Friday, August 2, 2013
I've been struggling as of late. Interpersonal relationships, relationships, my behavior -- etc. I met with a new therapist today. I was excited to see her - I have known her on a professional level, so I trust her. Trust, is a big issue with me. I'm finding out, much more that I really ever knew. I thought I trusted people, and that people were/are basically good. I've had several instances in my life where something, albeit - life forces or what -- keep giving me evidence that human's aren't trustworthy. Things that have been happening in my life have been very unfair - unjust even. Yet, I was taught an know, life isn't fair. My Dad used to tell me that if there was a fair, it wouldn't even stop in our town...... that's how unfair life is.
I mention my Father often in my blog. I think of my Father, every single day. I miss him. I even wish at times, I could leave this earth and go and be with him. I guess I do this because I'm not satisfied with my life. There's still a huge hole in my life. My therapist said today, "you were dependent upon him, for everything." This is about as accurate as it gets. He was my hero, my cheerleader, my mentor, my best friend, my protector, all of these things -- on top of being my dad. He fit many roles for me growing up. My Mother was just (God bless her) just not nurturing. I've written about her -- she was a narcissist.
I have no family. I have no veritable "got your back," kind of folks. I have friends, but even the grandest of friends, have limitations. This is just human nature.
Somehow, someway - I have to transition myself from the dependency that I have upon my earthen Father to my heavenly Father. For you see, one is getting in the way --- of the other. There is fear involved, which always separates me from God, and hinders my faith. I had someone recently wish to tell me how to write this blog - and it wasn't that I cannot take criticism, for I can..... but this blog is for me, and my pursuit of peace. There isn't a right or a wrong way of doing it. If people choose to read it, fantastic - if it helps someone, fabulous! I want it to. I want people to be able to relate to how I'm feeling/thinking and find some sort of enlightenment. That's who Gina is. But I digress.
I guess I see God/Jesus as somewhat far away. Yet I know that the HolySpirit resides inside my heart. However, is this an intellectual knowing? Or a heart knowing? The problems reside in the feelings. I do at times feel God - and thus brings to surface the power of faith. I do have it, but just like anyone else, it wavers. There's been times when I had the faith of a giant. However, as of late, it's been the pea under the mattress. I've allowed myself to let life's circumstances outweigh my faith. I think we christians do that?
If only when we go through experiences that are difficult - and come out a changed being.... and our faith soars - we could hit a 'save' button. Wouldn't that be grand? If we could ride on that feeling for the rest of our lives? If we could make decisions and stick to them.... and always know that the universe had your back? God is the universe to me, He designed it, why not? He hung the moon, and sprinkled the stars. Every little insect has a purpose... yet we struggle to find ours. Perhaps it is simple, and we complicate it. I don't know. I don't know a lot of things. I do know that the Bible contains lots of promises. I don't believe that God is one that doesn't keep His word. Where I get off track, is when I try and control the deal. Surrender, powerlessness, and supplication - to His will is oft times hard. For me, when I'm spiritually centered, it's mostly about helping others, and being the best person I can be - kind, compassionate, giving, graceful and humble. It requires me to not be focused on ME. My wants, desires, and dreams. I really do surrender all of that to God. I focus on Jesus's life, and very little upon mine. My life just goes much smoother. I'm filled with hope - I find direction - and I am encouraged. I don't berate myself, I don't put my brain into supercomputer mode. I don't try to fix the matters of the heart VIA the mind. The mind cannot heal the heart. I've tried for years. I've put my mind through terrible ordeals. Wrestling with the truths of life, and trying to avoid PAIN - the pain that we all feel, day after day.
Jesus came to heal. Heal the broken hearted, and mend the sick - and SO much more. He came that we may have life, and to have it abundantly. Not to live in the self-imposed mental prison that I do at times. I deserve His peace, His promises, and His love. I think (here I go again) that perhaps, it is a matter of choosing to feel these things. It is a perspective of the heart. I know that God loves me --- but somehow, someway - I've got to allow it to settle into my soul. The barrier between the head and the heart is trust. One must make a beginning. We get that chance, every fresh morn.
I've somehow, got to release my grip on my earth Father. I've got to make that quantum leap to my heavenly Father. I don't do goodbye's well. Being that my Dad was all the family I really ever had, besides my Aunt, who is also past as well -- I am really alone in the world. I've got to accept this. Acceptance is all we have - when it comes to powerlessness. However, it is in the perception, if it is surrender or defeat. I would never choose the passive way. Surrender is a beautiful thing -- if one chooses to see it as such. It really is about winning. Winning with an open, willing heart. We allow wonder, wisdom, and wealth to enter our domain. Our physical and our ethereal domain. It grants us grace. Grace is a gift - the most luxurious gift. Beauty beyond explanation. Life here on earth isn't enough. I don't think it ever will be. I yearn to see God. I long to see Jesus. Call me crazy -- but it is how I feel. He is my family. My soul provider. What I have to do it to start acting like it again, and stop trying to fill up this self imposed void with stuff. I have to stop thinking, period - and know. As my pastor says, "Learn to sit down, on the inside." Sit down with my grief, sit down with the unfairness of life, sit down with life, period. I don't have to fix it.
God's got me.