Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Anger/emotional pain

I've allowed circumstances and people to escalate my emotions as of late.  I'm not proud of this - and every time that this happens, I'm remorseful.  I don't like that out of control feeling, it does not serve me well.  I have a temper.  I have a very bad temper.  I'm not proud of this either, nor the way that I react when under it's influence.  It is as if I become another person entirely.  The totality of my past hurts, devastations, and the like - rear their ugly heads.  All of the things that I have done everything in my power to heal my whole adult life, rages out of me.  And it is rage.  Anger on this level is powerful, and dangerous.  Dangerous because at a certain point - I no longer know what I'm going to do.  There is a fine line in which things get completely out of control.  

It's going to stop.  I'm not longer going to engage.  It's just that simple.  It's ungodly.  I think that people like to bring you to this place - and enjoy seeing you in such an out of control state - for it allows them to throw it in your face.  I suppose rightly so.  But anyone, anywhere when pushed to such limits - will respond.  Alas, it takes two.  I'm just not going to go there anymore.  

I'm almost packed, and almost out of my current situation.  There's barely a few days left.  Even though I'm being pushed emotionally - it is not about me, the lies and the drama are almost over.  I will never place myself in such a position again.  

I believed lies on top of lies, and I was gullible.  No more.  If I've lost some innocence in this, so be it.  Perhaps this has been what it's taken for God to wake me up to the evil in this world.  I didn't want to believe that it existed, but man, do I ever now.  I've never met such a liar.  Well, besides my middle brother.  But, I digress.

I give my emotions to God today.  I can't handle them right now.  I'm in the middle of something that I really can't control - and He has to be my guiding force.  I lay aside my wounds, my anger, my rage, and give it all to Him.  He has to manage my emotions, because I cannot.  Not when I'm being lied to and lied about.  Liars enrage me.  God put truth in me and I don't know how to handle such dishonesty.  This doesn't make me weak, or frail.  These trials will make me stronger and wiser.  I will rest in God's goodness, and default my emotional reactions.  It is the only way that I'm going to get through these last few days - for I have been facing evil, evil that is trying it's best to suck me into it's web.  

Once I am away from this situation, I will learn - and apply what I've learned to my life.  That is what God intends  for us to do and be - eternal students of life. And for us to do everything that we can to exhibit His character.  I've not been doing that so well as of late - and this make me very sad.  I'm going to walk as closely with Him today as I possibly know how -- and listen to His voice inside of me.  He knows it all..  He will deliver me from this, this madness.  

Getting involved with an ungodly person was my first mistake -- and it was a bad one.  I'm still paying consequences.  Not consequences from God - because there is no condemnation in Christ - but only the choices that we make.  Free will sometimes is a curse.  It leads to much displeasure in situations such as these.  

I am a child of hope, and belief - but I've been reduced to unbelievable things.  I can't do anything about that.  All I can do is walk in the Lord today - and from here on out.  I'm going to be like a man in a shark cage -- I'm just not going to let the shark get to me.  Try as they might.....  God is my refuge.    

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