Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Lean times...with never ending love.

Hope.  It's a full time job sometimes, depending upon someone's station in life.  If that is the way that you believe.  If it's about the apple or the seed.  

I don't totally believe in our being predestined.  However my father was pretty enthusiastic about life and it's people.  He lived a happy  life with only the use of one hand and one leg.  My dad did more with one hand and one leg than most do with a full functioning body.  I know this is where I get my spunk.  Daddy had high hopes, as a matter of fact he used to sing that song to me.... "high hopes, he's got high hopes, high - apple - pie - in the sky hopes...".  Wow does that ever bring back the memories here on this Thanksgiving week.  How my life has gone from having so much family to my sitting here in front of this blinking curser, alone.  It is a difficult adjustment - these times.  There is nothing to prepare you for it, nor anything that could have helped you buffer  from these feelings - they just are.  Believe you me, I want to escape.  My mind is doing every last thing to try and get me to run from how I feel right now.  The inescapable part that I know is that I either feel this now, or feel it at another time because it's not the feeling that has to change, or adapt, it's me and my understanding of it.  The facts will still remain.  I'm alone, I no longer have close family, and I'm going to have to get used to it.    

I'm alone post surgery after asking a life long friend for help - and getting excuses.  He's been checked off the "I don't matter" list -- I don't care how long I've known him.  I mean, shoot - I'm three days outside of surgery and he isn't even working and he won't come.  Oh well...  Done with that mess of excuses.  I didn't ever matter to him anyway.  If I had, I wouldn't been here and him there...  

Alas, you all know me better than this.  I cannot put my faith into humans.  My faith is in Jesus.  He will never fail me!  No matter what things may look like, what they may feel like -- I love a God who takes the impossible and makes it supernatural!  People will fail you.  Expect that.  God never does.  He is the same today, tomorrow, and yesterday...

Sure I miss my Dad.  Sure it would be great if things were different.  But they are not.  I'm going to walk in faith in a new direction and see what happens.  There are quiet moments which call for me to reflect and draw near to what I know.  This is a time to reflect on my hopes and not wallow in my fears.  I've spent way too many years doing that...  besides what is that going to get any of us but more fear?  Haven't we all given fear much more attention than it deserves?  I know I have.  

I also know that when I just take even a baby step out towards my Jesus, he runs to meet me.  His arms wide open, He embraces me with all gentleness and delight.  He's been waiting for me to choose Him over fear, my whole life.  For once in my life, I'm doing it.  All things work together for the good of those that love God!!!  So even though my outward man may appear to be perishing, my inward man is being renewed day by day!!!  I may not have answers or certainty of how everything will work out envisioned all in my minds-eye, but this is the stuff that faith is made of.  It is stepping out and trusting even when all the ducks aren't in a row -- when my life isn't all pretty and boxed up with a Christmas ribbon on it.  Matter of fact, things are pretty grim right now -- if you really knew the truth, but I'm going to trust my Savior anyway.  I actually delight in trusting Him.  Jesus answers prayer in such unexpected and awesome ways.... I'm anticipant to see how this works out.  My heavenly Father is so (for lack of better words) amazingly awesome -- and so impossible to predict ... (in amazing ways- He is predictable for He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow in His steadfast love for us) I feel kind of like a child, waiting for it's Father to return home.  I just can't wait to see what Daddy does in my life!

                                Daddy, Abba, Father, Friend -- all of these things are what my Savior are to me.   It's taken me a lifetime to truly understand that He will not fail me.  It's taken addiction, addiction to food, pills, booze, men, relationships, spending -- any and everything I could do to make the hurt subside.  Anything that I could TRY to make it subside... none of those things actually worked.  You know why?   Because you cannot fight feelings.  Feelings just are.  They aren't debatable.   We're the ones that try to mask, change, alter, and make them go away.  God gave them to us for a reason.  In all actuality they are a gift.  If we are living our lives in such a manner as to have or be in balance.  Feelings are our indicators, our pay-off's if you will, and our blessings.  They were never meant to be something that we try with everything in us to avoid.  This is something that us as humans have came up with because we've gotten so far out of the will of God.  Away from His word -- and I mean no condemnation there.  Most people do not even know of the New Covenant.   They do not even know about grace - or that they are gentiles, and not jews.  Don't get me started there.  I've other blogs for that.... (See Grace 101)

Friends are difficult to come by in this lifetime.  If you have one's that you've had for a long time -- hold on to them and cherish them.  Friendships aren't about quantity -- it's all about quality.  I'd rather have one really great one (which I do, praise God!) than a bunch of mediocre ones.  I guess I really have several but when the chips are down - we certainly know who we can depend upon don't we?  

"For I am persuaded that neither death nor life; nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. "  Romans 8:38-39 NKJV

God/Jesus isn't, hasn't gone anywhere.  He is right here (in your heart).  All you have to do is believe.  (Questions?  Leave a comment at any time, and 'll get back to you, I promise.)

So, Gracie and I are going to have a fantastic Thanksgiving - post surgery - even with all of the things that I can't do!  Even though I can't really cook, and am in need of several things.  God will provide.  It won't be like it used to be, but I'm not who I used to be.  Praise God!!!!   All I ever wanted was to be loved.....

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