I am discovering that there really needs to be some changes made in my life. Serious changes. It may mean that I need to remove some people and make some different choices. All of it is not completely clear. However, I know that it will become increasingly more vivid as time brings it into perspective.
You see, I've not really mattered to myself throughout my life. As hard as that is to admit. I say that with all candor. I say that with all humility. I say that to right the wrongs, and heal the wounds in my heart.
I had a mother that did not give me love. She did not give me affection. She was cold and unfeeling. She was distant. In return - I felt unloveable. I felt alienated. I felt different. I felt like a nonentity. I did not have a sense of personhood. I did not MATTER. What I felt did not matter, what I thought did not matter, what I needed did not matter, who I was did not matter... and on it goes.
As a result of this one can only imagine the consequences that followed. When a person does not know who they are, or have a sense of self, they will search to find, and fill the empty spaces with anything that gives the appearance of fulfillment. They will look to anything or anyone that appears to have the answers, unwittingly search, seek, touch, taste, and tempt any direction that seems to fill the empty vastness within their void.
I've written about my addiction -- which was an automatic reaction to my plight. I sincerely believe this. Without genetic predisposition - which I had - the most natural response to the emptiness that I felt would have been to reach for a substance to make me feel normal. I am not excusing myself, in any manner, shape, nor form. Not that addiction needs an excuse, it is a disease. A "dis- EASE." A dis quiet of the soul. It is a screaming of sorts out of our inner most being, to relive the pain. At least it was in my case. Feeling numb was the only answer to not knowing who I was. Or where I belonged. I had to quiet the questions, I had to quiet the devastating, unending pain.
Now having been taught, after two treatments, a different way to live; I did excel. Yet, I still did not feel like I fit. I still had not hit upon the heart of the matter. I became "sobriety". I attacked it with every fiber of my being. I mastered it. So much that I became "queen". I became a "Counselor." It wasn't my job - it was who I was. It was my identity. I was damn good at something for the first time in my life. Well, actually as I recollect, I had became good at everything that I aspired to be, even a drug addict. I had to, because I had nothing else. If I was someone's girlfriend, I had to be the best. It had to cover my shame. The shame of not knowing who I was. The shame of all the past mistakes, things that had happened to me, shame that I wasn't lovable, shame that I did not matter. My life HAD to outrun the shame.
Now if you know anything about AA - you know that you deal with this in the 4th and 5th step - and then in the 10th step. I worked those steps until my minds ached. But I got too good at it. I got arrogant. When I became a counselor -- I thought I did not need AA anymore. Alas, I relapsed. My life went into a terrible shame-filled spiral. I worked living a lie.
Now I won't bore you with the whole story. One can read past blogs and find that three years ago I found grace. Grace and peace through Jesus Christ. The only One that can give it. I am no longer under the condemnation and shame that I once lived under. This has brought me to where I am now. I am free from the addiction, and able to define myself in His grace.
My journey is brining me to a quiet, still place. A place where I am at rest. A place where I can look at my past but not be defined by it. Where I can examine losses and feel my feelings with out fear. I can communicate effectively what needs to be said in the here and now. I know that my Savior holds me in His hands. Me. Not who I think someone what's me to be, but me. The one who matters.
I have a spirit, and I have a soul. I do matter. I finally matter to the one that matters! ME! I matter to the one that's needed to matter my entire life! As silly as this may seem to others, it does not matter to me, because all that matters is that I matter to me! Oh what a transformation this is! What a declaration this is! What freedom. No longer do I have to feel the emptiness that I felt and search for meaning. I am home. I am here. I matter.
Why did I write this? I wrote this for anyone out there that struggles with feeling like they don't belong. I wrote this for anyone that might struggle with feeling like they don't matter, for whatever reason. I know that I am not alone. I know that there are others who's mother did not give them what they needed. Others who must struggle with this in adulthood. I know that people are wounded. We're a wounded society. I write so that others will find hope in my struggles. That others will find strength in my battle. Find encouragement in my truths. Because I matter.