I never thought on the morning of surgery that I'd be at such peace. I'm five days out of not smoking and I have no idea what that means in terms of withdrawal but I'm at peace. My circumstances aren't all as I'd have them to be, but inside where it matters, I'm at such peace. The peace that I keep finding is beyond words. I'm finally fully understanding what my Savior would have for me, and that when I even take the smallest step towards Him in faith - He runs to meet me. It is beyond words.
My pastor told me last night that I was glowing.... and it was funny because I'd been to Sephoria and had two different types of foundation on - one on one side of my face and another on the other -- to see which one matched... so I didn't even match! But I KNEW that I was glowing... I felt it. I'd made through the most difficult day thus far and I hadn't smoked - and a big part of me wanted to.... a few times! But I just kept repeating "I can't do this, but the Holy Spirit inside of me can!" -- and I made it. Yesterday was the hardest day.
This is a much different transformation than I've ever gone through. Much different because it is God that is doing the changing --- all that I'm doing is listening to His direction. I'm staying out of the way.
I've lived my life full of worldly logic - Gina's smarts, and analytical mumbo jumbo... and you know what? I've been doing the same work over and over again, I believe because it was empty of any true direction from God.
I've always had the holy spirit inside of me -- and I've turned Him off a lot. I'm not proud of that. But something has changed. I have matured. I think I finally understand. Glory be to God! I was still not giving up my addiction for some kind of fear -- some kind of distrust of God. I didn't even know it, wasn't even aware of it until now.
I was trying to live with half a "new man" and half my old ways! And of course in grace - there was no condemnation! Praise God the more that I heard grace, the more I heard the loveliness of Jesus -- it just crept into my soul and I could not deny it any longer - I had to let go of my old ways. Perhaps they weren't horrible things -- and perhaps they weren't "sins" but it was not indicative of the real me as a new creation in the eyes of God! I'd heard what the holy spirit had said to me, but I was not being obedient. I didn't want to give up those things. But now, I freely do !!! I give them up and more if need be because I want to live as closely to whom God would have me be as humanly possible! I've tasted this transformation -- walked in this light of the spirit and it's beauty is immeasurable!! So much that I've no fear today!
"And be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and that you put on the new man which was created according to God to true righteousness and holiness." Ephesians 4:24
I know that I cannot convey how I feel. I'm renewed. My mind and my spirit. I feel like a little kid with awe and wonder. The amazing part is that this is just the beginning... and I have childlike anticipation! Only God knows where He'll take me from here. And He's in the miracle business.
To think all it took was for me to listen to the holy spirit inside of me. Thank you Jesus for our internal version of You. We are the most blessed humans on earth. Thank you Jesus for where You are taking me, and for the patience that You have had with me. I will forever glorify YOU. Your mercy, Your love, Your patience, and especially Your grace.... I'm listening now..... In Jesus Precious Name. Amen.