Wednesday, May 14, 2014


I think sleep must come for special people.  I've not been able to really sleep in years now.  I'm not certain if it's pain, an aging bladder, or what.  I just simply cannot sleep for more than two hours it seems at a time.  This makes functioning hard, on any level.  It's hard on memory - clarity and vision. It just makes everything take a little harder "push" to accomplish because it seems I'm always tired on some level, be it physically or mentally.  Lord help if it's both and I'm emotionally exhausted.  Usually the body will allow me to shut down then.

As per my last blog - loads of change in my life.  Today things are on an upswing.... all is not great, but options are opening up for me that weren't there prior.  As with anything else, these changes will create other problems - and I foresee them.  I accept the challenge and commit to overcoming the obstacles.  Really, what choice do I have?  And I realize that those reading have no idea what I'm pertaining to - alas it is just circumstances that are beyond my control... to a degree.

Most of us think that our thoughts are reality.  We never give something like that or that concept - thought.  It's an interesting thought - and we can get SO wrapped up in our thinking that we never question ourselves, or our WAY of thinking.  Our perception of our lives, and life in general.  I did not come up with that -- but I do utilize it.  See, I know that my thoughts, my thought life is all based upon my story.  How I see the world is from the lens of the collection of my life's experiences.   I guess one could call such a place the "hard-drive."  If my hard-drive isn't healthy - then I'm not healthy.  I'm not saying it's an easy job.  Work must be done, daily to one's attitude, spirit, and mind set.  It's like an inventory of sorts.  I guess I picked that up from A.A.  That is really where my inner work began, and when I started therapy -- and where I learned that to be aware, is to be alive.  I choose to live, and sometimes that means living - breathing with uncomfortable emotions.  Pain, hurt, and devastation are just a few of the emotions that nobody wants to feel but that are just as necessary as elation, joy, and happiness.  It's the tip of the pendulum - it's the balance in the ever present, breathtaking ebb and flow of our emotionality.  We cannot experience joy - not to it's fullest extent without pain.  We actually learn a great deal through suffering... if we but open our minds and hearts to the experience, and are present to it's potential to heal as well as expand us.

Now that's a mindful.  Not many will follow - or will even want to.  Most folks are so on "autopilot" - there is little purpose to their lives, limited vision (if any at all) and no time for experiencing emotions.  I feel for these folks.  I actually can't imagine what life would be like, living without awareness.  I didn't quite know (silly me) that there were people that preferred to live in the dark, and leave their emotional wellbeing behind closed doors (so to speak).   But then again, as of late I've experienced many things that I'd never though I'd go through.  Life is odd like this.  When you wish for something... and you think you know how it will be in your mind... just know... just because you think it, doesn't mean that's how it will be if the circumstances permit themselves.   I thought being in a relationship would mean certain things, and in fact it did not.  Not at all.  It in fact meant the exact opposite of what I'd hoped.  However, this is okay - it has to be.  There are times in your life when you run into circumstances/situations that you just cannot change.  This is when you know that choices have to be made.  Life comes down to what a person will accept in his or her life -- and we all have to be the ready when those things happen.

Life sometimes feels big.  I guess it does for everyone.  At those moments, I do draw back to my A.A. roots.  If I don't I'll get too overwhelmed.  Everyone does with the kind of changes that I'm experiencing.  It doesn't make me weak to admit that.  See, I'm open.  I actually feel what happens to me.  Many people don't, can't and won't.  It's not the easiest thing to do.  It takes guts, and courage.  It takes a strength that most people just don't have.  I'm not alone.  That's the difference.

I haven't talked about God in a long time.  It seems that way at least.  He's all I have.  He's my only hope.  I would have never thought that anything or anyone would have tried to get in the way of my relationship to God - but I suppose stranger things have happened.  I've actually grown closer to Him through this - although I've been denied access.  Praise God church is in my heart.

I'm grateful that I'm an open person - and that I feel life as it goes.  It's exacerbating at times, but I wouldn't have it any other way.  I don't know any other way.  I've learned a lot about people this time around.  It's not good.  I'm grieved more and more about the human spirit.  I suppose that's a whole different blog.  It saddens me however.  It has humbled my hope.  Only for a second.  It has given me pause.  Time will heal, and I'll learn -- that which I'm meant to learn.  I'm still to close to this experience to know just yet.  I know that I'm a trooper and that I'll never give up.  I'll continue to fight - even if my spirit is a bit hampered right now.  It's only in humans, not in my God.  Humans will fail you --- 80% of the time.  Their fallible - they're human.  Doesn't stop it from hurting nor disappointing you.  It's not really the people that let you down - it's our expectations.  Our hopes, our dreams -- that's where we get hurt.  I think once a person realizes this -- it's easier to mend.  It was just a dream.  Nobody ever promised it would come true.  There just are no guarantee's.

There is only one constant that I know of and that is God.  He's the same today, yesterday and tomorrow.  He does not lie.  I've shared how I feel - and what I believe about God and grace.  I am at peace today.  Even in the midst of many circumstances, I can claim peace.  I feel what I feel and move on.  I make mistakes, just like anyone else, I get mad - at injustices and loose my temper.  Perceived injustice.  It's all perception...  Today is going to be a great day despite the rain... I'm committed.  Some folks choose not to feel, some people choose not to acknowledge God, or change, or be wiling to heal -- and you know what?  That's their business.  My life and it's reality goes on.  I remain grateful for every experience that propels me forward.  All good things come from the Father.  I praise Him for His peace, and I gladly accept His will in my life.  May my life inspire someone, somewhere - or may I lighten someone's burden...  

Be blessed today ~~~be a blessing.  Reality doesn't have to be a bad place....  


  1. Thank you Gina! You sure hit the cord many times to how/what I feel and how I act accordingly.. My faith in our Lord I firm however not my peace in what's going on around me, as you said, there are things you can't control and I just have to accept that. Not to take things personally is my biggest issue.. Need to change that using my free will that God gave me. May you have a very blessed day and that you got some sleep this night.

    1. Thank you Kat - for your kind words and for reading. I struggle with taking things personal too. It's hard, but I've been working on it - attachments... we aren't supposed to be "of this world" but it's sure hard at times. I really just have to give it to God, that's the only way that I can do it. Glad that you related to my post - I'm off to post some other feelings/thoughts that I've been struggling with. Hopefully someone can relate or I can inspire! That's always my hope!!! Thanks again Kat!!!