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Showing posts from November, 2014

Your Beautiful...

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Sleep doesn't come easy post surgery - especially when all that you can do is rattle around, and rest.  It makes for much intermittent sleeping.  Two hours here - an hour there - but nothing solid.   So I've been up for quite sometime, reading and reflecting over the past year.  I cannot convey how much life there is from/in my bible.  Passages that I've read so many times will just speak new truths to me as I re-read them.  There is such beauty in the truth.  I've always found there to be, but not everyone is in agreement with this.  For some, its become their life's passion to run from it.  Trust me, I know - when I was using, to a degree, I did the same thing.  It's a natural part of the disease.  Who can tell themselves the truth when your whole life is a lie?  
At least this is what your addiction is telling you.  And tell you it does.  The power over the mind that active addiction has is mind boggling.  I've known it to take men and women with PHD…

Lean times...with never ending love.

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Hope.  It's a full time job sometimes, depending upon someone's station in life.  If that is the way that you believe.  If it's about the apple or the seed.  
I don't totally believe in our being predestined.  However my father was pretty enthusiastic about life and it's people.  He lived a happy  life with only the use of one hand and one leg.  My dad did more with one hand and one leg than most do with a full functioning body.  I know this is where I get my spunk.  Daddy had high hopes, as a matter of fact he used to sing that song to me.... "high hopes, he's got high hopes, high - apple - pie - in the sky hopes...".  Wow does that ever bring back the memories here on this Thanksgiving week.  How my life has gone from having so much family to my sitting here in front of this blinking curser, alone.  It is a difficult adjustment - these times.  There is nothing to prepare you for it, nor anything that could have helped you buffer  from these feeling…

The beauty of listening....

I never thought on the morning of surgery that I'd be at such peace.  I'm five days out of not smoking and I have no idea what that means in terms of withdrawal but I'm at peace.  My circumstances aren't all as I'd have them to be, but inside where it matters, I'm at such peace.  The peace that I keep finding is beyond words.  I'm finally fully understanding what my Savior would have for me, and that when I even take the smallest step towards Him in faith - He runs to meet me.  It is beyond words.

My pastor told me last night that I was glowing.... and it was funny because I'd been to Sephoria and had two different types of foundation on - one on one side of my face and another on the other -- to see which one matched... so I didn't even match!  But I KNEW that I was glowing...  I felt it.  I'd made through the most difficult day thus far and I hadn't smoked - and a big part of me wanted to.... a few times!  But I just kept repeating "…

Vulnerable no more.

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I never though I'd be  able to say that.  How glorious it is to be at peace.  How delicious it is to be at rest.  The kind of rest that only the Father can give.  The kind of joy that only His mercy can provide. Mercy that I don't deserve, but that He freely gives, even to a once broken child like myself.

This is the first time since my earthen father passed that I've felt this kind of peace.  I've always felt so vulnerable in the world.  Like something was missing.  Something was missing, my Father was gone.  I couldn't make the transition from my earthen father to my heavenly Father.  Praise God... I think it's finally taken place.

Love for me, was a double edged sword.  It was a good thing, but more often than not, it was painful.  My mom used it so often to manipulate and serve her never ending needs.  I was never enough, no matter what I did or how hard I tried, I always failed.  This stayed with me into adulthood.  I've been facing these issues.  I&…

Because I Matter...

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I'm learning.  I'm learning at an astonishing rate.  It's actually so much, I can hardly accommodate it.  There are so many theme's occurring, so many layers, that I know it will take me months if not years to assimilate all of this to my life.  It's okay - I knew that this would be the case.  It is just so mind boggling to be in the midst of such a transformative force.  

I am discovering that there really needs to be some changes made in my life.  Serious changes.  It may mean that I need to remove some people and make some different choices.  All of it is not completely clear.  However, I know that it will become increasingly more vivid as time brings it into perspective.  

You see, I've not really mattered to myself throughout my life.  As hard as that is to admit.  I say that with all candor.  I say that with all humility.  I say that to right the wrongs, and heal the wounds in my heart.  

I had a mother that did not give me love.  She did not give me affecti…

Becoming...and the spaces in between.

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Isn't life just a series of becomings?  It seems to be to me.  I suppose it's mostly about the rebirthing process, out of some sort of mental darkness into clarity of personal truths.  There are some times in life that are more illuminating than others, and that happens to be one of those times for me now.

It's interesting how things come to you, and it begins a path that you did not know that you'd take, and all of the sudden your right in the midst of it.  This is magical living.  I don't believe in "magic" - I akin it to the supernatural of Jesus.  Answers to prayers.  Oh, how God answers prayers in such mysterious ways, with such amazing people.  I cannot express this enough.  My life right now, is filled with them.  Amazing people.  Amazing people of God.

It takes me back to the Hero's journey -- the delve into the unconscious, and the helpers that the hero discovers along the way on his/her  path to transformation.  Each and everyone has a pa…