It's been a long time since I've written. I've been busy writing papers for school, which I never actually thought I'd return to. Alas, I have and although I struggle, I'm getting through. I'm finding that my mind just doesn't work the way that I'd like, and the way it did at thirty-something. My comprehension is down. Way down. I have to work much harder than I ever have at making the grades. I am very undisciplined. I suppose this should not be a shocker, but it upsets me quite a bit. In all actuality, when I think of it not much has changed - it's still the same old procrastination. I push myself up all the way to the edge with thing - I just finished an essay that's been assigned for at least two weeks. I tried to complete it prior, but it just wouldn't come. Sometimes I have problems like that - the information will not just flow. I guess it is the equivalent of writers block? Who knows.
I'm still single, and have not dated. I've asked God the reasons for my aloneness. I know that this is a healing time for me, and a time to trust the peace that I feel. It is time for me to be still and meditative with God. It's odd how even though we may know (or think that we know) the essence behind the substance - it isn't always palatable. I did have a revelation of understanding at church service today. Goodness, I adore my church. It is likened to a clean, fresh, crisp bubbling brook when one's extremely thirsty. One can approach it and drink, and drink living water. Water that satisfies the soul. There is nothing on earth that does that for me like God's word. It is refreshment like no other. Deep inside the yearnings of my heart and all that I long for, I can find solace in His word. I learned today that Jesus has an unanswered prayer and that the coming of the Father cannot take place until that prayer is answered. It makes perfect sense. So many people believe that there's going to be world wars, and an anti-christ. I think that is what they want. I at least believe that is what they want to believe. Of course that is what's being taught by many that don't seem to find deeper meaning behind the word that the scratching of the surface of it. It takes dedication and an open mind. Most have the dedication, but not the open mind. I just find it intently interesting how man has rearranged God's word to mean what they want it to mean - and take context to a level that isn't even recognizable. If I, a common lay-person can find meaning beyond some that profess to be leaders, honestly - it's frightening.
I actually know that in terms of God's wisdom, I don't know anything. He must show me things all the time. My dreams and my desires get in the way of my understanding. My simpleton mind is my own worst enemy. I don't need some demonic figure speaking in my ear or giving me an "evil heart' like I heard on the christian radio the other day -- to side track myself. I just don't see how anyone ever finds Jesus when He is behind the sledge hammer. Let's beat you to pieces with sin to show you how much Jesus loves you --- sort of an oxymoron wouldn't you say? The love of God doesn't require pain folks. Much to many people's dismay. One can follow Jesus, and live a beautiful life, leaving behind condemnation, shame and generational guilt. I don't have guilt anymore, nor do I feel condemned. Jesus bore all of that on the cross at Calvary. Why would I want to continue to bare it? He declared peace and love. He loved the unloveable. For someone that has lived the kind of life that I have ( a liar, a thief and a manipulator) - addiction, alcoholism and the like, this was the kind of answer that I'd been praying for my entire life. I thought I'd found it in A.A. however I kept having to relive my past over and over. In Jesus, I'm a new creation. I am no longer who I used to be. I have a new spirit, and a new body - if you will. Even if you won't ! As the song says, "I've been redeemed ." I'm not who I used to be any longer. Those that would scoff at grace - don't even begin to understand what it means. It's peace that surpasses all human comprehension. I had an anxiety disorder -- high blood pressure, I say had, because I don't anymore. I don't have an exemplary life. I have an average (from the outside anyway) - life basically in poverty. However, the depth of riches that I have internally cannot be communicated. From what I've been given in glory - supersedes the monetary. I thank God for my abundance!
There is nothing more precious to God than a compassionate heart. He gave me one. He gave me a gift that I get to share all my life. My christianity is centered in love, and a deeply embedded desire to extend myself to my fellow human beings. I'm not perfect by any means, but I don't have to be. God's love is so far from our understanding, and so vast that perfection is a silly state that we created. It isn't something that He placed upon us, we place it upon ourselves. The work is finished. Jesus did what no one else on earth could have ever done. He was our propitiation for sin. All things are lawful to me, but they are not me. Christ resides in my heart - it isn't as if I have to go to church to visit Him. My life is His home. What I feel, He feels. He feels our inequities. This is why God came to earth as a man, and that man was Jesus Christ.
If someone takes the time to read this and does not understand, leave a comment. I'll get an email. I'd love to answer you. I've merely written what is on my heart. God loves you immensely and you may not even be aware of it, or Him. Or you may be in a faith that is breaking your back week after week due to the sin consciousness. This is not what we became christians for. Christ was the final lamb of God. Hearing about sin, only makes us more aware of sin - the only thing that can change our lives is Jesus -- and knowing Him. He came to save the world, not make it feel horrible for being human. God made us human - and gave us a choice, what greater gift could we have been given? What greater honor is there to Him than to choose Him? Especially when one knows that from that choice, that decision is upon all foundation that lies our lives! It isn't trivial, immature, unpopular or limiting to choose Jesus as your savior. It is quite the opposite. As God illuminates the morning sky, He will so beautify your life. Where there was nothing, springs hope eternal. It is just simply beyond explanation the heights and the depths in which Jesus will transform your world. What do you have to do you ask? Believe. Believe that Jesus was the son of God, and that He came and saved the world. I say "saved" because while we were yet sinners, He loved us. You don't have to do anything to be saved. There isn't a "getting ready" process as many believe. You come as you are, and watch the transformation begin. Jesus came to bring increase to the world, not decrease. He wants you to prosper.
I don't know where all of this came from tonight other than feeling Jesus in my life. Church was amazing, as it usually is - the power of God welled up inside of me. I know I'm learning truth, for perhaps the first time in my life. The foundation of God's word has been set, the branches growing prepared to bear fruit. I know that there is a purpose for my life. It begins and ends with Jesus.