignificant.  My addiction feeds off of this too.  The smaller it can make me feel, the greater it becomes, and the less I feel in touch with God, the less likely I am to be able to overcome it.  Having to take medication - this is very difficult.  I have a pit in my stomach.

Yesterday was a day of multiple feelings.  I was very anxious.  I went to see my Pastor crying all the way there and most of the time when I was there (sometimes on the inside).  I'm so sick of this battle.  I even told him it feels like there is a spiritual tug of war going on inside of me.  I'm grieving - and the process isn't going so well.  I've eased God out (E.G.O.) and am trying to do this alone.  I know that this is an impossibility - rationally, but tell that to my ego.  I am so stubborn at times.  It can feel as if I'm going insane if I over analyze it.  I've had the beauty of God's glorious peace - and I want it back.  Yet, I am not surrendering.  The hardest thing is I don't know why.  I don't like disharmony - so it's not like I want this internal drama.  It is just with me.  It mostly feels like "more will be revealed" - and thus - I tarry on.  I have not felt well physically and this does not help.

I am in a state of unforgiveness toward self.    If that is even a word.  I know that God has forgiven me. I know it is self-righteous, I know that it's self-centered - all of those things.  Egoic, and plain (I guess) stubborn.  Yet, I don't feel like, this time - I know how.  It's like I've forgotten the process - and if I don't get it right - I'll repeat the same mistakes.  That is the greatest fear.  Oh, how I'm coming to hate fear.  This is almost immobilizing me.  It's almost got me shut down.  There isn't enough depression medication out there to fix this, nor mend my heart.
I found this today.  I believe in Grace.  It is my faith.  I love it with all my heart.

I know it happened  little by little, and I just stopped taking care of myself.  I stopped paying attention to what I needed.  I gave everything that I had to everyone else.  I did not listen to my intuition - I shoved down my needs.  I started running on empty.  I suppose with any engine, if not properly maintained - it blew.  I fed it "feel better stuff" - to keep maintaining what I was doing.  It was when my physical pain started and I was in a bad relationship to top things off.

Please forgive me as I process through this.  Writing helps me.  I cry in between paragraphs- sentences. 
I've made mistakes.  I hurt myself.  I don't think I hurt anyone but myself.  I did eventually end up loosing my career - I was in so much denial.... all addicts get like this.  I feel asleep on one of my clients towards the end, and they let me go.  How shaming.  I had only myself to blame, and blame myself have I. I had to look at the records I was keeping and straighten them out before I left - and I saw first hand what a mess of things I was making.  I was a wreck, and so was my work.  

I did not do this on purpose.  I'm an addict - and I merely did what addicts do when they don't take proper care of themselves.  I think I thought helping other addicts would keep me sober - and I found out differently.  I thought that because someone loved me to death, that I had to stay with them.  I was choking to death in many area's of my life.  I did not love this person, and had not in a long time - if ever - but the abuse kept me there.  The threats of suicide if I left - the anger and rage.  The silence - all of the verbal and emotional abuse.  I'd have to go to work and pretend that everything in my life was fine and my recovery was top notch.  I was living a lie before I ever picked up a pill.  The pills just helped sooth a wounded soul.  I did not know how to stay where I was, an I'd never been in an abusive relationship - I didn't  know how to leave.  I suppose trying to stay healthy wasn't an option.  I became very depressed.  Then I quit my job and we moved to another state -- an I didn't even want to - I was then secluded.  I had no voice, and no choices.  So, I did the one thing that I did have control over -- I used.  If I couldn't leave, then I'd stay high.

I praise God that this is becoming clearer.  As the details come back, I can process it, and feel what I did not feel then - and learn from it.  These are the ruins of my life.  If I am to feel now, I must learn how to heal.  This is an arduous process.  I'm still glad I'm here at it's feet.  It's taken me ten years to deal with it.  If not longer.  I've been so full of shame over it.  It made me feel less than human - shame has a way of doing just that.  Subhuman, like some sort of a monster.  To have done the things that I did - and mind you I did not harm a client - other than I was not able to listen like I should have.  I harmed myself more than anyone.  But aren't we the ones that have the hardest time letting ourselves off the hook?  I know I am.  

I can feel the pain of this lessening.  Day after day - as I walk through the memories and the feelings.  The more I think and realize the Lord inside me.  All of my life experiences will be used for a greater purpose - I do believe this.  I will be called upon to either empathize with someone who's done far worse things, or who's shame is of same magnitude as  my own - and I'll know their cry.  I'll know the depths of their anguish.  Their self-condemnation.  When I've fully forgiven myself - I'll know how to gently help them with their own forgiveness.  Therein is the hope.  

I am a believer of pain shared, pain lessened - even if you don't know with whom your sharing with.  As I write, it relieves my burden.  Somewhere, someday, someone will be searching to know that inside themselves they aren't alone with the thoughts that I write about.  They aren't the only ones who's mind tells them they are a failure.  That there is hope, a process, and a reason for their pain.  Our minds lie to us.  Mine lies to me.  It tells me things that have been told to me that are untruths.  It takes great courage to combat this.  It is inside of you.  There is a God, and He is just waiting to enter into your heart - He is loving, and gentle and kind.  Not like you've been afraid of but full of mercy and grace.  He gave you life so that you might live it more abundantly.  If you seek answers, check here: Paulwhiteministries.org for more information about a loving God - that isn't mad at you, and never has been.  Jesus has transformed my life - not religion.  

Forgiveness is a gift.  It has to be a gift I give to myself.  I know I am in process.  I can feel it.  The load is getting lighter. I also know that Jesus can take this weight, when ever I let Him have it.  It is my fears that I'm combatting.  My humaness that is preventing me from the freedom that awaits. I'm just the kind of person that needs understanding in order to not make the same mistake over again.  I do things the hard way.  I also know that once I am past this my joy will be full.  This has been a huge stumbling block for me.  I don't give the devil much credit - but he knew this would be hard on me.  He may not know it yet, but he is defeated.  I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus.  I might get down, and struggle, but I will rise up a champion.  How could I not?  It isn't just me in this life deal.  My spirit has been shaken, but my foundation is strong.  I know who holds my future.  

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