Friday, January 25, 2013


I'm heading into a direction in my life that I never thought I'd venture into again.  It's a miracle, actually.  After everything that I've been through, the course that my life is taking, is nothing short of a personal miracle. 

They happen, miracles.  If we but look.  Sometimes small, sometimes large - but they are out there.  I think a person has to be open to them, and ready to receive.  I think it takes an open heart.  An expectant heart.  Not the kind of "expectations", where we are demanding of God - not like this - but more in a humble manner.  One filled with give and take.  One who's life is like that of the tree - who bends and arks with the winds of life.  The subtle changes of it's vibrancy.  

I've been through a great deal of changes.  Even crisis's one would say.  Personal hell.  More than once, I've had to start from bottom up.  I still say, if we have noting to loose, we have everything to gain.  This is where the real lessons come from.  When the rubber meets the road of life.  I've spent my time in the fetal position, grieving with God.  Asking my savior to extinguish my pain - but He did not - not until I was done.  The wounds must heal.  Oh, I've tried every band-aide.  But, none of them work - except the healing work.  The gut level, "oh my God, I'm going to die if I have to feel this another second," kind of pain.  The pure unadulterated, unable to breathe, pain.  The only way out.  You can't buy it, sleep with it, eat your way out of it, nor win enough money to forget it, sleep through it, it will still be there waiting on you.  Waiting on you in your new clothes, with your new boyfriend, your winnings, and with your gained weight.  It does not sleep.  Pain waits lifetimes.  You might as well just deal with it and get it over.  There is freedom on the other side.  Beautiful freedom.  This is where the faith comes in.  The faith that once you start this journey - that it will, in fact --- end.  That it is worth it's price.  

Freedom has it's privileges.  It's called peace.  I think few people have peace of mind.  Little alone, do people have peace in their hearts.  This is the true keeper of peace - the soul.  I believe our minds process the matters of the heart.  We've given our minds a gargantuan job.  What if we were to let our hearts speak our minds?  What if we lived from our hearts?  It would be an interestingly different world.  Because we guard our hearts with our minds.  We guard our hearts at all cost.  We become offended at the simplest of matters.  We personalize everything - because we're so wounded.  My question is, who's fault is this?  Who is responsible that we're so wounded?  If personal pain is our personal responsibility - why do we throw it upon the universe?  Why do we have the tendency to blame everyone and every thing outside ourselves for what is wrong with the insides of us?  

I think it is because we have no faith.  We have no place in which we feel we can turn.  We have lost hope.  The world had rather focus upon negative things, murder and mayhem than things of beauty and wonder.  We'd rather take the easy way-out than take responsibility for ourselves.  No one wants to do the work it takes to forge towards wholeness.  Many people don't even think it possible.  Yet look at the vastness of the world we live in.  The riches we partake in each and everyday.  We can be such an ungrateful lot. 

I am living proof that pain will not kill you.  Not physical pain, not emotional pain.  It has a beginning and an end.  Is it a journey?  Yes.  Will people, circumstances, angels even - present themselves along the way?  A resounding "yes!"  We do not have to be walking wounded.  We can heal.  Faith is a real thing.  We all have it, we just sometimes don't know that we do.  We have faith that our cars will start - we have faith that the sun will rise - we look for the rainbow after the storm.  These things we take for granted.  These are the substances of the elements of faith.  Why would it be so hard for us to believe that there is a creator that has our best interest (and more if you know my blog) at heart?  Something much greater than we are that will guide us towards healing and wholeness.  Just think about it -- what keeps the candle flame lit when there's air everywhere?  How is it that our cells just know to completely recycle everyday?  All of these things are miracles.  If we but LOOK.  

I'm on a path back to my career after everything I've been through.  God has made a way when there was none.  All of this has transpired out of my helping someone.  Now someone is going to help me.  It has been 12 years since I've been able to work in my field.  I took care of my Father for eight of those years, went back to college two of them, went through numerous surgeries, and did a lot of healing.  Grief is mixed all in there.  Body grief, mind grief and soul grief.  The cathartic period was when my Father passed.  It was the pivotal  point.  I thought it would break me.  It is true what they say, 'that which does not kill you, makes you stronger.'  I'm superwoman.  I have faith and I'm free.  

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