Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Anger/emotional pain

I've allowed circumstances and people to escalate my emotions as of late.  I'm not proud of this - and every time that this happens, I'm remorseful.  I don't like that out of control feeling, it does not serve me well.  I have a temper.  I have a very bad temper.  I'm not proud of this either, nor the way that I react when under it's influence.  It is as if I become another person entirely.  The totality of my past hurts, devastations, and the like - rear their ugly heads.  All of the things that I have done everything in my power to heal my whole adult life, rages out of me.  And it is rage.  Anger on this level is powerful, and dangerous.  Dangerous because at a certain point - I no longer know what I'm going to do.  There is a fine line in which things get completely out of control.  

It's going to stop.  I'm not longer going to engage.  It's just that simple.  It's ungodly.  I think that people like to bring you to this place - and enjoy seeing you in such an out of control state - for it allows them to throw it in your face.  I suppose rightly so.  But anyone, anywhere when pushed to such limits - will respond.  Alas, it takes two.  I'm just not going to go there anymore.  

I'm almost packed, and almost out of my current situation.  There's barely a few days left.  Even though I'm being pushed emotionally - it is not about me, the lies and the drama are almost over.  I will never place myself in such a position again.  

I believed lies on top of lies, and I was gullible.  No more.  If I've lost some innocence in this, so be it.  Perhaps this has been what it's taken for God to wake me up to the evil in this world.  I didn't want to believe that it existed, but man, do I ever now.  I've never met such a liar.  Well, besides my middle brother.  But, I digress.

I give my emotions to God today.  I can't handle them right now.  I'm in the middle of something that I really can't control - and He has to be my guiding force.  I lay aside my wounds, my anger, my rage, and give it all to Him.  He has to manage my emotions, because I cannot.  Not when I'm being lied to and lied about.  Liars enrage me.  God put truth in me and I don't know how to handle such dishonesty.  This doesn't make me weak, or frail.  These trials will make me stronger and wiser.  I will rest in God's goodness, and default my emotional reactions.  It is the only way that I'm going to get through these last few days - for I have been facing evil, evil that is trying it's best to suck me into it's web.  

Once I am away from this situation, I will learn - and apply what I've learned to my life.  That is what God intends  for us to do and be - eternal students of life. And for us to do everything that we can to exhibit His character.  I've not been doing that so well as of late - and this make me very sad.  I'm going to walk as closely with Him today as I possibly know how -- and listen to His voice inside of me.  He knows it all..  He will deliver me from this, this madness.  

Getting involved with an ungodly person was my first mistake -- and it was a bad one.  I'm still paying consequences.  Not consequences from God - because there is no condemnation in Christ - but only the choices that we make.  Free will sometimes is a curse.  It leads to much displeasure in situations such as these.  

I am a child of hope, and belief - but I've been reduced to unbelievable things.  I can't do anything about that.  All I can do is walk in the Lord today - and from here on out.  I'm going to be like a man in a shark cage -- I'm just not going to let the shark get to me.  Try as they might.....  God is my refuge.    

Monday, May 26, 2014

Painful Awakenings

I love people.  I've loved people.  My friends have been my life - mostly because my family is broken.  That is the best way that I know how to put it.  It nearly broke me.  Some how I survived - and now I wonder to what end.... and I fully know that is just my emotional pain talking.  I am so hurt, devastated really - that I cannot full express myself.  

What I'm going through now is horrendous.  I don't want to get into the details, because I did that in my last blog.  The part that has broken my heart is my "so called" friends.  With exception of a few - it seems people can't be bothered.  I knew that people were mostly (and I'm putting that mildly) self consumed - but never in my  life would I have imagined to what end.  Thus, I realize the answer to all of this is acceptance - it isn't as if I don't understand the antidote.  I do - but what does one do with the pain that goes along with the process?  

We need each other.  That's just a fact.  God did not place us here to be islands.  Albeit - it appears that the world (at least my little world) is more and more "dog eat dog."  I so dislike that analogy.  It clamors everybody for themselves, and screw one another.  Yet, this is what I'm finding - and this is what IS the reality in my current residence.  

I have been very naive.  I've been a person that trusts until given a reason not to.  Yet, this has to change - and this requires an alteration in my personhood.  These kinds of internal shifts are not easy.  It's breaking my heart.  The fact that not one person has stood up and proclaimed to be as dedicated to me as I've been them - I've always been them - is earth shattering to me.  It's like a tear in my consciousness.  I don't quite know how to feel or how to respond.  One minute I'm angry - and the next crying my eyes out.  In reality, I suppose I "should" (oh how I dislike that word) have known.  But I thought those that I care about, cared about me!  Ah, but I was wrong.  They won't even answer their phones.......  

If people can't even be bothered to talk, then I've invested in the wrong people.  Or is it that?  Or is it that this world is just such a place now that no one cares about anyone but themselves?  I've helped countless people, and in my work - I've dispensed more hope than I have now myself.  People talk about Karma.  I don't personally believe in it because I'm christian.  Christians (well myself anyway - don't really want bad things to come around to those that deserve it)  aren't supposed to desire harm upon others.  For while we were yet sinners, Jesus died for us.  The idea that "what goes around, comes around" just doesn't jive with me.  Of course, I'm human and I have those thoughts, but when it comes down to it -I pray for my enemies.  It's easy to love good people.  What's hard is loving difficult people. That's what the bible says though - and I wouldn't be any kind of christian if I don't embrace it all.  

I know that this is a gigantic learning experience.  It is just that what I'm learning is so damn painful.  People don't care.  People won't help.  They can't even be bothered to answer their phones.  How pathetic.  I have been there for so many people, and listened and listened and listened more.  I've helped people any way I know  how.  I've given to people out of my lack.  This doesn't make me a saint, and I'm not yanking my own chain - in the least - but I'll assure you of one thing, I'm a much better friend by far than what is being  portrayed to me right now.  And it hurts...  

My challenge is to not let it break my spirit.  I have to keep going.  However, things are going to be much different from now on.  Part of me should have known better.  As much as I'd like to - people cannot be relied upon.  That's just fact.  Say all you want about the "human spirit" --- but I don't buy it.  Not anymore.  People are consumed with their little plans and designs - wants, desires, dreams, and notions.  And it doesn't concern YOU.  If they need help, well it's a different story - but as far as I'm concerned - good luck...  I'm down.  I'm about as down as I've been in a long time.  The line of kindness and compassion is pretty vacant.  

No one knows or cares for that matter that I'm in so much physical pain that I can't barely walk from packing and lifting boxes.  No one knows that I'm living with someone that won't even talk to me.  No one knows that I've been stolen from.  I'm as close to homelessness as I can be.  With a 13 y/o dog.  The electricity is about to be turned off because the bill hasn't been paid - and I'm going to loose what food I do have.  No, it's not my bill - I've been paying it for the last three months and I'm not doing it anymore.  But, I guess - that's my drama.  What I can't take are the lies.  The never ending lies.  Lies from someone that said they loved me.  If that doesn't hurt your heart, I don't know what would.  

So, I forge ahead.  Basically alone.  Me and God.  There is a reason that this is happening.  There always is.  My eyes are wide open.  God will not forsake me as people have, and I claim that in Jesus name.  He is making a way where there is none, He is my comforter in this debacle.  If not for Him, I honestly do not know.... depression is looming so near - and it's so vast.  But just like the phoenix - I will arise from these ashes.  I will overcome this, with or without my friends help.  There are agencies out there - just for people like me.  People that the world doesn't give a shit about.  Despite my contributions to life, reality is slapping me in the face - on both sides.  I refuse to say it's what I deserve - because it's just not the truth.  I've been good to people, and I will continue.  That's who I am.  Regardless of what's being said in untruth about me.  Truth always surfaces.  It's doing it now, and I'm waking up.  It just hurts like hell.  But I have a comforter, He resides inside of me.  I don't have to call Him, and pray for Him to answer.  He knows my heart is broken over mankind.  His was too.  He still believed in us enough to give His life.  That's some heart.  That I trust, and not much else.  

Glory be to God in the highest ~ I praise You in this storm.  Lord, mend my broken heart, as only You can do.  I will walk in Your will, and You will deliver me.  Amen.


Friday, May 23, 2014

Chaos living with lies....

This has been what my life has been for the last few weeks.  I made a huge mistake in trusting someone - and it's been a living nightmare.  I've been living with a liar.  I'm not sure why this happened, nor why this person has been  placed in my life - but it has been as challenging a time (with exception to my father passing) as I've ever been through.  The hard part being, I once thought that this person cared about me.  Man was I ever wrong.  It could not be more evident now - and the fact remains, that these types of individuals don't care about anyone, but themselves.  There isn't even any chance of communication, because everything is focused on the other person's needs.  When someone gets involved in a manner of two days after a break-up.... something is VERY wrong with this individual.  There is another agenda at play.  I would offer a guess -- but I don't want to be rude, nor sink to other's level.

I've had my character trashed, due to my getting angry after being placed in an untenable situation.  Everyone has breaking points, but I just wonder, if the truth was known --- how others would have responded in such a situation.  However, these times when I did become angry have been the highlight and embellishment of the communication about me, and I've been deemed as "mean".  Now I'll be the first to tell anyone, I do have a temper --- I fight very hard, and have given warning, not to push me to such a position.  But, I don't see how anyone who's had lies told about them, bold faced lies, is expected to respond?  Granted, if the shoe had been on the other foot, an I was holding them captive, and playing mind games --- I would imagine that it would have been much worse than how I responded.  Do unto others....meant nothing.  It's been more like, "I got mine, and you have nothing...."  When people seem to gain pleasure at your misfortune, it's very hard to swallow.  But I've never in my life met a person that can be one way one minute (this is how all the friends are fooled) and so damned evil the next.  But I've seen it in action.  I was made promises, and NONE of this was true, all the way down to the amount of education that this person so called has.  If they had, they'd know how to have a real relationship.  I've seen first hand the inability to even have the tiniest of empathy.  It's all about them, no matter what it is.  It is hard, almost impossible to deal with anyone like this.  It's infuriating.

I'm a creature of the truth and I have been for a long time.  I don't lie, and it's been that way since I was a child.  I'd tell the truth even if I was going to get into trouble.  I don't get liars.  Especially self proclaimed liars.  How do these people live with themselves?  The trouble really began when I started seeing through this persons false personality.  I won't do just anything for money --- but some people will.  Some people will and not batt an eye.  These kind of people scare me.  Big time.  Especially the ones that seem to have no problems with manipulating, stealing, and lying.  This just is not me.  I hate to have to ask to borrow money - little alone do some of the things that were done in my presence.  This does not include the things of mine that were sold without my permission, and with out my knowledge until I noticed that it was gone.  Yeah, despicable.  But what's being said is that I'm the mooch - living here for free -- but what's not known is that I'm cleaning, washing, taking care of her dog -- and most of the time picking up after her.  I even offered my bed for her to sleep on and I'd take the couch.  I've bought all the food for the last three months, and paid all the utilities, and then some.  But I'm hateful, and mean.  When the fact of the matter is that what's been done to me, all that's been done to me in attempts to break me.  And I know that this is because I'm christian, I've certainly had that thrown in my face enough.  This coming from a person who wouldn't care if God sad down beside them - they'd still lie.

I don't care who reads this.  I really don't care.  I've had enough of how horrible I am when it's lies.  I heard it come out of someone else's mouth yesterday, "well you know she lies"....  There's nothing like affirmation!!!  I've lost so much and all because I trusted someone for who they said that they were.  BIG mistake.  Now I'm suffering the consequences.  Boy am I.  But, I walked into this situation.  It's really dampened my spirit in humans.  It was said, "you've been treated so badly"... and I've been through much, much more through this by far than any other relationship than I've EVER.  I wouldn't doubt what the new relationship did start before this one ended to tell the truth.  I'd confronted it and I was right on target, but of course I got a lie.  It was admitted to two weeks later... LIAR LIAR LIAR.  It's okay, I surely don't want that in my life - EVER.  I don't doubt that everything that's been said about me is a lie.  But it's okay, there not my friends, and they will find out what this person's made of.  Ugly people can't stay covered up forever.  God does not like ugly.

I'll come through this-- a better, stronger, woman.  It's going to transport me to a better place.  I say that I've lost faith in people but not in my Lord.  No weapon formed against me shall prosper!  What man uses for evil, God will use for good.  I know this.  I will get my life back together - it may take some time, but I'll recover.  I won't trust so easily next time though.  People have agenda's.  I sure found one that did.  I just didn't make enough money.  That's what it all  boils down to.  Money.  I know it.  I refuse to believe anything else.

Beware of people promising the moon and stars.  Especially if they don't own them....   Especially if they're's no wonder in their life.  I made the mistake of getting involved with an ungodly person and man have I paid for it.  With everything that I have, and I am.  Getting away from God bring chaos.  I dislike chaos.  I crave peace.  Some folks live for drama.  I'm not compatible with that.  Anything that takes me away from God, I should know better.  I made a huge mistake.  Trust me, I'm paying for it, in more ways than one can imagine.  I was never cared for, only what I could do.  It wasn't enough -- so I was abandoned.... literally.  But I wasn't supposed to be upset about that.  It's a mystery to me.  People that love drama and chaos always are.

If only I would have listened to my gut.  God Bless and let this be a warning to you..... if the holy spirit inside of you is giving you pause, listen to it, I didn't and it was one of the worst mistakes of my life.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014


I think sleep must come for special people.  I've not been able to really sleep in years now.  I'm not certain if it's pain, an aging bladder, or what.  I just simply cannot sleep for more than two hours it seems at a time.  This makes functioning hard, on any level.  It's hard on memory - clarity and vision. It just makes everything take a little harder "push" to accomplish because it seems I'm always tired on some level, be it physically or mentally.  Lord help if it's both and I'm emotionally exhausted.  Usually the body will allow me to shut down then.

As per my last blog - loads of change in my life.  Today things are on an upswing.... all is not great, but options are opening up for me that weren't there prior.  As with anything else, these changes will create other problems - and I foresee them.  I accept the challenge and commit to overcoming the obstacles.  Really, what choice do I have?  And I realize that those reading have no idea what I'm pertaining to - alas it is just circumstances that are beyond my control... to a degree.

Most of us think that our thoughts are reality.  We never give something like that or that concept - thought.  It's an interesting thought - and we can get SO wrapped up in our thinking that we never question ourselves, or our WAY of thinking.  Our perception of our lives, and life in general.  I did not come up with that -- but I do utilize it.  See, I know that my thoughts, my thought life is all based upon my story.  How I see the world is from the lens of the collection of my life's experiences.   I guess one could call such a place the "hard-drive."  If my hard-drive isn't healthy - then I'm not healthy.  I'm not saying it's an easy job.  Work must be done, daily to one's attitude, spirit, and mind set.  It's like an inventory of sorts.  I guess I picked that up from A.A.  That is really where my inner work began, and when I started therapy -- and where I learned that to be aware, is to be alive.  I choose to live, and sometimes that means living - breathing with uncomfortable emotions.  Pain, hurt, and devastation are just a few of the emotions that nobody wants to feel but that are just as necessary as elation, joy, and happiness.  It's the tip of the pendulum - it's the balance in the ever present, breathtaking ebb and flow of our emotionality.  We cannot experience joy - not to it's fullest extent without pain.  We actually learn a great deal through suffering... if we but open our minds and hearts to the experience, and are present to it's potential to heal as well as expand us.

Now that's a mindful.  Not many will follow - or will even want to.  Most folks are so on "autopilot" - there is little purpose to their lives, limited vision (if any at all) and no time for experiencing emotions.  I feel for these folks.  I actually can't imagine what life would be like, living without awareness.  I didn't quite know (silly me) that there were people that preferred to live in the dark, and leave their emotional wellbeing behind closed doors (so to speak).   But then again, as of late I've experienced many things that I'd never though I'd go through.  Life is odd like this.  When you wish for something... and you think you know how it will be in your mind... just know... just because you think it, doesn't mean that's how it will be if the circumstances permit themselves.   I thought being in a relationship would mean certain things, and in fact it did not.  Not at all.  It in fact meant the exact opposite of what I'd hoped.  However, this is okay - it has to be.  There are times in your life when you run into circumstances/situations that you just cannot change.  This is when you know that choices have to be made.  Life comes down to what a person will accept in his or her life -- and we all have to be the ready when those things happen.

Life sometimes feels big.  I guess it does for everyone.  At those moments, I do draw back to my A.A. roots.  If I don't I'll get too overwhelmed.  Everyone does with the kind of changes that I'm experiencing.  It doesn't make me weak to admit that.  See, I'm open.  I actually feel what happens to me.  Many people don't, can't and won't.  It's not the easiest thing to do.  It takes guts, and courage.  It takes a strength that most people just don't have.  I'm not alone.  That's the difference.

I haven't talked about God in a long time.  It seems that way at least.  He's all I have.  He's my only hope.  I would have never thought that anything or anyone would have tried to get in the way of my relationship to God - but I suppose stranger things have happened.  I've actually grown closer to Him through this - although I've been denied access.  Praise God church is in my heart.

I'm grateful that I'm an open person - and that I feel life as it goes.  It's exacerbating at times, but I wouldn't have it any other way.  I don't know any other way.  I've learned a lot about people this time around.  It's not good.  I'm grieved more and more about the human spirit.  I suppose that's a whole different blog.  It saddens me however.  It has humbled my hope.  Only for a second.  It has given me pause.  Time will heal, and I'll learn -- that which I'm meant to learn.  I'm still to close to this experience to know just yet.  I know that I'm a trooper and that I'll never give up.  I'll continue to fight - even if my spirit is a bit hampered right now.  It's only in humans, not in my God.  Humans will fail you --- 80% of the time.  Their fallible - they're human.  Doesn't stop it from hurting nor disappointing you.  It's not really the people that let you down - it's our expectations.  Our hopes, our dreams -- that's where we get hurt.  I think once a person realizes this -- it's easier to mend.  It was just a dream.  Nobody ever promised it would come true.  There just are no guarantee's.

There is only one constant that I know of and that is God.  He's the same today, yesterday and tomorrow.  He does not lie.  I've shared how I feel - and what I believe about God and grace.  I am at peace today.  Even in the midst of many circumstances, I can claim peace.  I feel what I feel and move on.  I make mistakes, just like anyone else, I get mad - at injustices and loose my temper.  Perceived injustice.  It's all perception...  Today is going to be a great day despite the rain... I'm committed.  Some folks choose not to feel, some people choose not to acknowledge God, or change, or be wiling to heal -- and you know what?  That's their business.  My life and it's reality goes on.  I remain grateful for every experience that propels me forward.  All good things come from the Father.  I praise Him for His peace, and I gladly accept His will in my life.  May my life inspire someone, somewhere - or may I lighten someone's burden...  

Be blessed today ~~~be a blessing.  Reality doesn't have to be a bad place....  

Monday, May 5, 2014

Change, change and more change.....

Humans do odd things when faced with multiple changes.  Change produces stress in the body - both good and bad changes.  It affects the mind, the body and the spirit.  Trying to stay at peace while all of this is going on, is not easy.  The best way that I know how to stay centered is to take things slowly - one obstacle at a time.  Until three hit you.  Sometimes you have no choice but to deal with multiplicity - one then has to prioritize.  It's very intense at times.  I've had to teach myself how to respond to situations, verses react to them.  It took me many years and much prayer to do this.  I used to be very reactionary.  I made a lot of mistakes during that time, but I learned - and this is the key.  A mistake is not a mistake if we but learn from the experience.  Learning from the experience requires willingness - a willingness to look at our part in it, our behavior - thoughts and motivations.  

I guess my cathartic moment the other day was when I almost threw up.  That is where my body took me with the changes in my life.  That was where I let the thoughts that built up inside to take me to and it affected me physically.  We have so much more control over our minds than we realize.  I literally made myself sick because of my thinking.  I allowed myself to become so overwhelmed in that moment (or two) till the point that it made me sick.

I wonder on the other side of this if we can think ourselves well?  I think they're is a pretty darn good chance that we have quite a bit of control/power over our wellbeing based upon how and what we think.  Granted this isn't a new idea...but it begs exploring - for me.  I just find it so interesting that if my mind can have such a dramatic effect upon me in a negative manner as to affect me physically -- why can't we think ourselves well?  What is the answer to that one?  It has to go both ways, that's the only thing that makes any sense.  Our brains are attached (duh) to our emotions, actually they are the cause ...chemicals, hormones and such - how would a person have to think in order for there to be harmony?  I find this quite interesting.  I see where spirits and hearts collide on that one.  What of those like me with illnesses and diseases... what of this?  Of course there is no easy answer, no utopia or nirvana....

My father used to tell me that my pain was psychosomatic when I was young - and I didn't like that.  I did not understand fully what this meant.  I just thought that it was my fault was what he was saying or that my pain was just "all in my head."  I'd been to numerous doctors and found no answers, so who could help but feel like no one believes you?  Those were the years long before I had any sense of self, however - prior to treatment.  The first one.

Our mindsets have so much to do with our lives, so much.  I'm going through a great deal of change.  I've written in past about change being a gift and I stand by this.  Every risk we take forces us to grow - I'll continue to take them.  I will not live life in a cocoon.  I did that for many years and I won't go back there.  Every ripple no matter how larger or how small affects us.  I have quite a few ripples coming.  All that I can do is put on a pair of ski's and go with the flow.  To fight the current - well would be futile.  So much about change is one's mindset - if your open and expectant of the experience, then the universe will get behind you.  Once you take that step out in faith - the Lord will guide your path.  It's really simple for me, just get up, and believe.  Obstacles may pop up, just deal with them and keep on marching forward.  I know that God has got me.  I have no doubt of this.  Do I really, or could I use a miracle?  Yes, and I do believe in them!!!  I've experienced them in my life.  This and many other things steady my faith - concretized my commitment to God.  I may be looking at heavy duty need, but I have a rock solid Lord!!!

Change is difficult... no matter who you are.  It can boggle the mind.  Intense change can really be unsettling.  Especially in matters of the heart -

The next time that your faced with a tough change think to yourself, how this goes really depends upon how I believe it will!  We get what we expect.  It's really that simple.  Expect great things !!  Be the person that actually is grateful, look up - look at the clouds - sky, notice the earth!  See the stars at night.  Life actually exists outside of our heads.  Know who and what is in control of your life.... is it you or that voice in your head?  Take time and get quiet and see what comes to you.  That voice will quieten down - and you might be surprised what you find.  Sometimes all that chatter is just that - racket!!  Listen to your soul.  There's a place to start to find out who you are.  Be aware of your ego and it's control over you.  Those pesky instincts run rampant.  Yes it's a lot of work, but it's also necessary for growth and peace.

Changing requires so much from us - but we can make the transition.  View it as an opportunity and a junction in the journey.  Muster the courage even when you don't feel like it - staying positive will help smooth the way.  I'm at peace this time around and I haven't a clue on a whole lot of things.  Life changes and there isn't anything we can do about it.  Process whatever feelings may be involved is always your best bet.  Closure is always a good plan when possible.

If only there were a nirvana..(on earth).  None of us would have to worry about things like change or thinking positive or any of that type of stuff. I think in that kind of situation - that would all be a part of that reality - and come natural... I can't even begin to think in that direction my mind goes into overload.  I kind of do have a place that I go when I am in nature or listen to music -- or during praise time at church that is pretty close to heaven on earth.  That's pretty cool.

I know that there are magical aspects to the mind that are yet to be discovered.  I know that we use so little of what it is actually capable of.  I like to think that I (as much as I can) push some of the limits of it by the way that I think... and the kinds/types of things that I think about.  That's cool.  I'm not idle much..   Happy Changing.......  God Bless....