I've been through a bit since I've last written. I didn't have time before, and now - again, all I have IS time. I worked a mere three weeks, and one of the main funding sources ran out - thus, I got laid off.
Being a person that has delayed reactions to things - it didn't seem to bad at first - I wasn't fired, nor let go -- I had just been temporarily laid off. That is what my "rational" mind told me. I hadn't had time to consider all that I'd been trying to cope with - all the dreams I'd had in my head. Not only that, but the stress that I'd been under (good stress) trying to adjust to the new job. Since it had been so many years since I had worked, the adjustment period had really just begun. I'd had some difficult days, with pain control - and silly as it may sound to some -- missing my daily naps! There were days when paperwork ruled, and I had a serious time staying awake. This in itself was very disconcerting. I knew that it would take sometime to adjust - and I was just beginning to get into the 'groove' of things. Just getting a set routine, time off spent getting clothes ready - apartment cleaned, doing what every other working person does - in managing time. It had been so long, that I had to relearn how to do it. However, I had a lovely schedule, the longest stretch that I worked was two days in a row - and then off two - so it was really great. I had all the time I needed to prepare to return mid week.
I hadn't been feeling the greatest, there had been some stomach thing going around - and it seemed I had it. My energy was very low - and come to find out, what ever this virus was, affected my blood pressure as well. When your blood pressure is low, you feel lousy. I knew, however, despite how rotten I felt, I was not missing work.
I got a call about three weeks in - on a Thursday afternoon and I was actually napping - to come into work. I told my supervisor that I wasn't feeling well, and he told me "no problem, we'll see you tomorrow." Little did I know that when I got there I would be whisked off into a office, and told I was temporarily laid off until the funding returned. They apologized, as I would expect, but what about my dreams?
I'd been looking at different apartments - and had bought clothes just the day before. In all actuality - I'd spent too much money - as I do from time to time. Now here I am --- an unemployed person again. My dog had surgery just earlier in the week, and I'd had extra testing done on her - because I knew I had extra money coming in. Oh well........
So now I've a whole different set of circumstances to deal with in this juncture of my journey. I won't tell you that by the third day I wasn't quite depressed about it all. I had big dreams. Not only that, especially - on the days that I worked, I felt a sense of aliveness -- and great motivation to arise in the morning. I love what I do. I was on the verge of getting my certification back - and now that is stalled again. One must be under clinical supervision in order to receive what I was going for.
I've tossed it over and over in my mind - for what reason I do not know other than I'm human. I guess that's what we do. We try and figure things out. I did not try and figure them out alone -- God is always in the picture with me, and I know that things happen according to His plan. I know that there has to be reason for this, or it would not have taken place. I groveled in my understanding of it -- but more out of the adjustment of my emotions. I'd gone from the stress of the newness of everything that was, to now the newness of everything that isn't.
It's funny how life can take turns so unexpectedly. This makes me very grateful that I serve a constant God. Oh I bewailed a bit - for I lost something temporarily that I really enjoyed -- but I trust that He knows why. I, don't have to. This will sound strange to some, and insane to others. My faith keeps me going, in so many area's - in my life in general. I don't get a lot of things - but I trust that God does and will reveal them to me as the time comes. I know that someday I will look back and understand exactly why this happened, but I don't and refuse to drive myself crazy giving my mind a job that it can't handle.
Faith for me, resides in the heart. It is an assuredness and a safety. I know my Savior has things in store for me, that I cannot even imagine. I know this because of how far He has already brought my life. It not just outward circumstances either - it's a knowing that all good things come from God. I used to believe that God was angry, mad and vengeful. I do not believe that any longer. How are we supposed to love God, when we see Him this way? If we really study Jesus's life, one can only see the humility, the compassion and the eagerness to spread gentleness commingled with love. Jesus was God in the flesh, so how is it that God can always be so angry? I just don't believe that any longer. I've made mistakes, and plenty of them - but I refuse to believe that God remembers any of it. To think anything less, would take away what Jesus did on the cross at Calvary. I will not cheapen, no diminish what my Savior did. I will trust, and wait. I'll praise Him anyway - despite my circumstances. I've everything I need - and then some. And this comes from a girl that lives in a rent controlled apartment with a 13 year old car -- but I'm blessed. I'm breathing, I've a roof over my head, food to eat - people that love me, etc. Many, more that you or I even like to think about - don't have homes, or enough food to eat daily. It's really simple for me. When I'm in my "right" mind. Some days I struggle just like everyone else. However, it does not take me long -- to seek my comforter. He and He alone knows my struggles. I find solace in knowing He is sitting at the end of my life - saying, "rest my child!" What will be known will be made known. Until then, I just have to do the next right thing in front of me. Most of the time I find it in prayer.
I just cannot imagine going through this thing called life, alone. I've done it, and it was miserable. Left to my own defenses, I always manage to really mess things up. For this, and so many reasons on this journey -- at this as with every junction - I cling to Jesus. Call me what you will, and judge me as you may -- but I'm never alone. Not only that, but my help is supernatural. It contains miracles. I know because I've seen them. Next time you're out and you catch a glance at that rainbow - think about it's maker. Science may be able to explain it, but science didn't bring it into existence.
So, job or no job - dreams aside for now - I'll hold on to my faith.
"We walk by faith, not by sight." 2 Corinthians 5:7
God's really my employer - and I'm still very much employed. Happy Journey.