Showing posts from August, 2013

Fear again

I've a million (or so it seems) thing going on -- I've started school, part time.  (YEAH, ME) However - I don't feel well, I've very fatigued, and just don't feel well at all.  I've been to Urgent Care twice, with reports of nausea, malaise, and the like.  The first time I went I had three infections: ear, sinus, and a urinary interact infection -- and I passed a kidney stone giving the urine sample.  So, for sake of wellness, we'll say - I was one sick puppy.  I got an antibiotic shot and pills....  yuck.

Now down the line a bit -- I cannot sleep - not like I should -- and the sleep is not refreshing.  I'm not able to study like I'd like.  When I do, it doesn't stick.  I get to class and the prof starts discussion and I'm like wha?  It's frightening to say the least.  Can I be this brain damaged from my meds, or the addiction?  I'm not feeling well, that's one thing.  I've been so fatigued, to the point of literally crying. …

Hope ~ Faith

I've been struggling with some matters of the heart as of late.  Mostly because I love someone that I can't be with.  We've all been there.  I've wrestled with until I'm tired of it -- and I'm giving it to God.  This is where things belong - things that I cannot handle, nor change.  Matter of fact, everything in my life - belongs to God.  

I spent an entire day reading, crying, searching, and digging in my bible in search of answers.  I did find them.  God is always available - and I adore this.  I found scripture that I'd read before, but it had never been quite so illuminating as it was that day.  I've also been reading a book that God placed in my hands, "Healed Without Scars" by David G. Evans.  It spoke to me at Goodwill.  With my having had so many surgeries - and the emotional scars of my life... well the darn book jumped into my hands.  It has been exactly what I needed.  It is a book about spiritual healing through Jesus through our fa…

"Becoming willing"

Willingness takes an enormous amount of courage.  I pray for it sometimes.  Much depends upon what it is we're attempting to do - me?  I'm battling with my  last two addictions.  Nicotine, and spending.  I'm so tired of it.  It seems we almost have to be broken, to let somethings go.  I have yet to comprehend this.  Especially when it comes to my smoking.  Why a person does something over and over, that knowingly is harmful, is oblivious to me.  Well of course, we know it's addictive - and despite my internal dislike, I do it - over and over.

A slave some would say.  Perhaps I am.  I look at my trash can, and it's full of spent monies - that I'd really rather have gone elsewhere.  Burning up money -- that's what smoker's do.  It's actually quite insane.  It isn't even pleasurable any longer.  So the veritable question remains, why do it?  The only answer I have - which may not seem reasonable to many, is: because my brain tells me to.



I've had the pleasure of being in someone's presence who calms my heart,a few times in my life.  I consider it an honor.  Those rare person's whom seem to hold your heartbeat in their eyes.  They just make breathing, easier.  They enlarge the heart.  Everything that you experience, a gift.  A gift, straight from Heaven.  No matter where you go nor what you do -- there is such a sublime specialness to it, just to be near them.  Most often times, they are not even aware.  

We live in a world that seems to support nondisclosure of such feelings.  It's just too raw.  It leaves the heart to wide open,  most would say -- for hurt.  Yet, the life that I live and believe in -- does not allow me to hide behind such walls.  If there's ever been great loss -- one is almost pressed, to make full disclosure.  As I live and breathe, I have made it my passion to tell the people that I love, that I love them.  Most would consider it naive - reckless even - I call it being living li…

Heart of God


"Saving" Faith.....

I've been struggling as of late.  Interpersonal relationships, relationships, my behavior -- etc.  I met with a new therapist today.  I was excited to see her - I have known her on a professional level, so I trust her.  Trust, is a big issue with me.  I'm finding out, much more that I really ever knew.  I thought I trusted people, and that people were/are basically good.  I've had several instances in my life where something, albeit - life forces or what -- keep giving me evidence that human's aren't trustworthy.  Things that have been happening in my life have been very unfair - unjust even.  Yet, I was taught an know, life isn't fair.  My Dad used to tell me that if there was a fair, it wouldn't even stop in our town...... that's how unfair life is.  

I mention my Father often in my blog.  I think of my Father, every single day.  I miss him.  I even wish at times, I could leave this earth and go and be with him.  I guess I do this because I'm not s…