Becoming...and the spaces in between.
Isn't life just a series of becomings? It seems to be to me. I suppose it's mostly about the rebirthing process, out of some sort of mental darkness into clarity of personal truths. There are some times in life that are more illuminating than others, and that happens to be one of those times for me now.
It's interesting how things come to you, and it begins a path that you did not know that you'd take, and all of the sudden your right in the midst of it. This is magical living. I don't believe in "magic" - I akin it to the supernatural of Jesus. Answers to prayers. Oh, how God answers prayers in such mysterious ways, with such amazing people. I cannot express this enough. My life right now, is filled with them. Amazing people. Amazing people of God.
It takes me back to the Hero's journey -- the delve into the unconscious, and the helpers that the hero discovers along the way on his/her path to transformation. Each and everyone has a particular role to play - a part to the puzzle of life, if you will. It it so with us. We are all unique individuals with special talents and gifts -- sometimes sitting on the sidelines waiting our entire lives for just that brief encounter with someone, that affects their life in amazing ways. I can attest to this, I've had it happen too many times to discount it. God gives us not only a lamp unto our feet in His word but living, breathing testimonies to help support and guide us along the way. Jesus shows up in the neatest places!
I'm going through two therapies right now. I'm in process of completing a grief/loss therapy and I'm in regular therapy also. Both are weekly right now. It's pretty intensive as one could imagine. I'm not afraid of change. I've not been afraid of change for some time now - for I know in Whom my peace lies. Alls I'm trying to do is heal some of the emotional scars that are present in order to be as open to life, and love more fully.
I want to "taste" each day. I want to rejoice and be glad in it. There are just days when I don't and I want to release whatever this might be... and let my light shine. I want to live, love, give, serve, confess, everything and anything that the Lord might have me do... and I don't want anything to be in my way. Nothing. Not in my past, not now, not ever.
Now a person might say, "aren't you trying to fix everything?" No, actually it isn't even I that does the changing. It is God. I've been through some pretty difficult things. I think my "part" is to look at it. I believe I have to feel the emotion that is involved, that is my responsibility. There are those that think they can just "jump" over this, that there isn't any need in healing emotionally. I do not agree. My health and my wholeness is a process of being emotionally honest with myself. Grief, loss, what ever may be the case -- needs to be addressed before I move on, or else it's like excess baggage that I carry with me, unkempt and undone. I cannot live life fully, nor entirely alive. I will not be fully alive. And I want to be fully alive! I'm tired of things happening and my responses to them being off kilter. I want to be free of the past to not reach back for OLD tools to solve todays problems. I want NEW tools for the present moments!!!! I just happen to believe that for Gina, the chest of losses needs to be cleaned out.
I want to be open to fully love. To fully feel. To not expect what happened in my past to repeat itself because I've not healed. I earnestly believe it drags me down. I'm tired (sick and!!!) of the recollection of pain in my life. I'm drawing back the curtain on these past losses and letting them know that this is the last time that they will haunt me. This is the last time that they will have power over me. I'm forging a new horizon, a new path --- one that is free from the bondage of past drives, reactions, and negativity. I will become the woman that the Lord has destined me to become -- free from the shackles of that misery.
Times of transformation are exhausting. Everyone will not be in agreement with you. You will have those that think that you are nuts for even taking on such a journey. There will be those that believe that God can change all this in an instant. I believe that He can too -- but for whatever reason, this is MY PATH. I don't expect anyone else to understand and I don't care if they do. It's my walk with Jesus, not theirs. I don't walk around "all healed up" --- and FINE. I don't believe that in the first place. Fine is a lie. Fine is a shield that people put up to discourage others from asking what's really going on. It creates distance-- that's what it's designed to do. No human is "fine". We are much too intricate, alive, and vast beings to simply be "fine." It's a cop out. It merely means, I'm not going to tell you......
I'm not your average grace believer. I'm seriously okay with this. It makes me an oddball. I don't fit in, but this is totally okay. It's my journey with Jesus. I wouldn't take anything in the world for it. I am not stressing over it, because I know who my Savior is, and I know where my help comes from. I'm not deluded enough to think that I can do this alone. I would have never taken this on, if not for Jesus. He has led me down this path. Jesus and only Jesus knows why I need to do it this way. This is all the validation that I need. I don't need a church, nor it's people to tell me what, nor how I need to live my life. The holy spirit inside of me leads me.
So for now -- I'm in the spaces in between. I'm in a somewhat painful place. It won't last forever, and I encounter those that don't understand. It's okay --- they don't have to. It's my journey. God keeps giving me what I need as I go. So far, it's been pretty amazing. The things that I'm finding out about myself are painful at times, and healing must take place. This is okay too. God's got me. It I did not have the relationship with Jesus that I have, I'd never be able to take this on. I'm learning so much, and there's great peace in the truth. There is solace in the pain of becoming.
Just ask the butterfly.....