The ego battle is (excuse me) a bitch. It fights me for control, seems like daily. Why it wants to tell me I'm worthless - I don't know if I'll ever know. The only thing that I've ever concluded is, that it wants me to give it something to numb me. I dislike pain. We all do. I can handle physical pain, but I very much dislike emotional pain. Especially the variety of which I've been experiencing as of late - the kind that seems to have no clear answers. It asks me questions I cannot answer. Questions no one could.
Why I search myself is what I'd like to know. Is this NORMAL? What is normal?
Someone dear to me said something about redefining life at 50. Perhaps this is what I'm going through. Sort of like a midlife crisis? It makes sense, and with my having to start over again, it really made sense. I think I'm not sure how to see myself - in life and in the world. It makes for an uncomfortable dwelling - all the way around. It produces fear. We all need to feel like we have a place. I have not had one, and now I'm afraid to. This does not mean I don't know who I am - for I do - I just don't know where I fit. It affects the voices (all mine, by the way) in my head. That same friend - said something too, that has resonated so deeply with me, "we forget who we are because of our pain." I've had plenty of it, and I think I have forgotten who I am. I think this process I'm going through is the transformation of remembering. It's painful - and odd. How could it not be?
I have days where all I want to do is run back to my apartment. I guess it's like a child running back to Mommy. The comfort zone. The nothingness. Where I don't have to think - but I do more thinking that a body has a right - or a mind really. I drive myself crazy. I'm pretty much figuring out it's simply fear.
I've told others that fear is just an emotion. Now I'm telling myself. It's bizarre when you feel it, and don't recognize it as such. For me, it can become camouflaged as something else merely because I don't do fear well. Most of the time it makes me angry. I found out yesterday - I've been lashing out, and I've been very intense. I don't doubt I've been odd - I've felt completely out of sorts - and on this level, it's got to come out somewhere. I feel badly, and of course I apologized for my behavior.
Now to come out of this place. It seems that I have to make a commitment - and this sort of freaks me out. I don't think I can take more loss. I know that is what is at the bottom of this. I'm afraid I'll loose something else, and I just don't think I can take loosing one more thing in life. I think the real deal here is commitment to myself. To invest in Gina again. There is fear there too. Deep, unresolved fears. I don't even know for certain how to get to this core. The issues start flying out of my head - the stuff with my failures of the past. The "what if's"... but I cannot dwell there. It's massive and designed to keep me from moving forward. If feels like all the years of pain and defeat rolled into who I am - and I know it is not true. It is my depression. I'm tired of it's vastness - sucking me in like a vapor. I am not some puff of smoke that can be so easily manipulated. I have strength and substance. I have vision!
I've been subsuming to this pain and I'm tired of it. I am bigger than this, this mental mirage. For one thing, all I have to do is what is in front of me. I've been living in the future or the past. Today is the gift. I have to just receive it as it comes, and trust God. So I've failed in the past? It did not kill me. It made me stronger, wiser, and more compassionate. When I stay in today - anything is possible.
I just have to rethink this life deal. Find my place in it. I'm searching, this is true. I suppose we all do it. I just don't have to drive myself insane in it's pursuit. I've been depressed. This causes discord. I don't like disharmony. I just want to find my place in the world and help someone if I can. I'm really pretty simple - with exception to times like these. I suppose we all have redefining moments. I do know that I'm where I'm supposed to be and I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I just have to hang on and process through. I finally was able to finish a whole prayer last night. Prayer changes things. I know this. I haven't been able to pray. When I'm off spiritually - I'm off literally.
My friend - my sweet, sweet friend. She tells me how wonderful I am. I thank God for her. She knows me so well. It is as if God speaks to me, through her. This has been such a gift as of late. Our conversations are so lovely. I know we have reconnected so she can speak to my soul. She does, speak to my soul. There is no one else that can talk to me like she does. It is almost like she has a direct link with God. It is so wonderful when you hear someone describe you, and it's all the things that you aspire to be - and someone actually sees you that way. It is beyond words at times. She does not know how desperately I've needed to receive the blessings she is bestowing. I have no doubt this is the handiwork of my Lord.
He is always with me, even though I don't have enough sense to know it. I struggle, and forget He is there. This is when He has to get loud and show up in others for I'm to stubborn to see Him in myself. I'm too fearful to feel his presence. He sends me angels to prove to me He is what He says He is, He'll do what He's promised. I am humbled, and aware. I can quiet my ego. I can stop scrambling for answers again, an trust. Oh how I have difficulty with trust. Thank goodness, He knows. Thank goodness He doesn't judge me, He just finds another way to show me. God amazes me like that. The little "winks," that let me know, He's got my back. He's got my back, even when I go out on a limb and fight for control. Even when I loose sight of Him. He knows me so well. He speaks to my soul in whatever voice I need - and He even loves my ego. That's huge. Thank you Jesus ----