Fear is more than just an emotion. As I have been observing in life, it blocks our thought life - and perception. It can, and does change everything once we become aware of it. At it's inception, it alters our lives. From how we view and interact with people, to how we perceive life. It feeds upon itself, and it protects itself. We lose a lot of valuable energy, because of fear.
I'm discovering that I have much more trepidation in life that I'd once thought. I've become enlighten by a book that I'm now reading - and I'm trying to live with my heart open. To experience life from the entire process without getting sucked into the fear vacuum.
It's very odd, this "fight or flight" response that we all have, that we don't actually need any longer - but our bodies still regularly use it. It becomes habitual. It's as if our systems thinks we're animals, that need to flee. So we freak out on potholes, broken nails, or people that drive too slow. We are a sad lot. We protect ourselves from things we aren't even aware of. Or at least that is what I've found upon enlightenment of it. It is this inner core, that stays hammered down, at all times. It's the 'safety-valve' of life. I know it alters the way I experience life. It protects me, but it also keeps me from experiencing joy as well.
My quest is to find out how to open back up. Now that I've discovered that I'm a closed system - how does one begin to unharness this safety device?
I want to experience life the way it is supposed to be experienced. Not from a fear state. It seems total eradication of it isn't possible, so it is going to have to be a process. It is the heart center, the seat of awareness. It seems that things make me loose focus. It's like there's a big picture, but because of fear, the forest becomes the little tree. All I've been seeing as of late, are little trees - and I'm not proud of this. I ponder too, what it is I really think the enemy is? What it is that is going to harm me? Are they childhood demons, or modern day dilemmas? Yet and still, none of which can really harm me to the extent that I have to wear the fear harness - but yet intellect does not illuminate nor eliminate. It's not a brain matter... It is at the seat of consciousness. It is the spirit of the psyche. Do I ever wish good old Freud was around, or Jung, and pick their brains. However, this isn't a brain deal. It's a heart thing.
2 Corinthians 5:7 We walk by faith, not by sight.
I think this is the hardest part. Faith. I have it, but obviously, I need more. Heart surgery. I suppose this is what I'll be doing - on some level. I'm on this path to living life more open - open to the universe. Open to people, and open to experience. I want the energy. I want to live life like it is to be lived. I want to give of myself to the things that serve me, so I can be of service. I desire to experience it to the fullest - without being a 'closed system.' I want to experience the whole movie and not just the popcorn - and I know it is going to take hard work. To breathe, and allow that self-serving fear to be released. To have experiences where I don't feel like the world is going to end if I cannot control the outcome of events. The fact of the matter is we cannot control anything. This is life, and it is full of change. Somewhere, somehow, someone gave us the idea we could - and it has so messed up our psyche that we life in fear that things have to stay the same. Our earth is rotating for goodness sake, how can we control anything, it's amazing that gravity works. How we get the insane idea that we're in control, I'll never know. Our bodies recycle themselves every 24 hours. The only thing that stays the same, IS change.
I look to my creator. All of my hope is in Him. It always is. AS much as I've been through in my life, He is the only solution. His word, and prayer are the tools of my life. I don't do religion - I do relationship. I've had many miracles in my life. It is in many ways a miracle that I'm still alive with the things that I've been through. Of course there would be scoffers, there always are, but they did not have my experience.
I'm going to keep working on this heart journey. I'm going to learn how to breathe. I know that with most life quests, the universe will get behind me. I think I'm going to find beauty in my life again. I'm going to learn how to not feel fear. I'm going to learn how to have experiences and not let the 'fight or flight' response be a knee-jerk reaction to every little bump in the road. I might just learn how to feel like a kid again. I'm going to learn how to live open to experience all that life has to offer me, without having to feel like I've got to control it before it hurts me. I'm going to somehow realize that it can't hurt me, unless I let it. I know know there is a difference. Enlightenment is half the battle. I want the heart energy. I deserve it and so do you.